5 Upcoming Comic Book Movies That Must Be Stopped
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In light of the recent surplus of blockbusting superhero films all but guaranteeing monstrous studio revenue, Hollywood has hit the ground running and greenlit every script featuring a violent man in his underwear from Captain Marvel to your drunken father on Thanksgiving. Yet, for every Batman Begins that graces the theaters, there are 10 useless men in spandex lined up for the next few years. Here are five of the next big-budget superhero films currently in production that simply should not be. Sub-Mariner
The Movie:
Who is He?
Namor was the bastard offspring of a ship's captain and a member of a secret undersea race. We might be tempted to call him a mermaid, but the comic book insists he is technically "Homo Mermanus." A piece of advice for budding comic book writers, if you'd like to avoid cheap gay jokes at your hero's expense, perhaps including the words "homo" and "anus" in your character's scientific classification is a bad idea. Namor has pointy Spock ears, can communicate with aquatic life, breathe underwater, possesses an enhanced physique to deal with the high pressure depths and, of course, has the obligatory tiny wings on his ankles that enable him to fly.
What's that you say? That last one seems a little out of place? Why would an aquatically themed superhero flit about on delicate little calf-wings? According to the creators: Fuck you, that's why. Previous Notable Appearances on Film: This is from the Namor cartoon they did back in the 60s. Hopefully, they'll keep it's awesome theme song for the film. Also, watch the beginning to see the look of mild annoyance on the squid's face when the Sub-Mariner goes swishing by. You'll find yourself displaying similar annoyance a few years from now after you waste 10 fucking dollars on a shitty movie about Namor.
Why Fanboys Are Excited:
There is also a fair amount of depth in the material (a pun which was almost worth the punch in the face we had to give ourselves for making it) in that early Namor was anything but the typical super-being. He was an arrogant, misogynistic, anti hero who would destroy entire cities just to get a little tail. He was the first comic book super-man to show real human fault. Maybe Namor will have the kind of moral complexity that Tom Hanks' character had in Perdition.
Why Fanboys Will Be Disappointed:
Considering the exaggerated, dynamic poses and action shots that are the hallmark of modern big budget superhero flicks, it is highly probable you will spend roughly an hour and a half staring up at a giant green taint with the occasional slippage of wet side-testicle. |
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First, when you learn what h2o stands for then we can talk about the whole air thing. Second namor has no weakness to air, in fact the longer you keep him out of the water the more imbalanced he gets, so as much as i like spiderman, he would go from fighting a namor that would just try to knock him out, to a namor who would more than likely rip off his head and mail it to mary jane. Now if he was dehydrated, you might have something, but lets face it if you can rip a submarine in half finding a cup of water to drink shouldn't be hard, thanks for trying though....
I'm fine with all the other heroes except Green Lantern. Current Lantern's don't really have a weakness to yellow anymore except for rookies and the recent Geoff Johns reboot has made Hal Jordan much more badass. Now he makes giant planes and stuff that ram into bad guys.
i find this quite funny. not the article(thou that was funny too) but all the comic nerds basically trying to kill people over the internet. lol
i lik comics...i think everyone likes or has liked comics at one point so why are u making urselves out to be someone who would c*m their pants at the sight of a new comic... get a grip.
plus submariner is the most pathetic hero ever. period
@melfoolwha
You have high hopes for a super hero whose weakness is air? The most abundant thing on earth not in water?
Well good luck then. You know, I hope they build another superhero fighting game like MK vs. DC. We can play if you want to. You can choose Namor, and I can choose, I don't know, lets say spiderman. Then I can spend the entire match feeding your character spider balls while he gasps for air(water)! It'll be a grand ol' time!
"...we would like for you to notice his "metal headband," which upon close inspection is actually a little girl's costume Tiara worn upside down.
This, combined with the canary-yellow blouse and navy blue stretch pants, leads us to believe that while the streets may be safer thanks to Cage, somewhere in Brooklyn there is a sad, pre-teen girl who is trying to find her Halloween costume."
These paragraphs made me lol really hard.
The most wonderfullest thing about Luke Cage, (Black) Power Man, is that Doctor Doom owes him $200 and won't pay up. If that's not in the movie then forget it.
..I forgot to mention, can someone make a deadpool movie, I mean wolvorine origins was okay the first half then it seemed after the line.."ooo shiny." all involved started smoking crack, they had the perfect actor and deadpool is one of the funniest comics out there, Ryan could also do flash if they could find a way to make that red suit not gay. Anyway...
The thing is this, I can feel that everyone has the right to their opinion, but I feel that when you giove your opinion on something you should have the facts straight or you end up sounding like someone who is just trying to sound cinical and edgey.
