So what will your post-apocalyptic life in Ark Two be like? Well, you'll awaken from your long nuclear winter's nap in your sleeping quarters, which are much like ... a bus.

Bruce Beach
And not a single window to release the everlasting fart stank.

Then it's time to wash up in the bathroom, which is ... also a bus.

Bruce Beach
We just had a nightmarish flashback to the time we couldn't hold it through the bus ride in third grade.

The kitchen? Yep, it's a bus.

Bruce Beach
Buses are the safest structure. That's why they need no seatbelts.

If your nights aren't already sleepless enough due to the fact that there's an endless bombardment of nuclear fallout approximately 12 feet overhead, you can always pay a visit to the "dental room," which is ... also a bus, but one decorated by Eli Roth.

radmeters4u.com
Even 12 feet of solid concrete can't contain the screams.

At this point, it's understandable if you'd like to go a bit more, shall we say, "upscale" in your post-apocalypse accommodations. Perhaps you would prefer ...

Each unit comes complete with sparkling new appliances, TVs programmed to simulate a view of the (presumably pre-kaboom) outside world, private internet access (while the internet is a thing, that is), and, naturally, access to a massive cache of weapons to fend off your irradiated former friends and family.

NBC
"And this button on your remote launches the leftover Cold War missile that we totally didn't find ..."

Other options on the upper end of the survival scale come courtesy of Vivos, whose family of repurposed properties for the prodigiously paranoid includes the sprawling xPoint complex, a series of 575 subterranean shelters scattered across 9,000 acres of undisputed South Dakotan wilderness.

Vivos
That sound you hear isn't thunder; it's herds of mutant buffalo.

A spot there can be yours for the low, low price of $25,000 ... plus a ground lease payment of $1,000 per year for 99 years. Never let it be said that Vivos isn't optimistic in at least one regard.

For something just as luxuriant but a bit less ethereal, spots at the fully complete Vivos Indiana are going for $35,000 per head. Sequestered within your 4-star private bunker's lavishly appointed lounge room, you and up to 80 distinguished associates can watch the disintegration of civilization in glorious 4K.

Vivos
The boils have never looked so boil-y.

For those who prefer their survival packaged in a more tube-like fashion (we're looking at you, Bruce Beach), Vivos can deliver their snazzy Quantum shelters to a location of your choosing. Should you find the need to sprawl, multiple units can even be arranged in a hub-and-spoke fashion, like some kind of prepper shuriken.

Vivos
Ninjas not included.

Country living not your cup o' tea? Don't fret, we've got just the place for you ...

Henderson planned to wait out the inevitable attack from the Russkies here, and he had no intention of being bored while doing so: In addition to the houses, the bunker includes "a four-hole putting green, a swimming pool, two jacuzzis, a sauna, a dance floor with a small stage, a bar, a barbecue, and huge murals of rural, tranquil settings." Surely those won't become soul-crushingly depressing after about the third year of not seeing actual sunlight.

As you tour this vast underground lair, you'll truly feel as if you've been gently enveloped by Las Vegas's bowels, thanks to eclectic decor such as wallpaper that looks as if it was ripped straight off of Elton John's back --

Vegas Inc
Your retinas burned out long before your legend ever did.

-- and a full-sized Barbie Dreamhouse kitchen with pop-out appliances:

Vegas Inc
Let's hope there wasn't a "Barbie doll" to go along with it.

Still not quite "city" enough for you? Well, there's always ...

Designed by architect John Carl Warnecke, this metropolitan monolith is a fascist-approved brutalist masterpiece, because sometimes ugly happens on purpose. In the days when phones didn't fit in pockets and "long distance" was an ingrained part of the national lexicon (ask your parents), the windowless building housed the switching equipment that enabled scads of Americans to not call their mothers often enough.

Not only did its featureless facade protect the delicate equipment inside from the destructive heat of the sun, but it was designed to withstand a full-on, Big Apple-splattering nuclear strike. The original plans included "enough food, water and generator fuel to sustain 1,500 people for two weeks during a catastrophic loss of power to the city."

Mister V/Wiki Commons
Alternatively, it could sustain one you for approximately eternity.

More recently, the building has been speculated to house a massive NSA surveillance operation sinisterly known as TITANPOINTE. So should you plan to make this your post-Armageddon abode, not only will you have to take on hordes of mutated Manhattanites, you'll have to go head-to-head with The Man as well. Still, it might be worth it for its proximity to the shattered remains of Broadway.

Of course, being holed up in a giant concrete rectangle shares a glaring commonality with all of the other options we've presented so far: it's brain-meltingly lonely. If eking out a living amongst a limited group of survivors doesn't sound like your idea of a scorched-earth paradise, then you might instead consider ...

In case of nuclear death raining down to melt men like so much scrumptious chocolate, every single citizen of Switzerland is promised protection in a bunker -- because having ready access to a bunker is the law. There are around 300,000 of them in private dwellings, presumably each featuring a shelf on which to prominently display their government-issued rifle. When building a home, families must either factor in the cost of a bunker or pay into a community one, and in the case of renters, landlords are required to provide bunkers capable of housing all their tenants. To cover any stragglers, there are over 5,000 government shelters open to the public.

You simply can't take a stroll through the Swiss countryside or a yodel through the Swiss Alps without stumbling upon something that looks like the entrance to a goddamned superhero's lair.

Time Out Switzerland
That, or you've just unwittingly discovered a top-secret cheese cache.

Of course, this level of security don't come cheap: On average, the Swiss -- citizens of a country that has been vocally neutral in every single war for the past two centuries -- spend more than 20 percent of their budget on defense. The result is prepper-level protection for nearly nine million individuals ... in a country with a population of slightly over eight million.

That means if you sign up for a Swiss pen pal and get started on some serious ass-kissing right now, there's a solid chance you could secure yourself one of those extra million spots. Just aim for a well-off citizen with his or her own private bunker, as post-apocalyptic public housing will likely be just as depressing as pre-apocalyptic public housing.

Time Out Switzerland
Seriously, not a single flat screen in sight.

Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex.

On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of 'Sex at Dawn', onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think.

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