5 Upcoming Comic Book Movies That Must Be Stopped

In light of the recent surplus of blockbusting superhero films all but guaranteeing monstrous studio revenue, Hollywood has hit the ground running and greenlit every script featuring a violent man in his underwear from Captain Marvel to your drunken father on Thanksgiving.

Yet, for every Batman Begins that graces the theaters, there are 10 useless men in spandex lined up for the next few years. Here are five of the next big-budget superhero films currently in production that simply should not be.

Sub-Mariner

The Movie:
Coming around 2010, directed by Chris Columbus (Link).

Who is He?
Namor: The Sub-Mariner (which, technically, is his full title in case upon meeting him you happened to overlook the scaly G-string and stench of vagina in the room, and thus were incapable of deducing that Namor might be Sub-Marine in nature) was one of the very first superheroes, debuting in 1939. His powers are roughly equivalent to that of a jacked-up Aquaman, a character most famous for being ridiculously useless.

Namor was the bastard offspring of a ship's captain and a member of a secret undersea race. We might be tempted to call him a mermaid, but the comic book insists he is technically "Homo Mermanus." A piece of advice for budding comic book writers, if you'd like to avoid cheap gay jokes at your hero's expense, perhaps including the words "homo" and "anus" in your character's scientific classification is a bad idea.

Namor has pointy Spock ears, can communicate with aquatic life, breathe underwater, possesses an enhanced physique to deal with the high pressure depths and, of course, has the obligatory tiny wings on his ankles that enable him to fly.

What's that you say? That last one seems a little out of place? Why would an aquatically themed superhero flit about on delicate little calf-wings? According to the creators: Fuck you, that's why.

Previous Notable Appearances on Film:

This is from the Namor cartoon they did back in the 60s. Hopefully, they'll keep it's awesome theme song for the film. Also, watch the beginning to see the look of mild annoyance on the squid's face when the Sub-Mariner goes swishing by. You'll find yourself displaying similar annoyance a few years from now after you waste 10 fucking dollars on a shitty movie about Namor.

Why Fanboys Are Excited:
Writing the script is David Self, who adapted Road to Perdition from a graphic novel into an excellent screenplay. Signed on to direct is Chris Columbus, who directed the first two Harry Potter movies, where he proved himself at least competent at adapting the spirit of a work for film (though seemed to have difficulty with the effects).

There is also a fair amount of depth in the material (a pun which was almost worth the punch in the face we had to give ourselves for making it) in that early Namor was anything but the typical super-being. He was an arrogant, misogynistic, anti hero who would destroy entire cities just to get a little tail. He was the first comic book super-man to show real human fault. Maybe Namor will have the kind of moral complexity that Tom Hanks' character had in Perdition.

Why Fanboys Will Be Disappointed:
Also unlike most superheroes, Namor was wholly unimpressive and horribly ineffective in matters that weren't immediately fish-specific. So, while Namor may not be as likeable as, say, Spider-Man, he also isn't as useful in battle as, say, Spider-Man. Further, If Hanks' character in Perdition had been outfitted with a chafing man-bikini and a pair of dainty foot-wings, he would have been just as impossible to take seriously as Namor will be. Not every single comic book character can be translated to film without looking ridiculous. Here, we have a character whose costume is mostly an aquamarine thong made out of fish scales.

Considering the exaggerated, dynamic poses and action shots that are the hallmark of modern big budget superhero flicks, it is highly probable you will spend roughly an hour and a half staring up at a giant green taint with the occasional slippage of wet side-testicle.

265 Comments

seaniepanst

JESUS PENT-UP HOMOSEXUAL UGERS CHRIST! You have more gay jokes than the movie bird cage don't ya? Once more do you damned research. Thor was never arrogant. Yes odin sent him to live among mortals to teach him humility but never because he was arrogant. His mortal form isn't dead either.

Posted on 5/7/2008 10:17:08 AM

Speaking of not doing your homework; some one should really look up the histroy and powers of Namor McKenzie. His superhuman abilaties far surpass what you had listed, and he has kicked ass in water, land, Space, Other dimensions, and even in canada. As a comic book nerd I love it when Comics are poked fun at. Without researching you quibs they loose their humor. Summerization: you suck at your job

Posted on 5/7/2008 10:06:43 AM

lewisde

Could it be the author of these articles didn't do their homework? Captain Marvel was created in the Fawcett Comic Universe back in the early 1940's. It was an answer to National Periodic's (DC) Superman, BUT HE IS ENTIRELY A DIFFERENT CHARACTER! He even outsold Superman with his own label and with WHIZ COMICS. That is until DC sued Fawcett to have them stop printing. The Captain Marvel in the Marvel Universe is a totally different character himself and has nothing to do with this movie. This Movie will work because of every young boy and young boy at heart wants to be able to fly or be a superhero. In this character, a boy (Billy Batson)gets to live that dream.

