6 Presidential Secrets Your History Teacher Didn't Mention
We're pretty sure that 99 percent of a politician's success lies in his or her ability to hide his or her true personality from the public. We all have personal failures and weaknesses, but a president will work so hard at crafting a specific public persona that we're shocked every time one gets caught getting blown by an intern.
With that in mind, here are some of the stranger facts about American presidents that almost never get mentioned in history class.
Lyndon Johnson took over as president after the assassination of John F. Kennedy, and today most people know him as the president who made Vietnam happen (he being the one who really escalated the conflict). He wasn't terribly popular and had his share of scandals.
That drink in his hand is pretty much straight Everclear.
But at the time, he did have a reputation for getting things done. When he wanted something passed, he'd badger the shit out of everybody to get it, so much so that people came to call his relentless lobbying "the Johnson Treatment." We bring that up because after reading this, you're going to picture something else entirely anytime someone threatens you with "the Johnson Treatment." Something much worse.
But you didn't know ...Johnson was a sexual beast, and also fond of (literally) waving his dick around.
"Ford's economics are the worst thing that's happened to this country since pantyhose ruined finger-fucking."
While other unfaithful presidents were satisfied with little affairs here and there, Johnson's bevy of babes was referred to by his male aides as a harem (he was said to be jealous of Kennedy's womanizing ways and wanted to top him). Johnson would make passes at secretaries, and it was known that any who accepted would be promoted to private secretary, two words that in this context should probably have air quotes around them anytime they are uttered. By the time he was done, virtually all of his secretaries, plus his two mistresses, got the Johnson Treatment.
He then tasked the Secret Service with keeping his philandering from his wife, but it obviously did not do a good job at that. His wife had full knowledge of everything and sometimes even supported it. At parties, he would make obvious passes at girls right in front of his wife. One of the girls who stayed over at his place got awakened in the middle of the night by Johnson holding a flashlight and saying, "Move over. This is your president."
Which goes down in history as the second-greatest pickup line ever, losing just barely to, "Hello, I'm an astronaut."
As for waving around his cock (a little extension of him that he had affectionately nicknamed "Jumbo"), he was said to piss in public whenever he felt like it, and if anyone dared confront him, he would whip his dick around and challenge the poor sap with, "Have you seen anything bigger than this?"
No wonder his wife was cool with it.
She wasn't down with the mullet, though.
Ulysses S. Grant was the epitome of American badassery, a hard-drinking bastard who before taking office had been responsible for over half of the Union victories in the Civil War. Less well known is that before that, Grant also demonstrated extreme heavy ballness in the Mexican-American War when he voluntarily rode his horse down a sniper-filled street just for the hell of it. Then he calmly smoked cigars while everyone was scared shitless and being bombarded by artillery shells.
That plume of smoke in the middle is Grant.
But you didn't know ...
Ulysses S. Grant was a big softie.
For one thing, despite all his military excellence and awesome battlefield experience, he freaked out at the sight of blood -- even rare steaks would creep him out.
On the left, something that freaked U.S. Grant the fuck out. On the right, his day job.
He was so shy that he wouldn't change or shower in front of his men. And if you're thinking that you don't particularly like showing your naked junk to other dudes either, remember that they were at war. Officers bathed by stripping and having their men pour water on them. It was the same for everybody -- there is no privacy in a huge camp with thousands of men. Everybody except for Grant, who hid in his tent.
In his defense, most of his men were incredibly gross
Speaking of hiding, Grant did the same thing at his daughter's wedding, even though the situation obviously did not require him to be naked. While everybody was out celebrating , Grant had a sudden onslaught of the wedding jitters and holed himself up in his room while crying hysterically.
Seriously, if the man didn't have shells exploding around him, he fell apart.
Above: less stressful than the average wedding.
Some of us know Gerald Ford only as the clownish, doofus president that Chevy Chase mocked in old-school Saturday Night Live episodes. Before that he was known for being was the first president in U.S. history who got the job by doing absolutely nothing, having been appointed vice president because of one scandal, and then appointed president due to another. He made the controversial decision to pardon Richard Nixon, and he generally lives in history as a goofball who stumbled through a short, accidental presidency.
But you didn't know ...
Gerald Ford was Derek Zoolander.
That's pretty much "Blue Steel," right there.
Before he got into politics, he was a male model and even owned a modeling agency.
He wasn't just small-time, either. Here he is on the cover of Cosmopolitan:
Seriously. That's not a fake cover.
