I don’t have much time-- you’ve got to help. You’ve got to tell the people. They don’t want them to find out, but I’ve got proof. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen it happening. The ocean’s dying. Plankton’s dying. It’s apple. Skittles Lime is Apple. Next thing, they’ll be breeding us to think sugar tastes like all food. You’ve got to tell them! We’ve gotta stop them somehow! Skittles Lime is Apple!

People really love lime-flavored Skittles. In 2013, the Wrigley Company, purveyors of Disappointing M&Ms since 1974, switched the flavor of their nuclear goo green bean from tropical citrus to green apple. This left many who taste the rainbow with a very sour taste in their mouths, and they made sure to spit it out. For nearly a decade, the candy company would hear their droves of fans sending letters, starting Change.org petitions and very loudly complaining online that the taste of Granny Smith is far inferior to the glorious lime. 

Some even went so far as saying that Green Apple doesn’t just ruin the taste of green Skittles but the taste of the entire rainbow, disrupting a perfect medley of harmonious lime, lemon, grape, orange, and who can forget that iconic strawberry.

Now, finally, the legions of lime lovers have managed to twist Skittles’ arm to release a limited time only All Lime Skittles pack, a monochrome magnificence with nothing but the long-forgotten taste of the superior green Skittle. But these people are fools. Mad, misguided fools brainwashed by Big Bon Bon. Green skittles have always tasted the same; there’s just a mass conspiracy to trick our senses to believe otherwise. They have imposed a false view of the world upon their followers. We've always been at war with Eur-taste-a! Now gather around for your 5 Minutes Of Green Apple Hate!

You don’t believe me? Also, I don’t have the head shape to pull off this tinfoil hat? (A bit harsh). Many others, equally blind to the truth, have scoffed at this news, claiming they can taste every unique flavor with their eyes closed -- as is the case with all great medleys of fruit-flavored treats. Their fear is fair. Could you even imagine a world where a yellow Skittle doesn’t taste like lemon, or a red Haribo gummy bear doesn’t taste like strawberry? Except that red gummy bears don’t taste like strawberry! According to an official Haribo Gold representative, their red gelatine growlers are raspberry flavored. Do you know which one’s strawberry flavored? THE GREEN ONE -- WAKE UP, PEOPLE! 

Amazon

The only taste those give kids is their first taste of buyer’s remorse. 

But green Skittles don’t taste like apple or lime or even blueberry punch. According to esteemed neuropsychologist Dr. Katz, they just taste of sugar, just like every other variety of Skittle, Froot Loops, and of those disgusting Harry Potter jellybeans that only ever taste like buyer’s remorse. Instead of actually packing that fruity punch, we perceive these treats are infused with the “suggestion” of a flavor through “different fragrances and different colors, “according to Katz. Why? Because it’s cheaper to skip the whole nuanced flavoring process and just trick consumers’ brains into doing it for them. 

While we think that the tongue does most of the work, that slavering brute is only one of the dozens of sensory cues that allow our brain to trigger the right taste response. And if enough of our senses are being tricked into believing the same story (lime green, smells like lime, the packaging said it was all-lime, ...), our brain will accept this as truth and shield our senses from the jarring reality. It’s like that very famous scene in The Matrix with the two guys and the chairs and the metaphysics. 

So have we all just been chewing on an empty lie? Yes and no? Green Skittles not having any significant lime flavoring doesn’t mean people didn’t “experience” lime. Ingesting certain colors have been shown to trigger potent placebo effects in medication. Painkillers that are blazing red actually work faster, antidepressants that are bright yellow actually make people happier, and boner pills that are calming blue reduce the chance of giving someone a premature Skittles necklace. (Please consult a doctor if your semen looks and/or tastes like Skittles). And why should the power of the placebo brightly colored candy be any different? If the blue hue of Nancy Reagan’s sleeping pills made her doze off faster, why is it so hard to believe that the sunset orange of Ronald Reagan’s jelly beans didn’t make him experience the zesty excitement of remembering anything longer than five minutes ago?

For more jokes made in bad taste (both the flavor and Alzheimer’s kinds), do follow Cedric on Twitter.

Top Image: Mars, Inc.

 

Forgot Password?