Hollywood is full of bad ideas, but few of those ideas are ever quite as horrific as the ones that lead to remaking a classic film. Did the world really need an updated version of The Longest Yard with Adam Sandler in the lead role? Nope, we sure didn't.
But "some things just shouldn't be messed with" is a lesson Hollywood will likely never learn. So for as long as we have movies, we'll have shitty remakes to infuriate us. Here are a few we hope never happen.
Michael Bay's Gone With the Wind
If Michael Bay is ever going to put up James Cameron-like numbers at the box office, he's going to have to start adding 90 minutes of tedious romance bullshit to his usual parade of explosions that happen at night and bigger explosions that also happen at night. Putting his own unique spin on Gone With the Wind would give Michael Bay a wide open landscape filled with pointless dialogue that's desperately in need of being replaced with a shot of a flaming van driving off of an interstate overpass.
As an added bonus, all of the racist characters are already in place, so no breakdancing robots or whatever.
Garry Marshall's Independence Day
Honestly, we're on the fence as to whether or not we'd want to see this. On the one hand, pretty much any film Garry Marshall gets his hands on these days is going to have about 25 names listed on the movie poster. Clearly, Hollywood owes this guy some favors and he's cashing them in while he's still got time. Either that, or he's the New York Yankees of movie casting. But hey, at Garry Marshall's age, he could just as easily be writing angry letters to his local theater about all of the "ethnics" in movies these days. Instead, he's giving Ludacris a vehicle to explore his romcom side. Good for him.
Also, adding a "massive casualties" element to the Garry Marshall formula would be exactly the kind of shot in the arm we'd administer to a franchise like this if the terms of our work release allowed us to dabble in side projects. Remember the rush of excitement you felt when (spoiler alert!) Gwyneth Paltrow died in the first few minutes of Contagion? Multiply it by at least 10 and you have the Independence Day remake you've never dreamed of but will probably go check out anyway.
Wes Anderson's Halloween
Our brains are programmed to accept that any movie with the word "Halloween" in the title must be a horror film. But Wes Anderson could change all of that.
Just look at Jason Schwartzman in that poster. He's not there to hurt you. He's just a guy who got dumped by his girlfriend on Halloween and his quirky way of dealing is to wear a stupid Halloween mask every day.
What would you rather see? Senseless slaughter or a man coming to terms with grief and loss, all while maintaining his carefree and quirky side?
Seems like an easy choice to us.
Tyler Perry's Malcolm X
It's going to happen sometime. That's right, someday, Tyler Perry is going to have to go serious with one of his films. Well, he already has, technically, with The Family That Preys. But when your "serious" roles are bookended by Meet the Browns and Madea Goes to Jail, it's a pretty safe bet that people aren't taking you all that seriously just yet.
But once he has a few more of those heavier films under his belt, it will be time to drop the masterpiece that silences critics once and for all.
This will not be that masterpiece. We hope.