4

One President Of Gambia Kept Making Up Fake Titles

While lots of tyrants have their quaint little hobbies they obsess over, most of them prefer to obsess about the same thing: themselves. The current narcissist world champ is beyond doubt the former "president" of Gambia, whose official title was "His Excellency Sheikh Professor Alhaji Dr. Yahya Abdul-Aziz Jemus Junkung Jammeh," or as we like to call him, His Excellency Sheikh Professor Alhaji Dr. Yahya Abdul-Aziz Jemus Junkung Jammeh, Esquire.

SunuGambiaFor obvious reasons.

Jammeh ruled the tiny African country from 1994 to January 2017, when he was removed from power and exiled for -- among other things -- skimming some $50 million from the government. During his time in power, Jammeh was known for his hatred of homosexuals, randomly executing prisoners, and insisting he could cure AIDS and infertility in women. He also vowed to rule for a billion years or until Allah removed him -- the latter coming a lot quicker than he expected. But what really set him apart from your boilerplate mad tyrant was his Daenerys-like tendencies to give himself the most long-winded bullshit accolades known to man.

Greg Walters/Wiki Commons“The Half-Baked, Maker of Chains, and Oppressor of the Realm”

In addition to giving carpal tunnel syndrome to anyone having to type his full name, Jammeh bestowed upon himself quite a few made-up accolades. In September 2010, the state newspaper announced that President Jammeh had "bagged four awards." President "Barrack" Obama allegedly gave him the "President's Volunteer Call to Service Award" and a "Platinum Award," which, surprisingly, don't exist. Further diversifying his imaginary award portfolio, Jammeh also claimed the Printers and Publishers Guild of Northern Germany gave him an "Honorary Vocational Bachelor's' Degree." Last but not least, he became an Admiral of the Great Navy of the State of Nebraska -- a title that, despite Nebraska not having a coast, does indeed exist. But unfortunately, the award is only given to Nebraskans who have demonstrated "outstanding citizenship." In other words, not to Jammeh. Then again, those are the kind of problems for people who don't arrest journalists for trying to figure out the truth.

3

Saddam Hussein Had A Serious Doritos Habit

We've already told you how Saddam Hussein wrote a sappy romance novel, and we've talked about his supervillain-lair-style bunker that survived 20 cruise missiles and seven bunker-busters (but not Iraqi looters). But you can't truly know a person until you find out what their favorite snack is. Luckily for us, Hussein was very vocal about his raging hard-on for a bag of Doritos.

Darko Bandic-Pool/Getty Images“I’m all that AND a bag of chips!”

According to the soldiers who guarded Hussein during his three-year captivity, he was initially a Cheetos man, and would "get grumpy" if they ever ran out. During one such Cheeto outage, the soldiers gave him Doritos instead, and Saddam never looked back, happily coating the metaphorical blood on his hands with the actual orange residue of Doritos Nacho Cheese. In fact, much like how he used to do with dissident families, the incarcerated Hussein could make an entire family-sized bag of Doritos disappear in a mere ten minutes. "That's all he talked about, that's all he wanted to eat after that," his former guard said.

Aboriginal Peoples Television NetworkWhich, with the beard he had when was found, had to be an utter mess.

Ironically for a man who inhaled enough Doritos dust that he probably had miner's lung, Hussein was also a total germaphobe, cleaning his table, metal trays, and eating utensils with baby wipes before using them. In December 2006, the chips were finally down for Hussein, who was found guilty of a whole bunch of stuff and executed by hanging. We wonder what his final meal was ...

2

Colonel Gaddafi Sponsored A Failing Ice Hockey Team

During his reign, Muammar Gaddafi had so many quirks that he could've been the poster child for Obsessive Dictator Disorder. He was obsessed with Condoleezza Rice, had a cadre of female virgin bodyguards, collected celebrities like Pokemon, and kept trying to convert models to Islam. And while the people of Libya will forever have to pinch the bridges of their noses when remembering his legacy, there is another group of people on whom Gaddafi left his mark -- because his name was on their chests.

1

Kirsan Ilyumzhinov Was Abducted By The Aliens Who Invented Chess

For the uninitiated, Kirsan Ilyumzhinov might be the maddest world leader who didn't suffer from syphilis. A millionaire businessman, he was picked by Vladimir Putin to run the Russian Republic of Kalmykia for the better part of two decades, while simultaneously being the long-serving president of the World Chess Federation (FIDE). And while calling Kirsan Ilyumzhinov a "dictator" might not be technically correct, he is seen as a wildly corrupt leader who is on the U.S. sanctions list and has a chapter in his autobiography titled "It only takes two weeks to have a man killed." But gauging his validity as a political leader is a tricky sociopolitical subject that would require a lengthy debate.

Besides politics and taking hella bribes, Ilyumzhinov's true passion has always been chess.

via The TelegraphSaddam, Jammeh, and Hitler got winner.

During his time in power, he made chess lessons mandatory for all children living in the Kalmykia region. He also wrote to New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg and offered him a cool $10 million to stick a "World Chess Center" on Ground Zero, which would be "built in the form of a chess figure, the king, of glass and concrete." He also insists there is "some kind of code" in chess. It's not, he claims, a coincidence that there are 64 squares on a chessboard and 64 codons in human DNA. Of course, there are also 64 positions in the Kama Sutra ...

John Gichigi/Getty Images SportBut somehow it's unsurprising that a chess nerd doesn't know that.

And while this would already be enough to realize he's a few bishops shy of a chess set, Ilymzhinov went one knightly leap further when he admitted that he believed "chess was brought to Earth by aliens." The former president knows this because in 1997, he was abducted by aliens. After being given the grand tour of their UFO, he had a nice long chat with said aliens, who not only informed him that they were the ones who gave mankind chess (and sweetcorn), but also that "if not enough people take up the game, the aliens might destroy our planet." Then again, is a world in which we have to listen to a crazed millionaire telling us to love chess or die really a world still worth saving?

We're not going to not suggest you pick up a copy of Chess For Dummies, just in case.

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For more check out 6 Brutal Dictators You Didn't Know Had Celebrity BFFs and The 5 Most Creative Acts of Insanity by Modern Dictators.

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