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5 Upcoming Comic Book Movies That Must Be Stopped

By Robert Brockway November 14, 2007 2,221,049 views
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In light of the recent surplus of blockbusting superhero films all but guaranteeing monstrous studio revenue, Hollywood has hit the ground running and greenlit every script featuring a violent man in his underwear from Captain Marvel to your drunken father on Thanksgiving.

Yet, for every Batman Begins that graces the theaters, there are 10 useless men in spandex lined up for the next few years. Here are five of the next big-budget superhero films currently in production that simply should not be.

Sub-Mariner

The Movie:
Coming around 2010, directed by Chris Columbus (Link).

Who is He?
Namor: The Sub-Mariner (which, technically, is his full title in case upon meeting him you happened to overlook the scaly G-string and stench of vagina in the room, and thus were incapable of deducing that Namor might be Sub-Marine in nature) was one of the very first superheroes, debuting in 1939. His powers are roughly equivalent to that of a jacked-up Aquaman, a character most famous for being ridiculously useless.

Namor was the bastard offspring of a ship's captain and a member of a secret undersea race. We might be tempted to call him a mermaid, but the comic book insists he is technically "Homo Mermanus." A piece of advice for budding comic book writers, if you'd like to avoid cheap gay jokes at your hero's expense, perhaps including the words "homo" and "anus" in your character's scientific classification is a bad idea.

Namor has pointy Spock ears, can communicate with aquatic life, breathe underwater, possesses an enhanced physique to deal with the high pressure depths and, of course, has the obligatory tiny wings on his ankles that enable him to fly.

What's that you say? That last one seems a little out of place? Why would an aquatically themed superhero flit about on delicate little calf-wings? According to the creators: Fuck you, that's why.

Previous Notable Appearances on Film:

This is from the Namor cartoon they did back in the 60s. Hopefully, they'll keep it's awesome theme song for the film. Also, watch the beginning to see the look of mild annoyance on the squid's face when the Sub-Mariner goes swishing by. You'll find yourself displaying similar annoyance a few years from now after you waste 10 fucking dollars on a shitty movie about Namor.

Why Fanboys Are Excited:
Writing the script is David Self, who adapted Road to Perdition from a graphic novel into an excellent screenplay. Signed on to direct is Chris Columbus, who directed the first two Harry Potter movies, where he proved himself at least competent at adapting the spirit of a work for film (though seemed to have difficulty with the effects).

There is also a fair amount of depth in the material (a pun which was almost worth the punch in the face we had to give ourselves for making it) in that early Namor was anything but the typical super-being. He was an arrogant, misogynistic, anti hero who would destroy entire cities just to get a little tail. He was the first comic book super-man to show real human fault. Maybe Namor will have the kind of moral complexity that Tom Hanks' character had in Perdition.

Why Fanboys Will Be Disappointed:
Also unlike most superheroes, Namor was wholly unimpressive and horribly ineffective in matters that weren't immediately fish-specific. So, while Namor may not be as likeable as, say, Spider-Man, he also isn't as useful in battle as, say, Spider-Man. Further, If Hanks' character in Perdition had been outfitted with a chafing man-bikini and a pair of dainty foot-wings, he would have been just as impossible to take seriously as Namor will be. Not every single comic book character can be translated to film without looking ridiculous. Here, we have a character whose costume is mostly an aquamarine thong made out of fish scales.

Considering the exaggerated, dynamic poses and action shots that are the hallmark of modern big budget superhero flicks, it is highly probable you will spend roughly an hour and a half staring up at a giant green taint with the occasional slippage of wet side-testicle.

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373 Comments

also, power rangers is an adaptation of a japanese series called super sentai which has been running for 33 years. i thought everyone knew that. don't f**k with the rangers.

7/1/2009 8:34:41 PM
theavenger121

Here's this article in a nutshell:

"Hey, check out these comic book movies that are coming out in a few years. They have great actors and writers and directors attached to them, but all the characters are uncommon and there books have minor flaws! These movies are gonna be rolling in inherent suckage."

I will admit though, the choice for writer and director on the Green Lantern does sound pretty crappy. Other than that, I'm exited about these.

6/3/2009 1:56:59 PM
Sun-Wukong

Hey I was going to talk about Shazam! It wasn't started by DC. It was a rip off of Superman like the article says. But the company doing it went out of business. When DC secured rights to the character in the beginning of the 70s, Marvel had already made a, very different, character named Captain Marvel. That's why it was called Shazam! from that point. I think it's a good character. Jerry O'Connel should play him. Well he did a pretty good cartoon rendition in JLU. But as for it being about luring kids to subways and sexual deviants, I don't think that was on the forefront of people's minds when the story was concieved. Even Mister Rogers died just in time. Like the movie, Doubt, suspicious minds can ruin innocence. Not that it isn't a possibility.

