Unfortunately, at time of writing, this course is only offered in Florida and Serbia. Which frankly seems more than a bit counterintuitive, because any sane person would want to possess these skills before even thinking about traveling to Florida.
Look, the world can be a dangerous place. Sometimes you can talk your way out of a sticky situation using your vast skills in human interaction. Other times you can avoid a dangerous scenario altogether with good old situational awareness. But we all know you'll inevitably have to knife fight your way out of most problems. The fantastically-named Force Necessary's Knife Combat class exists to ensure you know how to shank a motherfucker properly.
You'll be building your skills in a course Force Necessary describes as "rugby with knives." After an introduction to the "Psychology of Knife Violence" -- which is the only Psychology course we've ever wanted to take -- the lessons follow a Karate Kid-style training regimen. First, you must practice solo knife maneuvers in the air, before progressing with a partner through realistic scenarios against a variety of threats, including sticks, knives, and holy shit, even guns.
"Knife vs. Running and Screaming" had to be removed after complaints to the Better Business Bureau.
The class literally spans the knife-fighting globe, covering "Russian Knife Fighting, South African and Rhodesian knife fighting, as well as Filipino knife fighting, American and European knife fighting" and, in case you thought we were joking with that shanking quip earlier, prison knife fighting. Don't worry, though -- the course wraps up by educating students on the "moral, ethical, and political issues" of knife play, presumably pondering the same stabbing quandaries that have had philosophers scratching their heads for centuries.
"To cut or not to cut, that is the question.
(The answer is always to cut.)"
And knives are just the beginning. Should you prove yourself truly action-movie-hero-caliber in Knife Combat, you may choose to proceed through the entire Scientific Fighting Congress -- a series of armed and unarmed self-defense courses that are arguably the most dangerous Congress this side of the one in D.C.
It's possible to follow Ryan on Twitter @papaskrobe, though he can't in good conscience recommend it.
Cracked is up for TWO Webby Awards, for Best Humor Site and Best Video Entertainment! While we're busy patting ourselves on the back, you can pat too by voting here and here.
For more ways to make money with minimal effort, check out 5 Jobs You Think Are For Losers (That Pay Six Figures) and 6 Badass Jobs That You're Probably Already Qualified to Do.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 6 Jobs It's Shockingly Fun To Watch People Be Awesome At, and other videos you won't see on the site!
Also, follow us on Facebook, and let us know how stunt biking goes.