5

God's Not Dead, But He Will Kill You

God's Not Dead is possibly the most successful Christian movie ever, thanks to the sheer unapproachable star power of both Kevin Sorbo and Dean Cain. Both! The casting alone must have cost thousands of dollars. The film focuses on the conflict between an atheist philosophy professor, played by Sorbo, and a Christian student named Josh Wheaton. (No relation. They're not even spelled the same. What is wrong with you?)

On Wheaton's first day in the clearly evil professor's class, Sorbo forces his students to sign a declaration that "God is dead," promising them a failing grade if they refuse. Wheaton objects, not on the grounds that it's totally illegal and he's rightfully worried about wasting time on this class when the professor is probably already fired, but because he's a Christian. The professor challenges Wheaton to a philosophy duel, because nobody involved with this movie has ever even thought about a real college, and the pair spend the next three classes making their respective cases for and against the existence of God. The power-mad professor leaves it up to the rest of the students to decide if Wheaton passes or fails, presumably because he has a much better position waiting and desperately needs to get fired, like, yesterday.

4

Jesus Wasn't "The Sissy," And He Will Throw You In A Lake Of Fire To Prove It

In this seven-minute 3D cartoon from Jack "Crazy Hobos Cross The Street To Avoid ME" Chick himself, two macho truck drivers named Billy Joe and Duke start off mocking another truck in the parking lot that's decorated with the words "JESUS SAVES." They soon regret it when the man-monster of a driver emerges and intimidates them into having coffee with him to discuss why they think Jesus was, quote, "a sissy." Beef Mountain explains that Jesus was in fact super tough, because even though he had all the power of Heaven on standby, he held back, even while he was being beaten to death -- much in the same way a big dude wouldn't pick on someone weaker than him. We remember the moral of that story being slightly different, but Big McLargehuge convinces Billy Joe and Duke to accept Jesus as their lord and savior, or at least pretend to so the giant doesn't eat them.

3

Good Old Fashioned Mental Abuse Is What's Really Sexy

Old Fashioned was supposed to be a Christian alternative to Fifty Shades Of Grey, even released in theaters the same month as the first Fifty Shades movie. But if you take all of the sinful, sexy BDSM out of Fifty Shades Of Grey, it's nothing but a movie about an abusive relationship. Which is exactly what Old Fashioned did.

2

Bleed Every Last Ounce Of Courage From Your Dead Dad To Get What You Want

Last Ounce Of Courage is the story of a small-town mayor and a group of Christian schoolchildren battling the evil ACLU, who want to take down the local Christmas tree, as well as the evil school principal, who removed Jesus from the Nativity scene. Luckily, the kids have a secret weapon: a heartfelt video made by a soldier overseas.

After a whole bunch of self-indulgent whining about the persecution of Christians, the kids gather the whole town together, lock the doors, and play their captive audience a video from a father in Iraq sending a message home to his family. Turns out it's one of the Christian kids' dads. It all gets you right in the feels before it hits you right in the gut. Just before the video ends, an explosion goes off, killing the father. The last frame is a close-up of his lifeless corpse.

Rocky Mountain Pictures

Rocky Mountain PicturesSpoiler: He doesn't come back three days later

1

Saving Christmas Involves Kirk Cameron Going Completely Mad

In this 2014 film that's somewhere between "educational short" and "educational way-too-long," Kirk Cameron demonstrates his superior range by playing himself as an insane person. He starts by explaining that some people think Santa Claus, Christmas trees, and presents detract from the reason for the season, but they couldn't be more wrong. Turns out everything about Christmas, including the provably pagan or department-store-invented elements, actually has its origins in Jesus.

An example: You know how the date of Christmas is tied to the winter solstice and not Jesus's real birth date, right? Well, Kirk reasons that God invented the winter solstice, so both of those are really Christian things. Same for trees. Also, pagans decorating trees were actually stealing from Jesus, since Jesus decorated a wooden cross with his body. Jesus' limbs were also really stretched out on the cross, which means he invented stretching, but you're the one that mastered it, Kirk.

Samuel Goldwyn Films"Santa's milk and cookies? Basically dessert Eucharist."