A lot of you may have stopped watching cartoons after figuring out that they were basically a scam to sell you breakfast cereals composed of marshmallows and parental negligence. But guess what? There are bunch of new shows coming down the pipeline, some way weirder than the one about Mr. T becoming a crime-fighting gymnastics coach. For example ...
You have to imagine that after the blockbuster success of Avengers: Endgame, directors Joe and Anthony Russo could get a studio to pour $200 million into a three-hour biopic about the inventor of Styrofoam. But to the delight of nerds everywhere, their actual next project is an animated Netflix series based on Magic: The Gathering -- which, depending on your lifestyle, is either an brain-tickling fantasy card game or the reason you haven't seen daylight since the Clinton administration.
The Russos call themselves "huge fans" of the game, and say the show is a "true passion project" for them. While not many details have been released yet, one producer has stated that the show will be true to the essence of the game, but "carve out" its own continuity, preferably without salty dweebs redolent of unresolved rage issues. A release date hasn't been announced yet, but unless Martin Scorsese reveals that he's making an UNO movie, it will probably remain the most anticipated card game adaptation on the horizon.
With '80s nostalgia in full swing, it's not surprising that we're getting more Gremlins. Because the story of Gizmo the cuddly Mogwai and the grotesque creatures he inadvertently births had so many unanswered questions we can't get out of our heads, the upcoming animated series will be a prequel, focused on everyone's favorite character ... Mr. Wing?
Warner Bros. Pictures
Set to premiere on Warner's new streaming service, Gremlins: Secrets Of The Mogwai will fill in the backstory of the elderly Chinese shop owner briefly seen at the beginning of the first movie. Bizarrely, Mr. Wing (whose first name is Sam, apparently) will be ten years old in the new show, which finds him meeting Gizmo and partnering with a "teenage street thief named Elle." Together they fight "colorful monsters and spirits from Chinese folklore," as well as an evil industrialist. All in the service of returning Gizmo to his family. (Spoiler alert: He ends up keeping Gizmo until his grandson sells him to some random jackass in the 1980s.)
Perhaps because they're always babbling about "family," someone decided that the Fast & Furious franchise should be made into a cartoon. Sadly, they didn't go the Muppet Babies route and have toddler versions of Vin Diesel and The Rock surviving a shockingly unsupervised playroom. Judging from the trailer, Fast & Furious: Spy Racers takes place in a Pixar-like universe in which cars have slaughtered every human and seized control of the Earth.
While there are no actual people in the ad, the cartoon is purportedly about Tony Toretto, Dominic's nephew. Kind of like how James Bond Jr. was about 007's nephew -- although we're reasonably sure he was in fact one of the many illegitimate Bond children scattered throughout the globe. The teenage Tony gets hired by a secret government agency to infiltrate an "elite racing league" run by a "crime organization hellbent on world domination." Because if there's one surefire way to take over the world, it's through illegally racing muscle cars.
While we still have some time to wait before getting Quentin Tarantino's Star Trek movie full of obscenities and close-up shots of Uhura's feet, there's still a lot for Trekkies to enjoy. And not just Star Trek: Discovery and the upcoming series in which Jean-Luc Picard spends his golden years going on new adventures instead of being holed up in a holographic shuffleboard court. We're also getting two new Star Trek cartoons.
The first is a Nickelodeon show about "lawless teens" who stumble upon an abandoned Starfleet vessel and use it "to search for adventure, meaning and salvation." So the 24th-century equivalent of a gang of delinquents boosting a car for a joyride. We're also getting a cartoon "geared towards adults" from Rick And Morty writer Mike McMahan. Star Trek: Lower Decks will follow the grunts working behind the scenes of Starfleet, such as "the people who put the yellow cartridge in the food replicator so a banana can come out the other end." Which has to be the crappiest job, apart from whatever poor sap who has to hose down the Holodeck at the end of the day.
Even fans of the Spice Girls likely recognize that cinema may not be the group's thing. Their only movie, Spice World, is an insane hodgepodge of random scenes, such as the part where they meet a group creepy aliens who immediately grope Scary Spice. Still, the movie was a hit, and fans have been wondering if they would ever make another film. Well, now the answer is ... kind of?
It turns out that we will be getting a new Spice Girls feature in 2020. After all, the group is (almost) back together and touring. So naturally, they want to make another movie, but decided to move in a direction that would be more ... not needing them to show up in person. The Spice Girls will record their voices for an animated movie in which they become superheroes. So "Girl Power" will now include energy beams, mutant healing, and maybe a spinoff in which everybody finally learns that Sporty Spice was the only one who could actually sing.
Nostalgia for the '90s is so strong that Stranger Things will probably keep going until the gang are plaid-shirt-clad 20-somethings stopping Demogorgons from murdering Smash Mouth. Since Beavis And Butt-head already got its 21st-century reboot, now we're getting a spinoff of its spinoff. Remember Daria? The acclaimed show chronicled the life of a sardonic bespectacled teen girl. Now MTV is resurrecting the Daria-verse for a series about one of her rare non-moron classmates, Jodie Landon.
As an African American woman who saw through the prejudice and BS of a mostly white school, Jodie understandably has a devoted fanbase. This show is reportedly the first of several Daria spinoffs, all of which will presumably eventually culminate in Daria: Beavis War.
"Baby Shark" -- you probably know it as an irritating yet harmless song. Or if you have kids, an unceasing nightmare that proves we're all living inside a Stephen King short story. If you've heard the song or seen the YouTube video, it tells the story of a family of sharks, from Baby to Mama to Papa, with a hauntingly repetitive refrain of "doo-doo-doo," perhaps implying that these shark-infested waters are also littered with feces.
We aren't responsible for any fists through your laptop screen if you play this around the parents of small children.
Because the song is, for some reason, insanely popular, it's now being adapted into a cartoon series for Nickelodeon. What will the story be? Who knows. Some versions of the song feature dismemberment and decapitation. So why not give us a grisly MA-rated Baby Shark, you cowards?
You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter!
For more, check out The Dark Truth Behind The Most Famous Cartoon Company Ever:
Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.
Follow us on Facebook. Narf!
We're so inundated with Trump news that we shrug off scandals that would tank any other president.
These hilarious stories should have been taught in every school.