Now that the word "remake" has been remade into the word "reboot," it appears that every Hollywood executive is having the same recurring dream where males 18 to 21 suddenly forget why Superman is super. This is why every new reboot mandatorily becomes one long training montage.
And while it might be interesting to relive why RoboCop is robo, this weirdness has begun to bleed into stories that never had an origin to begin with. Not because no one got around to it, but rather because no one actually gave a shit until now.
#6. A Live-Action Rescue Rangers Origin Film Written by a Condom Commercial Director
Anyone in their late 20s fondly remembers Rescue Rangers as that TV show turned Nintendo game in which you could pick up and throw the other player across the stage just to be a dick. And so, when it came time for Disney to make the inevitable Alvin and the Chipmunks-esque live-action childhood sucker punch, the studios realized just how confused people would be if they didn't know exactly how the Rangers got those little Hawaiian shirts and bomber jackets.
"I got it from Tom Selleck. Please don't ask what I had to do."
Thankfully, the mystery will be answered in the upcoming Chip 'n' Dale film that will lead into the Rescue Rangers movie being produced by the Muppets Most Wanted people and written by a guy whose current claim to fame is directing a Durex commercial where condom balloon animals fuck like desperate porn stars. We're not sure how this artistic pedigree leads to children's films, but the House of the Mouse works in mysterious way.
"I'm also going to beat out the Internet by creating all the Rule 34 for the movie."
#5. We're Finally Going to Find Out How the Transporter Learned to Transport Things With Three New Transporter Films
The first Transporter film was no doubt made through a series of escalating dares about how long a dude can fight exclusively with high kicks and if you can actually make a shirtless motor oil wrestling match get past test audiences. From there it just kept going until everyone realized that it was kind of stupid, Jason Statham included.
Yes, that Jason Statham.
But since they're not going to shelve that belligerent golden goose, to make up for the loss the studios have opted to flip the reboot switch and give us a younger, less experienced "transporter" played by Ed Skrein, otherwise known as "Guy Who Wants to Rail That Dragon Chick #4" from Game of Thrones. And if you're wondering just how they plan to tap dance through another Transporter film, keep in mind that they are also planning to make two more if that one doesn't suck, making this The Hobbit of hairless hooligans wasting dudes with air yoga.
#4. More Goddamn Smurfs
To put it mildly, the last Smurfs film ate dick at the box office. Having confidently planned a third installment, the studio did the unthinkable: They listened to their audience and cancelled the third film.
"Sorry, you're going to have to go back to smurf at the Smurf Club. We have smurfs to pay."
Just kidding. They decided to make the third one a prequel instead, having clearly identified the problem being that they didn't make the other two close enough to the original Peyo artwork and not that no one wants to see blue imps fart around for more than 30 minutes on a Saturday morning.
The prequel is planned to be an origin story focused more on the comics, which should be fun, considering the first published story was about a smurf getting bitten by a fly that made him black, irrationally angry, and monosyllabic.
"No way this can go wrong!"