The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time
As we all prepare to spend a long weekend enjoying Presidential Savings on mattresses and used Toyotas, we could take time to thank some of the presidents who passed bills that protect some of the freedoms your enjoy daily. Or we could spend the day celebrating the presidents who are decidedly more Action Movie Heroes than diplomats.
Anyway, guess which kind of president this website decided to focus on?
#5.
Andrew Jackson
When the 1828 election rolled around, a lot of people were terrified when they heard Andrew "Old Hickory" Jackson was running. If you're wondering how a guy we're calling a bad ass got such a lame nickname, it's because he used to carry a hickory cane around and beat people senseless with it, and if you're wondering why he did that, it's because he was a fucking lunatic.
Former Democratic Senator and Secretary of the Treasurey Albert Gallatin feared a Jackson presidency because of his "habitual disregard of laws and constitutional provisions." Or in other words, the man was a loose canon--17th Century Washigton's answer to Martin Riggs. Sure, he probably didn't have an irate black lieutenant to answer to, or a weary partner who was too old for this shit, but he most certainly had a death wish.
How do we know? Well, despite everyone's best efforts, Jackson was elected to the top office, and when he wasn't busy shaping the Presidency as we know it today, you could find him out back dueling. In case you haven't been to the 18th century lately, this unmanly sounding activity actually involves standing across from an armed man and shooting at him while he in turn shoots at you. The number of duels that Jackson took part in varies depending on what source you consult; some say 13, while others rank the number somewhere in the 100's, both of which are entirely too many times for a reasonable human being to stand in front of someone who is trying to kill them with a loaded gun.
On one occasion, he challenged a man named Charles Dickinson to a duel, (the reason behind it wasn't important, not to us and certainly not to Jackson), and Jackson was even kind enough to give Dickinson the first shot. We're gonna go ahead and repeat that: In a duel with pistols, Jackson politely volunteers to be shot at first. Dickinson happily obliged and shot Jackson, who proceeded to shake it off like it was a bee sting. When Jackson returned the favor, Dickinson was not so lucky, and that's why his face isn't on the twenty. The bullet, by the by, remained in Jackson's body for 19 years because, we assume, Jackson knew that time spent removing the bullets would just fall under the general category of "time not dueling," Jackson's least favorite category.
Andrew Jackson may have been the first master of Gun Kata
Greatest Display of Badassedry:
Andrew Jackson was the first president on whom an assassination attempt was made. A man named Richard Lawrence approached Jackson with two pistols both of which, for some reason, misfired. With the possibility of an assassination taken off the table, Jackson proceeded to beat Lawrence near death with his cane until Jackson's aides pulled him off the assassin.
The guns were inspected afterward and it was discovered that they were in perfect working order, leading some historians to believe that it was an odds-defying "miracle" that Jackson survived, while we're pretty sure that the bullets, like everyone else, were simply scared of Jackson.
Most Badass Quote:
"I have only two regrets: I didn't shoot Henry Clay and I didn't hang John C. Calhoun."
That's right. In a life rich with murdering people for little-to-no reason, Jackson's only regret was that he didn't kill quite enough people. People like Calhoun who, it should be noted, was Jackson's vice president.
Roosevelt won the Congressional Medal of Honor for the Battle of San Juan Hill. He also met Bigfoot.
ReplyRoosevelt received letters from army cavalrymen complaining about having to ride 25 miles a day for training and, in response, Teddy rode horseback for 100 miles, from sunrise to sunset, at 51 years old, effectively rescinding anyone's right to complain about anything, ever again.
ReplyThat, ladies and gentlemen, is my personal favorite Cracked sentence ever.
I think Daniel Inouye should get an honourable mention here - he's not an actual president, although he is 3rd in line to succession of presidency - The man assaulted a german machine gun post, got shot in the stomach, kept going and took out two turrets, had his arm blown off while attempting to toss a grenade into the third one, prised the live grenade out of his now-dead hand and threw it into the German position with his remaining arm, then finally got shot in the leg and fell unconscious. Upon waking to the concerned faces of his men, he told them to get back to f*****g work because "noone had called off the war". Badass.
ReplyJust bought a book about TR's retirement of killing elephants and rhinos in Africa. It was so badass that it grew legs and disappeared into the jungle of my closet. Occasionally, socks and shirts will appear, looking like they got the s**t beat out of them, and offer themselves in service to me instead of staying in the closet the Book.
