The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity

If there's one thing scientists have a knack for (other than avoiding sexual contact with other human beings), it's turning seemingly innocent things into horrifying specters of terror. Atoms were just innocent old building blocks of matter up until they were used to level two Japanese cities. Apparently bored with the military weapons as an outlet for their evil, scientists are upping their pant-soiling quotient by genetically engineering monsters out of our livestock and pets. So, strap on some night-vision goggles, go buy up all the ammunitions at your nearest Wal-Mart and prepare yourself for:

#5.

Super-Speed Mice

Good lord, what is it?
Biologists at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland have taken ordinary field mice and, rather than bopping them over the head, opted to genetically modify them by limiting the biochemical process which allows for explosive bursts of energy. The end result of this limitation is that endurance energy becomes massively increased, thus enabling them to "run up to four miles at a speed of 20 meters a minute for five hours or more without stopping."

The mice also live longer, eat more, mate more often (and for three times as long) and when provoked, inform you in thick Russian accents that they "must break you."

They do take longer to recover than their unmodified brethren, and suffer greater muscle damage from the exertion in what one researcher called a "double-edged sword." Fellow researchers, upon hearing this, declared it to be an awesome idea and immediately set about engineering Double-Edged-Sword-Mice.

For the love of god, why are they doing this?
Well, Cleveland is boring. Also, the enzyme responsible for this behavior, PEPCK-C (apparently, the only enzyme sponsored by PepsiCo) could potentially be used to fight a bevy of debilitating afflictions such as McArdle's Disease, Cystic Fibrosis and Chronic Weak-Kneed Pansy Syndrome. Lead project researcher Prof. Hanson grudgingly admits that it is "very possible" their results could also be used to produce muscle enhancing drugs that could easily be abused for their potential to greatly enhance any and all athletic abilities. After the interview, Prof. Hanson returned to his work, watching mice run on itty-bitty treadmills, swim about in tiny mouse-pools, and wear miniscule Christmas sweaters, though he readily admits that last one is "just because."

We strongly suspect that the motivations for the experiments will be made much clearer when they try to splice a Mexican accent into the super mouse and outfit him with a tiny sombrero, finally bringing to fruition a seemingly impossible dream:

What's going to happen to us?
Though super-fast, super-enduring mice might seem to be a plague of cuddles and wuddles rather than death and destruction, we would remind you of their disease carrying tendencies. Field mice are the Tommy Lee of nature, spreading disease like tiny little Motley Crue reunion tours. Mice literally decimated Europe in the Middle Ages by carrying the bubonic plague. Now, imagine if those same mice were physically incapable of tiring, could cover five times the ground, and breed all the way up until they die- at three times the age of a normal mouse.

Even more terrifying a prospect, however, is the "very possible" potential for this modified enzyme to be used as a drug in humans. The drug would enhance every single aspect of physical performance, while increasing both life span and libido. This sounds initially like a wonder; it's all the promises of your spam mail subject lines coming to life and all you have to do is freebase a super-mouse! That is, until you listen to Prof. Hanson, himself, who admits that "On the downside, they eat twice as much as control mice, but they are half the weight and are very aggressive. Why this is the case, we are not really sure."

So, now we have a drug that triples life-span and physical ability while filling you with uncontrollable hunger, rage and lust. Maybe it's just us, but the prospect of rampaging hordes of mouse-addicted, sprinting psychopaths who love both brains and rape sits a little uneasy in that small, irrational part of our psyches that is still afraid of dying horrifying, orifice-violating, cannibalistic deaths.

218 Comments

pacificobob

It is funny about the monkey rave thing. Once you get bacteria to fluoresce it does look like a rave and they only glow under black light. We have fun in Biochem lab.

Posted on 5/12/2008 2:40:03 AM

They were not trying to cross a jellyfish with a monkey. They were trying to get the monkey to express one jellyfish gene. It is the gene that codes for the GFP or green fluorescence protein. It is a common gene inserted into E. coli. This experiment is one of many which is testing gene therapy techniques. If they had been successful then it would have been the first step in curing thousands of genetic and deadly diseases.

Posted on 5/12/2008 2:36:14 AM

btfj

So what happens if you cross an already mutated spider goat with a monkey jellyfish for example ? Would you get a spider-goat-monkey-jellyfish?

