A Fake Tongue For Licking Your Cat
Megan Nanna via Williamette Weekly
Because cat people aren't in in any hurry to dispel the "crazy" part of their usual stereotype, there is now a tool you can use to lick your cat.
We'll let that tidbit sit for a minute before moving on.
Believe us, we wish this was a euphemism for oral sex.
The LICKI Brush works when you, an adult human, put a pacifier in your mouth. Only instead of your pacifier featuring a ring or cartoon character, the thing at the end of your pacifier is a giant rubber tongue. You then use this tongue to caress your cat's body. Don't feel weird; you're not doing anything that another cat or an insane person wouldn't do.
We've told you before that cats think of humans as just big, dumb versions of themselves. And since cats bond with each other through licking, someone decided that cat owners were in desperate need of a brush that would mimic said licking. Before you knew it, the world was blessed with a Kickstarter looking for $36,500 to make the LICKI Brush happen. And by golly! They did it! They raised the money for a tool that is "designed to feel pleasurable to your cat's sensitive skin" and is a "meditative practice, soothing for both you and your cat," which is completely scientific and in no way creepy.
Disney–ABC Domestic Television
Again, this is probably the only instance where sex slang would actually be less dirty.
The LICKI Brush advises you to "slowly approach your cat when she is sleeping" to use the device, which sounds totally reasonable. If you're going to come at your pet with a giant rubber pegboard sticking unnaturally out of your mouth, ambushing them is clearly the best way to do it.
"Your cat will love it! Or claw your goddamned eyes out! Definitely one of the two!"