Cracked Round-Up: Summer Road-Trip Edition


There is no institution more sacred to the employees and managers at Cracked than the Road Trip. A perfect symbol of America, the transcontinental Road Trip requires grace, guts and enough road-whiskey to make the miles fly past. We're taking a break to type this round-up out in the middle of our own voyage. Well, the break is for this round-up, and because our driver was arrested off exit 67 for driving while intoxicated and carrying an unlicensed firearm. We tried to explain that it was a Cracked issue magnum, but the state troopers were having none of it.

Anyway, here's the round-up! If any of you see Steve, tell him we left his ass to rot in Nevada. He should have known not to speed on the Margarita leg of our trip.

We at Cracked have some pretty strong opinions about the X-Men, but Luke McKinney's article about their 8 worst characters inspired no arguments. Apparently, any old crack addict can write a comic these days. Any old crack addict can write a Cracked column too, as Seanbaby proves with the latest edition of Man Comics. Brendan McGinley classed our week up with a tribute to the noble Martini, while Christina exposed products that target women in nonsensical ways. We're pretty sure no one holds off on home repairs because their hammer isn't pink. John Cheese struck a blow against America's godawful Internet access. A move appreciated by everyone who knows the pain of spending 11 hours a week on the phone with customer support just to hear that Time Warner can do piss-all for your problem. Dan O'Brien launched our weekend with some surprising similarities between famous rappers, and famous authors. Originally, that column was his rejected college thesis.

6 Classic Movies You Didn't Know Were Remakes
Why is it that the manliest behaviors are the ones most likely to end with your gruesome demise?

Notable Comment: "I can't help but think that crashing expencive farm equipment is incredibly wastefull, I live in rural fife Scotland So I see these alomost everyday over here they cost a 2500,000 pounds witch is like 4000,000 USD for a new one. Even the old ones are worth abit, third world places would be very greatful to recive one, just a thought..."

We're sorry, Jabba-the-habba, but the Third World doesn't need those machines nearly as badly as we need to see them crash into each other.

6 Wuss Behaviors That Were Once Badass Survival Instincts
Everything you got beat up in High School for is a reason your ancestors were able to breed. Seems kind of unfair, doesn't it?

Notable Comment: "It doesn't matter how strong you are, there's always someone stronger. So the meek and the supermen got laid, while the middle man got beat to death by the supermen for looking at them funny. The meek were then less likely to head directly into battle, because they would plan to make up for their faults. The supermen, confident in their strength, would then be eaten by crocodiles, trampled by elephants, or killed by any of the other animals that are stronger than the strongest humans."

Shush, Unayasha. The whole of human history was actually a great, dignified struggle and not just a bunch of horny apes trying not to die.

6 Glitches That Accidentally Invented Modern Gaming
Like all great art, the best games became legends thanks to corners cut in the eleventh hour.

Notable Comment:""before Lara, female characters were either hostages or not featured at all." Valis. Okay, so it didn't sell as much as Tomb Raider but still."

Ergeis, no one cares about games that were purchased by a total of four people. Lara Croft was the first female video game protagonist that people cared about who wasn't hidden until the 11th hour. Are you happy now? Do you like it when we ruin the flow of an article with needless explanations? Is that the Cracked you want?

The 5 Least Romantic Keys to a Happy Relationship
Holy shit! It turns out relationships do best when people continue to live their own lives and don't force their partner into a box! Stop the goddamn presses.

Notable Comment:"Aside from being completely heteronormative, this article was made of endless awesome."

Boosh-boosh, every time you use the word "heteronormatiive" our servers suffer a three second lag spike. Please stop.

7 Legendary Acts of Petty Revenge
Vengeance is a dish best served pointlessly.

Notable Comment: There really are a surprising number of Flogging Molly fans in the Cracked audience. We'd recommend you all listen to the Pogues. And maybe scrape the wax out of your ears.

Agents of Cracked
Agents of Cracked: Worst Wingman Ever
The Return of AoC.

16 Iconic Characters Past Their Prime
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Posters For Movies As Told By a Minor Character's Point of View, Rejected Ideas for Theme Parks / Rides and Historical Figures as Product Spokesmen.

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