Posted on 5/6/2008 8:25:48 PM

AdamaGeist

It's not so much the fact that he's a Superman ripoff, which he so blatently is. Or the fact that he realy only exists because someone thought it would be cool to claim that Kirby made a Marvel Superman back in the old days, because that might have been plausable. No, it's the fact that the actual cool factor, the split personality and duality issues of the character have already been stripped out of him so that they can have him show up on the pro-registration side of Civil War. If they did a Sentry movie, based only on the Sentry himself, that might be valid, and very interesting. But the presentation of him as a retconned in hero kinda killed it for me. It made far too many heroes look idiotic when he was forced into their histories.

Posted on 5/6/2008 6:54:12 PM

Yorak

AdamaGeist, you kinda beat me to the whole "Hyperion / Squadron Supreme" thing would make a potentially kickass movie. I disagree about the Sentry, though. In terms of what he can do, yeah, he's a Superman ripoff. Where he differs the most is in personality. Rather than Superman's boyscout personality, the Sentry is a total headcase who's plagued with self-doubt, afraid to use his power and is never sure if anything going on around him is actually real. THAT'S what would make it an interesting movie.

Posted on 5/5/2008 10:02:21 PM

joyce20086

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Posted on 5/4/2008 6:58:38 PM

The Sentry. The SENTRY. That post-ironic fanfictony piece of retcon-garbage. You actualy think it's a good idea to take Marvel's second Superman clone and base a movie off of him? Supreme, that's post-ironic content I could like. And Hyperion, Marvel's first attempt at a Superman rip-off had a damn decent storyline to him, even in his 'Ultimates' version. But SENTRY? Gah, that's the worst piece of fannish crap Marvel created until Marvel Zombies came out.

Posted on 5/4/2008 5:47:02 PM

reddred161

honestly robert ur humor is fantastic, i laughed my a** off reading this article. very, very good work!!

Posted on 5/3/2008 3:41:25 PM

Namorgasm

*peers at comments* Lobo wrecking shit would indeed make an awesome movie. Still, Namor is not gay. He's just from a different era. It's as unfair as calling any other old superhero gay, including, yes, Batman for things that were perfectly acceptable at the time. And anyways, post Civil War Namor wears full armor, pretty much, so it's not entirely guaranteed he'll be wearing the speedo in the movie, especially if they push the antihero aspect.

Posted on 5/2/2008 8:06:19 AM

Mudskipp

The problem is, these adaptations are chosen based on nostalgic effect. Regardless of how uncool some superheroes might be, if they're retro they'll be made out of respect. But fuck that. The best superhero movie ever would be the one with Lobo wrecking shit and being a dick. Why one doesn't exist yet utterly baffles me.

Posted on 5/2/2008 2:37:29 AM

The Namor YouTube video seems to have been removed, but here's a link to the awesome opening theme (which I, too, really hope they keep): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWcPp6B8FXE

Posted on 4/17/2008 10:34:29 PM

billvang20086

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Posted on 4/17/2008 7:44:41 PM

Ranger

I read on the IMDB 'Iron Man' boards that this guy offerd up half his salary to play the lead. But they had already chosen Robert 'snort king' Downey Jr. behind closed doors: http://imdb.com/name/nm1292175/

Posted on 4/17/2008 12:37:13 AM

Green Lantern is a perfect character for the big screen (all agreed...if done 'right'). So much potential there.

Posted on 4/17/2008 12:35:11 AM

I couldn't imagine Prince Namor's 'vagina' stenching ala vagina with all the swimming he does (granted...he doesn't swim feet first now, does he?!). But yeah...maybe a stench. He does swim with all the fish. Hmmm...I'm going to sit for a bit and ponder this... Meanwhile... review this (won't you?!): http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=23&sku=E-CD00263

Posted on 4/17/2008 12:34:00 AM

A movie about The Sentry could be seriously awesome. As for Namor, while he is a badass, I can't see a movie being done about him. What's his compelling origin story? Who's his archnemesis?

Posted on 4/16/2008 1:36:13 PM

dannihilation

man why do they do it!! like when some dipstick somewhere thought wow, daredevil really flopped at the box office and had dodgy fx and no one liked it..... why don't we make electra too!!! honestly Namor!!! that's gonna be beyond bad!! they should make a movie about the sentry! guy with the power of a million exploding suns (whatever that means) but he's a paranoid schizophrenic with split personality syndrome, now that's gotta be sweet!!!

Posted on 4/14/2008 2:38:30 PM