The Onion Predicted The U.S. Military Would Leave Afghanistan In The Middle of the Night Ten Years Ago
On today's installment of the entire staff of The Onion actually being psychics, the satirical publication has once again proven that life imitates art, successfully predicting the United States's alarmingly abrupt departure from Afghanistan … roughly a decade before it actually happened
Yep, just like the headline of The Onion's once-fictitious 2011 article, “U.S. Quietly Slips Out Of Afghanistan In Dead Of Night,” U.S. forces did just that earlier this month, leaving the Bagram Airfield base roughly an hour away from the nation's capital of Kabul, shutting off the compound's electricity before sneaking away at approximately 3 a.m. local time. Yet unlike their satirical counterparts, who at least had the manners to leave a note for the citizens of Afghanistan, writing “By the time you read this, we will be gone," America's real-life exit was seemingly so sudden and unceremonious, that they didn't even inform the base's new Afghan commander, Gen. Mir Asadullah Kohistani, that they were leaving, according to the AP.
“We (heard) some rumor that the Americans had left Bagram … and finally by seven o’clock in the morning, we understood that it was confirmed that they had already left Bagram,” recalled Gen. Kohistani, who only discovered the Americans' exit roughly two hours after it happened.
When asked about the concerns of some of the Afghan soldiers who are currently at the compound, U.S. military Spokesperson Col. Sonny Leggett stayed tight-lipped on the specifics of why the Americans bailed with the subtlety of someone attempting to escape a lover's apartment after a very mediocre one-night stand. Instead, the offical referenced a recent statement, which claims that the exit had been coordinated with Afghanistan's leaders. The swift escape was a part of the United States's broader move to fully withdraw from the country by the end of August, according to the New York Times.
So folks, remember, the good psychics at The Onion are always there to give you next decade's news today, that, and if you're going to sneak out of a military base in the middle of the night, at least leave a note.