ReplyLOL The Iroquois Indians called George Washington "Town Destroyer" because he commited genocide burning more than 40 Iroquois villages. But you don't learn about that in your piece-of-shit history books.
Reply Hide All See All 5 Repliess**t happens
Tell that to the Iroquois.
Survival of the fittest....
s**t happens when you're 2,000 years behind the technology of your main opponent. That's just Darwinism.
We would but GW killed them all.
I wonder if we'll get any of those obnoxious there-are-too-many-Americans-on-the-list complaints for this article.
ReplyOkay... so theodore is like the chuck norris of the past
ReplyActually, it's more like Chuck Norris is the Theodore Roosevelt of the future....If Theodore Roosevelt agree to be a tv pretty boy. But to be honest, he'd probably just violence the hell out of anyone who suggested it.
I'd rather have the remains of TR in the Oval Office, than the two-legged vagina we have there now.
Reply"Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake, there would have been a fight."
ReplyI don't know if you can really call that a "fight." It'd probably have been more like swatting a fly for Roosevelt.
FDR's my hero as far as presidents go. I think he shoulda been on there... A great list nonetheless...
Replyu cant help but wonder if some of TR's manliness seeped to FDR though.
It must be the name Roosevelt. I'm officially naming my children Roosevelt. All of them.
The bullet, by the by, remained in Jackson's body for 19 years because, we assume, Jackson knew that time spent removing the bullets would just fall under the general category of "time not dueling," Jackson's least favorite category.
Replyline still cracks me up every time i read it
I think there was a fight. Teddy may not have fought death, but I'm pretty sure his mustache not only put up a fight, but actually beat Death, and took over the position so a better job could be done. The Spanish Flu happened about this time... Mmmm >>
ReplyTeddy Roosevelt is my hero.
ReplyI'll believe that Roosevelt hated violence if it caused him to kill me from the grave. Con: Shit, I died. Pro: I have given America back Roosevelt, and this time he is immortal. Happy end for 'murrika.
ReplySarah Palin would make a better President than Joe Biden(Who btw is actually retarded)...just sayin.
ReplyCool story bro. But this is the wrong place.
Wow they really took away from the Dickinson story. If I'm correct, Dickinson had been running around with his woman and didn't believe Andrew Jackson had the balls to challenge him to a duel because Dickinson was supposedly THE best shot in the state. But Andrew Jackson said f**k that and challenged him except he didn't shoot his gun until after Dickinson had shot (knowing that he couldn't compete in a fair fight and that Dickinson would shoot as fast as he could, assuming that Jackson would too). Dickinson's bullet hit Jackson in the shoulder and then Jackson took his sweet time lining the gun right up to Dickinson's face and killed him.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAwesome revision. Thanks for the extra bit of the story, even better than the article.
Aaaactually, Dickenson's bullet hit Jackson square in the chest. If fact, it hit less than an inch away from his heart, which is why the bullet was never removed (the operation would've killed him) and also why he would sporadically cough up blood from time to time. After taking the bullet and barely flinching, Ol' Hickory raised his pistol, presumably cracked a smile, and shot Dickenson right in the m***********g throat, killing him on the spot.
Actually, didn't Dickinson raise the bullet as a sign of surrender and Jackson shot him anyway, effectively murdering him?
No because he shot Jackson first. You can't "surrender" after that.
Teddy Roosevelt didn't die. He killed the grim reaper with his bare hands and became death itself.
Replyyou know andrew jackson was the guy who was responsible for that whole trail of tears thing right? he was kind of an a*****e who broke the constitution repeatedly.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesYeah hard to stick up for a genocidal psychopath realy.
at the time, the American view on the natives was basically the same as our current view on al-quada
he just did wut most people wanted at the time.
and besides, u mistake the issue. the question isnt whether or not he's a good person or not, it's whether or not he's a badass
Thank you! Yes, he was an asshole. And most people did not view the Native Americans in the way we view Al-Quada today (in response to AllenHuang). Though they were view as less important than that of white property owners, they still played a role in the economic and social aspects of society. Andrew Jackson did what he did because of his hatred for Native Americans and his own personal gain (meaning the land in Georgia).
*cough cough* lies **cough** but van Buren could have done something about it
Scientists have theorized that Teddy Roosevelt's power came from his mustache and that was what gave him his power. Others de-bunk that by saying that on a lesser man Teddy Roosevelt's mustache would be a source of power but TR was just that awesome by himself.
ReplyI need to tell everyone to call me "Old Hickory".
Reply