4

Jesus Wasn't "The Sissy," And He Will Throw You In A Lake Of Fire To Prove It

In this seven-minute 3D cartoon from Jack "Crazy Hobos Cross The Street To Avoid ME" Chick himself, two macho truck drivers named Billy Joe and Duke start off mocking another truck in the parking lot that's decorated with the words "JESUS SAVES." They soon regret it when the man-monster of a driver emerges and intimidates them into having coffee with him to discuss why they think Jesus was, quote, "a sissy." Beef Mountain explains that Jesus was in fact super tough, because even though he had all the power of Heaven on standby, he held back, even while he was being beaten to death -- much in the same way a big dude wouldn't pick on someone weaker than him. We remember the moral of that story being slightly different, but Big McLargehuge convinces Billy Joe and Duke to accept Jesus as their lord and savior, or at least pretend to so the giant doesn't eat them.

Where it gets weird (it wasn't already?) is when David the Goliath continues on to say that Jesus will return "in a few years" (the same is said in the original Chick Tract this short is based on, which was published in 1978) to "wipe out the world's armies" and commence Judgment Day. After that, God will physically pick you up and throw you into a lake of fire.

Chick Publications"Noooo, my phone!"

So yes, Jesus is tough because he is merciful. But God is tough because he will straight fuck you up. Look into his eyes and tell us he won't:

Chick PublicationsHe hates you as much as he hates Visine.

3

Good Old Fashioned Mental Abuse Is What's Really Sexy

Old Fashioned was supposed to be a Christian alternative to Fifty Shades Of Grey, even released in theaters the same month as the first Fifty Shades movie. But if you take all of the sinful, sexy BDSM out of Fifty Shades Of Grey, it's nothing but a movie about an abusive relationship. Which is exactly what Old Fashioned did.

2

Bleed Every Last Ounce Of Courage From Your Dead Dad To Get What You Want

Last Ounce Of Courage is the story of a small-town mayor and a group of Christian schoolchildren battling the evil ACLU, who want to take down the local Christmas tree, as well as the evil school principal, who removed Jesus from the Nativity scene. Luckily, the kids have a secret weapon: a heartfelt video made by a soldier overseas.

After a whole bunch of self-indulgent whining about the persecution of Christians, the kids gather the whole town together, lock the doors, and play their captive audience a video from a father in Iraq sending a message home to his family. Turns out it's one of the Christian kids' dads. It all gets you right in the feels before it hits you right in the gut. Just before the video ends, an explosion goes off, killing the father. The last frame is a close-up of his lifeless corpse.

1

Saving Christmas Involves Kirk Cameron Going Completely Mad

In this 2014 film that's somewhere between "educational short" and "educational way-too-long," Kirk Cameron demonstrates his superior range by playing himself as an insane person. He starts by explaining that some people think Santa Claus, Christmas trees, and presents detract from the reason for the season, but they couldn't be more wrong. Turns out everything about Christmas, including the provably pagan or department-store-invented elements, actually has its origins in Jesus.

An example: You know how the date of Christmas is tied to the winter solstice and not Jesus's real birth date, right? Well, Kirk reasons that God invented the winter solstice, so both of those are really Christian things. Same for trees. Also, pagans decorating trees were actually stealing from Jesus, since Jesus decorated a wooden cross with his body. Jesus' limbs were also really stretched out on the cross, which means he invented stretching, but you're the one that mastered it, Kirk.

Samuel Goldwyn Films"Santa's milk and cookies? Basically dessert Eucharist."

As for ostentatious consumerism, why, that's the most religious thing, since from a child's perspective, a bunch of boxes around the tree is the skyline of New Jerusalem. Besides, giving children material gifts is a metaphor for Jesus giving all of mankind His material body. Silly us, we thought it was because of the three wise men thing.

Finally, Kirk regales us with a tale about Saint Nicholas attending a religious meeting, dragging a man who disagreed with him outside, beating him to death with a rod, then going home and announcing his intention to bless the children of the world. This is accompanied by the visual of a man dressed as Santa Claus staring into the camera and cracking his knuckles for a full minute.

Nobody could miss the moral of that story: Santa will kill you for no reason.

Samuel Goldwyn FilmsYes, you, children watching at home.

Adam Koski also wrote a suspenseful horror novel about cults called Not Meant To Know. Jordan Breeding also writes for a whole mess of other people, the Twitter, and randomly did all the guitar work for God's Not Dead.

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For more, check out 5 Insane Christian Movies You Won't Believe Are Serious and 6 Pro-Christian Films That Made Christians Look Like Jerks.

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