Please give that folder to Rusty.
You're also countersuing the plaintiff for trespass and damage to your country?
Yes, your honor. He attacked the glorious Arab fatherland of Iraq and pillaged our national treasures. He bombed hospitals, schools and allowed looters to steal our...
WAPNER (to BUSH):
Mr. Bush, did you attack the glorious Arab fatherland of Iraq?
Your honor, we had a coalition of the willing, including 47 countries like Micronesia, Rwanda, the Soloman Islands, Uganda...
WAPNER (ANGRY, TO BUSH):
You didn't answer my question. Did you attack the glorious Arab fatherland of Iraq?
Thank you. (Pause) Saddam, did you get an appraiser to look at the damage?
I did, your honor.
OK. I will take a brief recess and look at all of these documents.
ANNOUNCER: What will Judge Wapner decide? Will he find in favor of the plaintiff and rule that the defendant was a threat who might have possessed weapons of mass destruction? Or will he rule in favor of the defendant? Find out after this break.
Welcome back to the case of "The Disappearing Weapons of Mass Destruction." The plaintiff, George Bush, had some serious complaints against the defendant. But it seems that Saddam was very good at keeping records. Judge Wapner is coming back into the courtroom now. Let's listen to his decision.
WAPNER: I looked through the memo, and it's clear to anyone with two halves of a brain that the defendant could not have had weapons of mass destruction and did not even possess the capability to develop such weapons. I doubt he even owned a coffee maker. And Mr. Bush, you could not produce a receipt for any such weapons of mass destruction.
WAPNER: I spent some time looking through the defendant's records, and it's clear that the plaintiff did damage the defendant's country. The appraisal says that the defendant will need close to $100 billion dollars over the next year to repair the damage caused by the plaintiff. Unfortunately, this is a small claims court and damages are capped.
WAPNER:I rule in favor of the defendant, Saddam Hussein, and order the plaintiff to pay him $5,000 for damages done to the glorious Arab fatherland of Iraq.
The litigants are on they're way out, let's get their reactions. Here comes the plaintiff, George Bush.
DOUG LLEWELLYN(to BUSH):
President Bush, Judge Wapner had some tough words for you in there.
Well, I think Judge Wapner, you know he's not the kind of jurist I would want on the Supreme Court. He doesn't understand that it's Congress' role to make the laws. I'm a war President and after September 11th, I can't...
But you didn't have any receipts to back it up.
No, but I...
Well, lesson learned. Next time, you should save your receipts. Rusty has some documents for you to sign and will show you out. Here comes the defendant, Saddam Hussein.
DOUG (to SADDAM): A good day for you in court, wouldn't you say?
Well, yes, Doug. I would like to thank the Almighty that Judge Wapner is a wise man in the tradition of Abraham, Solomon and myself. And not like that Harriet Miers.
But you must have been upset that you were only awarded $5,000?
Yes, that is too bad because I saved all the receipts.
OK, well Rusty has some documents for you to sign...and that wraps up this episode of The People's Court. This is Doug Llewellyn, saying:, the next time someone accuses you of having weapons of mass destruction and bombs your country, don't take the law into your own hands-- take them to court.
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