An Intervention for Brian

Hello all. Glad everyone could make it to the second annual Brian McGinnis drug intervention! Just a little joke to warm up the crowd! I think we all pray for the unlikely event that this is Brian's last relapse.

Mr. and Mrs. McGinnis, thank you both for flying all the way from Indianapolis. Shelby, also especially great to see you. It's been, what, six months since our breakup? You look amazing. Like so much fresh fruit waiting to be diced and mixed with cottage cheese. Haha, right you are, Mr. McGinnis, back to the topic indeed! As we all know, we are here together because we all love my roommate and best friend Brian.

Continue Reading Below


Unfortunately, every one of us has also been hurt by Brian's substance abuse. It has been clear to me for a month now that Brian has slipped back into the destructive pattern of behavior that we came to know when he was using. He rarely talks to any of us anymore and- oh he talks to you twice a day Mrs. McGinnis? Well, I guess that makes sense since you have always been an enabler for Brian's substance abuse. Irregardless, today is not about your shortcomings as a parent, but rather the hell that those shortcomings have wrought.

An Intervention for BrianGetty
I have made a personal sacrifice by eating seventeen of your ketamine muffins, Mrs. McGinnis. You sicken me.

Continue Reading Below


Continue Reading Below


I think all of us can agree that Brian has exhibited the number one symptom for someone with a problem: withdrawing from his friends. We are all like plants, and friends are our sunshine. Without the nurturing of me, Brian's best friend and roommate, our pal is in some pretty serious-Oh really James? Did everyone hear that? James said that I don't see Brian anymore because he moved out of our apartment a month ago. He added that he thinks I'm confusing Brian's cessation of our friendship with drug addiction. Did I get all of that right, James? Great! Now if you'll excuse me-


Continue Reading Below


Ahem. I don't know if you guys know James. He is probably Brian's seventh best friend in the world. To answer your question James, Brian's furniture is gone because he sold it to feed the white monkey. I am his roommate and you are not the leader of this intervention. Taste it.

An Intervention for BrianGetty
Sit down, James. Or is the furniture from the alley behind Pottery Barn not good enough for you?

And as for Mrs. McGinnis' suggestion that maybe I'm the one who needs the help, yes Mrs. McGinnis, I heard that and I would just like to add that denial is a very difficult thing to overcome. Especially for an enabler.

Continue Reading Below


Which brings me to my next point, who else here has been hanging out with Brian behind my fucking back? C'mon people, I'm just the intervention guide. This is supposed to be a two way street of communication that breeds healing. Now you all better fess up before I start fucking some skulls. Where's everyone going?

Continue Reading Below


Haven't heard much from you today, have we Shelby? I bet you've been fucking that junkie- don't you know he's probably got AIDS?

Shelby, stop! It's just that ever since we met at Brian's last intervention, you've been all I can think about. I wanted to see you again so badly, I left heroine-loaded syringes around the house while he was trying to kick the habit. And just look at us! We are back together in a cocoon of healing! Now come and be held! Shelby don't go!

Well that bitch has clearly been riding the old coke train to crack whore-ville. If I weren't such a caring boyfriend I might let it keep going without taking action.

To turn on reply notifications, click here


Load Comments

More Articles

5 Weird AF Facts History Class Left Out

There's a whole lot of history out there.


5 Deranged Questions That Appeared On Real Tests

Exam season is a stressful time.


At Least Your Thanksgiving Wasn't As Bad As Kid Rock's

Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.


Papa John's Disgraced Founder Has Gone Full Supervillain

It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.


5 Priceless Missing Treasures (That Are Waiting To Be Found)

Everyone from Nathan Drake to Benjamin Gates has failed to locate these missing treasures.


5 Big Tech Scandals That Didn't Get Enough Attention

The tech industry is constantly changing like a swirling, confusing vortex.