5 Superhero Movie Scenes They'll Never Let You See
It's a tricky business adapting comic books to film. The screenwriter has the unenviable task of cramming decades of backstory into two hours, and difficult decisions have to be made.
These cuts, however, are not the difficult ones. Here are five story lines from upcoming comic book films that the studio won't let within a thousand miles of the screen.
#5.
The Incredible Hulk Nearly Gets Man-Raped
In this 2008 sequel/reboot of Ang Lee's Hulk, Bruce Banner (played by Edward Norton) attempts to keep his anger in check while accosted by the US government and his archenemy, the Abomination (Tim Roth). Previews indicate they have figured out what the first film did wrong, and set about doing completely different things wrong.
What We Probably Won't See:
How about this little vignette from '80s Hulk #23 in which Bruce Banner attempts to keep his anger in check while being accosted by two marauding homosexuals at the YMCA.
Evidently, Luellen and Dewey here aren't the friendly dudes the Village People sang about, so Bruce Banner has to think fast! In comic books, as in life, honesty is always the best policy:
We readers may laugh at Dewey's naivety, but remember, when you live in the Marvel universe, you run into crazy shit every day. You never know when you'll spot Galactus at the Cinnabon or catch the Juggernaut stealing your mail. And not even the most depraved locker room rapist will feel good about himself the next day knowing he anally violated, say, Captain America.
So better safe than sorry. If the guy says he's a superhero, just walk away.
#4.
The Submissive Wonder Woman
A live-action Wonder Woman film has been in the works since 2001, but is currently on hold until the Justice League film finishes production in 2009. Australian supermodel Megan Gale is rumored to be the babe behind the bullet-proof bustier in what seems destined to be an unavoidably terrible movie.
Before we go any further, if you think we're going to pull a bunch of Wonder Woman panels out of context and mock her as some kind of bondage-loving super-lesbian ...
... you're wrong, because they're not out of context. Wonder Woman was created in 1941 by psychologist Dr. William Marston, who believed that bondage had a leveling effect on gender relationships. We're thinking his bedroom saw its share of Wonder Woman costumes over the years.
But still, that would hardly fit under the category of things we "won't see," because we're actually guessing you will see at least one hot woman get tied up on screen, if not several. Hell, Catwoman has nothing going for her but fetishism, and the studios didn't hesitate to write the check for that one.
What We Probably Won't See:The film will likely not give us the early version of Wonder Woman, who was the kind of cringe-worthy, air-headed stereotype that was still acceptable in the '40s.
In fact, when Wonder Woman first appeared as a member of The Justice Society in 1941, the group made her their secretary (we're not kidding).
It was years before Wonder Woman got revamped as a badass feminist hero. So if they ever do a "back to its roots" reboot on this franchise, we're guessing they won't go all the way back.
Wonders indeed, Wonder Woman. Wonders indeed.
#3.
Ant-Man Has a Way With the Ladies
This dinky superhero fought alongside Captain America, Iron Man and the Hulk as member of Marvel Comics' premier super team, The Avengers. Ant-Man's powers unsurprisingly revolved around ants. He could shrink to the size of an ant, communicate with ants, and wore a chrome hat that sort of made his head look like an ant's head. OK, it's not the greatest idea for a superhero.
Director Edgar Wright (Hot Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead) recently announced that he has completed a first draft of an Ant-Man feature film. If Simon Pegg isn't tapped to fill those tiny ant-pants, we'll eat our hats.
What We Probably Won't See:
Ant-Man's arch-nemesis was curiously existential. Instead of battling the Orkin Man or a pair of size 10 Keds or something, Ant-Man (who in real life was scientist Henry Pym) constantly grappled with his own insecurities. Such a small man complex is to be expected when A) you have shrinking powers and B) you hang out with the Hulk, whose penis is the size of a fire extinguisher.
Rather than drown his sorrows in alcohol (like Iron Man) or an endless supply of nubile tail (like Wolverine), Pym dealt with his self-esteem problems in the least superheroic way possible: he beat his wife.
Mind you, the "Ant-Man is a spousal abuser" subplot was not something future writers ignored--it became the hallmark of the Ant-Man character, so much so that when The Avengers were relaunched as The Ultimates in 2002, Ant-Man was still doing the Ralph Kramden routine:
On the other hand, Ant-Man's marital bliss was pretty damn disconcerting too. Feast your eyes on this tableau from Avengers #71:
See those droplets dappling Ant-Man's skin? That ain't royal jelly, kids.
