LOSE WEIGHT AND DIE!
The 6 Most Insane Crash Diets of All Time
Need to lose weight? Try vomiting! Or just drink constantly, (and, inevitably, vomit)! Or, chew your food slowly and then look at your poop, (topped off with uncontrollable vomiting as a result of staring at your own poop)! Hey, you guys: Poop! Vomit! [This just in: Cracked is the classiest site on the entire internet.]
Notable Comment: Dumpster Dieter says "If you really want to lose weight, use the Dumpster Diet. It consists of eating food only found in, around, and in the puddles under dumpsters. Not only do the various molds add flavor to this unique culinary experience, but you gain muscle mass fighting off dumpster dwelling hobos and projectile diarrhea is a great party trick!" It's pretty safe to assume that Dumpster Dieter is probably a doctor of some kind and we strongly recommend taking his expert advice. It sounds like it'll end in vomiting, and really that seems to be the only common thread in all diets. (Except, of course, the ones that work.)
The 15 Most Cringe-Worthy James Bond Puns
You might say that the guys who wrote the Bond movies on this list were shitty and talent-less.
There's no pun there. We're just telling it like it is.
Notable Comment: CK says "Well i really enjoyed the article but i do think your being rather hard on Mr. Bond." Oh really? Because we feel that it is Mr. Bond who is being rather hard on himself...or, wait, we mean to say that Bond is the one with the hard task of...or, that rather he has a giant...You see, because Bond frequently engages in sexual congress with women and then talks about it afterwards, and "hard on," you see, is a euphemism for...Dammit. We know there's a pun in here somewhere... Anyway, boner.
SCIENCE HATES YOU!
The 5 Genetic Experiments Most Likely To Destroy Humanity
Speed Mice? Spider Goats? Fucking Jellyfish Monkeys? Are you that bored, Scientists? Seriously, there isn't anything else that's more important that you could be doing? Look, we fully support whatever the hell you want to do with pigs and zombies or any combination thereof, but just see if you can wipe out AIDS first, or something.