For every list-based article that I’ve published here, there have been tons of article ideas that never quite got off the ground due to lack of material. I’ll read a captivating story about someone who successfully installed a clock into his top hat, and I’ll immediately start writing an article titled “The 10 Greatest Hat and Time Collaborations,” only to realize, to my colossal disappointment, that there are only, like, two relevant examples, (the second one being that time Morris Day put on a hat). I’ve had to abandon a ton of neat little bits and pieces, strictly because no one would want to read a list with just one or two entries. It is, to put it lightly, nut-blendingly frustrating. You might think I’m overreacting, but I guarantee you that every single writer on this site or, for that matter, anyone who deals almost exclusively with lists, is nodding violently, perhaps muttering “Yes, yes, fuck yes.”
So, instead of a) making a bunch of one- or two-itemed lists or b)abandoning the ideas altogether, I’ve decided to just throw them into one stupid article that, (due to its total lack of focus and consistency) not one person will fully enjoy. Call it Early Spring Cleaning, or poorly-conceived, or just general laziness. Whatever. I call it a half-formed excuse to talk about Super President.
Super President
Super President was the short-lived, 1960s Saturday morning cartoon show about a president who receives superpowers after getting caught up in a cosmic storm. (Sure!) By day, he is James Norcross, President of the United States and, by night, he is Super President, the shape-shifting, crime-fighting superhero with the ability to change his molecular structure to turn into “steel, granite or whatever the need requires,” as the opening theme boasts. (You really need to click that link and watch the video.)
Also, this one time, he turned into “ozone” to fight “laser beams.” That happened because, in the sixties, no one was paying attention to anything.
We never actually see Norcross as president doing anything. He hangs around the oval office and chats with his closest advisor/sidekick/gay manservant?, but mostly he dresses up in Canadian Flag colors and fights monsters. Would he be a good president today? Well, with a good majority of the world kind of hating us a teensy bit right now, we need a president with the ability to mend fences and solve problems, (with the ability to punch shrieking fish monsters at a distant second). Super President’s skills, (super strength, changing shape, avoiding a giant immobile robot’s anti-gravity rays), are indeed admirable, but they’re useless in today’s political climate. We need a thinking president. If we learned anything from Warren G. Harding’s presidency (1921-1923), it should be that the ability to change your molecular structure to granite for the purposes of fighting a giant fire-beast in outer space does not go hand-in-hand with being a qualified leader of the greatest country on earth.
Further, America currently uses 20 million barrels of oil a day, most of which probably goes to fuel the shockingly powerful mini-jets attached to Super President’s belt that allow him to fly.
Why It’s Shitty
It’s honestly one of the most poorly-written shows I’ve ever seen, even by crappy superhero cartoon standards. And I’m not cynical guy. Not only do I believe that it’s possible to gain spider powers after getting bitten by a radioactive spider, I actively pursue this dream by regularly hanging around nuclear testing facilities covered in spiders. I desperately want superheroes to be real and am prepared to buy whatever garbage backstory anyone wants to come up with, but “He was caught up in a friggin’ storm or whatever” just doesn’t cut it for me.
And, maybe I’m nitpicking, but I think it’s important that we have a president who’s at least slightly creative. If you’re the president, but you want to keep your identity a secret, is naming yourself “Super President” really the best way to go? Really? Aren’t you kind of asking to be discovered? If Norcross had his way, the streets would be protected by BillionaireMan, The Amazing Nerdy College Student and the Caped-Clark-Kent. Also, Norcross’ Energy Plan, (”Put it all in my tiny belt-rockets!”), is, at best, shaky.