I get that there was humor here, and some of what was said has truth to it. What I don't get is the people jumping to the word fan boy and comic nerd, if you like/love something why is it bad to be a fan? Also the main point I find false here is the the one about namor. I was hoping to see him in the second Fantastic four movie, but we got the ss and a giant spining butt probe for the big G. He has depth and he can tear a submarine in two, not to mention on land he can fly, knock out the hulk and be very moody the longer he stay away from water. I like spiderman but he may want to take the day off if he is thinking of messing with Namor. I have high hopes for it, thor as well, the others I think may want to rethink what they are doing.
Oh, man... I love all these raving, shrieking comic-worshippers being OUTRAGED!!! that someone DARE call out their hobby for its more(?) rediculous aspects.
My favorites are those absolute dense nerds who say stuff like:
"Well, that ISN'T entirely true, heh, 'cause you see in issue blah-de-blah of The Underwhelming Spazzoidious, it is clearly stated that liquid sunbeams DO cure ticklish feet! AHA! See how wrong you were?".
Seriously, people like that are like people being accused of being drug addicts. "Hell, no I'm not, and to prove it to you, im gonna snort all the coke in world!".
All comic book movies rule, why? Because i said so!
Thor will rock
The Avengers should kick butt
Batman 3 will break box office records
Captain America will win the oscar for best screenplay and best costume design
And The Flash can step up special effects.
Faith is the freaking key.
Terrance Davis of (Columbia Missouri....)
On behalf of all non-insane comic book nerds, I'm deeply embarrassed. Seriously, guys, comic books aren't sacred (and even if they were, they should still be fodder for comedy.) I'm a Green Lantern fan, but I'll be the first to admit the GL section was hilarious and pretty spot on.
Honestly, if you can't have a sense of humor about yourself, or you spend your whole day looking for things to get offended by (especially when those things are said by professional comedians) you're going to have a pretty stressful, unsatisfying life.
um, all of you pms comic book nerds need to calm down... seriously. This was mweant to be funny. Not all of us actually give a damn about stuff that has no real impact on the real world...
You know that in the green lantern movie they will put in at least one scene where the Green Lantern gives someone a giant glowing green middle finger. Ill bet anything it will happen
Hey nerds, keep your dongs in your pants, this is supposed to be funny not a gritty social commentary and research saying these movies will suck
I love how this article blatantly ignores aspects of the characters it mocks to push an ill-conceived point.
Namor is a badass. He's strong enough to take on the Hulk. He is a pretty terrible person most of the time. And he's ditched the green thong lately for a whole bunch of black leather. Admittedly, the wings are silly. But still, given the right script, Namor would make a badass anti-hero movie.
Luke Cage has ditched the crown and yellow blouse for jeans and a beater. While Power Man is a s****y name, he is infinitely more badass than Spider-Man, running around in red and blue tights with spiderwebs on them, shooting off all around the city, NOT f*****g the gorgeous red head (at least for a little while. Eventually I guess he grows a pair, but not in the movies, yet.)
Thor, at least in his Ultimate comics, has gone through quite the make-over, and I imagine that they'll go that direction with the movie. Much more realistic and rainbowy.
I know nothing about the Shazam guy and very little about Hal Jordan other than his ring can do sweet things like become a massive hammer to crush you with. He is easily much more powerful, because of his ring, than many other DC heroes.
Usually I like your stuff, Cracked, but do some research, kay?
also, power rangers is an adaptation of a japanese series called super sentai which has been running for 33 years. i thought everyone knew that. don't f**k with the rangers.
Here's this article in a nutshell:
"Hey, check out these comic book movies that are coming out in a few years. They have great actors and writers and directors attached to them, but all the characters are uncommon and there books have minor flaws! These movies are gonna be rolling in inherent suckage."
I will admit though, the choice for writer and director on the Green Lantern does sound pretty crappy. Other than that, I'm exited about these.
Hey I was going to talk about Shazam! It wasn't started by DC. It was a rip off of Superman like the article says. But the company doing it went out of business. When DC secured rights to the character in the beginning of the 70s, Marvel had already made a, very different, character named Captain Marvel. That's why it was called Shazam! from that point. I think it's a good character. Jerry O'Connel should play him. Well he did a pretty good cartoon rendition in JLU. But as for it being about luring kids to subways and sexual deviants, I don't think that was on the forefront of people's minds when the story was concieved. Even Mister Rogers died just in time. Like the movie, Doubt, suspicious minds can ruin innocence. Not that it isn't a possibility.
... Have you guys SEEN "Rome"? Lucius Vorenus was f*****g metal. The idea of that same actor playing Thor makes me MORE optimistic about the movie.
I just hope they base the character more on the Ultimates version than the Avengers version. "Pagan god punished with life as a mortal" was done better on "Cupid".
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I stopped back to see if anything was updated on this, and after reading it again I find it funny, that you call him a jack-up aquaman and say he has spock ears, he pre-dated both of them and so aquaman is an under powered Namor and Spock has namor ears, just saying. Anyway go go namor movie or FF 3 movie with him in it, either way he is a great comic icon. The first mutant the oldest marvel character, lets face it he is the man.