5/5/2009 2:19:07 AM
Seal87

... Have you guys SEEN "Rome"? Lucius Vorenus was f*****g metal. The idea of that same actor playing Thor makes me MORE optimistic about the movie.

I just hope they base the character more on the Ultimates version than the Avengers version. "Pagan god punished with life as a mortal" was done better on "Cupid".

4/23/2009 11:17:50 PM
CLAVDIVS

Following up on JakeCamAction, yeah, Martin Campbell, best known for his work with on Goldeneye and Casino Royale, as well as Zorro and a couple of early 70's softcore porn (yeah, really), is indeed the new director, and Chris Pine, the new Captain Kirk, is supposedly signed on as Hal Jordan.

4/16/2009 7:55:51 AM
Daisho

The Green Lantern is now being directed by the guy who directed Goldeneye and Casino Royale. Two of the biggest and best Bond Films. And being written by a guy who has written some smallville episodes and some of the better heroes. and some other stuff. look it up yourself.

4/11/2009 5:07:20 PM
JakeCamAction

They had some crossovers between Superman and Captain Marvel. In most of them Captain Marvel had the advantage before something happened that caused the fighting to stop.

4/3/2009 6:01:18 PM
bustos26

thor wouldent be to bad, cept that fagg mckid is playing him, who the f**k made that decition!

3/25/2009 12:43:37 PM
jbroverman

well...they gotta do the Thor movie, no matter how bad itll suck, right? The Avengers is coming out in a year or two i believe, so theyre doing all the charcacters by themselves first. Thats why the new wolverirne movie was made....

3/24/2009 3:03:09 PM
pacey

I realized how old this article was when I got to the page about The Mighty Thor... Kenneth Branagh is directing, and Alexander Skarsgård is rumored to be playing Thor, so the arguments presented on Thor's page in this article are no longer valid.

3/22/2009 5:10:18 PM
SillySausage69

The Green lantern movie could be good if they incorporate all of the different green lanterns, in a sort of league of extraordinary gentlemen sort of way.

3/19/2009 9:19:54 PM
Kainotheman

Thor is a great story, but live action flight fights will be sketchy at best. I am being remined of someone climbing a tree in the twilight movie(that i did not watch but could not resist viewing the tree climbing scene 20 times).

3/19/2009 9:17:36 PM
Kainotheman

Actually, according to the marvel universe he is an Atlantian Demigod with nearly limitless powers. In one comic he takes complete control of someones' mind, though i can't quite remember who it was. His abilities are on par with Hercules, Apochalypse, or Sinister. If graded under the X-mens level rating, with magneto and xavier at 4, Phoenix at 5, Namor would be like a 6 or 7. Also, why is he being compared to DC's aqua man? Not even similar in origin or powers, aqua man was pretty useless though. I bet it was hard to find a place where you could fit the need to talk to fish into a super friends episode rofl.

3/19/2009 9:03:53 PM
Kainotheman

By the way is that >>SUPER DAVE

3/17/2009 9:54:33 PM
thunderguppy

I watched the old shazam! show when I was around four and I that it was kinda neat. Then again strech armstrong was the hottest toy at the time.

3/17/2009 9:50:31 PM
thunderguppy

@ sgt, your giving her far to much credit xD if shes insulting people who like kick ass comic based movies, then shes probably 13 and basing her ideas of the opposite sex off the last teen movie she saw.

Trust me, Im the biggest geek here xD.

3/16/2009 7:23:55 PM
bloodyneptune

Wow, people sure get attached to their comic books if theyre willing to call each other such names in order to prove a point... Remind me to stay away from comics

3/15/2009 8:01:39 PM
pyromaniacal13

CreepyCrawly, that's a cute comment, did your boyfriend write it. So if someone has some knowledge over a subject like comic books then the natural stereotype would be to label the person a nerd. I find that funny since you probably wrote that message on a break from world of warcraft. Here is a thought, why don't you crawl out of you parents basement, pull you d*ck out of your boyfriends a$$ and get a social life. The next time you feel like insulting someone who knows a thing or two about what they are talking about, why don't you listen and get past the whole getting jealous cause they know how to read and you don't thing.

3/10/2009 10:34:40 PM
sgt

-----Uniformeddate.com----- ? It is really a funny and interesting place to date attractive girls or hot guys. Many hottie videos and photos at this site, you can enjoy latest interesting videos or talk about hot topic with other friends.

3/9/2009 11:43:22 PM
Grace66

Super Dave, what does IQ have to do with ANYTHING? do u even know what IQ is? im guessing not. and if ur insulted by when a FICTIONAL character gets insulted u need:

A) a life
B) a girlfriend
C) get out more
D) stop googling "life" in the google dictionary, sorry buds, u dont got it.

3/9/2009 5:40:17 PM
lexrussian

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