Why It’s Actually Brilliant
Norcross is the President and, while he keeps America safe from monsters of various sizes, he does so at the expense of the trust of the American people. Every night, when he puts his little costume on, Norcross is betraying the trust of those who elected him, and he doesn’t even pretend to give a shit about it. He fights crime in a way that America, on principle, does not condone. Norcross/Super President is concerned first and foremost with keeping his nation stable. Morality, Honesty and Principle are all afterthoughts; America’s ends justify Super President’s means. James Norcross has found a way to be both loved and feared. He is kind to his subjects, yet merciless under his mask. In this way, Norcross is the perfect manifestation of the ideal leader as described in Machiavelli’s The Prince. After all, it was Machiavelli who said “there are two means of fighting: one according to the laws, the other with force; the first way is proper to man, the second to beasts; but because the first, in many cases, is not sufficient, it becomes necessary to have recourse to the second,” and no one can deny that Super President is willing and able to resort to laws of the beasts when the laws proper to man simply won’t cut it.
Further, was it not Machiavelli who also said that “a beast with easy access to a belt with tiny rockets will ultimately defeat all beasts that rise up against it and should, when a situation calls for it, turn into ozone”? I’m almost positive it was.
Now, I know you probably think that we already did this list here at Cracked which, given our obsession with Batman, isn’t an unreasonable conclusion to jump to. But I’ll have you know, we did a Lame Villains Article, (that was very Batman Villain-heavy), and we did a Real-Life Villains Article, but not once have we done an article depicting (real-life) people who are attempting to destroy the (fictional) Batman. Until, you know…right now.
The Mayor of Batman
This was a story that was so wonderful and retarded that I can’t honestly believe the internet only wasted, like, a day making fun of it. A while back, Hüseyin Kalkan, the mayor of a town called Batman, in Turkey, (popular for its oil and its absurd amount of female, honor-related suicides that occur each year), actually attempted to sue Christopher Nolan, the director of The Dark Knight on the grounds that he was, I guess, trying to capitalize on the popularity of the town. Like, all of the billions of people who saw The Dark Knight only did so because they thought they were seeing a riveting documentary about an oil-producing province in Dipshit, Turkey. I mean, that’s why I went to go see Dark Knight. I heard it was about Batman so I bought a ticket, because I’m curious about their high levels of both unemployment and female-suicide, and I didn’t check out any of the trailers or articles about the movie, because I’m homeless and retarded. You can imagine the questions running through my mind as I watched this strange, fictional account of costumed vigilantes:
“Why is there such little mention of oil?”
“Why aren’t they talking about the River Batman? It’s central to the province’s economy, which is, by the way, plummeting. ”
“Hey, a woman on the screen. That’s odd. Why isn’t she taking her own life in accordance with her complex and antiquated moral code?”
“How did the Joker manage to sneak aboard two enormous, important ships and plant bombs on them without being noticed? And a hospital? And a guy’s stomach? Any time I have a question, something explodes. Why?”
There were other questions, but I won’t bore you. They were mostly about oil.
My favorite quote from the whole ordeal comes from the Mayor himself who says “There is only one Batman in the world.” That is a sentence that an elected official actually said, presumably with a straight face. Which, of course, brings me to:
People Who Would Probably Be Pissed Off by That Statement
-Christian Bale
-Michael Keaton
-Val Kilmer
-George Clooney
-Adam West
-The People Who Made The Highlander (I’m assuming they own the copyright for ‘Things for Which There Can Be Only One.)
-Kevin Conroy
-Azrael
This one.
This little Shit
Alec Grevin is a 9-year-old boy who recently published a book with HarperCollins. The book is a guide on how to talk to girls and is titled “How to Talk to Girls,” because 9-year-olds aren’t creative or interesting. Nine years old. Horseshit. You know, it may even be filled with some useful advice, but that’s not really a surprise- of course he’s an expert on talking to girls; boobs haven’t even entered the equation yet. Give it a few years, Little Archie, (or whatever), and you’ll find that, no matter how many books he reads, a 13-year-old boy is absolutely powerless when he first encounters boobs in the wild.
