Yoshi from Super Mario World

 

Nintendo

Those poor dolphins. 

Aside from making people oddly horny, Yoshi has a dark history as a trafficker of one of the world's most beloved and intelligent animals. In the Japanese version of Super Mario World Yoshi eats dolphins. That’s right Lisa Frank, he’s eating your heroes. Yoshi, the beloved, friendly helper to Mario, is absolutely housing one of the most intelligent, playful, loveable species on the planet. The only good that can come of such a horrific act would be an Ecco the dolphin/Yoshi crossover brawler battle game. 

Ikaros from Assassin’s Creed Odyssey

 

ubisoft

These merciless eyes will be the last thing you see.

Your magical eagle is a gift from the gods, but the gods can be cruel. Their wills are as sharp and unforgiving as the claws of a bird of prey. You’re fighting a war on all sides. Wantonly spilling the blood of Spartan and Athenian alike. The game does not know or care which side you fight for and neither does Ikaros. AC games always have a lot of bloodshed in them, but Odyssey took it to another level. Ikaros helps you slay hundreds, thousands of enemies who have done nothing other than fight for their homeland. Ikaros’ beak may drip with the blood of the innocent, but we can’t stay mad at that cute lil’ chirp when he lands on Kassandra’s arm.

Tom Nook from Animal Crossing

 

Nintendo

Eat the rich.

Sure he’s cute. That little round tum tum, those sleepy eyes. But that belly is fat off of the grueling labor of those he exploits. And those eyes are full of greed. It’s the very latest stage of capitalism. One man/raccoon dog owns everything. The land, the resources, it’s all Tom’s. He works Timmy and Tommy to the bone. We toil away, scraping our meager turnips from the dirt, eeking out enough bells to build a liveable house. But who amongst us has seen Tom Nook’s house? We know where everyone else lives, so why not Tom? It’s because he’s sharing a private island somewhere with Elon Musk and Kim Jong-un. Living in unimaginable wealth while others struggle to live, despicable.

Palamute from Monster Hunter

 

Capcom

Who's a good boy?! Not you, you're destroying the ecological balance.

Sorry hunters, your buddy is absolutely committing atrocities. The charming, handsome, cute as pie palamutes are not only committing atrocities worthy of a trial in front of the U.N. court, they’re decimating the world’s ecology. As they playfully romp along in the wilds, they pay no heed to the innocent beasts harmless living out their lives in the forest. When a beast the size of say, a Chameleos, is plucked from the eco-system by the icy jaws of death aka a Palamute you whimsically named “Dolly PAWton”, that’s going to have a lasting impact. 

Goose from Untitled Goose Game

 

House House

That is someone's LUNCH.

The world needs us all to come together and help our communities. The battle for survival on our planet depends on our willingness to help out and help others. And to this, a lone goose honks a resounding “nah.” This goose terrorizes a hapless British village, distrubing the peace and wreaking havoc wherever it’s orange, leathery feet happen to fall. That being said, we would pay any amount of money to pat its perfect, cute little head.

Chorizo from Far Cry 6

 

Ubisoft

Cue the ride of the Valkyries.

Chorizo is undoubtedly one of the cutest on the list. Look at those big, adorable eyes. Really give them a good long stare. Yup, there’s a haunted quality there that has seen more than one war crime. Of course, as your companion in the fight against the brutal regime in control of your homeland, Chorizo is trying to help your just cause. But Castillo’s soldiers have NPC families too (probably). Like a real freak, Chorizo likes to watch. While he distracts an enemy, you can stealth in and, like the whisper of a shadow, totes end their life. All while those cute puppy dog eyes look on, ablaze with bloodlust. 

Drifloon from Pokemon

 

Nintendo

Adorable. Cuddly. Evil incarnate.

Before you blow up the comments with your ‘um, actuallys’ about Pokemon not being animals: yes they are. Ok, now that that’s settled: Imagine yourself as a child, wandering alone in a field, the humid summer air enticing you to seek out adventure. You see a purple orb with friendly eyes painted on it bobbing in the breeze. “Oh what a cute balloon!” you think. Suddenly, you’re lifted into the air, stolen away. You will never again see your friends, your family, your home. You just got Drifloon’d buddy. You got Drifloon’d bad. This Pokemon tops our list because not only is it objectively adorable, it’s absolutely tearing families apart. Drifloons lurk, unassuming, with one dark purpose: to guide souls to the afterlife. 

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