As Avengers: Endgame approaches, the Marvel marketing machine is in full force. Hell, you can't even take a piss without the unsettling image of Hawkeye's face leering at you (and presumably judging your aim). But of course Disney's true endgame is to sell as many goddamn toys as possible. Already, kids can emotionally blackmail their parents into buying action figures, Lego sets, and a Hulk-themed gun-- because apparently a thousand-pound green monster sometimes needs a tiny pistol to vanquish his enemies.
Most oddly, suburban mall staple Build-a-Bear is getting in on the Avengers business. Since they've already had a crack at an adorable Tony Stark bear and whatever creepy ursine-plant hybrid Groot became, this time around they decided to go with ... Thanos?
Hey kids, you like Spider-Man? Well now you can buy a teddy bear version of the dude who murdered him. Not to mention trillions of other people. Say what you will about Paddington, at least he isn't guilty of genocide (that we know of). According to the Build-a-Bear website, kids can make their "own menacing fun" with Teddy Thanos. Which probably means eradicating half of their stuffed animal collection with the snap of his paw. And if all that didn't entice you, the toy also talks. Yup, this teddy bear has the voice of actor James Brolin -- and some of the lines may even spoil major plot points.
Build-a-Bear opting to bear-ify the central villain of the Marvel-verse is just the latest example of the insanity that is life in 2019. It's also further proof that the company's reliance on corporate tie-ins is furthering their descent into madness. This is best evidenced by their Transformers line of bears, which basically looked like if Winnie the Pooh was a battle-scarred Terminator.
Hopefully, if the internet is right about how Endgame plays out, we can one day look forward to the release of a teeny-tiny Ant-Man bear you can insert up Thanos' fuzzy butthole.
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Sometimes the stories after the stories are even stranger.
For as much as people love them, the 'Star Wars' movies have gotten rather awkward from time to time.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
Going for that 16th minute.