6 Tech Innovations (Absolutely Nobody Asked For)
Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should do it -- just ask whoever invented barbed wire tattoos.
And just because you have an engineering background and an overactive imagination doesn't mean you should construct every batshit gadget that pops into your crazy head. That's how we ended up with these crimes against logic and good taste.
A Fake Tongue For Licking Your Cat
Because cat people aren't in in any hurry to dispel the "crazy" part of their usual stereotype, there is now a tool you can use to lick your cat.
We'll let that tidbit sit for a minute before moving on.
Believe us, we wish this was a euphemism for oral sex.
The LICKI Brush works when you, an adult human, put a pacifier in your mouth. Only instead of your pacifier featuring a ring or cartoon character, the thing at the end of your pacifier is a giant rubber tongue. You then use this tongue to caress your cat's body. Don't feel weird; you're not doing anything that another cat or an insane person wouldn't do.
We've told you before that cats think of humans as just big, dumb versions of themselves. And since cats bond with each other through licking, someone decided that cat owners were in desperate need of a brush that would mimic said licking. Before you knew it, the world was blessed with a Kickstarter looking for $36,500 to make the LICKI Brush happen. And by golly! They did it! They raised the money for a tool that is "designed to feel pleasurable to your cat's sensitive skin" and is a "meditative practice, soothing for both you and your cat," which is completely scientific and in no way creepy.
Again, this is probably the only instance where sex slang would actually be less dirty.
The LICKI Brush advises you to "slowly approach your cat when she is sleeping" to use the device, which sounds totally reasonable. If you're going to come at your pet with a giant rubber pegboard sticking unnaturally out of your mouth, ambushing them is clearly the best way to do it.
"Your cat will love it! Or claw your goddamned eyes out! Definitely one of the two!"
The Kickstarter also mentions that this device allows you to lick your cat "without the furballs," as if that was the only thing stopping you before, and that you can "invite your friends and their cats over for LICKI parties," which is heroically ignoring the fact that the type of person who buys a giant fake tongue to lick their cat isn't the type of person who throws parties or has friends.
The Vibrator That Analyzes Your Orgasms
As anyone who's ever heard a standup comedy routine in the last 40 years can tell you, men and women are hilariously different. For instance, when it comes to masturbating, men are fine with just wailing on their boners for a minute or two and then heading back out to the sales floor to finish their shift at Circuit City. According to the maker of the smart vibrator the Lioness, women need detailed analyses about the experience. Analyses from their VAGINAS.
It's the cave where sex occurs.
Apparently, after you place this particular vibrator in your lady area and turn it on, sensors will pick up things like vaginal contractions, temperature, and movement. The inventor hopes that by having this information, women will be able to better visualize how they get off, "chart their sexually," and feel comfortable trying new things. This, in turn, will help them have a more fulfilling sex life by giving them a way to understand just what their body needs. Kind of like how your mom used to take your temperature and nag you about your eating habits, but from inside your vagina. And you're the mom. This analogy fell apart instantly, but you get the idea.
So how does the lady-tickler convey all this information about your hoohah? Through a smartphone, of course. The app will definitely not lead to any awkward situations if a partner/random stranger on the bus happens to look over your shoulder while you're absorbing your masturbation data.
"You told me you didn't like the twist-n-swirl!"
The Lioness' Indigogo campaign expects the final product to cost $230, which is pretty steep, even for some seriously awesome climaxes. Still, there are some obvious benefits to having this knowledge. The company reached its $50,000 goal within four days, so apparently there are plenty of women who are interested in having an orgasm strategy guide on their phones.
The Smart Mattress That Tells You If Your Partner Is Cheating
It's a wonderful age for paranoid couples in love. Technology has given jealous spouses whole new ways to make sure their partners aren't straying: checking Facebook and text messages, tracking them with GPS, hovering hundreds of feet above them taking photos with a drone -- the options are truly endless.
There's a privacy-invading package to fit every budget.
But now you can take your private-eye skills to an even more disconcerting level. Apparently, you can buy a mattress that will let you know if your partner has been using it to crush some serious ass when you're not around.
While it looks like a regular mattress, the Smarttress is a $1,750 piece of technology that has hidden sensors that detect movement. If the actions mimic those that are most common in lovemaking (squiggly sideways jumps and Morse code taps, according to our experience), an alert is sent to the owner's phone. Is your partner masturbating vigorously or DOING IT with your best friend? The Smarttress will send you on your way to find out.
Admit it, now you want it just to brag about your "speed" and "impact" rate.
The makers consider their creation a public service. Durmet is a Spanish company who claims Spaniards are among the least faithful people in the world, so they invented a cheat-catching mattress out of a sense of national obligation. Maybe Durmet sees themselves as some kind of European Batman or the Batman of adultery (which is the same Batman).
A Smart Bottle Opener That Texts Your Friends Every Time You Have A Drink
In what will possibly be the best or worst advance ever for alcoholics and bros, a Kickstarter already raised its $15,000 goal to create a bottle opener that will let everyone know just how much you have had to drink.