When Ford was in his 20s, he was modeling part-time for an agency owned by one John Robert Powers, who went on to become serious shit. During Ford's time there, he became roomies with one Harry Conover, who also was a model. Conover wanted to start his own modeling agency, but lacked the money. So Ford chipped in $1,000 and became a silent partner of the new Harry Conover Agency.
A decade later, Ford would marry a John Robert Powers model named Elizabeth Bloomer Warren, whom you may now know as Betty Ford. Or rather, you know the name of the addiction clinic she founded where countless models have wound up.
The Fords were less successful at rehabilitating the economy. Zing.
Actually, our high school teacher DID tell us about Johnson, not THAT much detail, but how he was really crude, and he'd wiz in public, and show off his gall bladder scar all the time.
ReplyJohn Quincy Adam's crazy look is only rivaled by Michele Bachmann....that b***h looks crazy, and I feel for you if you've seen her without make-up.
ReplyGood stuff more or less, but to be fair to my teachers we covered a lot of this shit. My favorite example was of a comment I was trying to make about Hitlers possible Jewish ancestry only to have my teacher accidentally go off on a tirade about Hitler's penchant for masochism and golden showers. Then when I got to University we tore this stuff to pieces especially Johnson.
ReplyUS Grant was a deeply sensitive man who suffered from a raging, textbook case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He lived in a particular kind of hell: he was an excellent officer and commander who could get the job done in battle, so he was always the point man in combat... but he deeply and thoroughly hated war. Throughout the Civil War he lived in a robotic funk, doing his job, getting the killing done like a well-oiled machine, and not thinking about anything. When the war was over (and between the Mexican and Civil wars), without the distraction of duty, he fell apart. Major PTSD symptoms: alcoholism, depression, suicidal tendencies, psychosomatic illnesses, phobias, flashbacks. And yes, utter dependence on his wife.
ReplyGrant was probably the bravest man in military history.
U.S. history, absolutely. World history, he was not the only one, there where and are quite a few.
I agree. Some people are only at home when the scent of blood is in the air.
The Johnson Treatment was more of him bullying you like an a*****e until you gave in. When it came to integration he bullied people to make decisions that they know would cost them their congressional office, often crying on the phone. He'd take press conferences from the can screaming profanites while pinching a loaf with the door wide open, knowing nobody would do anything about it.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesGeorge Washington ran un-opposed. Nobody was dumb enough to try and run against him. Yeah, technically that means he won unanimously. Keep in mind during the Articles of Confederation there were several other Presidents of America before Washington.
Grant was a raging alcoholic. He also had to have his wife with him everywhere or else he'd be useless. Grant won the war on liquid courage. That's one they obviously wouldn't teach you in school. Along with the how the reasons we fought the Revolution and Civil War changed after they were won.
Grant being a drunk was no secret at all.
"....bullying you like an asshole....." I've heard of people with an itchy a*****e but never a bullying one.
Grant is known to have only gone on one "bender" during the war. That was dyring the Siege of Vicksburg at apoint where absoultely nothing was happening. He did not need or use alcohol for "courage". He had an aide by the name of John Rawlins whose main job was to keep him from drinking and he only failed at it once during the war.
The United States did not legally exist under the Articles of Confederation. The Articles of Confederation were dissolved and the Constitution of the United States and the Bill of Rights was enacted, making the United States of America a legal entity, once the requisite number of states, and Virginia, ratified it.
Reply"Cheney acted as an adviser to both administrations"
I see what you did there
The link provided for proving that Thomas Jefferson stuttered also stated that a fellow famous stutterer was THEODORE f*****g ROOSEVELT.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesNO! YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH IT ISN'T TRUE!
And Winston Churchill. Stutterers of the world, unite!
And James Earl Jones...
As a stutterer, I find it inspiring to see great individuals in history who have lived with the disorder and accomplished impressive things. But the degree to which stutterers latch onto the most miniscule details to "prove" that famous individuals stuttered is quite depressing. I would bet that less than half of the individuals on that list really stuttered.
However, klebmo, it's a pretty established fact that James Earl Jones is "one of us."
It really sounds like Grant had a talent for holding the trauma aside until after combat had ended.
ReplyThat is not, however, dismissing the trauma, therefore Ulysses was stuck with ongoing and worsening PTSD, which would definately explain his behavior off the actual field of combat.
