By this point in the game, complaining about Hollywood's hard-on for reboots is so old hat that Hollywood probably has a reboot of your reboot complaints in the works. It takes particularly boneheaded details to warrant making fun of remakes anymore.
Luckily for us, the people behind these upcoming reboots have risen to the challenge.
#5. They're Inexplicably Rebooting Men in Black
Hey, you guys remember how awesome Men in Black was? How it struck a great balance between action, comedy, and (b)romance, like a sci-fi version of The Princess Bride? And you remember how, despite the fact that the movie ended in a way that perfectly wrapped up the story, you wanted them to remake the same movie, only with new people? Congratulations, all four of you are getting your wish! It turns out the cocaine pile at Sony Pictures was getting a bit small and they decided to give the MIB franchise a fresh take by redoing one-third of a series that isn't even old enough to buy cigarettes yet.
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Independence Day is already on two packs a day, unfiltered, sadly.
The script for the movie that nobody asked for (and everyone is actively asking against) will be written by Oren Uziel, who is best known for writing the script for 22 Jump Street (the sequel to an adaptation of a TV show) and the upcoming Mortal Kombat screenplay (a reboot of a franchise based on an adaptation of a video game), and neither Tommy Lee Jones nor Will Smith will be reprising their roles.
Jones' departure is expected, since they were out of ideas for how to shoehorn him back into the franchise (having already de-erased his character's memory in MIB 2 and then replaced him completely in MIB 3), but what about Will Smith? It can't be that hard to write another end-credits rap song, right? Well, despite the fact that MIB 3 raked in over $600 million, the studio hasn't been able to make much money on the franchise because Tommy Lee and Will demand such high salaries. With a reboot, they can still cash in on the series' goodwill while using cheaper actors to play the leads, so don't be surprised if Agents J and K mysteriously transform into Bow Wow and Tom Berenger.
#4. The Producers and Choreographers of The Raid Bring You The Raid
The premise of 2011 Indonesian action film The Raid sounds a bit like one of those locked-room Flash games: The protagonists must ascend 30 floors of an apartment building, only instead of inscrutable puzzles blocking their way, it's an entire compound of heavily armed criminals. There's probably some extra plot stuff we're glossing over, but all you need to know is that it's 90 minutes and 30 stories of shootin' and punchin' and stabbin' and 'splodin'.
And kickin' and neck breakin' and-
Despite already getting a Blu-ray release in the U.S., Sony has decided to reboot The Raid, because this is America, and we'll be goddamned if we're going to read subtitles while we watch a ballet of carnage. And this is not to be confused with The Raid 2, which is a sequel to The Raid, although we can see how that would be confusing, since The Raid the sequel and The Raid the reboot are going to be released a year apart, and both are being produced by the original production company, feature the original choreographers, and will have the original writer/director brought on as executive producer.
How is this easier than just re-dubbing the first movie, again?
#3. The New Live-Action Peter Pan Is Avoiding Racism by Making the Entire Cast White
Despite coming during the peak of Disney's Golden Age and being held up as a prime example of the genre, Peter Pan does have its unsavory aspects, too. Specifically, the scene in which three wealthy white kids (one of whom is wearing a goddamn top hat) are entertained by painfully racist caricatures of Native Americans singing a song about why all the stereotypes about them are accurate.
Still, in the upcoming live-action Peter Pan, you can keep the character of Tiger Lily and the Indians, just don't make it ... you know, so fucking racist. Director Joe Wright took this to heart by casting super white Rooney Mara as Tiger Lily. Naturally, the whitewashing accusations began to fly, but Wright assuaged concerns, stating that Neverland would be a veritable melting pot of ethnicities and nationalities, featuring white people from all over the world, like America ...
... Australia ...
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... and America!
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