They made a Tintin movie just recently, so I guess a director comitted hollywood suicide
ReplyWhat are you, an idiot? The article states that they should stay away from some of the questionable material from the earlier comics to avoid career suicide. It clearly states that the film IS being made, and of course that was true.
quick question about ant man. just how does an ant f*ck? who thought this was a good idea?
Reply#2 Outright Gay bashing? Way to celebrate the violent murder Gays.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesExactly which part do you mean? Why are out of the closet fags so sensitive? Bunch of fags.
@Syn You seem pretty high & mighty for someone whose username is a misspelling of sin.
I think you missed the point. There wasn't any gaybashing. The only thing he said about gays was 'we're not ready for it'. It was gay robot-loving beastial crainiophilic bashing.
Gay bashing? Seriously? Come on, the only thing it said was against bestiality. Chill it. Oh, and this is coming from a pansexual genderqueer; just so you know.
Now that I read this, I wonder...was that the REAL story behind Mojo Jojo?
ReplyOld news but there's a Tin Tin movie in production. It might even be in post preduction now.
ReplyThat would be Tintin, not Tin Tin. Tin Tin was a female character from the Thunderbirds. Just saying.
No.1 just raped my already tainted childhood...
ReplyWell in regards to #2, it hardly matters that Mallah and the Brain died in whereever that scene is from. I say this because in the Doom Patrol scene you show just above it, they kiss and then die as the robot body self-destructs blowing them into shrapnel and ape-chunks that rain around the room. It was years later that they reappeared but they did and most likely will again.
ReplyWonderful. Now will never be able to read another comic book without imagining the sexcapades of Ant-Man and the Wasp.
ReplyDamn, if only Spielberg could combine Tintin's Russian episode with the African one & create a kind of super hybrid of an offensive movie, it could be so refreshingly awesome, racial vilification & violence could really spice up the bland homogenized pixar style cgi boredom.
Replyman-rape...isn't that just known as rape?
ReplyYep, but man-rape sounds funnier.
Fill a rhino with gunpowder and detonate it? Why, that's f**king AWESOME!!
ReplyWhy, you're lucky peta hasn't blown your head off already!
Who the hell names their son "Luellen?" Of COURSE he's going to grow up to be a criminal!
ReplyA GAY criminal, no less! :)
Criminal or not, he's going to be a douchebag.
Oh my god, I think I have a crush on Ant-Man.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesHe's single now! But sadly still fictional. Wait until they make the movie, and see who they cast as Pym.
Really? You have a crush on the superhero who only has the powers to b***h slap you or to shrink down and use your vag as a sleeping bag on chilly nights?
Girl, I was thinking the same thing,LOL!
Galactus at the CinnaBon and Juggernaut stealing your mail... f**king classic. For some reason those images were not hard to imagine.
ReplyIsn't royal jelly just for bees, not ants?
Replyif it matters any, the wife is the Wasp or something
When you said "monkey- f**king robot," I thought, " oh God, it was Robot Man. That big metal bastard just took Mallah and bent him over a table and gave him a rousing butt-raping."
ReplyI can't say I'm all that happy for the reality, really.
I like the way Bruce Banner said specifically that the Hulk can crush steel BALLS in his bare hands.
ReplyMe too. Bruce Banner/Hulk deep down straight up badass!
Yes, they treated Wonder Woman pretty shabbily in the early Justice Society, but there were some pretty good stories in the early Wonder Woman/Sensation Comics, especially once Marston got past the reverse stereotype of having WW rescue Steve Trevor every time he got in trouble.
ReplyThey probably won't make Tintin in the Land of the Soviets, either (it was the first Tintin story). But there's quite a few things they *could* do with Tintin, if they want to.
ReplyMeh, the Doom Patrol were never as popular as the Fantastic Four, and thus, have been *radically* re-invented at least two times that I know of, if not more. Any movie based on DP will probably bear little resemblance to any of the Doom Patrol comics that I enjoyed reading.
So it would follow the trend of those that came before it and say, f**k it we paid for the rights we'll do what we want with it.
Antman hit his wife ONCE in normal universe, in the ultimates he lost his flipping mind first hit her and THEN SPRAYED HER WITH BUG SPRAY THEN HAD AN ARMY OF ANTS ATTACK HER. The original universe hank has never lived it down though he's only hit her once, which is unacceptable but everyone makes that his key thing, not making ULTRON! or discovering particles that can make you grow and or shrink but hitting is wife once.
Replysorry any man who hits his wife once is only EVER remembered for that... no matter where... lol
Hank had just come back from brainwashing. Unlike real life spouse abusers, this really was to be a one-time thing and NOT something that was integral to his personality. I'm not saying it should be forgotten, but it isn't something that should be woven into his character. Even though it was.