So apparently the entire free world stopped this week to talk about Miley Cyrus's surreal sexual nightmare that played out before a nation that apparently couldn't believe just how truly skanked-out little miss Hannah Montana had become. It would be sad, even if it wasn't clearly a plot intended to distract the nation from the war in Syria.
But it's even sadder that everyone was so stunned by the sight of Miley in flesh-colored booty shorts at the MTV Video Music Awards that they didn't appreciate that it was one of the most high-concept deconstructions of psychosexual symbolism ever created. Think we're joking? Because it's all there, from the carefully chosen color of Robin Thicke's suit, to the strange obsession with butt stuff:
#4. There is Symbolism in the Color of the Bears
While teddy bears seem like an obvious choice for bizarre sexual juxtaposition, the actual execution went far beyond a gimmick. Our story begins when Miley steps out of a giant brown teddy bear with what appears to have either a Scott Summers or Geordi La Forge visor on -- both characters visually impaired.
So we start with the concept of an unseeing brown teddy bear, and in the world of both psychology and art, brown represents the color of stability and the comforts of home. Meaning that the singer has effectively stepped out of the canopy of childhood innocence and safety the moment her appearance begins, only to straddle it like some kind of weirdo on her way out ...
... and immediately step into crazy slut bear world. Specifically -- hot-pink bears. While pink is the color of romance, hot pink is usually sexuality, here combined with the symbols of childhood innocence. It's as if she is slipping from one to the other while still holding on to certain elements of both, as someone would during, say, puberty.
And boy is pink everywhere -- on her boobs, on the bears, and even the lights are flashing pink. The only place the pink isn't is on the other dancers -- who wear red, which just so happens to represent everything from danger, excitement, and shame to rejection, anger, and spirituality. All of the confusing emotions of those tumultuous years.
#3. The Buttocks Represent Both Lust And Deceit
Let's take a second to talk about Miley Cyrus' butt. No doubt the twerking was a little unsettling, as was her willingness to go full-faced into that strange lady's rear like some kind of special all-buttplay episode of Jackass. But experts in the subject know that the butt can be interpreted in dreams as either a sign of lust, or if misshapen, a sign of an undeveloped and wounded psyche. However kissing or sniffing of the butt represents a level of dishonesty -- and since we're seeing all of the above it's quite clear that the butt represents all of the confusion of teenage angst.
Look at the disjointed stripes on the pants -- a perfect representation of a young mind's desperate, failed attempt to find a pattern that will finally make sense of the world.
#2. Black and White is the Color Combo of Stubbornness and Depression
Black and white, of course, represents absolutes. To sniff an unnaturally large butt covered by the pattern is once again a sign of an undeveloped teenage brain embracing stubbornness, deceit, and, finally, depression -- another attribute to the black-and-white pattern in relation to dreams. This brings us once again to the idea that what we are seeing is, in fact, taking place within a dream. This theme continues to bleed over into the introduction of her co-singer, who just so happens to be wearing, you guessed it, a black-and-white suit.
Meanwhile, Miley wears a flesh-colored rubber diaper intended to make her appear nude. While being naked in a dream usually indicates a nightmare situation, being happily nude in public actually means a need to draw attention to one's self. As usual Robin Thicke is the one fully dressed while Miley mocks nudity -- and more importantly, she mocks proud, unabashed nudity as she begins to crotch the shit out of the openly lustful male. Now the ultimate symbolism starts to become clear.
#1. The Finger Represents Blame And Mockery
No doubt if you've watched the video you couldn't help but notice Miley's almost impulsive and lazy use of a stuck-out tongue like she was some kind of serpent with brain damage. But beside making her look like Venom, the symbolism of the outstretched tongue in terms of dreams means that she either has something she needs to express or feels the need to mock.
So it only makes sense that she would then stick a giant phallic pointing finger on her hand, as the accusing finger most likely represents blame, or shame on the part of the dreamer.
So the question is, whose dream is being represented here? Who would have the symbolic nightmare of Miley Cyrus emerging from the safety of childhood innocence into sexual curiosity and danger, then undeveloped turmoil followed by overt sexual rebellion? And who would imagine a pointing finger of blame saying, "You caused this"?
Like we said. Genius.