The Bottle Opener X, or BOx (because exciting new tech devices in the 21st century can't use normal capitalization ), is a stylish metal and wood design that hides a "smart board" that uses WiFi to connect you with your friends. When one of you opens your first beer of the day, everyone else gets a message, and they will continue to with each one you pop after that. Have drinking contests from across town! Or be forewarned that your friend needs an intervention when your phone is buzzing off the hook by 9 a.m.
Who could blame them, when it taunts you like that?
If you want to hide your drinking problem but still look as cool as your friends, there is a $19 version that comes without the WiFi connection. In other words, it's just a pretty bottle opener. And the makers insist they are all about safely imbibing, since their app will tell you how many drinks you have consumed over a period of time and remind you not to drink and drive. This is not reflected in the fact that the app lets you collect points and unlock levels based on drinking more than your friends. If you open enough beer bottles you can reach the top of the Global Leaderboard, at which time we hope you're rewarded with a long stay in rehab, a new liver, or a nice casket.
A Smart Pregnancy Test That Makes You Tell It If You Want A Baby Or Not
If you're taking a pregnancy test, there is a good chance you're freaking out a little bit. Either you're really hoping it will say you're having a baby or you're praying with all your might you're still empty up in there. But the average pregnancy test doesn't care which set of emotions you're feeling. It gives you your answer in some lines or plusses, all plastic and unfeeling.
The makers of First Response pregnancy tests don't want you to go through that again. Their new Bluetooth test sends the results to your phone.
"Important: You do not actually pee on your phone to get the result."
After you take the stick out of its wrapper and turn it on, connecting it to the app, you pee on it. The app will let you know if you managed to hit your target, and then the longest three minutes of your life ensues. But the app knows that, and as well as counting down the seconds, it will also ask you how you're feeling. If you need to be calmed down, it will play soothing music. If you want to be entertained, it will show you a funny video.
But it's when the results finally come in that things get weird. See, the app made you tell it if you wanted the test to be positive or not. If you wanted it to be positive and you get that response, it tells you congratulations. If you don't, the reaction is more subdued, and it gives you fertility tips for next time.
Tips 1-5: Have a bunch of sex.
No word on what it tells you if you're embarking on an unwanted pregnancy. It could do anything from listing the phone numbers of different women's clinics in your area to showing you a frowning picture of your dad, so let's hope that whatever it does is in good taste.
Speaking of good taste ...
A Smart Tampon You Have To Tie To Your Waist
Normally when you think of startup companies, you think of nerdy guys in Silicon Valley coming up with a way to fill a need that most people don't even realize they have. But my.Flow (ridiculous capitalization again, this time with bonus punctuation mark -- we have achieved tech-device bingo) is hoping you think of vaginas. Specifically, bleeding vaginas. And they want your money.
Guys, you know that nightmare you have where you stand up in front of class and you realize you're naked? Women have a different variation on that dream, wherein they stand up in front of a group of people and realize they have perioded through their pants. And this is a scenario that can actually happen in real life, unlike the "naked in front of class" nightmare (unless you're going to some wildly experimental school). My.Flow promises to stop this embarrassing situation from ever happening ... provided you're willing to wear a tampon that is anchored to your waist with an electrical cord at all times.
Once this gets out, that clip is going to scream "POINT AND LAUGH" to 12-year-olds.
The 6- to 12-inch cord is necessary for connecting the tampon to a Bluetooth device. In the original design, the Bluetooth was actually inside the tampon, but, shockingly, most women were not quite ready to put electronic transmitters in their cooters on a monthly basis. Still, not everyone is happy with the new design either, with some pointing out that if that string gets caught on a doorknob or something, a seriously embarrassing accident could happen. Specifically, your bloody tampon could be ripped out of your pants like a loose tooth in front of everyone you know and respect.
And what do you get for taking this risk? The Bluetooth connects to an app on your phone that will literally monitor how full your tampon is. While you might think you have a handle on when you need to change your tampon at this point, think of how helpful this would have been to you back in middle school. Or don't, because of the scenario in which a yanked power cord results in a tampon roaring out of your vagina and incinerating your social capital for the next four years. Teenage girls have it hard enough as it is.
"Can you make this just ... not happen anymore? Like, with science?"
Also check out The 5 Most Ridiculously Unnecessary Modern Inventions and 6 "World-Changing" Inventions (That Didn't Change Shit).
Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Why Any Robot Uprising Is Doomed To Fail, and other videos you won't see on the site!
Also, follow us on Facebook, and help us fund our Kickstarter to produce tiny robots that removs the tiny bits of eggshell from the yolk after you crack open the eggs.
Every year we're inundated with movies that are based on true stories. We're about to get a Deepwater Horizon movie where Mark Wahlberg will plug an oil spill with his muscles, and a Sully Sullenberger movie where Tom Hanks will land a plane on the Hudson with acting. But we think Hollywood could do better than this. That's why Jack O'Brien, the Cracked staff and comedians Lindsay Adams, Sunah Bilsted, Eli Olsberg, and Steven Wilber will pitch their ideas of incredible true stories that should be made into movies. Get your tickets for this LIVE podcast here!