Posted on 5/9/2008 9:55:38 AM

Rihanna

I met my new friends at a cele hot club __Blackgirlsconnect.com__ several days ago. It is a funny and interesting place. So nice to talk and date some girls or guys on here.

Posted on 5/8/2008 7:19:25 AM

davo

no its what you're cravng though isn't it

Posted on 5/7/2008 10:48:40 PM

monamayfair

Is that jellyfish picture supposed to look like a penis?? And WHY would you want to make a monkey GLOW ffs? Thats insane... were they tripping at the time?

Posted on 5/6/2008 2:26:26 PM

Raynauld

Oh come on now! im from Holland! And there is a lot that we have contributed to the world. Like... Uhm... Give me a minute... If it wasnt for us there woulnt be... uhm.. slavery? Thats not a good example i guess... Uhm... The marinecorps or something uninterresting like that? Dikes? Those stupid wooden shoes im still verry ashamed off? Damit, there has to be something good... Cheese? Oh wait! Freedom of course! yeah, thats all because of us. And you cant forget civilisation, the term eating, technologie, football, chess, Disney, the sea. Now, thats all the world has gotten and more from the Dutch people! So there!

Posted on 5/6/2008 5:16:36 AM

bryanbryanbryan

Oh, whogivesashit, and here I was thinking that it meant the people of the Netherlands were unknown, worthless, and generally disillusioned by the obscurity of their country. Eh?

Posted on 5/5/2008 10:26:27 PM

whogivesashit

Germany's Canada? Does that mean people in the Netherlands are friendlier, better looking, less ignorant as WELL as more respectable than the Germans? No way! Learn something new every day!

Posted on 5/5/2008 1:48:11 PM

ninetailedfox

Cow people? seriously, thats called Minotaurs on some fantasy novel I read. The zombie pig thing bothers me the most. Its not only unethical, its creepy.

Posted on 4/28/2008 7:08:44 PM

CJhere

That was hilarious. I would like to point out, however, that a single gene that happens to be found in humans being inserted into a cow's DNA does not make the creature part human, nor does it presumably grant a human "soul," whatever that is. Considering we share many of the same genes with every other form of life on the planet already, I don't see what's so horrifying about it. See, when you said "cow-people" I pictured something much worse and more entertaining. Like some of the stuff they're currently doing in Japan. Still, funny article and I agree with Andyroo that you could not have penned a more awesome conclusion.

Posted on 4/9/2008 12:40:24 PM

BearMan

Rats! Have a sense of humor. Oh, and if you were so smart you would realize that mus musculus is the domestic mouse, not a field mouse. I just added that to be a smartass.

Posted on 4/2/2008 9:06:50 AM

user

what the hell?? http://no-effort-money.blogspot.com/

Posted on 4/1/2008 3:32:31 PM

Andyroo

"Maybe it's just us, but the prospect of rampaging hordes of mouse-addicted, sprinting psychopaths who love both brains and rape sits a little uneasy in that small, irrational part of our psyches that is still afraid of dying horrifying, orifice-violating, cannibalistic deaths. " that may very well be the single most awesome sentence ever penned by man or beast...

Posted on 3/31/2008 7:12:37 AM

Promus

Well, actually it was rats who spread the Black Plague in Europe...not mice... Okay, I'll stop being a nitpicky bitch and just enjoy the article.

Posted on 3/29/2008 8:29:47 AM

Sirnoff-1

ahhh god that was funny and ya first time ive senn crack make a mistake ahh its not like they care they'd still kick ass even if they told you zombie spider-clown mail-men didnt exist.....what the fuck do you mean they dont exist...screw you mom

Posted on 3/27/2008 8:04:19 AM

Mikoff

THIS IS A HUMOR WEBSITE. THE FUCK TO YOU.

Posted on 3/15/2008 3:24:53 PM

Anon

Stop scaremongering. The benefits of this kind of research on human society is almost unbounded. Spreading hate and fear of this work only shows ignorance and a desire to prevent an improvement in the human condition.

Posted on 3/15/2008 10:22:45 AM

Jack Smankerson

Seriously rats!, why do you people troll through every page and search franticly for mistakes? Don't you have a rhino to t-bag or something?

Posted on 3/13/2008 7:52:22 PM

Ranger

What about natural de-selection? I site the death of Anna Nicole.

Posted on 2/26/2008 3:59:02 PM

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The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity

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