5 Insane Supervillain Schemes by Real Governments 5 Things Nobody Tells You About Breeding Endangered Animals 4 Lame Jokes You Start Telling as Soon as You Become a Dad

5 Tourists Who Managed to Be the Worst People In the World

Our world is filled with wonders, and -- if you're lucky enough to have some vacation days and some scratch for a plane ticket -- you too can become overwhelmed by the timeless beauty of ancient pieces of art and fantastical natural phenomena. And thankfully, some tourists deal with all of this mind-blowing wonder by just ruining said beauty forever with their greasy, fat tourist paws. (Whoops, did we say "thankfully"? We actually meant "fuckthosedudesfully.")

#5. Teenager Scratches His Name into Ancient Egyptian Temple

Back in May, a Chinese teenager named Ding Jinhao was touring an ancient Egyptian temple when he decided that the 3,000-year-old site was too boring for him and promptly resolved to spice it up by defacing the shit out of it. How do we know it was Ding Jinhao? Because he was smart enough to carve his own name into the wall.

China Daily
You know, for future generations.

Again, that's a 3,000-year-old temple. This piece of art managed to remain pretty much unchanged for three freaking millennia, surviving wars, invasions, and the brutal passage of time, only to be ruined by a bored 15-year-old (who probably went off to draw dicks on a mummy or something). See, this probably wouldn't have happened if his parents had just let him bring his DS and stayed at the hotel. Moral of the story: For the sake of humanity, don't educationally enrich your damn kids.

#4. Tourist Finds Extremely Rare Six-Legged Octopus, Eats It

American tourist/possible Bond villain Labros Hydras was out snorkeling in the waters of Greece when he came across a six-legged octopus. Hydras realized right away that this isn't something you encounter every day (in fact, it's only the second six-legged octopus ever found) ... so of course he fucking ate it.

SWNS
For the second course, he had fried dodo with a side of bald eagle tears.

It was only after he had ingested the "hexapus" that Hydras called his biologist friend and confirmed that, yes, what he'd be shitting out in a few hours was indeed an extremely rare animal -- which is exactly what a local chef who refused to cook it had told him. Hydras says he feels bad now, and the most tragic part is that according to him, "It tasted just like a normal octopus."

SWNS
At least he got a cool new Facebook profile photo out of it.

What a wholly depressing waste of fascinating marine life. Which brings us to our next entry ...

#3. Gleeful Beachgoers Pose for Photos With Dying Dolphin

And here's a news story that'll remind you that the human race is way overdue for a salubrious, species-cleansing, good ol' fashioned meteor strike. A group of tourists swimming at a beach in the Hainan region of China recently found an injured dolphin floating near the shore. The animal had likely been knocked astray after colliding with a watercraft. Upon discovering the wounded animal, the swimmers immediately contacted animal control authorities while comforting the cetacean as that Michael Jackson song from Free Willy suddenly resounded from the heavens.

At least that's what would've occurred if we lived in a reality that wasn't infuriatingly terrible. Instead, this happened:

YouTube
"Hey guys, it's like we're in a snuff film! Starring Flipper!"

Yes, instead of helping the suffering animal, these unequivocal shitheads lifted it out of the water like a sack of ocean potatoes and flexed muscle-beach style as the vitality steadily ebbed from its battered body. After getting some sweet snapshots to impress their buddies on Weibo, the dolphin then died, due to some combination of injuries, manhandling, and embarrassment of being seen in public with these schmucks.

YouTube
On the plus side, if hell does exist, these dudes are going there, and Satan is probably one big fiery dolphin.

#2. Man Breaks 600-Year-Old Statue's Finger While Trying to Measure It

While touring the Museo dell'Opera del Duomo in Florence, Italy, an unnamed tourist from Missouri accidentally snapped off the pinky finger of a 14th century statue. The man had a perfectly logical reason to manhandle the statue, though -- he was trying to measure the appendage.

MAURIZIO DEGL' INNOCENTI/EPA
Italy has since banned him from visiting Michelangelo's David.

Was he taking measurements to make his own statue at home? We'll never know. The good news is that, while the statue is 600 years old, the finger itself was much more recent -- meaning that some jackass in the Victorian era probably tried this before.

#1. Hitchhikers Spray Paint Ireland's World Famous Cliffs of Moher

For centuries, the Cliffs of Moher have been one of the most breathtaking sights in Ireland; they are a testament to the fact that people may come and go, but the majesty of nature remains.

Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images
They were also the bomb in The Princess Bride.

An impressive view, right? Well, two French hitchhikers felt that it would be greatly improved if it looked more like an inner-city garage door -- so they spray painted 8 feet worth of graffiti crapola all over the rocks.

David Olsthoorn / BBC
Immediately after they finished, a crack dealer materialized and someone got stabbed.

The vandalizing pair, who call themselves "Mama" and "Dirty Edoir," even uploaded a video on Vimeo (which has since been removed) as a guide on how to deface the Cliffs of Moher. Take a good look at the photo above, because a year from now the whole thing will probably look like a giant skate park.


Tired of cliche wizards and space opera? Check out XJ's $0.99 science-fiction/fantasy novella on Amazon here, with the sequel OUT NOW. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter, too.

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