And I don’t mean to pick on a 9-year-old kid, I’m sure he’s wonderful and his book is a masterpiece. I’ve just been trying to sell my own guide to women, (Holla Atta Bitch: The Gentleman’s Guide to Snaggin’ Skanky Blonde Hoodrats), for years and the publishers, shockingly enough, haven’t been too receptive. The book functions as a comprehensive guide to some of those tricky issues, like when to meet her parents, (”Never”), what kind of nickname you should give her, (”None. She is a skanky blonde hoodrat. Don’t get attached.”), and how to do the right thing if she gets pregnant, (”Fake a seizure, leave town after she takes you to the hospital.”) It also includes some of the best pick up lines ever put to page, including:
- “Baby, are your legs tired? Because I slipped a muscle-relaxant in your drink while you were on the toilet.”
- “Lady, you must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me boner.”
- “Excuse me, Ma’am, but why don’t you make like the economy and get fucked by me.” [Note: Only works if it's well-established that your nickname is 'The Government,' or something similar.]
- “If you can guess what number I’m thinking of, I’ll let you have sex with me in the back of a Nissan Sentra.” [Note: No matter what she says, pretend it's the number you were thinking of. And if she did guess the number you were thinking of, she might be a witch. Drown her post coital.]
- “Hey, what’s goin’ on with that vag of yours? Anything I’d be interested in?”
- “Ma’am, I’d like to show you an amazing device that’ll take you anywhere in the world.” [Note: Only works if she's extremely foreign, extremely young or otherwise suffers from a mental condition that makes her unfamiliar with the concept of an automobile and, specifically, a Nissan Sentra.]
This book is ready, HarperCollins, and you look like a fool for not picking it up.
["Irrational Fears" is actually one of the most fascinating topics in the world, to me. I don't know why, but I've always been really obsessed with it and, if you email your irrational fears to dan(at)cracked.com, I can guarantee you that it would make my day.]***
My Toilet Exploding
I check my toilet, on average, four times every hour, (in addition to my regular schedule of standard toilet visits). I just pop my head into the bathroom for a second to make sure my toilet isn’t up to anything funny. I can’t help myself. And I don’t do it with other appliances or pieces of furniture. I only look at my bathtub when absolutely necessary, and I can sometimes go weeks without seeing or even speaking to my toaster. But this fucking toilet has my number. I believe, for no coherent reason, that my toilet will explode, or more accurately, that all of the sewage that currently hides beneath Los Angeles will get tired of being ignored and will decide to burst triumphantly out of my toilet. Sewage would flow majestically, as if my toilet was some sort of nightmare shit fountain that hates me.
I have visions of myself staring wide-eyed and open-mouthed completely helpless, because who do I call? When you’re dealing with an unstoppable volcano of waste, who do you call? A plumber? The police? Mommy? Jesus? What could they do? They, like me, could do nothing to stop this. Even a plumber is, without a doubt, unprepared for a disaster of this magnitude. So I’d just stand there and wait until this stopped which, in my mind, is never.
There’s no childhood fear behind this. I’ve never been witness to any out-of-the-ordinary toilet-related complications. I don’t even know if this kind of powerful vertical shit expulsion is something a toilet is actually capable of doing. All I have to go on is my terrible, terrible visions and this drawing I made to explain it to my therapist.
***UPDATE: If the comments of this article are any indication, (as well as the 100+ emails I’ve received), the people of the world are just as interested in irrational fears as I am. To speak to this desire, the lovely and talented Lounsey has decided to start a Blog wherein users can submit their own irrational fears, and waste hours reading about the fears of others.
This entry was posted on Friday, December 5th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 20th, 2009 at 1:25 am
my irrational fear?
Fucking dinosaurs.
I couldn’t sleep after I read Jurassic Park.
November 18th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
I have a fear that people are spying on me. I usually have to check and double check a couple of rooms before I feel safe to talk to myself out loud.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
“Excuse me, Ma’am, but why don’t you make like the economy and get fucked by me.” [Note: Only works if it's well-established that your nickname is 'The Government,' or something similar.]
Hahahahaha! Goddammit that was funny
September 4th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Lady, you must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me boner
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:33 am
Properties in Turkey,Bodrum Properties,Dlaman Properties…
Copyright (C) 2005 Aruaru Fuzoku Tankentai. All Rights Reserved….
