OrbiShape Surgery: Built-In Push Up Bras
Bras are a wonderful technology, but they're not perfect. One day, time and gravity are going to take their toll on your joggling pontoons, and you're inevitably going to be mistaken for a mule for a bocci ball smuggling ring. But what if there was a way to avoid the middleman entirely and defy Newton's bullshit theory? What if we could put a bra ... inside the boobs?
As it turns out, we're already doing that. The OrbiShape Breast Supporting System is essentially an internal bra, which sounds like some cool sci-fi shit until you hear the gross details. It involves taking hardened silicone cups and surgically inserting them under the breast tissue. The cups are then hoisted into place with silk straps, and then the whole structure is anchored into place via titanium screws in your rib cage. So it's less Back To The Future Part II and more "getting kidnapped by a serial killer."
Titanium is indeed the sexiest of all metals. Especially which combined with light traces of tungsten.
The procedure has already been approved in the European Union, and is waiting to pass FDA muster in the United States. According to the chief operating officer of Orbix Medical, the company that came up with the device, you should "think of it as a hammock that sits underneath your breast to keep it supported, or like the bottom part of an underwire bra." While this comparison doesn't really take into account that hammocks usually aren't forced into your thoracic cavity via a series of incisions, at least Orbishaping can keep your dairy pillows in fighting trim for up to 10 years, whereas other implant procedures can start to migrate south within a matter of months. So maybe it's worth it, as long as you don't mind explaining to the occasional TSA agent that the airport metal detector was set off by the tiny boob pedestals drilled into your skeleton.
The T-80085 model terrorized the alternate universe where Sarah Connor was played by Tara Reid.
E. Reid Ross also endures grievous trauma to his frank and beans over at Man Cave Daily. Feel free to follow him on Twitter here.
Also be sure to check out 5 Doctors Who Just Gave The World's Worst Medical Advice and 6 Plastic Surgeries For Men That Prove Humanity Is Doomed.
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