6 Erotic Tales About Politicians (That'll Destroy Your Mind)
Politics and sex go together like genitals and belt sanders -- horribly, yet morbidly fascinating for all those around you. With that in mind, we tracked down the most mind-blowing pieces of political erotica (politirotica?) so we could all share in the experience of trying to understand why it exists.
"Li'l Dickens" Is The Story Of Vice President Cheney Seducing A Gun Enthusiast
Do you remember when Dick Cheney shot his quail-hunting partner? Both men downplayed it as an unfortunate but understandable accident. But what if it was something more? Something ... sensual?
"Li'l Dickens" by Jerry Stahl (writer of Bad Boys II, a column in Hustler magazine, and several episodes of ALF) opens with the line "I did not mean to sodomize Dick Cheney," and it only gets more incredible from there. In this story, an anonymous narrator bumps into the VP at a gun shop and soon finds himself flirting with the elderly politician.
As one does.
Cheney, who insists on being called Li'l Dickens like he's the star of a 1920s radio drama, takes our hero into a private backroom. The narrator is unable to control himself in the face of Cheney's raw sexual magnetism.
Cheney, who calls our man "soldier," licks him, defends his lack of a wartime service record against thinly-veiled accusations of hypocrisy, kisses him, and then denies his homosexuality. It looks we're gearing up for some serious political commentary, but then Cheney rips his shirt off and the reader's ability to perform higher thought processes suddenly fails them.
Can you believe there are no shirtless Cheney photos on the internet? Trust us. We looked.
After admiring how hard Cheney's pacemaker is, the VP drops his pants and the two get down to business.
Pro tip: Right before sex, remind your partner of George W. Bush.
Things get hazy after that, as the writer, no doubt fearing both a horde of angry protesters and the fragility of his own sanity, hides the hot and heavy stuff behind weed use, which the narrator claims frazzles his memory. But we do get Cheney calling his penis a Bunker Buster while joking that he found a WMD in the narrator's pants. Tragically, it doesn't take a great feat of imagination to take the next logical step and picture Dick Cheney getting sodomized.
Name the last time he looked like he wasn't. You can't.
But it's in the post-coital chat when the big twist comes: That hunting accident was no accident at all, but rather Cheney's attempt to shoot the dick off of his two-timing partner. The story ends with a heartbroken Cheney sobbing into the buckshot-riddled shirt of his hunting friend and lover, while the narrator sneaks out, promising to always remember "the burly, pink-thighed, sneering buffalo of love." With any luck, this story will inspire us to finally finish our own tale of VP erotica, Mano E Mondale.
Pounded By The Pound Is About Time Travel Sex With Sentient British Currency
It can be tough to process major historical events. You want to express yourself, but it's easy to feel insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Some people turn to art. Others write music. Chuck Tingle writes Pounded By The Pound: Turned Gay By The Socioeconomic Implications Of Britain Leaving The European Union.
Tingle is infamous for writing dinosaur-on-man sex that people of all political stripes can enjoy, but here he takes a firm stance against Britain's decision to leave the European Union. In Pounded, an everyday British man named Alex is taken one month into the future of Brexit by a giant sentient coin with an "incredible set of chiseled metallic abs" and a "thick golden rod," which is British for "thick golden penis."
Britain has become a blighted hellscape, like the beginning of 28 Days Later filtered through a laudanum fever dream. The Thames is running with lava, the Queen's Guard are now flying reptiles with guns, and every human has become a giant floating coin with arms and genitals, all because the pound's value dropped so low that "we had to make up for it by becoming coins ourselves." The pound intends to send Alex back to before the vote so he can warn his fellow Brits about the horrific consequences of a pro-Brexit decision. However, as you might imagine, the only way to travel back in time is to have passionate gay sex.
Not passionate enough for this guy, sadly.
This raises the question of how a society that became a Book of Revelations-style post-apocalyptic nightmare managed to develop time travel, and why they'd want to turn their backs on such remarkably rapid scientific progress. But we might be reading a bit too much into a story that contains the line "I want you to fuck me ... just like we've all fucked ourselves with this vote!"
There's a happy ending for all concerned, and then the story ends after Alex manages to convince Britain to vote to stay. Tingle got a happy ending, too, as the "success" of Pounded inspired him to write his next hit:
#1 in autobiography.