July 15th, 2009 at 7:34 am
I’m afraid of midgets, bologna, hot dogs, guinea pigs, snakes and spiders crawling into my bed while I sleep, a hit man hired by someone I angered in elementary school who can only kill me if I sleep with the top of my head exposed, the Candyman, albinos, amputees, sharks in the swimming pool, disposals, the dark, airplanes, boats, deep or murky water, the family from House of 1000 Corpses, black holes, the sun exploding, the zombie apocalypse, rabbits, and squirrels that don’t seem to be afraid of people. Irrational? I think not.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
When I was a child at some point my mom pointed out that eating too much candy would make me fat. I replied that I ate candy all the time and I’m skinny as hell. So she told me that it would happen only later, when you’re older. For the longest time I was scared of waking up one day extremely fat because of all the accumulated fat from all the candy I ever ate. Like, really, really scared. I couldn’t eat any candy or whatever. Come to think of it, I might try this on my kids if ever I have them.
I was also always extremely scared of being stabbed to death in my sleep by some random robber. But not of the dying itself, but the fear I would experience seeing the robber about to kill me (for some reason I assumed I’d magically wake up or something). So I always slept with my face to the wall, so if I would get killed, at least I wouldn’t see it coming (I think I also assumed that getting stabbed means instant death).
June 12th, 2009 at 6:19 am
Hmmm i actually have quite a few irrational fears, the first is lizards, namely the big scaly clawed ones with scales and fins that run retardedly and hiss (i like snakes though) and when i say fear i mean a seriously debilitating fear, as in if you ever put a goanna or komodo dragon near me for a joke i will fuck you up and never speak to you again, bitch. I get dizzy when i see them and i have cried when big ones were near me.
Also im shitscared of a zombie apocalypse, probably because i watch too many of said films. I keep the curtains closed when im home alone in case i one day see a couple of zombies ambling over the rolling green hills toward my house. I also plan out what objects i would bludgeon my family to death with if they ever zombied out and limped into my bedroom in the night with intentions to rip my intestines out like they did to Dylan Moran.
May 30th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
I have a fear of my toaster catching fire. I unplug it immediately when I’m done using it. I find myself unplugging toasters at other people’s house as well, without even thinking about it. Generally I leave very little plugged in, I’m terrified of a house fire, but I am always most careful with the toaster. Don’t really know why.
May 30th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
[...] a quick sidebar to people who publish crappy, poorly-written books, I’d like to point out that my book, Holla Atta Bitch: The Gentleman’s Guide to Snaggin’ Skanky Blonde Hoodrats is still shockingly [...]
May 27th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
squirrels. i just feel like they have the tree height advantage and those big front teeth…paired with a malicious attitude.
Also some birds…particularly seagulls…and parrots. For the former there is the movie “the birds” and i was also once surrounded by a flock of about fifty in a parking lot. & Parrots just creep me out…i don’t like that the bird can speak, has crazy eyes and seems perfectly able to bite off my finger without a second thought.
May 26th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
My irrational fear is that gravity will reverse itself and if I’m outside, I’ll fall into the sky, and I guess die, but if I’m inside, then I’ll be stuck on the ceiling without being able to go outside because then I’d fall into the sky and die.
May 21st, 2009 at 7:31 pm
My biggest fear (though I’m not entirely convinced it’s irrational) is going cross-eyed. I’m a big fan of depth perception and having people know when I’m not-so-subtly staring at them for intimidation purposes. Both hobbies require a certain amount of eye-eye coordination.
April 11th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Actually the thing that scares me most and gives me nightmares occasionally is that Invisible Monster from the Jonny Quest cartoons. Saw that episode as a kid and as an adult on Boomerang and I still find it terrifying….might be the single huge eye, the eerie music or the terrifying ululation or a combination of all of them
February 12th, 2009 at 12:08 am
Haha, my boyfriend’s toilet actually did explode at a party. the whole back part was smashed into a million pieces, no one fessed up and we still have no idea how they did it
February 5th, 2009 at 7:03 am
I have to agree, the UK version of Kitchen Nightmares is a lot more to the point, and thus horrifying. I’m 100% sure that most of Britain is like that.
