At least Soren's soon-to-be-born terror-baby won't grow up in a world where there are Hitler jets zooming around all over the damn place.
A federal health survey examining child tubbiness over the past decade showed a drastic 43 percent decrease in obesity rates. How come? There isn't one single cause, but part of it is that fast-food advertising really, really sucks at its job right now.
"We may be seeing the first wave of children too diet-conscious to fall prey to the lull of cheesy snacks and fast food fries."
Spaceship designer to the gods Colin Cantwell built the Death Star model and didn't want to putty and sand an unsightly gap in middle. He had an idea and called Lucas, who stopped running around the house making space noises long enough to understand the trench would be a great place for the climactic battle.
"Prior to that, the now-famous exhaust port was an obvious but well-guarded hole that the Rebels would just swarm around, like flies at a picnic table."
Jihadi John is reportedly on the run from ISIS now because he fears being beheaded - which is how karmic nightmares are supposed to work.
"This is what happens when you join a cause that violently hates education."
You'd think with such jerkish behavior, there'd have been a lot of people stabbing them and proving them wrong.
Baby's first bowel movement is usually the result of eating a whole body's worth of human hair. Watch Soren's entire impending-fatherhood horror show right here!
"There's a whole casserole of visceral terrors happening in the uterus."
Human trafficking (forcing someone into labor or sex acts against their will) is worth between $9.5 billion and $32 billion worldwide. Slavery didn't go anywhere. It just slipped under the radar.
"If you're expecting my 'sold into child slavery' story to begin with guys in ski masks bursting into my bedroom and snatching me up in the night, the actual story is worse, in a way."
If Hitler would have finished building his stealth bomber, the Allies would have been screwed. We know that because we actually built one from his blueprints.
"After construction, the replica was mounted on a plinth and bombarded with the same radar system used by the British at the time. The results weren't good."
If Gwynplaine from The Man Who Laughs seems like a proto-Joker, that's because he was.
"Some movies like to save their most shocking scenes for the end. Then again, some movies aren't The Man Who Laughs."
That's like a Flintstones-level trick right there.
Yeah, put a bone in it, lady.