Ted Cruz Stars In A Sexy Version Of A Christmas Carol
If someone held a gun to our head and forced us to name one candidate from the Republican's 2016 batch of Presidential hopefuls to have sex with, Ted Cruz would show up pretty far down the list -- at least two or three names after "just go ahead and pull the trigger, life no longer holds any meaning." He lacks the "boy next door in your incredibly wealthy and conservative gated neighborhood" charm of Marco Rubio, but he's also nowhere near Chris Christie's "hunk of cheesesteak coalesced into a human face" look. Anyway, our point is that we definitely didn't masturbate to this story of Cruz's sex-filled Christmas misadventures, but we can tell you all about it in incredible detail anyway.
The effects look way better than in the Jim Carrey version.
In A Cruzmas Carol: Ted Cruz Takes A Dickens Of A Constitutional, inspired in equal parts by the work of Charles Dickens and America's collective nightmares, a jaded Senator Cruz is planning an early retirement from politics. While at his retirement party, we're told he's "scanning the room for pussy," and now we're never going to be able to watch him give a speech again without imagining him doing that.
It'd be less disturbing to imagine he's lapping up crumbs of the baby he had for breakfast.
He settles on one of his employees, whose vagina he imagines is "Like a colonial bonnet for a dick." After a makeout session goes awry, Cruz finds himself in the bathroom with the ghost of Karl Rove -- which, if we're being honest, immediately takes us out of the story, because Karl Rove is not dead. Rove warns Cruz that he'll be visited by three more ghosts.
The ghosts take Cruz on a sexy tour of the past, present, and future of both America and Cruz's life, but with significantly more double entendres than most renditions of the story. We see a young Cruz apparently get caught masturbating by his mom, only for the reveal to be that he was staying up after his bedtime to sneak a look at the Constitution. After seeing a nightmare vision of a Clinton dictatorship in which everyone worships Allah, Cruz is inspired to stay in politics and become president (this thing came out before the Iowa caucuses, when we were all young and naive). The story concludes with a reinvigorated Cruz making love to his aide atop a pile of Constitutions. That seems both disrespectful and risky, given the prospect of paper cuts, but if it were discovered that this actually happened, it would only be the sixth or seventh strangest thing that Cruz has done this election season.
"And screw it vigorously." Sequel, anyone?
Kim Davis Goes To Jail, Learns The Appeal Of Sapphic Love
We all know Kim Davis, the evil mirror universe's equivalent of your grumpy-but-benign aunt. She was the Kentucky county clerk who was willing to briefly go to jail rather than issue marriage licenses to gay couples. However, in Kim Goes To Jail, we get to explore a titillating scenario wherein certain events unfold and prompt Kim to reconsider her stance on homosexuality. Spoiler alert: It's lesbian sex.
This is a rather polite and restrained way to describe someone's attempt to molest you.
Everyone is out to get Kim in this story, and everyone is named like a porn character.
We're suddenly overcome with late-night Cinemax nostalgia.
Krystal is a prison guard who uses her baton in unregulated ways, but Kim is protected by her cellmate Chastity, who explains that those who don't pair off with a lover/guardian will be subject to the whims of roving shower orgies. Chastity, whose name might be an adept piece of literary sarcasm, masturbates in front of Kim, which she describes with phrases like "pinching her nipple till it was harder'n a deaf man tryin' to win a mule auction." An initially resistant Kim eventually falls for Chastity, describing her ass as "firm but soft at the same time, like your favorite throw pillow 'cept without the fringe." They then proceed to have a lot of sex.
"Licenses? What we're doing, we don't need licenses."
So Krystal was right -- Kim does indeed change in prison. She redefines her sexuality and reexamines her religious beliefs, all thanks to some folksily-described bonin'. The story ends with the still-faithful Kim using Bible quotes to endorse homosexuality instead of condemning it, making Kim Goes To Jail the most progressive story ever written about a women's prison where everyone is a tough, sex-obsessed lesbian with a stripper name.
There's A Shocking Amount Of Obama Porn Out There
We've told/warned you before about the fanfic in which Barack Obama, who is the president, has sex with and eats the feces of Princess Celestia, who is a cartoon pony. However, that was merely the tip of President Obama's cartoon-pony-fluid-stained penis. There are hundreds of Obama stories on fanfiction sites -- a surprising number of which feature the Gilmore Girls, and all of which make you wonder if someone living in a senior's home today wrote stories about FDR plowing Little Orphan Annie back in their youth.
