Sexual intercourse, we can all agree, is delectable. It is a beautiful and elegant slice of class smothered between two heaving, sweaty college freshmen.
But there is a dark side to the horizontal jog: STDs. Chief among these is a disease known to cause a large, screaming discharge and require nearly two decades of financial support. The illness, known on the street as "pregnancy," "bun in the oven," or, in South America, "a flesh tamalé," CAN be prevented, either through abstinence or an uninterrupted diet of alcohol and prescription medication. Still, nearly ninety percent of Americans will face this horrible affliction in their lifetimes.
Of course, having children isn't all bad (sorry, we're required to say that). But now that you've crapped out a post-placental want machine, here are some tips on minimizing the detrimental effects your new goblin will have on your heady, go-getter lifestyle.
TV: The Magical Robotic Parenting Machine
Look at them, they love it! That' right, good old TV, the same place you get hours of quality product placement, can also serve as an effective surrogate parent. Simply place the child in front of the set, turn it on, and patented Edutainment Gnomes will do the rest.
Well, not really, but explaining how it really works would take too much of my valuable time. The important point is, if you've got a late night at the office, a peace rally, or just need to play a few rounds of back-alley craps, your TV is ready, willing, and able to embrace your son or daughter in its loving, probably-eye-cancer-causing arms. With great kid' programs like Blue' Clues, Dora the Explorer, and that one with the mentally handicapped Aardvark, your kids will be well on their way to careers in counting to the number "6."