Marvel Studios recently announced the release dates for nine upcoming movies and their respective titles, but let's face it: They could name their next film Marvel's Something and us nerds would still line up for two hours to see it. Combined with the already announced Avengers 2 and Ant-Man, that's 11 freaking Marvel movies coming to assault our eyeballs before the next decade begins.
In the past, the House of Ideas has delighted and surprised us with four movies that end with epic sky battles, three villains who tricked the heroes by intentionally getting caught, and more Samuel L. Jackson than science thought possible (plus other weirdly specific things that happen in every movie). Based on that information and my ever-increasing psychic ability, here are my synopses of Marvel's movies up to the year 2019 ... because that's when the Large Hadron Collider kills ev- I've said too much. Ignore that. Let's get started, True Believer!
11Avengers 2: Age of Ultron (May 1, 2015)
Earth's mightiest heroes (Iron Man, Thor, Harry Dean Stanton, etc.) must once again band together to answer the ultimate question: How old is Ultron? Also, who is Ultron, again? A Google search performed by the Hulk (he keeps breaking the keyboards, so this takes half the movie) reveals that Ultron is 47 and some type of mouth-breathing robot.
"FOOL MORTAL! FOR A MERE $100 MORE YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN ULTRON 6S!"
The Avengers defeat Ultron, but ... surprise! Ultron was Loki in disguise! Yes, for once Loki is the villain of this Marvel thing! Being defeated was part of his plan, which somehow leads to a sky battle with some aliens over, let's say, New Jersey. The stakes have never been this high for Marvel's heroes, except for all those other times when the stakes were exactly this high. In another unexpected plot twist, Thor removes his shirt and it turns out he's totally ripped -- so much so that Ultron/Loki's circuits overload from all the hotness, and he's not even a real robot.
"Those words are as follows. Ham. Shoe. Elbow. Funky. And corn."
Oh, yeah, there's a post-credits scene with Hawkeye, Black Widow, Quicksilver, and everyone else I've forgotten, eating off the dollar menu at Burger King.
10Ant-Man (July 17, 2015)
Paul Rudd plays Ant-Man, the Marvel superhero with the power to shrink to the size of an ant! When the movie starts, Ant-Man is going through devastating depression, on account of what I said in the previous sentence. All the mocking he gets for his powers have turned him into a bitter, insensitive person -- a cold dick, if you will. A cold, tiny dick. His life changes, however, when he meets an Internet commenter who politely informs him that, actually, in the comics Ant-Man also has the power to grow giant.
ANT-MAN: "Really? What else am I known for in the comics?"
COMMENTER: "Uh ..."
"Your ... excellent fashion sense?"
Ant-Man's popularity grows as he discovers his new powers, but then ... betrayal! Turns out that his wife, Janet (Tom Hiddleston), was actually Loki in disguise all along! Everything that has happened so far is part of Loki's master plan. Ant-Man heroically defeats the wicked villain by punching the shit out of her before she can revert to her male form.
Wait, is this Ant-Man or Sling Blade?
Rudd's career never recovers.