If You Don't Want Ulcerative Colitis, Smoke More Cigarettes
Ulcerative colitis (UC) is a persistent, painful disease of the bowels whereby diarrhea and constipation somehow work in tandem, as well as bloody stool and whatever "bowel leakage" is. No, we're not going to look it up. The last-ditch treatment for UC, a proctocolectomy, is also unpleasant. That's a surgical removal of the colon, rectum, and anus. As you can imagine, the alternatives to "having a functioning anus" aren't fun. Oh, and UC rates are going up, for reasons the medical community either can't fathom or doesn't really like to dwell on.
But don't give up hope. If you fear this predicament, this is one surefire way to ward it off, and that's to break out a pack of Camels. Smoking cigarettes prevents UC -- an observation first recorded back in the 1980s, when epidemiologists noted that smokers rarely suffered from it. Repeated studies have strengthened the correlation, to the annoyance of doctors everywhere. Trust us, they've tried really hard to disprove that a cigarette break levels up your colon. For obvious reasons.
It still isn't clear how smoke quashes UC, but it seems to involve the way the body absorbs nicotine. Until a better solution is found, you're stuck with drugs that induce anemia, osteoporosis, and cataracts ... or the silky smooth taste of Lucky Strikes! (Comes with a free side of emphysema.)