When you become president, something in your brain snaps. You're a normal person for a while, and then, as soon as you take your oath on Inauguration Day, the part of your brain that normally makes sure you don't get too weird with sex collapses in on itself, and a new game begins. The rules are different.
And I'm not just talking about infidelity (of which at least Jefferson, Harding, FDR, JFK, LBJ and Clinton were all guilty), and I'm not just talking about regularly having sex outside (of which John Quincy "Without a Doubt Our Ugliest President" Adams was guilty). I'm talking about the weird stuff. The weird stuff.
4Lyndon Johnson: Accidental Pimp
Until the people who run the Lyndon B. Johnson National Historical Park respect my many petitions and allow me to dig up LBJ's corpse, we'll never know officially how big his dick was, so we'll just have to take his word for it. Johnson's word was that his dick was huge. Always jealous of the attention that Kennedy got for his sexual escapades, Johnson was never shy about waving his wiener around and telling anyone who would listen that he "had more women by accident than Kennedy had on purpose."
Keystone-France / Getty
We have it on good authority that this was his O-face.
I've lived a fairly exciting life (I once saw a dog that thought he was people!), but I've never accidentally had sex with anyone. I don't even know how I could, and Johnson managed to do it a whole bunch and still found time to be president.
He used his giant presidential wiener for the things you'd assume he'd use it (peeing, indiscriminate and accidental sex), but also some surprising things as well. According to biographer Robert Dallek, at one point during his presidency, Johnson met with a reporter who repeatedly asked him why American troops were in Vietnam. Frustrated, Johnson unzipped his pants, pulled out his "substantial organ" and shouted "This is why!" The craziest part of this story, which itself is nothing but pure, poop-eating crazy, is that it worked. That answer satisfied the reporter, like "Oh, yeah, when you put it that way, sure. Of course we're in Vietnam -- look at that dick. We should be in all countries. I'd be starting a war on space if I had a dick like yours. Come on, now."
Interim Archives / Getty
"You men are the lube that protects me from friction burns."
I don't have any more functioning segues, but I have more ridiculous dong stories, so I'm just going to gracelessly move from one to another. Johnson was so sure of his genitaliac superiority that he would invite other world leaders to the White House pool to go skinny dipping before they started diplomatic relations. This was an attempt to "establish genital dominance." He wanted every other leader he was dealing with to know that he was the man in charge. LBJ was the alpha, proudly wielding his dick with the focus and precision of a surgeon.
Also, Johnson called his penis Jumbo, which means that sex journalists like me get to write sentences like "Johnson's jumbo johnson was 'Jumbo,'" which is a real treat for me.
3Ulysses S. Grant Is Proudly Not Naked
As badass as he was, President Grant was kind of a prude when it came to public nudity (as we've mentioned in the past). Even though he expected his men to fight and die for him, he refused to shower in front of them. He was the only man who would take his morning showers in the privacy of his tent, because ... we don't know. Grant didn't want any of his men to see him naked. All the other soldiers would shower outside together, bonding, swapping stories about how shitty war is while desperately trying to avoid accidentally looking at each other's butts, and Grant would just hide in his tent, hellbent on making sure that no one saw his (just assuming here) hilariously stupid-looking penis.
Buyenlarge / Getty
It's a fertile subject for historic speculation.
You might think that Grant was hiding his genitals because he wanted to create distance between himself and his men. It's not unreasonable to assume that he kept himself separate so he could always hold himself up as an authority figure. He's not just one of the guys; he's the boss.
But you'd be wrong. It wasn't just his fellow men that Grant hid his genitals from; it was everyone. Late into his 60s, he bragged that no one had seen him naked since he was child, not even the nurses and aides who were assigned to help him in the war. First of all, why would you brag about that? You're trying to win the "Let No One See Me Naked" game that nobody else is playing. Second of all, how? Grant had a wife with whom he had a child, so we have to assume that she was kind of aware of what he looked like naked, right? Because if she didn't ... what? What?
Hulton Archive / Getty
This photo is the closest they ever came to a blowjob.
Between Johnson's accidental sex and Grant's nudity-free sex, I'm really opening up some pretty terrifying and confusing doors in the future of my sexual career.