6 Upcoming Origin Story Movies Nobody Asked For
Now that the word "remake" has been remade into the word "reboot," it appears that every Hollywood executive is having the same recurring dream where males 18 to 21 suddenly forget why Superman is super. This is why every new reboot mandatorily becomes one long training montage.
And while it might be interesting to relive why RoboCop is robo, this weirdness has begun to bleed into stories that never had an origin to begin with. Not because no one got around to it, but rather because no one actually gave a shit until now.
A Live-Action Rescue Rangers Origin Film Written by a Condom Commercial Director
Anyone in their late 20s fondly remembers Rescue Rangers as that TV show turned Nintendo game in which you could pick up and throw the other player across the stage just to be a dick. And so, when it came time for Disney to make the inevitable Alvin and the Chipmunks-esque live-action childhood sucker punch, the studios realized just how confused people would be if they didn't know exactly how the Rangers got those little Hawaiian shirts and bomber jackets.
"I got it from Tom Selleck. Please don't ask what I had to do."
Thankfully, the mystery will be answered in the upcoming Chip 'n' Dale film that will lead into the Rescue Rangers movie being produced by the Muppets Most Wanted people and written by a guy whose current claim to fame is directing a Durex commercial where condom balloon animals fuck like desperate porn stars. We're not sure how this artistic pedigree leads to children's films, but the House of the Mouse works in mysterious way.
"I'm also going to beat out the Internet by creating all the Rule 34 for the movie."
We're Finally Going to Find Out How the Transporter Learned to Transport Things With Three New Transporter Films
The first Transporter film was no doubt made through a series of escalating dares about how long a dude can fight exclusively with high kicks and if you can actually make a shirtless motor oil wrestling match get past test audiences. From there it just kept going until everyone realized that it was kind of stupid, Jason Statham included.
Yes, that Jason Statham.
But since they're not going to shelve that belligerent golden goose, to make up for the loss the studios have opted to flip the reboot switch and give us a younger, less experienced "transporter" played by Ed Skrein, otherwise known as "Guy Who Wants to Rail That Dragon Chick #4" from Game of Thrones. And if you're wondering just how they plan to tap dance through another Transporter film, keep in mind that they are also planning to make two more if that one doesn't suck, making this The Hobbit of hairless hooligans wasting dudes with air yoga.
More Goddamn Smurfs
To put it mildly, the last Smurfs film ate dick at the box office. Having confidently planned a third installment, the studio did the unthinkable: They listened to their audience and cancelled the third film.
"Sorry, you're going to have to go back to smurf at the Smurf Club. We have smurfs to pay."
Just kidding. They decided to make the third one a prequel instead, having clearly identified the problem being that they didn't make the other two close enough to the original Peyo artwork and not that no one wants to see blue imps fart around for more than 30 minutes on a Saturday morning.
The prequel is planned to be an origin story focused more on the comics, which should be fun, considering the first published story was about a smurf getting bitten by a fly that made him black, irrationally angry, and monosyllabic.
"No way this can go wrong!"
An Origin Story Leprechaun Reboot Starring a Pro Wrestler
Speaking of short things that haunt your dreams, who doesn't recall those Leprechaun films starring the guy who's way too good to be in six films about a fucking killer leprechaun? Turns out those green turds were a real cash cow, because they're doing it all over again.
"Superstar" should probably be in quotes, too.
Starring the noted tadpole splasher Hornswoggle, the WWE/Lionsgate venture is being helmed by TV movie director and one-time Goosebumps actor Zach Somekindoflastname and is aiming for a hard, no-nonsense, and gritty R to honor its predecessors. With that kind of attention to roots, we're assuming it will also be able to claim the inevitable 0 to 30 percent Rotten Tomatoes rating that the original series has managed to effortlessly maintain.
Gotham: The TV Show That Wonders What Batman Would Be Like Without Batman
Those Nolan films were pretty good, but at no point did they stop to ponder what Batman was like as a whiny little mope for extensive periods of time. Luckily, we have Gotham, an upcoming TV show entirely devoted to the only primary character who doesn't fling around, Detective Gordon.
All will be forgiven if, in the first episode, pre-Bane punches him and shouts, "Welcome to the G.C., bitch!"
As the new trailer outlines, we will marvel at not only the sight of a mourning rich child being avenged by a mustachioed gumshoe, but also all of the original villains as young versions of themselves, like a crossover episode of Muppet Babies. In other words, remember how cool it was to have a mysterious Joker with a shadowed backstory? Well, it turns out he just lived down the street, along with Catwoman, Poison Ivy, the Penguin, the Riddler, and Two-Face ... all of whom the show promises to feature. The end result? A Gotham filled with either the stupidest coincidences or the worst collection of parents ever to occupy a single geographic area.
Get Ready for a Bunch of Gritty Biblical Origin Stories
As far as biblical movies go, there are really only two options: Life of Brian or Ten Commandments. You either piss off religious groups or embrace them, but the one thing you don't do is completely rewrite a conviction that millions have spilled blood over the details of, right?
"Jesus Christ ..."
Or, you know, whatever. Turns out that along with comic books, video games, novels, and board games, the Bible isn't all that sacred either. Mary promises to be a "high action drama" co-written by the producer of Cabin Fever 2 that follows Jesus' mother as she fights under the reign of Herod the Great, who is going to be played by Ben Kingsley. The movie is already getting shit for hiring a nearly all British cast for a Middle Eastern setting, and it should be pissing you off sometime in 2015 on account that it's also a prequel for The Passion of the Christ.
And for anyone who wants to keep going after that, Jesus himself is getting an origin TV show written by David Franzoni that follows the "lost years" of his life from 13 to 30, effectively handing over the canon of the savior of millions to the dude who wrote Jumpin' Jack Flash.
What's next, a Pontius Pilate origin story starring Brad Pitt?
Actually, yes. That's exactly what's next.
The script, described as a "biblical era Twilight Zone episode," has already been written by up-and-coming romantic comedy writer Vera Blasi and follows Jesus' crucifixion from the perspective of a young Roman politician who gets in a little too far over his head when he ... *record scratch*
... murders God's only son!
While the entire thing sounds like Satan's Mad Lib, it's probably not as big of an affront to God as the aforementioned Smurfs movie.