Are you sick of the same tired-ass superhero movies? Are you already fatigued by the 2015 Fantastic Four reboot? Are you exasperated by the fact that Batman v. Superman looks like it has all the mirth and wonderment of a Transylvanian condom ad? Wouldn't it be great if Hollywood threw caution to the wind and just invented a new goddamn crime-fighter?
Well, you're in luck! Look no further than Falconman, the upcoming superhero film starring famous Francophones Jean-Claude Van Damme and Gerard Depardieu. Here's the poster -- it will tell you everything you need to know about falcons, men, men who resemble falcons, and Photoshop.
"My arch-nemesis is kerning."
But just in case that didn't convey the full story of Falconman -- aka aristocrat/falconer/wingsuit enthusiast/vintner Graf Horus von Falconstein -- we have devoted an entire article to the topic, which you began reading two paragraphs ago.
#4. Falconman Has the Greatest Origin Story of All Time
First off, Van Damme is not playing Falconman. (His role is "the leader of a terror group from nowhere land between Indonesia and the Philippines.") In fact, the Falconman website does not specify if anybody is playing Falconman, an omission that has led us to hypothesize that the role of Falconman is far too dramatic for any mortal.
This plot synopsis only corroborates our suspicions. For example, Falconman is the patron superhero for those with gambling addictions. And we quote:
The manipulation of sports betting in football, fashion, and Formula One is scaring everyone. FALCONMAN the new superhero better than Robin Hood saving the masses from losing all their money and falling into poverty and deprivation.
"You think I'm crazy? The innocent are betting on fashion shows. How does that even work?"
To fight evil, Falconstein aka Falconman leads Falconforce, a crack team of multinational falconers/models who falcon falcon falcon. Also, Falconman's bio notes that he is incompetent at managing vineyards. After all, this movie's not called Falcongrapes:
Horus is also the leader of a small security company which uses falcons and their trainers for surveillance and security, to protect airlines from pigeons and small events [...] The falcon breeding is now the big income bringer, as the wine assets are losing money.
"Sir, the falcons observed a modestly sized birthday party in the vicinity of Newark airport. We left no survivors."
But this is far from Falconman's most daring detail. No, that goes to his relationship with his prized falcon, Diva. Again, we quote:
Horus has to artificially inseminate Diva by putting a finger with bio engineered sperm into her. Thus Diva thinks Horus is her husband and father of her children.
How many superhero origin stories are brave enough to include a scene of the protagonist fingerblasting a bird of prey? Only Falconman is willing to go there. This is not unlike if, back in 1941, Captain America was pitched as a superhero who not only fought Nazis but also provided patriotic comfort to the thousands of war wives whose husbands were overseas. Had that happened, there would be no Avengers 2. No, there would only be Captain America CXXXII: Filibustering a Nut.
#3. Falconman Has the Greatest Concept Art of All Time
To truly capture the essence of a hero who is intimate with a raptor's sugar walls, the Falconman team has dreamt up a series of scene visualizations. They are masterworks, each one more challenging than the last. Behold a falcon knocking scalding water upon young Falconman ...
"Wait, shouldn't he hate falcons? Fuck it, I gave up my right to complain after paying $17 to see Transformers 4."
Falconforce thwarting terrorist hijackers with peregrine falcons, who burst out of an airplane's ventilation system ...
Falconman's secret tactic is to shove each of his 10 fingers into 10 angry falcons' cloacae and wear them,
like Wolverine's claws, only scarier.
A guest appearance by ScarJo ...
"Look! We put Black Widow in our concept art! Now you must add Falconman to the Avengers."
And finally, a pulse-pounding scene of Falconman rocketing off a cliff on a horse-drawn buggy while Falconforce bobs overhead like bees.
"Don't worry, these horses can fly. I taught them to be falcons by putting my fingers in their assholes."