Look, wealthy people have every right to throw fancy weddings. But when you get the newspaper to rub our faces in it like this, you inch just that little bit closer to becoming the villains in a young adult dystopia.

But don't worry -- their extreme wealth hasn't caused them to forget how to treat working-class life like a novelty:

The New York Times

The New York Times

Sometimes, the opulence comes with a delicious hint of scandal:

The New York Times

The New York Times

Would you believe this paean to a love that triumphed in the face of other spouses somehow suffered a backlash? Look, relationships are tough, and sometimes divorce happens. We get it. But maybe don't write a glowing tribute to how you were able to overcome the pain and criticism you endured from breaking up each other's marriages.

Oh, and the gifts. Sometimes there are gifts.

The New York Times

The New York Times

Sorry folks, if you've never given a goat to seal the approval of your in-laws, your love doesn't count. You're not going to find any gushing wedding announcements for blue-collar tradespeople in the wedding pages of the NYT, because in their world, weddings don't exist unless they have celebrity DJ booths, Givenchy loot bags, and fair-trade cocaine bars.

But don't worry -- even despite these limitations, a sense of journalistic integrity remains:

The New York Times

Journalism, folks. The future of our republic depends on it.

There's something pretentious for you too, ladies:

The New York Times

A good rule of thumb is that, whenever a headline poses a question, the answer to that question is no. This is especially true if the question is fucking stupid.

The New York Times

That is an absolutely real article earnestly extolling the social capital to be gained in today's society by wearing a fucking monocle for no fucking reason whatsoever.

And finally we bring you to this, in which the Times crawls directly up its own asshole to discuss how trendy it is to wear normal clothes.

The New York Times

If you hadn't heard, normcore is the term when otherwise fashionable people opt for bland clothes, the kind that you might find in (shudder) a store with shopping carts. There's another, more common term for "Normcore," New York Times. It's called "wearing affordable clothes you like without making a pretentious cultural statement because you don't have disposable income to waste on fancy bullshit."

Aw, you poor thing, throwing away your money on something as frivolous as rent. Look, if you have advantages, take them; we won't hold it against you. We aren't all filthy communists here at Cracked.

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But for the love of Midas, at least acknowledge your cosmic privilege. Don't present it as an inspirational story of triumph and maturity, not when so many of the rest of us are struggling to enter the housing market with the help of our regular, poor parents.

To be fair, the NYT also covers the house-hunting adventures of people who are self-sufficient go-getters, no longer reliant on any financial support but their own. Like this person, who rented a $2,350 a month apartment to serve as a "base" while searching for a second apartment to drop 600 grand on and then immediately tear apart and renovate. Or the tragic story of a woman with a budget of 800 grand and a dream of living in New York's financial district. But, unable to find something suitable in her near-million-dollar price range, she had to settle for a corner apartment in the Upper East Side for a thrifty $650,000.

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Within this gem of an article, the Times explains that trend-setting pocketknife owners are "office-bound urban men [who] have adopted the accoutrements of their free-range rural brethren," because they have never met a concept they couldn't over-explain by molesting a thesaurus.

The New York Times

Thank goodness an entire generation has rediscovered how knives are used. Keep reading for the Times' scintillating coverage of how washing machines are a huge improvement over beating your clothes with rocks. Also, we should be clear that, because this is The New York Times, these aren't just regular pocketknives we're talking about, like some poor person might own. These are designer knives. Like the Sebenza 21, which will set you back a cool 350 bucks, plus an extra $195 if you want the blade made of Damascus steel (compared to the exactly as functional $30 pocketknife from Walmart, but you have to supply your own pretentiousness).

Which brings us to beards. Growing a beard isn't necessarily pretentious -- it's a totally justifiable grooming choice many men make. But according to The New York Times, growing a beard is the biggest goddamn deal in history. They devote pages-long examinations about the trials of poor, wispy lads who are tragically unable to grow full beards. For example, here's a chronicle of a man's attempt to grow a beard, which is inexplicably in The New York Times and not a teen boy's LiveJournal. And here's a 1300-word essay on the travails and tragedies of the beardless life, one that kicks off with a Walt Whitman reference.

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You'll be happy to know the Times has more to say on masculinity, using a list-based format first popularized by far lower-browed publications.

The New York Times

Is this a big problem? It feels like the author is passive-aggressively settling a really particular score here. Oh wait, there's more.

The New York Times

Wow, the modern man sounds like a dickhead.

The New York Times

Uh-huh. Hey, just remember when you're over at the modern man's apartment, partaking in the sterling commentary on modern masculinity that is 2006's Miami Vice, not to ask for a Sprite, lest he kick you out and call you a prole.

Fuck you. They're talking about a book club here. Some 20-somethings in New York started a book club, where they discuss books using very big words. They also have a website. Apparently all it takes for the Times to write an ego-stroking essay for your benefit is to be an attractive white person, call your book club a "salon," and jabber about poststructuralism on a website. It's so transparent that we might as well start calling it "ego-hacking."

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