Also, your characterization of Washington's record is a little lacking. Let me furnish a few details:
ReplyStandard warfare at the time (read European) in briefest terms was basically boiled down to this: two lines of soldiers fired at one another until one of them faltered, then the other would charge with bayonets. So in this case, in standard fireline discipline would win most battles. Now then, which army is going to have better fireline discipline, a bunch of volunteers who have never experieneced anything resembling conventional military training, or members of, at the time, probably the best military in the world? So yeah, if Washington fought the Brits head to head, guess who was going to win a majority of the time? He tried his best to work with the troops and they improved as the war went on. However, you have to remember that when he started, he had soldiers that didn't know how to use bayonets and were often using whatever guns they could find. Now, granted I'm leaving out a lot of information as well (Hessians, British political situation, British commanders being not so great themselves) but the point is that you can't simply point at his win-loss record and say he was a s**t general when, really, the only materails he had to work with were people who had no idea how to fight and were poorly equipped to do so.
To people praising all things Benedict Arnold and saying Washington sucked: You're not edgy, you're not standing up to the man. Your boiling down 8 years of history into inanity. Congrats, you're no better than the people who demonized Arnold or praised Washington endlessly, when none of these portrayals are true.
ReplyIts a bit ironic that Benedict Arnold did more for the American War of Independence than Washington.
ReplyNo he didn't. He did a lot, and got screwed over, but he definetly did not do more than Washington.
George Washington was not elected unanimously. He was appointed. So I guess if you want to call the Continental Congress the electorate and say that when they all pointed at the only guy that no one had a problem with to be the guy with the shitiest job in the hemisphere at that time, then yeah. Totally unanimously elected.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThey took a vote. That makes it an election, douche.
When people refer to Washington's being "unanimously elected," they're referring to electoral votes. Washington received every electoral vote from all 13 states. So yes, he was unanimously elected.
I'm gonna take a guess and say that Swrrws isn't American and has no idea how US presidential elections work.
I don't think all those major losses were all Washington's fault. The American army at that time was poorly equipped and lacked the training compared to the British troops. The Battle of Bunker Hill is a excellent example of how lack of equipment caused the American troops to lose the battle.
ReplyGeorge Washington sucked at war. The good thing is that for the first part, the Revolutionaries had Benedict Arnold, a kickass general. Then he was gone, and the French had to come over and help.
ReplyYeah Washington didn't win Trenton or hold the Army together at Valley Forge or appoint competent officers like Baron von Stueben, Horatio Gates, Francis Marion, or Henry Knox. Theres more to being a General than battle field tactics.
Am I the only one who is seeing massive parallels between Ulysses S Grant and Mulan?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesDon't tell me, he got some racist version of a small dragon guiding him?
He's actually a she, and she only went to war to prevent the army from taking her father instead?
He fell in love with his commanding officer?
@avon08: well, technically lincoln was his commanding officer, and they were pretty close by the end....
just one caveat, the founding fathers were only the members of the constitutional convention and since Thomas Jefferson was in France at the time he is not in fact considered a founding father.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesDoes not being one of the most important brains behind the operation, not count? Does he literally HAVE to be in the room to be a founding father? The guy even wrote the Decleration of Independece for god's sake.
Yes he is. He WROTE the Declaration of Independence. The first peice of paper produced by newly independent colonies. We know this since it is that peice of paper which declared them independent. Also he was acting as one of our first Ambassadors at the time. Along with Ben Franklin. But I can't blame you for not knowing your American History...even "pop" American History. I can't imagine it gets brought up much at the Hezbollah Cafe. Or, in case you thought that name you gave yourself is funny, you are mentally retarded. Either way. It's not your fault. Hey, What's that high pitched whistling sound? Sounds like something heavy was dropped from really high up? Ha! Just kidding! No seriously. It'll all be ok. Or over soon. Whatever really.
Ben Franklin was in France, Jefferson didn't travel abroad until after the war.
You can have a HUGE part in planning something, yet not be in the 'official' lineup when things start finally getting done. Should Jefferson's part be played down if he wasn't in the actual room?
Jefferson was the US Minister to France, May 17, 1785 – September 26, 1789. Appointed by... the Constitutional Convention. I'd say they thought muchly of him.
Don't discount the ability to be good at retreating; as long as the Continental Army wasn't destroyed, the British couldn't win, and eventually they didn't win long enough that they lost.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesExactly. As long as you don't lose, you win. Washington was awesome at keeping his troops alive to fight another day.
Yes, leading a successful retreat is not for pussies.
Fabian tactics at their best
When accuracy is < funny, I'm taking the funny.
ReplyJohn Quincy Adams has also on numerous occasions expressed his dislike for people, and owned a pet alligator.
ReplyWAIT!!! is that why it's called a johnson???
Replylol, no. The usage of "johnson" as slang for penis goes back as far as the 1860's.
so the man was aptly surnamed