Think about that -- all that time, and all that money, working through men's sexual fantasies, and there's never any actual nudity or actual sex. I'm just helping people act on the sexual fantasies in their mind, involving fetishes so specific and peculiar they'd never naturally come across another person who shares them. Which again brings us around to the real reason I stay so busy ...
For Many Guys, This Is the Therapy They're Not Getting Elsewhere
Jacob Ammentorp Lund/iStock/Getty Images
You'd be surprised how much time I spend talking to my clients. Well, obviously, but I mean talking. You know the kind of talking the stereotypical girlfriends of the world always want. Emotional support is a much bigger aspect of the job than you'd expect. Not only do I have to get the guys off, I have to then assure them afterward that they aren't weird.
Keep in mind sometimes they have just instructed me to tell them the exact opposite.
That's why I work really hard on trying to understand the fetishes my clients have. For balloon popping, it's the anticipation; for the shrinking guys, it's the loss of power; for the yak guy ... actually I haven't figured that one out yet. Psychotherapists are starting to recognize the value sex work can play in therapy, though. Australia's currently gripped in a debate over whether or not their national disability insurance should cover "sex surrogates" (if you're interested, there's a documentary called Scarlet Road you should watch).
I've had guys who were coming out to their family who came to me first for support, to get pumped up. I've had a guy stop in the middle of a call and start crying, because he missed his ex-wife and needed to talk about it. I've given relationship advice -- hell I have even checked out guys' online dating profiles so I could give them pointers from a woman's perspective.
"Don't mention produce or bovine animals until at least the fifth date."
I actually had one client who was into extreme humiliation -- he was black, and racial degradation was his particular turn-on. I got so hard on him during one session that he broke down and started crying. I wound up learning that he'd grown up in a very strict household, where men weren't allowed to show emotion. Our session was the first time he'd ever broken down and cried about all of the horrible stuff he'd encountered as a kid. Getting that emotional release helped him deal with some demons. He never did another session with me, but he thanked me by email afterward, and now every week for the last few years he's sent me a $100 check as thanks.
Robert Evans's first book, A Brief History of Vice, is available for pre-order now!
Always on the go but can't get enough of Cracked? We have an Android app and iOS reader for you to pick from so you never miss another article.
Related Reading: Still feeling sexy? We wrote an article with an actual real-life prostitute to make that feeling better, uh, informed. We also talked to a cop about his crazy stories, because Cracked listens to BOTH sides of the law. If you'd like to get pissed off, take a look inside the Troubled Teen industry. And if you've got a story to share with Cracked, you can tell it here.