Using the power of Reason, I have deduced what the monster in Cloverfield is
So the movie Cloverfield’s going to be released in a few days, and as of right now, no-one seems to know anything about it yet. If you haven’t heard about the film, or seen the ads or trailers for it yet, I’ll explain. The trailers depict a monster of some sort apparently attacking New York, while a group of friends with attractive facial features run in terror. However, the monster isn’t identifiable in the trailers, and scant other information has been revealed about the plot yet.
This is a lot more remarkable than you might first suspect. The Internet contains many people who make a point of uncovering every detail of a movie long before it comes out. No-one’s entirely sure why someone would dedicate their life to doing this, although I personally suspect it may have something to do with the sodium imbalance caused by eating too much ham.
Consequently, we can conclude that the security the producers erected around the film was intense. For example, according to some rumors, during casting actors reportedly weren’t handed actual scripts. They instead read dialog from similarly themed television shows - Murphy Brown I’m guessing.
Given the lack of concrete information about the film, speculation about the true nature of the monster has been rampant on the Internet. Favorite theories currently suggest that it’s an alien, or a genetically engineered superweapon, or a Lovecraftian inspired monster from the deep. Following an interview where Abrams stated that he came up with the concept while on a trip to Japan, some have also suggested that the monster may be some sort of Voltron style robot.
I think the Internet may be on the wrong track here. Everything we know suggests this monster is a horrendous object of terror. Voltron wasn’t terrifying. It was awe-filling and arousing. No, if the answer to the riddle lies with the Japanese, we have to know what it is they’re worried about. As a student of Japanese culture, I can state confidently that in their daily life the Japanese are mainly plagued by the following three things:
1) Men who molest women on commuter trains.
2) Gangs of Tokyo drifting teenagers.
3) Animated pieces of feces.
Which leads me to conclude that the monster in Cloverfield is a 40 story turd that slides around in an unnatural manner while molesting women.
So probably not a date movie.
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Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.
January 8th, 2008 at 11:43 am
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan and J. J. Abrams are in some sort’ve elite “Punk’d” outfit where they intentionally frustrate the world with their movie/show plots. A meeting between the two would probably go something like this:
M. Night: “I’ve got a cryptic poster out for my next movie where it just shows a bunch of random empty cars, Mark Wahlberg’s name and an ominous skyline. Not that that has anything to do with it. Little do the idiot public know that the monster will be made of paper-mache and is allergic to air. Haha people are gonna be so PISSED when those credits roll.”
J.J. : “Dude, that’s nothing. Why do you always pussy out and give some explanation at the end? Have you seen LOST? Nobody knows what the monster even IS on my show. It’s driving people batshit INSANE. This cracked-out dude came up to me on the street, grabbed my shirt and screamed ‘Why the polar bears man? Why the FUCKING POLAR BEARS?!’ Haha, oh man, too much. And now, they’ve paid me to make a MOVIE where I don’t tell anybody what the monster is. The public are some goddamn sadomasochists man. But I gives it to ‘em cuz they love it.”
M. Night: “Damn…You are fucked up, Abrams.”
January 8th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
The Cloverfield Monster is the innocent love of a child.
Fuckin’ hooligan kids.
January 8th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I think the monster will be the creature that scares America the most: same-sex marriage! I shudder just thinking about it.
January 8th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
This movie will piss us off like no other movie, cause I’m willing to bet you never actually see the monster.
January 8th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
I am going to open myself up to extreme ridicule and state for the record that Vehicle Voltron was much cooler than Lion Voltron.
January 8th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Case closed.
January 8th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
It’s the main character’s multiple personalities!
January 8th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
i think the Voltron suggestion is headed towards the right direction. As the Transformers proved, Hollywood is in the midst of an 80s nostalgia kick. Therefore, i’m telling you, Cloverfield is going to be the big screen adaptation of the arcade game “Rampage.” The monster shown briefly in the clips is, in fact, Lizzie the Lizard.
January 8th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
I imagine the monster is western society’s greed and rape of the enviroment.
So human beings are the ‘real’ monsters.
Take that, Hollywood’s lack of creativity!
January 8th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
If the Cloverfield monster is a forty foot turd, will the sequal’s monster be whatever took such a massive dump?
January 8th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
I don’t know, Felix. I doubt that Bruce Willis would sign to a movie with the words “clover” or “field” in its name, except, of course, for “Death Clover” and “Field of Face-Raping Awesomeness”.
January 8th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
It’s the product of the first million-man bukakke film fused together and given life.
And Vehicle Voltron sucked. What would you rather drive around - a space truck like goddamed Dennis Hopper and Debi Mazar or a fucking robot lion?
January 8th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I guess I’m just partial to Vehicle Voltron because I nailed Debi Mazar in the back of one of his feet.
January 8th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Yes, Vehicle Voltron is really , really cool. Again, dammit. I would be more impressed with nailing Debi Mazar if she had tits and looked more like a female softball player or female bowler.
January 8th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
I’m thinking it’s Jesus… An angry angry Jesus…
January 8th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Having seen Alias and Lost I am guessing that JJ Abrams doesnt even know what the monster is yet, but he hopes to have it figures out by the end of the movie.
January 8th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Also that, whatever the monster may be, it probably has amnesia and it wont even know what it is untill cloverfield 2
January 8th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
The greatest monster of all…
MAN!!!!!
January 8th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Bugs Bunny. Totally Bugs Bunny.
January 8th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
I have never been RickRoll’d before! Never! You popped my cherry like an angry janitor rapist with a broken broom stick…
January 8th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Speaking of rick rolls, maybe the monster is a rick roll? Or the whole interprise is one giant elaborate rick roll?
January 9th, 2008 at 12:33 am
@GodDamnYouIan, yes, Ian is quite accomplished at rickrolling. He consistently is the only one who gets me with it.
Also, why do I get the feeling that that not the first or second or third time Ian’s heard the phrase “GodDamnYouIan” in his life.
January 9th, 2008 at 5:54 am
No no no, knowing J.J. it will be a giant black man who likes disco music and screams “DYNOMITE!”…. We’re talking about the same guy, right?
January 9th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
It’s godzilla
January 9th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Gojira! Or a Chinese knockoff. This time, instead of Eeevil Nuclear Power, it’s Eevil Manmade Global Warming!
Or a giant hot air spewing Al Gore, but there’s very little difference except the giant lizard is more loveable.
January 9th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Hillary Clinton.
January 11th, 2008 at 10:09 am
The monster is Godzilla!
January 13th, 2008 at 3:38 am
maybe i am just really drunk, but i personally think the monster will be elmer fudd after searching for 100 intensive hours for that “wascally wabbit”
January 20th, 2008 at 1:51 am
Man was the real monster the whole time!
I dunno if anyone has done a “man was the real monster” joke a la King Kong here yet, but I have forbidden myself from looking at information on Cloverfield until I’ve actually seen it.
I’m hoping it’s Cthulhu. Or Nyarlathotep!
February 17th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
I wish I’d read this article before I took my girlfriend to see it…
It was pretty crap, but at least it didn’t have 40 story turd in it.
March 27th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
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