As the two men fought, Mattheson saw his chance to deliver a killing blow, and thrust his sword at Handel's heart -- only to strike a button on Handel's fancy coat and snap his sword in half. The awkward silence that surely followed must have been the longest in the history of civilized assault. Understandably, neither composer felt the need to continue their duel, because both men appreciated the value of physical comedy. They remained friends for the rest of their lives, presumably because Handel didn't want to get murdered and Mattheson thought Handel was an indestructible cyborg.
An Assassin Misses His Chance To Kill Hitler Because He Suddenly Needed To Poop
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Even given the history of human atrocity and the climate of the current election, Adolf Hitler is still really the only person who can be fairly compared to Adolf Hitler. It's well-known that he dodged a few assassination attempts in his life, but what's less known is that Hitler was almost wiped out years before World War II ever began. The world could have been spared the Holocaust, had it not been for one man's ill-timed need to take a furious dump.
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According to researchers James Duffy and Vincent Ricci, in 1929 -- four years before Hitler became the leader of Germany -- he was due to speak at a Berlin arena, where an unknown assassin planned to make his last stand against the future dictator before he could become the mass-murdering psychopath we all love to name-drop in heated Internet arguments. Rigging up a bomb under the podium, the assassin lay in wait for his victim to approach, but was suddenly taken with the unavoidable need to visit the bathroom.
Given that Hitler was never someone known for short, concise speeches, the assassin figured he had more than enough time to relieve himself and still make it back in time to destroy history's greatest monster. Unfortunately, once he was done pooping, the assassin discovered to his horror that he'd been locked in the bathroom.
Keystone/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
The worst part was that he could still hear him fucking talking.
Unable to free himself, the assassin wound up trapped in the john for the entire duration of the speech, emerging only after Hitler had finished speaking and was safely out of the public arena that had left him momentarily vulnerable to shitting hitmen. And so, this little-known failed attempt joined numerous other future failed attempts in proving the fact that, ultimately, the only person capable of vanquishing Hitler was Hitler.
What do Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson in Taken, and the Dos Equis guy have in common? They're all losers compared to some of the actual badasses from history whom you know nothing about. Come out to the UCB Sunset for another LIVE podcast, April 9th at 7:00 p.m., where Jack O'Brien, Michael Swaim, and more will get together for an epic competition to find out who was the most hardcore tough guy or tough gal unfairly relegated to the footnotes of history. Get your tickets here!
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