Getting your house robbed may suck balls, but you can always take solace in the fact that while a thief took all of your precious shit, at least they left behind the important things, like sanity and reassurance that you live in a rational world. That isn't always the case.
What we're saying is this: The next time you come home to some dude with a pantyhose face bagging your Blu-ray player, shake his hand -- because at least you aren't coming home to something inexplicable, like ...
#4. A Plus-Size Orgy
We know what you're wondering: Do we mean "plus-size orgy" as in an orgy with a lot of guests or an orgy solely composed of plus-size people?
In the case of Manhattan resident Ari Teman, we actually mean both. Teman used Airbnb, a popular website that lets people rent out their apartment via a system of referrals and ratings. So when Teman saw a man named David with good renter reviews looking for a place to host his relatives for a family wedding, he probably figured it was a safe bet. What he didn't know was that David was the organizer of this delightful event:
Orgy Etiquette: If you're going to hold one at someone's home, it's polite to invite them.
That would be the Twitter invitation that resulted in an 18-person portly and proud orgy sandwich with Teman's apartment as the oily bread, something he got to see with his human eyes by coming home early to find frantic fuck-goers dismantling his furniture and throwing it in a back alley. Why? To "make more space" for plus-size nude bodies, of course. In all, Teman estimates they caused $87,000 in damages and infinity dollars in unseeable mental images.
The walls weren't white when he left.
#3. A Surprise Meth Lab
A neighbor seems like a pretty safe bet for a house-sitter, considering that you can always throw your neglected goldfish at their door if they screw up. That was probably the reasoning of a Missouri family when they went out of town, no doubt expecting the worst-case scenario would be a few unwashed beer cans and maybe a scratched DVD. They probably didn't imagine they'd come home and walk into a Breaking Bad rerun:
"If they'd just let us sell it, we could have paid for the damages."
It just so happens that their friendly house-sitter had the kind of habit that disabled any kind of long-term judgments, so when some of her friends asked if they could cook meth in the house, she apparently said "I don't see why not." And if you think it's just a matter of shooing off a few skinny meth heads with brooms, remember that meth fumes take a lot out of a house, so the entire first floor is being replaced thanks to the drug having been embedded as deep as her freaking plumbing.
#2. A Car Through Your Wall
When Jose and Tony Poole decided to go on vacation to the Canary Islands, they probably gave their soon-to-be-home-alone son the usual warnings about not hosting any big parties and not letting any cars crash through their newly renovated kitchen. Sadly, the kid only made good on one of those promises.
"No, I'm pretty sure that was there when you guys left."
Not that he could have done much to stop it -- it was a neighbor who accidentally car-punched the house, the ensuing damage hilariously pulverizing the Pooles' fresh renovation like a cartoon rabbit knocking over a sand castle. And since the car is now structurally imperative to holding up the shambles it created, the returning parents got to witness firsthand exactly what a kitchen sink looks like embedded in a tire.
But hey, at least they're getting a free hotel stay out of this. Double vacation!
#1. All of Your Worldly Possessions, Gone
Picture coming home after a long day at work and hanging your coat on the rack, only to find there's no rack. In fact, there's no nothing, because it's all gone, like you never lived there in the first place. That was the existential nightmare an IT employee in New York recently walked into when he returned to his apartment to find that every scrap of his life had evaporated into thin air. Not just the good stuff -- everything, from personal photographs to the contents of his sink.
"Well, at least I don't have to do the dishes."
Assuming he had been struck by the most obsessive-compulsive thief imaginable, our hero did what any of us would do and called the cops ... whose reaction was to laugh their asses off, because they'd never seen anything like this.
The mystery was finally solved when his landlord admitted that he had called a cleaning crew to remove and destroy the belongings of another apartment, boiling down the obliteration of his entire material existence to some guy mistaking the letter "D" for the letter "B."