We get why companies like to start shoving Christmas down our throats in early November instead of five days before it actually happens. But this year, Christmas is going to break into your house and kidnap your children.
Yes, businesses decided that they didn't want to wait until November, so they're starting Christmas season now. Brace yourselves, because we're already seeing signs that this now three-month-long holiday is upon us ...
#4. The Terrible Christmas Movie Specials Are Coming Early
Usually at this time of year we'd all be looking forward to such quality programming as A Halloween Puppy, or perhaps a rerun of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman Meets Bigfoot. You know, the kind of pandering one would expect for Satan's birthday.
We're starting to think this franchise may have overstayed its welcome.
This isn't an isolated incident -- a bunch of movies (mostly of the straight-to-DVD variety) are leapfrogging holiday competition by hitting stores around Columbus Day. There's also Scoot & Kassie's Christmas Adventure (a film featuring a hungry Luke Perry being overshadowed by a dog with a Santa hat), The Santa Switch (probably about a frivolous teen girl getting Freaky Friday'd with old Saint Nick), and Pete's Christmas (a Groundhog Day ripoff where a kid is stuck repeating Christmas over and over).
No word on if they keep the suicide montage.
Heck, there's even an actual trying-to-be-good movie starting Paul Giamatti and Paul Rudd as Christmas tree salesmen that is already in theaters. Yep, looks like the holiday-movie-churning factory has already turned its dial to the "Santa is kidnapped" setting. But at least we have some time before we're assaulted by terrible Christmas music, right?
#3. Christmas Music Is Already Everywhere
Wait, whoops, never mind. Do you like hearing Chuck Berry's "Run Rudolph Run" for the 16th time in an hour with a hangover while attempting to dodge children at the mall? Hope you do, because several radio stations in Central New York have officially changed their tune to sleigh bells and choirs as of the 5th of this month, an almost 30-day difference from previous years' November 1 switchover.
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"Surprise, motherfuckers! KICK IT!"
This isn't so shocking when you consider that October is now the month that all Christmas albums come out -- there's even a Bad Religion punk rock Christmas record we're getting on the 28th, and American Idol's Kelly Clarkson is going as Mrs. Claus for Halloween in support for her October 29 album, Wrapped in Red (which really ought to be referring to bloody gauze). Apparently the modern formula for a Christmas album is to put it out two months before snowfall to avoid the deluge, thus inflicting a second deluge.
So you might as well give up and head to the nearest mall to get your dose of Christmas cheer. And when you get there, you'll find they're quite prepared for you, because ...
#2. Black Friday and Cyber Monday Get Pushed Back Every Year
At this point, you won't be surprised to hear that Black Friday is being once more receded further into Thanksgiving, now starting around 7 p.m., because the best way to show that you're thankful for what you have is to trample a pregnant woman to get even more of it. But then there's Cyber Monday, the online shopping day that comes after Black Friday ... or in the case of Target, last freaking month.
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Don't look, but Cyber Monday is standing behind you right now.
Yep, at some point the retailers said "Fuck it, these things start when we say they do." Along with Target's early Cyber Monday, Walmart has begun its holiday layaway, and Toys "R" Us just went ahead and started Black Friday sales in their stores. This way, a night that used to live in dark legend will be stretched out for months like a dull wave of clamoring violence. Next year, Sears will no doubt be offering July Black Friday sales to anyone who brings in the most dog blood. And of course, where there's holiday sales, there's also ...
#1. You Bet Your Ass There's Decorations and Ads Already
As a result of all the alarming temporal anomalies we've detailed, stores everywhere are not only setting up Christmas trees two stores down from Spooky Bob's Halloween Outlet/Summer Storage Facility, but also selling decorations -- either the timestream is collapsing on itself and we're all going to die soon, or the stores really, really want you to start buying those presents right fucking now. In fact, according to one marketing poll, 49 percent of U.S. retailers will be launching their Christmas campaigns before Halloween, and 18 percent have been putting products out since June. Because Christmas comes early to those who fucking force it to.
Except less dead-eyed.
Their tag? "Don't let the holidays sneak up on you." Coming from Kmart, that's not an ad -- that's a goddamn threat.