January 19th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Is that an honest question, timmy?
January 18th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
who is jesus?
January 18th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
I have to walk by that Mary Mallone statue everyday on my way to college. It is hot.
It’s interesting to note that Dublin’s other famous statue is the Spire, aka the giant pointy phallic shaped thing.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
my fear is restaurants. thanks gordon ramsay. kitchen nightmares may be the most informative show ever. the uk show is way better than the us version ( no expletives are deleted ). clueless people whipping up god awfull stuff ( cant bring myself to call it food ). filthy is too mild a word to describe some of these places. the real hard to understand part is the health inspectors - are they blind or crooked or both ? one episode gordon samples some food and immediately barfs complete with sound track. the stuff he pulls out of fridges can almost be smelled thru the vid screen. dine out at your peril. the uk version can be viewed at tvshack. bon appetit.
January 13th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
I have an irrational fear that, one night, when I turn off my computer and my desk lamp, behind me in the darkness of my bedroom (generally, when I do late night computing, I turn the main room lights off and just turn the desk lamp on over my laptop), Hitler will be standing there. And will kill me.
For this reason, without fail, I turn off my computer, walk over to my bed, turn on my bed lamp, walk back over to my desk, turn off my desk lamp, and then, finally, go back to my bed, turn off my bed lamp, and go to sleep.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Waking up in a drunken stupor and brushing my teeth with my razor.
My #1 irrational fear by far.
January 6th, 2009 at 12:37 am
Is that Molly Malone’s statue in Dublin? I HAVE had sex with her AND I got arrested for it. Beat that!
December 29th, 2008 at 5:49 am
I laughed so hard I cried, I am sorry if that belittles your irrational fear.
I am irrationally frightened of mayonnaise and yoghurt, and other white creamy food-type substances such as tartare sauce (though weirdly i have no fear of semen). If it even so much as gets on my skin i have to go wash immediately.
I am also terrified of cockroaches, though this is more rational, the idea of one burrowing into my ear… well eugh *cringe*
December 29th, 2008 at 1:28 am
Rachel,
Remember, the worst type os STD is pregnancy.
December 27th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
I’m terrified of infants. I can’t stand them. It’s a recent thing– just the past few years. I will shut doors at church to avoid hearing them, I REFUSE to hold them, and I feel physically ill if I even so much as smell one.
Babies are terrifying… and the thought of one gestating inside my uterus is worse. If I ever get pregnant, I genuinely expect to have it burst out of my stomach like it’s the spawn of an alien face-raper.
December 26th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
I also have the irrational fear of when I open things (such as the aforementioned biscuits), something will come hurtling out at speeds reserved for cheetahs and possibly break my nose.
I’m afraid of parking spaces. Yes, parking spaces. More importantly, the ones where cars are on either side of you. Don’t know why, I’m not particularly claustrophobic, and I’m damn good at driving, but having cars all around me literally makes me feel like I can’t breathe. I used to think it was just backing up and not being able to see, but it’s the same if I pull through to the next spot to avoid backing up. I will literally park at the very end whether there is rain/snow/ice/wolves and just walk. Parallel parking is no deal for me though.
I’m also afraid of most music boxes. You know, the ones that usually have a ballerina on top or the ones you have to open to place jewelry inside. If they don’t open, I’m good. I blame this one that I used to have nightmares about music boxes and when I go to open on, it’s filled with corpses or when the music stops someone will grab me from behind.
December 25th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
ugh, toilet snakes, while we’re on the subject.
December 24th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
My biggest fear is fish. I will NOT swim anywhere I can’t see all the way to the bottom of. My dad told me about the lochnest monster when I was a kid and I never got over it.
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:51 am
My irrational fears:
Certain foods. I am scared to eat cooked carrots (uncooked are fine). I don’t know why. I have to pick them out of everything I eat. Peas and mushrooms are also on that list.
