Q: How do I protect my c**katoo or canary from bird flu?
A: If you keep a c**katoo or canary as a pet, slaughter it immediately. The proper way to do this is to grab its body in your fist, walk it into the kitchen, place it on the cutting board, and lop its head off with a knife. Pretty much any knife will do. Bird necks are about as tough as celery.
As you probably know, the head and body must be burned, separately, with their ashes scattered in different directions. Just like you're disposing of a vampire corpse.
Important: Be sure to rinse thoroughly both the knife and your cutting board! How stupid would you feel if you successfully killed and disposed of the infected bird only to later die from decrusting a PB&J sandwich? I bet you'd feel pretty f**king stupid.
If the caged bird is a beloved family pet, have your husband, wife or live-in f**kbuddy take the kids to a movie before slaughtering. When they come home, explain to them that lil' Petey flew out the window and then surprise them with a new pet monkey. Kids love monkeys, and they're 100% disease-free.