The stereotype goes that when it comes to sex, men are as simple-minded as dogs. ("Come on, we all know guys are only after one thing!") Well, as someone with a few years' experience as a dominatrix and phone sex operator, I'm here to tell you that could not possibly be more wrong. Male desire ranges from the merely kinky to the incredibly bizarre, and men are often so tortured by it that they're not comfortable talking to anyone about it -- not their closest friends, and certainly not their wives.
But they are comfortable talking to me, and here's what I've found over the years ...
5 Certain Fantasies Are Way, Way More Common Than You'd Think
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Before becoming a professional phone sex operator and in-person ball crusher, I knew that men thought about sex a lot -- but I didn't realize just how deep and creative their fantasies could be. Inside every pervert beats the heart of a Tolstoy.
And sometimes they want to be beat with War and Peace.
Phone sex isn't cheap, at least good phone sex isn't, and in-person dom sessions can at the high end cost as much as a used car. So the vast majority of my clientele are upper-middle-class guys in their 40s to 60s -- I have a slew of doctors, lawyers, professors, business executives, and even a minister or two, all of whom have elaborate fantasy worlds they seem to use as a kind of relief valve to alleviate some of the stress of their high-power positions. I'm just the Sherpa that guides them through their kink.
For instance, one thing that hit me about this job is the insane amount of men who fantasize about being feminized and humiliated, or forced to cross dress. Men cross-dress for a ton of different reasons, but the most surprising thing is just how incredibly common it is. In my daily life, I find myself looking at guys' asses to check for panty lines. And I find them, constantly.
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"Boyshorts, dude. Support and concealment."
I'd also say about 75 percent of my callers have homosexual-type fantasies, a lot of whom hate that they have them. I had a caller the other day get freaked out that he was getting so turned on by the thought of getting down on his knees and sucking his girlfriend's (fantasy) cock. He hung up, then called back to apologize. I had to tell him that fantasizing about a dick in your mouth doesn't necessarily make you gay ("Honey, calm down. Most cultures consider the phallus a symbol of power. You may just get really turned on about submitting to your girlfriend").
If that makes it sound like what I do is more a form of therapy than a sexual outlet, well, it's both. But we'll come back to that in a moment ...
4 The Fetishes Often Have Shockingly Little to Do With Sex
When you think of phone sex, you probably imagine a woman's breathy voice saying that she's lying on her bed, wearing her favorite black lace lingerie, and that you sound so hot she just has to touch herself. After that, you get a soundtrack to your wank session composed of moaning and her telling you what a stud you are.
In real life, not so much. I've found most guys would rather watch free porn than spend $1.99 per minute for something so mundane (thanks Internet), so the guys who call me are looking for ... something a little different.
"You're a fuck dragon; your name is Falcor. I start scratching you behind your ear ..."
Like the shrinking fetishists. That's a really common phone fantasy -- they like me to describe them shrinking down to about an inch in height, give or take, then picking them up, dropping them in the toilet, and flushing them away. Then there's the vore guys (as in "carnivore") -- guys who fantasize about being eaten. I have one who likes me to describe how I will truss him up, put him in a big roasting pan (complete with chopped-up carrots, potatoes, celery, and onions), sprinkle him with salt and pepper (he always manages to sneeze for me when we get to that part), baste him in butter ("Ohhh it's sooo slippery isn't it, having that butter drip all over your body ..."), and pop him in the oven (at 450 degrees).
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Slow and low at 275 if it's payday.
Sometimes I get to play a more traditional sex icon, like with the guy who likes me to be dressed as a Playboy bunny ... then magically turn him into a carrot, use the carrot as a dildo, and eat him (the grossest part is he wants me to dip him in ranch dressing to eat ... I hate ranch). And it's my job to walk him through it, in extreme detail. "Close your eyes. I want you to feel the tips of your fingers getting longer, your legs merge together, an orange tinge comes to your skin, your hair gets leafy."
"Rinse me, but don't peel ... leave it a little dirty ..."
Then there are the looners (as in "balloon fetishists," not "lunatics"). They like to hear balloons being blown up and popped. That's it -- I have taken calls on my cellphone while walking into a store, buying a 100 pack of balloons, sitting in my car blowing them up, then popping them. All of them.
In real life I always use a condom.
And then there's the yak guy. He just wants me to carry on our conversation in the language of the yak people. We talk about the weather, sports, news, music, and movies all in a made-up yak language. It's hard to find somebody who'll play along with something like that, without judging, or getting weirded out. That's why I have a job.
Some of these fetishes I understand, some I don't -- I understand how the endorphin rush of pain might turn someone on (it doesn't do anything for me, personally). Ditto the guys who like the hardcore degradation -- physical and emotional pain is felt by the same part of the brain. But the truth is, whether they use the word "paraphilia," "fetish," or "interest," scientists are only just starting to catalog the vast, weird (moist) panoply of desire.