A few weeks ago, Donald Trump decided his campaign team wasn't Legion of Doomy enough, so he added Breitbart News chairman Stephen Bannon. Now, a presidential candidate forming an alliance with a media website in itself is pretty weird, but Breitbart isn't just any media outlet. Breitbart makes Fox News look like the BBC. If websites were people, Fox News would be your friend who's casually thinking of voting for Trump because they can't stand Hillary Clinton, and Breitbart would be Donald Trump when he went on the WWE.
For anyone who hasn't visited Breitbart, the alt-right "news" site was started in 2007 by the late Andrew Breitbart, and to this day, it continues his tradition of being the absolute worst. We waded through its archives and found six "reporting" strategies that best exemplify their incompetence, before we left to take the longest showers of our lives.
6They Make Up Obama Quotes For Their Headlines
Breitbart News has always had a shaky relationship with the truth -- most notably in 2014, when they added a correction to the bottom of an article saying that the entire thing was wrong.
"Correction: We earlier identified ourselves as a news outlet. We were, in fact, mistaken."
So when it comes time for Trump's new media partner to write an article bashing President Obama (1 p.m. Eastern, every weekday), instead of searching endlessly for an inflammatory quote from him, they'll merely assemble one out of other quotes like a grade-school construction paper project. For a fun game, read the original Obama quotes below, and then see if you can construct the bonkers headline Breitbart made up without peeking.
In July 2014, Barack and Michelle Obama issued a statement for the end of Ramadan, giving thanks for the "achievements and contributions of Muslim Americans to building the very fabric of our nation and strengthening the core of our democracy."
And here was Breitbart's highly selective take:
Another example: While talking about Black Lives Matter, Obama said the following: "if police organizations and departments acknowledge that there's a problem and there's an issue, then that, too, is going to contribute to real solutions. And, as I said yesterday, that is what's going to ultimately help make the job of being a cop a lot safer."
The ever-resourceful Breitbart editors managed to take this quote and make it sound like a goddamned threat against police:
"Reports of Obama ashing a cigar while wearing a '30s mobster suit have not been confirmed, but feel free to assume so."
And that's just the tip of the iceberg. They'll also resort to putting words in his mouth that he didn't say. This headline ...
... was immediately followed by:
"On Tuesday, former Obama advisor David Axelrod informed an Israeli television channel that President Obama considers himself 'the closest thing to a Jew that has ever sat in this office.'"
Apparently, the Breitbart people confused the colon with the phrase "Someone on Obama's team said." Easy mistake. For example, by Breitbart logic, we could say "Trump: 'I Made a Poopy in my Panties,'" when we really mean "Trump's Grandkid Has a Dirty Diaper."
5They Really Want To "Prove" That Hate Crimes Aren't Real
Like all politicians do when they see the full moon every four years, Trump is hard at work trying to act like he cares about minorities. Between complimenting Hispanics on their delicious taco bowls, calling only some Mexicans rapists, and awkwardly touching black people from as far away as possible ...
... it's no wonder that some polls are showing him getting a whopping 1 percent of the black vote. So how is Breitbart helping with this outreach? By telling minorities that hate crimes against them aren't real, naturally.
Even Breitbart users aren't depraved enough to use Google+.
This is a very bizarre fixation of theirs. They're not trying to prove that hate crimes are acceptable or free speech, but that they do not happen. Take this headline, for example:
Checkmate, liberals. Over 100 fake hate crimes were reported in the past decade. If our math checks out, that's ten hoaxes per year, also known as a whopping 0.003 percent to 0.005 percent of the 200,000-300,000 hate crimes reported annually. Perhaps if we were as brazen, courageous, and math-impaired as Breitbart News, we'd be able to face the truth that accusing people of hate crimes is the real hate crime.
You might think that their secret goal in downplaying hate crimes is to subtly give their readers "permission" to use hate speech, but you'd be wrong. There is nothing subtle about how they do that. Case in point:
"Oh shit! They said 'No takebacks!' Looks like we have to roll with it." -- every other gay person, presumably
This delightful piece, wherein the author implores their readers to Make America Middle-Schoolers Again by using "gay" as an insult, was penned by Milo Yiannopoulos, a gay man who is such a legendary piece of shit that he got Twitter to actually enforce their terms of service for once and ban him. And while a proclamation like that would appeal to the anti-PC crowd that Trump has married himself to, people who have stopped writing "80085" with their calculators probably aren't going to be too impressed.