Zanandi Botes
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What did Bill Murray whisper at the end of Lost In Translation? Could Jack have fit on that door if Rose hadn't really wanted the leg room? How can Andy Samberg be so goddamn cute all the time? These are the questions that drive pop culture junkies mad. And some particularly obsessed fans sacrifice huge amounts of time and effort to come up with answers so we can all sleep a little better at night, not sweatily wondering "How much do Kaiju pee?" For example ...
It Follows was an instant horror classic thanks to its refreshing premise: a sexually transmitted monster-thing stalks and kill its victims, unless it's passed on to another person. Do with that metaphor what you will. Fans have tried to come up with theories on how to best avoid the STDemon, but Mark Hofmeyer decided to take another route. Known for collecting and calculating what he calls "dumb data," Hofmeyer set out to determine exactly how far "It" would have to tramp its way through Michigan to claim Jay, the character it's after.
Hofmeyer collected data on all the film's locations and timeframes, and came up with some interesting numbers. For instance, according to his calculations, the sex-loving (-hating?) monster moves at a constant pace of three miles per hour, which means it can cover 72 miles in a 24-hour period. To put this into perspective, a professional walker (which is apparently a thing) can walk 30 miles a day at most, because they're not supernatural terrors and have to stop to rest or s**t sometimes. Most of the events occur in Detroit, but at one point, Jay and her posse flee to Whitefish Point, which is across Michigan, near Canada. As expected, it takes the monster fewer than six days to get there.
Google MapsThough we're a little disappointed that he assumed it took a ferry instead of plowing through Lake Huron like a damn terminator.
Hofmeyer admits that there is no way to know for sure exactly how far the thing had to walk during the entire film, but he estimates 1,017 miles over a 15-day period. Jesus, it could kill you with its calves alone.
Related: 7 Movie Questions You Won't Believe Fans Actually Answered
Remember that scene in Avengers: Infinity War in which Thanos body-slammed the Hulk like it was nothing? Hold on, let us get it for you.
Walt Disney StudiosFor a guy who routinely shrugs off tank fire like raindrops, this was somehow seen as a checkmate move.
While we were all gaping dumbly, an engineering assistant professor at Northeastern University decided he needed to know more. Steven Cranford started his "whimsical by design" experiment by creating a real molecular model of the Tesseract, that shiny blue cube that Thanos crushes with one hand at the beginning of Infinity War.
The shape of the Tesseract -- known as a hypercube -- is a real concept. It's basically a cube within a cube, a three-dimensional cube with a fourth dimension added to it. Cranford used a fancy molecular dynamics program to see if he could figure out the molecular construct of such a cube, and then calculated the cube's material strength to find out how powerful Thanos would have to be to crush it. It's obviously way more complicated than that, but the point is that Cranford managed to create a stable carbon arrangement which he called hypercubyne.
Steven Crawford/Northeastern UniversityAlso, he credits Tony Stark and Bruce Banner in the acknowledgements, because Steven Crawford is the nerd we should all aspire to be.
Cranford determined that a force of 42,000 tons would be required to squash the hypercubyne/Tesseract into crumbs. That roughly translates to the combined grip strength of 750,000 average U.S. men. He then calculated the proportional relationship between grip strength and lifting capacity, and concluded that Thanos can lift 120 million pounds. That's a little heavier than the Titanic.
These findings raise some alarming questions. How did Thanos not knock the Avengers' heads off in combat? This guy has the grip strength of all the men in Philadelphia combined. How did he not break everyone's necks, even by accident? And how does he masturbate? Is his dick stronger than Texas? Literally, all the rest of our questions are about this, and we have so, so many ...
How wealthy was the Boy Who Lived? Harry Potter inherited the entirety of his family's fortune in Sorceror's Stone, so does that make him a millionaire? Billionaire? Nobody's really sure, because nobody really knows what the exchange rate is between wizard and muggle currency.
However, Reddit user aubieismyhomie realized that by approximating the value of things like candy and bus rides, a rough exchange rate could be determined. When another Reddit user, NeokratusRed, saw these calculations, they analyzed the shots in the movies in which Harry's bank vault is seen, and then did some calculations that would make the Sorting Hat proud.
NeokratosRedWarner Bros. PicturesThough it seems like once you get a McDuckian vault, actually counting it is just splitting hairs.
All in all, the minimum number of galleons (that's wizard gold) in Harry's vault was calculated at 50,625, which translates to $1,265,625, plus an unknown amount of wizard silver and bronze. This was the estimated inheritance Harry started with when he was 11. He also later inherited his godfather's stately house and everything in it, and who even knows how compound interest works in the Wizarding World? On the flip side, this also gives us greater perspective into the Weasleys' poverty, and exactly how generous Harry was when he gave Fred and George his Triwizard Tournament winnings to start their joke shop. (Not very.)
This might be the least surprising effort on this list, because of course, every pop culture nerd would want to know how much force the Force is packing. One such nerd over at Wired did some math using the climactic scene from Rogue One, in which Vader lifts and pins a rebel before slicing his guts out:
Walt Disney StudiosThough they failed to address why the guy with a clear point-blank shot decided to stand there like an idiot.
Using the height and weight of an average man, as well as some video analysis to plot the poor rebel's position, Rhett Allain determined that Vader lifts the rebel about 1.5 meters at an upward velocity of about 3.3 meters per second. Also, the whole motion takes about 0.46 seconds.
Allain then used physics calculations (so we won't have to -- nobody wants to see that) to determine that Vader has an output of 3,065 watts in that scene. For comparison, your average fit adult will have an output of 150 watts maximum during an hour-long intense training session. So yeah, Vader lifts, bro.
Related: 7 Hotly Debated Movie Questions That Totally Have Answers
Listen, we're not proud, but you look at this image and tell us you're not curious about the younger Mario brother's warp pipe.
NintendoMamma Mia!
A guy who calls himself mark (aka Fortooate) certainly was. He was able to estimate the size of Luigi's tennis racket based on real-world specifications, and he then converted those measurements into pixels. He then reverse-calculated Luigi's bulge to come up with a number, and that number is ...
Nintendo"Hey-a! Don't measure that now! I just-a came from an ice level!"
3.7 inches flaccid. Given that the average length of a flaccid penis is 3.61 inches, the outcome is a little underwhelming. Some fans (read: us) might point out that these calculations could be thrown off by the angle of the racket, the possibility that he's a grower and not a shower, and that his balls might also be in play somewhere. It's very important that you remember Luigi's testicles at all times.
Zanandi also writes about penises over at Macaulay Culkin's celebrity lifestyle satire site. No part of that is a joke. Check it out, and follow her on Twitter.
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