Q: How do I avoid getting bird flu?
A: While it may seem overly cautious, various international health authorities are advising that persons in high-risk areas such as India, South East Asia and Cleveland, OH refrain from f*****g birds. At least for the time being.
We understand that complete abstinence is not always a viable option, and ask that when you do f**k birds, make sure to take appropriate precautions, such as pulling out.
Q: Can I still eat poultry?
A: The thing is, bird flu tastes like chicken so you never know if your General Tzo's is infected. You're at highest risk if you're eating at a Chinese establishment that is owned by Mexicans or a Mexican establishment, owned by the Chinese. Best stick to KFC, which is made from featherless, beakless mutates that are not legally birds.
This way you can die of cancer like the rest of your neighbors.
Q: How about eggs?
A: It depends on the kind of eggs. The ones that you buy in the store should be fine. But if you're the kind of person that goes from tree to tree raiding nests, you're engaging in high-risk behavior.
Q: How do I protect my cockatoo or canary from bird flu?
A: If you keep a cockatoo or canary as a pet, slaughter it immediately. The proper way to do this is to grab its body in your fist, walk it into the kitchen, place it on the cutting board, and lop its head off with a knife. Pretty much any knife will do. Bird necks are about as tough as celery.
As you probably know, the head and body must be burned, separately, with their ashes scattered in different directions. Just like you're disposing of a vampire corpse.
Important: Be sure to rinse thoroughly both the knife and your cutting board! How stupid would you feel if you successfully killed and disposed of the infected bird only to later die from decrusting a PB&J sandwich? I bet you'd feel pretty f*****g stupid.
If the caged bird is a beloved family pet, have your husband, wife or live-in fuckbuddy take the kids to a movie before slaughtering. When they come home, explain to them that lil' Petey flew out the window and then surprise them with a new pet monkey. Kids love monkeys, and they're 100% disease-free.
Q: What's the difference between a pandemic and an epidemic?
A: Here's a handy way of remembering it: If your home town is in the "-demic" part, you're probably already dead.
Q: Is this thing a genuine threat or just media hype?
A: They are not mutually exclusive. Michael Jackson is both a legitimate concern and the vertex of a media circus. Know what else gets a lot of hype but is also really dangerous? Terrorism.
Q: Is the United States prepared to deal with an outbreak of bird flu?
A: Are you kidding? Haven't you been watching the news? According to most leading scientists, the bird flu will not only pick off the elderly and young (which wouldn't be so bad because we fall into neither category), but also the hale and hearty that fall in the middle.
Clearly an evolutionary dead end.
Have you seen 12 Monkeys? It'll be like that, only we haven't yet invented that rusty time-travel contraption through which they send Bruce Willis to save the world. But if we do invent one, I say we send back a scientist, and not a half-retarded convict whose most distinct personality trait is that he always acts like he's hung-over. Just a thought.
Q : Should individuals stock up on flu drugs?
A: Honestly, if Avian bird flu breaks out, all the drugs in the world aren't going to save you. Which is why I highly recommend stocking up on any other drugs you might find in your kids' drug drawer (usually to the back of the drawer under the sock drawer).
Drugs like pot, acid, Ecstasy and Percocet will make the whole slow death thing a whole lot more painless. Especially Ecstasy. Just try not to take it when your kids are around. Things can get out of hand.
This of course only works if your kids are cool.
Q: But I've had the flu before and it hasn't killed me.
A: This is the bird flu, not the regular flu. Regular flu symptoms include fever, nausea, aches and difficulty sleeping. Symptoms of bird flu are much, much different. They include walking into glass doors and mirrors and an urge to defecate on public statues.
Fool me once ...
You can't take it with you. So, they didn't.
A lot of medical problems read like horror movie scripts.
These guys make the Joker look like a well-adjusted citizen.