Ultimately, Wheaton wins the debate, accomplishing in a mere three short lectures what the world's greatest philosophers have failed to do for centuries, and passes his class. Never mind that God tends to frown on people who insist on proof of His existence. Oh yeah, and the evil professor is immediately hit by a car, because this movie was written by a drunk toddler.

Having come to fear God in a "knife-wielding maniac" kind of way, you better believe that professor converts as he lay dying. That's the lesson of the movie: Eschew faith all you want, but you better at least pay lip service to God, because He is a murderous lunatic.

Where it gets weird (it wasn't already?) is when David the Goliath continues on to say that Jesus will return "in a few years" (the same is said in the original Chick Tract this short is based on, which was published in 1978) to "wipe out the world's armies" and commence Judgment Day. After that, God will physically pick you up and throw you into a lake of fire.

Chick Publications"Noooo, my phone!"

So yes, Jesus is tough because he is merciful. But God is tough because he will straight fuck you up. Look into his eyes and tell us he won't:

Chick PublicationsHe hates you as much as he hates Visine.

At the start of the movie, our hero Clay refuses to even go into a room with love interest Amber, ostensibly to protect her honor. Already he's showing the kind of sexual paranoia that would get you a vice presidency. He judges her entire personality according to his whims, grills her on things like her stance on capital punishment, her pet peeves, the number of children she wants, and the number of sexual partners she has had, then literally grades her down if she gives an answer he doesn't like. It's like some horrible cross between The Handmaid's Tale and Cambridge Analytica. When she says that she doesn't have experience caring for children, he stops the date immediately and drags her to his friend's house to force her to prepare baby food for their infant son. Again, none of this is a sexy game, just straight up boner-free humiliation. When Amber breaks down and asks him to compliment her even once, to tell her she's beautiful, he responds "So you want me to lie?" That's not any kind of sub/dom relationship; that's good old-fashioned being a dick.

By the end, Clay does propose to Amber (but in the middle of the baby food aisle, just to hammer home exactly what she means to him) and finally relents enough to give her a kiss on the cheek. So dating a nice Christian boy means cheerfully submitting yourself to constant emotional degradation and suppressing every conflicting desire and thought, and you don't even get any good hard dicking for it.

To be fair, exploiting a soldier's death with a snuff film works, and Christmas is saved from the evil ACLU. Moral of the story: Uh ... whatever it takes to get your way?

As for ostentatious consumerism, why, that's the most religious thing, since from a child's perspective, a bunch of boxes around the tree is the skyline of New Jerusalem. Besides, giving children material gifts is a metaphor for Jesus giving all of mankind His material body. Silly us, we thought it was because of the three wise men thing.

Finally, Kirk regales us with a tale about Saint Nicholas attending a religious meeting, dragging a man who disagreed with him outside, beating him to death with a rod, then going home and announcing his intention to bless the children of the world. This is accompanied by the visual of a man dressed as Santa Claus staring into the camera and cracking his knuckles for a full minute.

Nobody could miss the moral of that story: Santa will kill you for no reason.

Samuel Goldwyn FilmsYes, you, children watching at home.

Adam Koski also wrote a suspenseful horror novel about cults called Not Meant To Know. Jordan Breeding also writes for a whole mess of other people, the Twitter, and randomly did all the guitar work for God's Not Dead.

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For more, check out 5 Insane Christian Movies You Won't Believe Are Serious and 6 Pro-Christian Films That Made Christians Look Like Jerks.

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