A mob chasing me and singing “Rock Lobster” by the B52’s. I guess it’s not so irrational when my father used to chase me around singing it.
December 23rd, 2008 at 12:58 am
I’m terrified of chewing gum. I get really creeped out when I see people chewing it or when they talk to me and are chewing it. I go into weird freak-out mode when someone takes it out of their mouth or starts twirling it around their finger.
December 20th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
I am afraid of sitting alone in moxie theatres ever since I saw an old black and white thriller about a murderer who stabbed his victims through the backs of their theatre seats- I know it won’t happen to me but every time the guy behind me rustledsI almost wet myself !Very scary/ I am nervous about sitting right in front of the choir loft in church too, same reason, another movie.
December 19th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
I have in irrational fear of one day waking up and having a totally irrational fear or something. It could be anything, as long as it’s irrational. Like, for a while, I was afraid that I would contract an irrational fear of cup cakes. Not a fear that the cup cakes could actualy hurt me somehow–after all, that would be rational. Just a fear that every time I see a cupcake I would turn into a shivering ball of self-defecating misery as I violently vometed in the fetal position and stabbed my eyeballs out with the first passerby’s pinkie nails.
The only rational part of this fear of irrational fears is that I will not adequately be able to explain my irrational fear of irrational fears, as that person would think that I was being irrationally irrational.
Don’t judge me!
December 19th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
I care
December 15th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
@jkono29
It’s the internet. Nobody cares besides yourself.
December 13th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
I can’t believe someone who writes for a living can have such a lack of understanding of the proper usage of commas and parentheses. You don’t put commas before parentheticals — the sentence is supposed to read normally if the parenthetical phrase is removed!
December 12th, 2008 at 6:07 am
crickets, lobsters, crabs, shrimp, balloons, car accidents, eye injuries, tooth injuries, eating rotten food and lighters.
December 11th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
So I know I’m late, but since I read this article I’ve been trying to think of what irrational fear I have. And today, in the middle of my social work exam, it hit me. I have a fear that my pens will run out of ink in the middle of the exam, I will be unable to finish the exam, will flunk the class and thus flunk out of school. I’ve had this fear since the beginning of high school, I’m now in university. To calm my fear, I usually bring about 10(ish) pens to exams and sit with them on my desk. The worst is when someone asks to borrow them. Then I’m certain that that pen was the only working one (though I checked them that morning) and I was doomed to failure.
December 11th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
[...] The X Most Blankiest Somthings in the History of Whatever. [...]
December 10th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
[...] The X Most Blankiest Somethings in the History of Whatever | Cracked.com (tags: lists cracked) [...]
December 10th, 2008 at 12:29 am
I just love that Dan managed to link an obscure, inane 1960’s childrens cartoon with a cornerstone of political theory. And who said a politcal science degree was good for nothing!
December 10th, 2008 at 12:24 am
Dan replied to my email. I think I love him.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:04 am
My irrational fear is of becoming so huge that I crush the earth betwen my fist and fall through the vacuum of space forever.
I refuse to elaborate
December 9th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
[...] internet, hitting up my usual hangouts, when I stumble across a gem of an article on cracked.com, The X Most Blankiest Somethings in the History of Whatever. Suffice it to say, Dan O’Brien consistently outdoes himself; however, I thought, this being [...]
December 9th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Elise, you are seriously fucked up, and I think I’m in love with you. I’m not quite DOB, but I do work on my abs religiously.
Alice, I would like to subscribe to your newsletter. I myself have been looking for a wealthy soul mate. You know, someone who I’m totally connected to spiritually, but is also willing to blow wads of cash on my every whim? Can your site really promise that?
December 9th, 2008 at 7:47 am
He is a very great man, I like him so much. I saw that he is in the top 50 men list of askmen.com. He should be the TOP1 in my mind. And i heard that he appeared on a millionaire&celebrity dating club–http:www.wealthysoulmate.com—@@@@@@@@ with a personal account there. Is it real or just a rumor on internet?
