Long have I stalked the hallowe’d, haunted halls of the internet; from its earliest day, sung about by Bo Burnham, to the dark times when people ironically called it “the interwebz”, a term I despise. To today, when the internet is as much, nay more a part of my life than my own mother. There is a phantom in the halls, something which was never meant to exist, but does, fascinating the imagination and inflaming the senses. I speak, of course, of Horny Yoshi.

Horny or Sexy Yoshi is a very commonplace internet phenomenon. But why? I had to find out, no matter what dark corners of the internet’s vast cavern of debauchery I had to explore. My research led me to three conclusions.

Walter William Sache

Leave it to the internet.

Americans Are Extremely Repressed

If you’ve ever been made to feel shame for one of the most natural things in the world, horniness, then you know what I’m talking about. There’s a lot of overlap between Horny Yoshi communities and some parts of the Furry community. The majority of furries aren’t doing anything sexual, they enjoy the freedom from judgement that the anonymity of their Fursona affords them. Maybe if we stop teaching kids that sex is inherently evil, they can get horny about normal stuff, like Chris Evans or 1970’s Burt Reynolds. 

Wrecking Something Pure

Yoshi is an eminently wholesome character from the Mario universe. He’s kind and silly and relentlessly positive. In a word: pure. There’s anecdotal evidence that the act of destruction brings us closer to a sense of control, a feeling which we increasingly lack in our daily lives. In this case, taking something not meant to be horny and turning it into a freak fest can give people a sense of ownership and control. 

Nintendo

You see it right?

Objectively Sensual Character Design

In the numerous Horny Yoshi blog posts, tumblr threads, and artist testimonials I researched, there emerged a pattern. People find that thicc tail irresistible. Ever since the Kardashians arrived on the scene, it’s become more and more desirable to have large thighs and a big old donk. However you feel about Kim & co. you have to hand them that. People online noted that Yoshi’s tail being always um… erect and perky looking makes some feel aroused, horny even. There’s a lot of curves packed into the character design for sure. The fact that he’s often depicted ass-to-camera, looking over his shoulder doesn’t help cool anyone’s blood either.  

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