The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time
As we all prepare to spend a long weekend enjoying Presidential Savings on mattresses and used Toyotas, we could take time to thank some of the presidents who passed bills that protect some of the freedoms your enjoy daily. Or we could spend the day celebrating the presidents who are decidedly more Action Movie Heroes than diplomats.
Anyway, guess which kind of president this website decided to focus on?
#5.
Andrew Jackson
When the 1828 election rolled around, a lot of people were terrified when they heard Andrew "Old Hickory" Jackson was running. If you're wondering how a guy we're calling a bad ass got such a lame nickname, it's because he used to carry a hickory cane around and beat people senseless with it, and if you're wondering why he did that, it's because he was a fucking lunatic.
Former Democratic Senator and Secretary of the Treasurey Albert Gallatin feared a Jackson presidency because of his "habitual disregard of laws and constitutional provisions." Or in other words, the man was a loose canon--17th Century Washigton's answer to Martin Riggs. Sure, he probably didn't have an irate black lieutenant to answer to, or a weary partner who was too old for this shit, but he most certainly had a death wish.
How do we know? Well, despite everyone's best efforts, Jackson was elected to the top office, and when he wasn't busy shaping the Presidency as we know it today, you could find him out back dueling. In case you haven't been to the 18th century lately, this unmanly sounding activity actually involves standing across from an armed man and shooting at him while he in turn shoots at you. The number of duels that Jackson took part in varies depending on what source you consult; some say 13, while others rank the number somewhere in the 100's, both of which are entirely too many times for a reasonable human being to stand in front of someone who is trying to kill them with a loaded gun.
On one occasion, he challenged a man named Charles Dickinson to a duel, (the reason behind it wasn't important, not to us and certainly not to Jackson), and Jackson was even kind enough to give Dickinson the first shot. We're gonna go ahead and repeat that: In a duel with pistols, Jackson politely volunteers to be shot at first. Dickinson happily obliged and shot Jackson, who proceeded to shake it off like it was a bee sting. When Jackson returned the favor, Dickinson was not so lucky, and that's why his face isn't on the twenty. The bullet, by the by, remained in Jackson's body for 19 years because, we assume, Jackson knew that time spent removing the bullets would just fall under the general category of "time not dueling," Jackson's least favorite category.
Andrew Jackson may have been the first master of Gun Kata
Greatest Display of Badassedry:
Andrew Jackson was the first president on whom an assassination attempt was made. A man named Richard Lawrence approached Jackson with two pistols both of which, for some reason, misfired. With the possibility of an assassination taken off the table, Jackson proceeded to beat Lawrence near death with his cane until Jackson's aides pulled him off the assassin.
The guns were inspected afterward and it was discovered that they were in perfect working order, leading some historians to believe that it was an odds-defying "miracle" that Jackson survived, while we're pretty sure that the bullets, like everyone else, were simply scared of Jackson.
Most Badass Quote:
"I have only two regrets: I didn't shoot Henry Clay and I didn't hang John C. Calhoun."
That's right. In a life rich with murdering people for little-to-no reason, Jackson's only regret was that he didn't kill quite enough people. People like Calhoun who, it should be noted, was Jackson's vice president.
But King George III didn't win the war, so f**k him.
ReplyThats the best retort to any situation ive ever heard.
Teddy has in own chapter in the alphabet of manliness the special edition (written by Maddox and if you dont know who he is, kill yourself.)
ReplyYou cant top Theodore's badassery unless you combine Teddy with Jesus.
We haven't had a true president since Eisenhower.
ReplyBeing president of the US doesn't mean much anymore, especially with Congress being full of idiots and all of these lobbyists with their fingers in the government's pie.
"And how do yo kill a Teddy Roosevelt that's already dead!?!"
ReplyTrick question. Teddy Roosevelt never actually died, he just beat death to death and put it in his coffin.
Knew about Kennedy's thing from Colbert.
Replyi dont get why people dont make teddy roosevelt jokes instead of chuck norris ones.
ReplyThat's because Chuck Norris is more known outside of America than Roosevelt.
Chuck Norris ruled the country under the name of Teddy Roosevelt
They didn't mention that Theodore chose Taft as Vice President because of his weight. The guy was interested in Sumo Wrestling and he used Taft to practice his moves. People would literally walk in on them wrestling in the WHITE HOUSE if that's not badass I don't know what is.
ReplyTheodore (he HATED the nickname "Teddy" and would punch you for using it) Roosevelt didn't even take s**t from billionaires and huge corporations. Thanks to his family being independently wealthy and his enormous popularity with the common voter (thanks to many of the actions described in the article), Roosevelt was able to call shenanigans on the business climate of America and start "Trust-Busting" a.k.a. beating the asses of monopolies and corrupt big-business. While most of the monopolies didn't disintegrate until Taft's presidency immediately after Roosevelt, it was T.R. who got the dominoes falling.
ReplyTeddy Roosevelt was the original Chuck Norris.
ReplyTheodore Roosevelt is right behind you...
Teddy Roosevelt is also known for yelling "THIS IS SPARTA" as he placed his foot in your ribcage
Replyi can just see Teddy Roosevelt Layething the Smackdown on Deaths Candy Arse when he tried to take him, but the answer to "how do you kill a Teddy Roosevelt that's already dead!?!" is just 2 sweet words, "Boom" and "Stick"
ReplyYou apparently don't know who Teddy Roosevelt is. A boomstick wouldn't work dumbass. Get off this article.
I'm ok with all those up there besides Andrew Jackson. The guy was a tool and i'd kill him myself if he were alive today. He was a racist, a slaughterer of Native Americans, and his economic policies can still be felt today as our economy crumbles. The guy deserves eternal torture.