Obama has sex with Hillary Clinton, Mitt Romney, Kim Jong-un, David Cameron, Vladimir Putin ...
A good excuse to show off our desktop wallpaper.
... various members of One Direction, various anime characters, and occasionally, his wife (aww). If the internet is to be believed, President Obama is an unstoppable sex juggernaut, and all his critics ranting about how he's going to destroy America are only correct if they're talking about America's ability to walk properly.
"Michelle's chilling in the Lincoln Bedroom with Zayn, so it's whatevs."
The latest trend involves Obama making sweet love to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Men from both countries fought and died for our right to write stories that include lines like "At first, Barack only ran his long fingers down Justin's scalp, but when Justin tightened his grip on the base of Barack's length, pumping, they tightened in his hair, pulling it into patterns."
Which is still less erotic than this photo.
In one story, Obama makes love to a hot dog. Like, an actual hot dog. Someone wrote sentences like "his tongue slipped out to flick against the dog, and he found himself crawling onto the desk as he held the hot dog desperately to his face." And now we are writing about it, and you're reading about it, and the gears of history grind away, and one day, not long from now, our distant ancestors will look back on this and wonder why we all spent our time with this instead of with our loved ones.
"Michelle! It ... it's not what it looks like!"
"'You're so wet,' he growled into the hot dog, and he knew he could take it no longer ... He managed to get his pants down just far enough and wet his fingers with delicious pickle relish before reaching behind him, gasping at the cold sensation at his most sensitive of places." Please vote in November, because you'll be helping to determine which public figure will get to put some food in their butt in the realm of erotic fiction.
Donald Trump Erotica Will Be Our Generation's Grim Legacy
Hard Books, a publishing house presumably named after how challenging and complex their work is, produced a series of short erotic works based on various presidential primary candidates. There's Ted Cruising, where Cruz goes ... riding for casual gay sex and ends up investigating a serial killer, The Light In Jeb's Eyes, which hasn't been seen since the first debate, and more. But let's be honest, you're all here to learn about Donald Trump erotica. That's OK. History will want to learn about it too, hopefully to make it the go-to example of the "those who don't learn are doomed to repeat" moral. Let's start with this hot number:
We feel sorry for everyone who bought this thinking it was an Uncle Scrooge adult manga.
In Donald, Billionaire In Sin, Trump is a "violinist who drew his bow across those strings but only played me," whose yuge dick is so awe-inspiring that our narrator decides to never have children because "The risk of loving anything more than Donald terrified me."
"Loving Donald fit like my favorite sweater" we're told, ruining sweaters for us. Donald gives our narrator everything she's ever asked for with uncharacteristic generosity, asking in return only that she "was fully nude and tied up like a roasted pig on the dining room table for when he came home." But their romance goes awry when she catches him "sucking face" with his male 16-year-old golf caddy. Hey, speaking of which ...
Above: the basis for Fifty Shades Of Grey 4 if the author doesn't crank out more books.
Yeah. Trump having scandalous affairs with young men is its own little subgenre of political erotica. Trump is described as "a giant melting fat carrot with fake hair" -- but, you know, the kind you'd want to fuck. "His voice wrapped around my body like queso around a smothered burrito" we're told, because everything we once loved will be ruined before we're done here today.
There's also Humpin' Trump, a three-part saga about an up-and-coming (in two senses) real estate agent who learns more than he bargained for when he approaches his idol for business advice. And there's Temptations By Trump -- The Billionaire & The Cocktail Waitress, although her waitressing attire is decidedly non-traditional.
You don't want to know what happens when he asks her for an old-fashioned.
But all of these sexy Trump stories were predated by For Love Alone, an erotic novel written by none other than Ivana Trump, Donald's first wife. It's essentially a fictionalized account of Ivana's life with Donald -- our narrator falls in love with a real estate developer, and soap opera drama ensues.
Except the book doesn't include a daughter whom the real estate guy immediately wants to screw.
Trump's lawyers even tried to shut down the book during their ugly divorce, because they didn't want her discussing the marriage. Disturbingly, this means that the scene where they go shopping for a mink coat and "Trump" has to buy it because he ejaculates on it during a sudden bout of lovemaking might have been based on the world's least erotic true story. That's the sort of shit you do after you become president, dude.
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