Last week on the Round-up, we asked you folks to post your New Year's Resolutions and, astonishingly, you listened. Your resolutions ranged from the ambitious, ("Find Christian Bale and become Robin"-WarGames), to the admirable, ("To appear on 'To Catch a Predator,'"-Hellfire and Who?), all the way to the slightly less inspiring, ("PANTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS"-capn). Best of luck with all of those resolutions.
This got us thinking: If you, the CRACKED reader, posted your resolutions just because we told you to, what else can we make you do? This is a new-found power that we certainly don't deserve.
To all of you loyal, devoted Cracked fans out there, (all 6 of you?), we'd like you to march directly to your town hall and demand that Cracked articles be added to your local elementary school's curriculum. Tell your mayor that you will not rest until dick jokes and lists are forced down the throats of America's children. Refuse to take "No" for an answer. Tell the superintendent of your school that you "have a dream" and that he/she can't "handle the truth." Call your governor a "douche bag" right to his "stupid face."
Post results below.
DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY WHO LIKES LADIES!
The Top 25 Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians
You can imagine our surprise at the Emmy's last year when Ricky Gervais won for Best Actor and not Best Doughy Lesbian.
Notable Comment: The Baldchemist says "when you write shit like this it shows you and your fellow supporters here, who commented like sheep, that you all suffer from; delusions of grandeur, megalomania, paranoia and narcissism. Take a long hard look at what you wrote and who you wrote about. What a bunch of wankers you are. Why not try to emulate them a little more instead of gang bully crap." You know, the Baldchemist is right. Attention CRACKED staff and all those who comment (like sheep) : From now on, let's stop making fun of these great men and, instead, let's try to follow the amazing example set by heroes like Don Imus, Rick James, Kim Jong Il and whatshisname from Duran Duran.
LOSE WEIGHT AND DIE!
The 6 Most Insane Crash Diets of All Time
Need to lose weight? Try vomiting! Or just drink constantly, (and, inevitably, vomit)! Or, chew your food slowly and then look at your poop, (topped off with uncontrollable vomiting as a result of staring at your own poop)! Hey, you guys: Poop! Vomit! [This just in: Cracked is the classiest site on the entire internet.]
Notable Comment: Dumpster Dieter says "If you really want to lose weight, use the Dumpster Diet. It consists of eating food only found in, around, and in the puddles under dumpsters. Not only do the various molds add flavor to this unique culinary experience, but you gain muscle mass fighting off dumpster dwelling hobos and projectile diarrhea is a great party trick!" It's pretty safe to assume that Dumpster Dieter is probably a doctor of some kind and we strongly recommend taking his expert advice. It sounds like it'll end in vomiting, and really that seems to be the only common thread in all diets. (Except, of course, the ones that work.)
The 15 Most Cringe-Worthy James Bond Puns
You might say that the guys who wrote the Bond movies on this list were shitty and talent-less.
There's no pun there. We're just telling it like it is.
Notable Comment: CK says "Well i really enjoyed the article but i do think your being rather hard on Mr. Bond." Oh really? Because we feel that it is Mr. Bond who is being rather hard on himself...or, wait, we mean to say that Bond is the one with the hard task of...or, that rather he has a giant...You see, because Bond frequently engages in sexual congress with women and then talks about it afterwards, and "hard on," you see, is a euphemism for...Dammit. We know there's a pun in here somewhere... Anyway, boner.
SCIENCE HATES YOU!
The 5 Genetic Experiments Most Likely To Destroy Humanity
Speed Mice? Spider Goats? Fucking Jellyfish Monkeys? Are you that bored, Scientists? Seriously, there isn't anything else that's more important that you could be doing? Look, we fully support whatever the hell you want to do with pigs and zombies or any combination thereof, but just see if you can wipe out AIDS first, or something.
Terry says "The invention of supermice will lead to hyperaggressive zombie-vampires as seen on I Am Legend." We're gonna have to disagree on this one. According to the CRACKED Science Department, the only logical way to stop the genetically enhanced supermice is with similarly altered supercats who in turn will, of course, become evil, prompting us to develop genetically superior monster-dogs, and then the steroid-treated-lions, flying black bears, rattlesnakes with arms, bees that can feel emotions and fire small pistols, and so on in that fashion.
LIES LIES LIES!
8 Kids Movies That Lied to Us
We still can't believe some of the ridiculous lies these movies had us believe. Robin Williams is interesting? Lindsay Lohan is not only two people, but also not a total whore? We were so naive back then.
Notable Comment: DLuxe says: "I can't help but take personal offence to the insinuation of Jim Henderson being, at best, an amateur protologist. Rest in peace Mr Henderson, rest in peace." We have to assume here that you mean both "Jim Henson" and "proctologist," and, if that is the case, we apologize and will make the necessary changes. Let the record show that Jim Henson is nothing if not a professional proctologist.
FOREIGNERS ARE CRAZY!
The 6 Most Insane Game Shows From Around the World
And some of them aren't even from Japan!
Notable Comment: Laura says "I don't get the 'danger zone,' it should be the 'you're fucked zone.'" We've got Kenny Loggins on the phone and he fucking loves it!
The News on Cracked
This week on the most important news source on the internet, field reporter iJustine talks about coffee, anchorman Lex Friedman discusses the New Hampshire caucus and, suspiciously, very little else, and, as always, we've got the week in douchebaggery. It's all the news you'll ever need, provided you hate the news or are a hamster.
"We could just buy a table."
Nostrodamus, predicting the Wii.
In the Indian version of "Happy Days", nobody fucked with the Fonz.
Countless American's are flocking to India due to the high cost of gender reassigment surgery, only to find out you get what you pay for.
To this day, Antonio looks down from heaven and curses the exact moment Mt Vesuvius chose to erupt.
Editor's pick (tie):
"Remember that time I stuck my finger up your ass? I think I'm gonna make a sculture of that."
Everything Pastor McCaffery touched turned to gold.
"Do I have any hobbies? No, not really. Well...there is this one thing..."
John's hearing had let him down again, clearly this wasn't the Cher convention.
Hold my hand and act natural. They can smell fear.
There was no use in challenging the desegregation laws; the snowmen stared silently at the first two humans to ever enter their school.
Drum kit: $350
Tuxedo Rental: $75
Ballet dress: $125
Finding true love through the casual encounters section of Craigslist: Priceless
Lindsay Lohan contracts what would later be known as "Super Crabs".
"No, it's cool. It's just that when you said you drove a ho-mobile..."