Reply Hide All See All 7 Replies...but then again many Presidents were racist so I won't hold THAT against him as some sort of lack of badassery. He was a tool though.
I agree. f**k Jackson.
Nothing about being a badass says you have to be a good person.
Yes, he was racist. Many were, and still are. Yes, he cruelly forced the cherokees to walk the trail of tears, killing many (most) of them. Yes he closed down the national bank and caused an economic crisis. But I guarantee you that many of the people back then would have done many of the same things. People hated the Cherokees, for no good reason. Many Americans saw the trail of tears as just. It was evil, but you cannot simply blame a man for the conditions of his time. His family was MURDERED by cherokees when he was a little boy. He had to watch his brother die, and then his mother die of sickness contracted when she traveled to free them. If a group of people did that to you, wouldn't you hate them with a passion? I am not excusing his actions, but you need to look at the circumstances before you tear a man down.
I gave you a thumbs up and a thumbs down.
Thumbs up--he was a racist bigot and yes, a tyrant over the actual natives of this country.
Thumbs down--the banks are scamming us. You don't believe that the Federal Reserve Bank is scamming us because other people tell you that they aren't. Do your own homework. Our dollar is crumbling and it's not Jackson's fault. Goldman and the Treasury are BFFs.
Jackson's policies actually pretty damn good., everyone back then was a racist, he'd kill you like a small child if you even looked at him funny. You're probably a doughy fat ass who lives with his mother, you have no capability to kill anyone. You have no clue what your talking about with the economy, you're most likely a high school student and have no opinion at all in anything. Kindly don't comment until you stop being a dumbass.
I actually find myself agreeing. While he was still a bit of a badass, he was still a dick badass while everyone else here were lovable badasses.
Not only did Jackson order the Trail of Tears but he did so after Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Marshall told him not to and Jackson told Marshall to go f**k himself. In addition to that, he dismantled the National Bank and then left the country into economic discord as he left the Oval Office with no intention of fixing it and every intention of leaving van Buren to clean up his mess.
He was fairly badass but he was still a douchebag.
why isnt jackson at #1? trail of tears was the most badass s**t ever
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesHeh, goll the troll.
Jackson shrugging off a bullet and beating people with a stick is badass. Needlessly killing Native Americans is just being a dick.
You can say whatever you want about the poor defenseless native americans, but since the dawn of man people have been taking other people's land. It happens all the time, all over the world. Just because white people came out on top doesn't make it inherently wrong. So you can cry for the native americans, but in reality i didn't see anything on any of the other 4 presidents that came close to jackson.
Hi Goll. You do realize that many Natives run casinos, which stupid white people gladly give their money.
The Trail of Tears was not something to be proud of. A dick move of astronomical proportions.
I'm pretty sure goll was being sarcastic.Though he might actually have been being stupid...it is a rather fine line between being witty and being a dumb***.
Though beating people with a hickory stick is just plain awesome.Did you know that the dude who helped Jackson deal with his would-be assassin was a longtime rival of his?Forgot where I heard that,but is arguably as badass as everything else in the article.
Dunno why but I read the Iroquois name as "Canunotcareius" xD
ReplyThe Apache Nation had a constitution, an elected government and a laws. They also had land Europeans wanted. Believing in the rule of law the Apache's took their defense to the US Supreme and won. When Jackson was told of their legal victory he is reported to have asked, "How large an army does the Chief Justice have?". He ordered the army to relocate the Indians to Oklahoma, a trip that has become known as "the trail of tears" because of the very high casualty rates.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesJackson was bad and he was an ass but I'll pass on the badass part.
Wait that doesn't sound right. Apache were Indians in the SouthWest, and the Indians there that got the respect of the Europeans were the Pueblos, you're thinking of the Cherokee, Apache's weren't ever in the East. You could argue the Seminoles and Little Turtle were bad ass, considering they were some of the few Indian tribes who fought so hard they kicked the USA's ass.
Yeah it was Cherokee. And it was "John Marshall has made his decision. Now lets see him enforce it"
not doing it to sound smart or anything. I just think the real version shows how much of an a*****e he really is.
No, the state of Georgia wanted to remove the Cherokees, who had their own seperate country within Georgia. (Similar to the Vatican) They took the case to the Supreme Court, who ruled that Georgia had no authority over them. The national government, however, did.
Isn't there another article on THIS SAME WEBSITE debunking the whole "Washington was a great general" thing? In fact, I'm pretty sure that he was the same Washington who got lost on his way to a battle and ended up slaughtering a friendly battalion in the woods.
ReplyDifferent writer, different point of view. And that happened during the French and Indian/Seven Years' War.
i want to c*m all over ur tits
ReplyWTF?
WTF indeed.
I just clicked on this to make sure TDR was still 1st. All is well.
ReplyGood old days when presidents were horny, didn't take s**t from anyone, and could run a country all at once.
ReplyWashington lost many more battles than he won; the war wasn't won by his mediocre generalship.
ReplyIt took the entire Valley Forge winter at least (possibly a couple more years) for him to "get" that they had their greatest advantage over the redcoats in being an entire ocean away from the British Isles: While it took months for British ships to travel to and fro carrying dispatches and troops, he and his other generals could raise armies from among the disaffected locals on a much more immediate basis.
Any war of attrition would naturally favour the rebels, rather than the empire.
You're stupid.
@Rabbit- Patticus is right.
Washington had many troubles, only started winning battles when the French got on our side.
Not saying Washington was not a badass, Not that he didn't win battles early in the war, just that the colonies needed some help and the French stepped in, led by a guy named Lafayette.
Read about him. Interesting information.