5

Lyndon B. Johnson Missed A Doomed Flight Because He Really Needed to Pee

Arnold Newman/White House Press Office

Lyndon B. Johnson was one of America's most controversial presidents. On the one hand, he passed the Civil Rights Act of 1964, which made it a law that you can't deny someone's basic human rights simply because their skin is a shade darker than yours or because they don't have a penis. On the other hand, he's largely responsible for that whole Vietnam War thing. Regardless, for better or worse, American society would look different if Johnson had, for example, died back in World War II. Which is exactly what almost happened.

On June 9, 1942, as a young man in the Naval reserve, Johnson was part of a bombing mission that was supposed to attack a Japanese air base in New Guinea. Johnson was assigned to a plane called the Wabash Cannonball, which is appropriate, because it sounds like a nickname Johnson would give a bullying maneuver he would later subject lowly Secret Services agents to.

303rd Bomb Group
Why they chose Goofy as their mascot is almost as baffling as why Johnson was so enamored with his old man dick.

4

Keith Richards' Shoes Saved His Life

Getty Images Latam/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

3

Pablo Picasso Was Stillborn Until A Shitty Uncle Breathed A Cigar Into His Face

George Stroud/Hulton Archive/Getty Images

Pablo Picasso is easily the most famous painter to have never given his name to a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Despite missing out on that particular honor, Picasso still left a pretty good legacy, including being the founder of cubism and being the only person in recorded history with whom Kanye West considers himself on equal footing. But the world very nearly missed out on that legacy before the ink had dried on his birth certificate. (Though to be fair, Picasso's full name was 23 words long, so that might have taken some time).

When little Pablo was born in Spain in 1881, the nurses declared him dead on arrival. The baby wasn't crying and didn't even seem to be breathing, so the distraught mother was given the tough news that he was stillborn. Modern medicine was still in its infancy and CPR didn't exist yet, so there wasn't really anything that the doctors could do except shrug and tell Pablo's mother to try again in nine months.

Via Wiki Commons
Or work really hard on convincing his sister that drawing people that look like people is the worst idea.

Ironically, the very fact that hospitals were tragically incompetent back in those days is exactly what saved Picasso's life. According to the artist himself, as recounted by Norman Mailer, baby Pablo's uncle was present at the birth, and was puffing away on a cigar right there in the delivery room. As he leaned over the seemingly dead child, he breathed a cloud of smoke right into the baby's face, presumably figuring, "This baby is already dead, so a little cigar smoke directly into his face isn't going to hurt anything." Picasso immediately started coughing, and one of the greatest artists of the 20th century was granted a second chance at life.

R.J. Reynolds
"TOLD YOU SO, FDA!"

2

Composer George Handel Was Saved By A Button On His Jacket

Philip Mercier

Handel was one of the most important composers of all time, right up there with the three B's (Beethoven, Bach, and the Barenaked Ladies). He wrote nearly 50 operas in his lifetime, and his "Messiah" oratorio has been performed and recorded by everyone from Mozart to Leonard Bernstein. But we would have lost one of the greatest musicians of all time had he not insisted on wearing a fabulous jacket.

Edouard Jean Conrad Hamman
Not that he didn't do that every day of his life, but still.

Handel was friends with fellow conductor and composer Johann Mattheson. On December 5, 1704, Handel attended Mattheson's opera, Cleopatra, and stood in for Mattheson as the conductor of the orchestra, because Mattheson himself was busy playing the role of Marc Antony on stage. It was sort of how like Woody Allen makes himself the main character in half of his movies.

After Antony's death scene, Mattheson returned to the orchestra pit to resume his role as conductor, only to find a Handel-sized ass still occupying his seat. Apparently, Handel had gotten a little too into his role, and he refused to budge. As was the custom of the time, Mattheson decided that the only way this disagreement could be resolved was through the gallant exercise of murder. So after the opera had ended, Mattheson approached Handel and gave him a brisk but firm slap across the face, which was the universally-accepted starting pistol for a fight to the death. Both composers immediately unsheathed their swords (because this was Europe in the 1700s and sawed-off shotguns hadn't been invented yet).

Arthur A. Dixon
"Shall my hand be forced to cut a bitch?"

1

An Assassin Misses His Chance To Kill Hitler Because He Suddenly Needed To Poop

Keystone/Hulton Archive/Getty Images

Even given the history of human atrocity and the climate of the current election, Adolf Hitler is still really the only person who can be fairly compared to Adolf Hitler. It's well-known that he dodged a few assassination attempts in his life, but what's less known is that Hitler was almost wiped out years before World War II ever began. The world could have been spared the Holocaust, had it not been for one man's ill-timed need to take a furious dump.

Hulton Archive/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Shit.

According to researchers James Duffy and Vincent Ricci, in 1929 -- four years before Hitler became the leader of Germany -- he was due to speak at a Berlin arena, where an unknown assassin planned to make his last stand against the future dictator before he could become the mass-murdering psychopath we all love to name-drop in heated Internet arguments. Rigging up a bomb under the podium, the assassin lay in wait for his victim to approach, but was suddenly taken with the unavoidable need to visit the bathroom.

Given that Hitler was never someone known for short, concise speeches, the assassin figured he had more than enough time to relieve himself and still make it back in time to destroy history's greatest monster. Unfortunately, once he was done pooping, the assassin discovered to his horror that he'd been locked in the bathroom.

Keystone/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
The worst part was that he could still hear him fucking talking.

Unable to free himself, the assassin wound up trapped in the john for the entire duration of the speech, emerging only after Hitler had finished speaking and was safely out of the public arena that had left him momentarily vulnerable to shitting hitmen. And so, this little-known failed attempt joined numerous other future failed attempts in proving the fact that, ultimately, the only person capable of vanquishing Hitler was Hitler.

What do Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson in Taken, and the Dos Equis guy have in common? They're all losers compared to some of the actual badasses from history whom you know nothing about. Come out to the UCB Sunset for another LIVE podcast, April 9th at 7:00 p.m., where Jack O'Brien, Michael Swaim, and more will get together for an epic competition to find out who was the most hardcore tough guy or tough gal unfairly relegated to the footnotes of history. Get your tickets here!

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