December 9th, 2008 at 5:30 am
Best Article since Fucking Ever! Or BAFE for short. I spent over two hours reading through the irrational fears blog, and a bit more time sifting through the comments for the article. You made me fall in love with Cracked again, DOB. Well, actually, in love with you. *gush*
I was kinda surprised nobody else (so far) had this irrational fear though: Of sitting alone, especially late at night, and suddenly having someone come up behind you, twist your head savagely to the side and just slit your throat, with the cold of the blade the last fucking thing you feel as you bleed out within a minute. Fucking sends shivers down my spine every time I sit by myself, even if I’m near other people.
December 9th, 2008 at 3:31 am
Any body of water that I cant see the bottom of, especially swimmable ones.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:56 am
Angie, I want to lick the inside of your belly button. Possibly put a small animal in there after I am done. Maybe have you poke mine.
How does that make you feel?
Also, has anyone else ever stuck their finger in their belly button only to find out that their belly button smells like pure shit.
And John, its called Hebrew, and its not giberish.
December 8th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Ever since the Truman Show ive had an irrational fear that im part of some elaborate reality program. If it were true it would be a huge disappointment to whoever forked out the cash for my lame reality, im really not worth the trouble.
December 8th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
I have a horrible fear of my belly button. Anyone’s belly button. I picture, GOD, something being accidentally shoved… honestly I can’t even type anymore, dammit. I get really freaked out when people mess with me about it and lift up their shirt and put their fingers in their…. you know. AWFUL.
December 8th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
This is serious, I couldn’t make this up if I tried.
I have a fear that some time during the night, a firey eyed version of Jesus will kick in my door and yell in complete and total giberish at me and then just run away.
December 8th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
I have a history teacher who feels uncomfortable around smiley faces.
December 8th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Crickets and bees, DOB. Crickets and bees.
Bees, because I am allergic and they have the capacity to kill me.
And crickets…well, it is a terrible disservice to your love life if you smoosh one. They say. At least, the little black ones. I’m not scared of those anyway. I’m talking about the jumpy, beige ones that live in basements. Those are evil. Perhaps one could smoosh those of that particular species with extreme prejudice if one were so inclined. I’m not. I’d much rather run away and avoid whichever room said creature had hopped into until nature runs its course or some good Samaritan happens along and catches it. Because why take chances? You and I will never know whether climbing a flight of stairs is a cricket’s own personal Everest, and then you come along with a shoe and thwack it to pieces, ya jerk.
Wait. What were we talking about again?
December 8th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
When I was little I had an irrational fear of fire alarms.
Actually, not all fire alarms, my school’s fire alarm. One particular fire alarm.
December 8th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
My irrational fear is that I will be shot in the back by a crossbow as I am walking up the stairs inside my home. I have had this fear since I was a child and I just turned 36 last tuesday!! I no longer run up the stairs to the second floor of my house like a madwoman on fire, not because I don’t want to but because I realise how stupid I look. And we all know it is more important to not look stupid, than it is to get shot in the back by a crossbow.
December 8th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
My father’s apartment is a basement apartment. You know what Fear Boy said? About the lowest house in a system getting flooded with the sewage of the other, higher-up houses when there’s a clog?
Yes. Just… yes.
December 8th, 2008 at 11:20 am
a video called ‘1 guy, 1 cup’ represents everything i fear
check it out - its horrific
also my flatmate has a popcorn maker which is designed like a duck which terrifies me, maybe because i cant see how popcorn and ducks have anything to do with one another, or maybe because he turned it on and put it on the end of my bed while i was asleep. Either way it freaks me out.
December 8th, 2008 at 11:14 am
the user “erin” already mentioned this, but I have the same fear of getting stabbed in the stomach, more precisely, between my stomach and my left kidney. sometimes, when I’m in bed, and I lie on my back, I realize how exposed my stomach is (there’s no one in the room, but still), and i just HAVE to turn to my side and curl up to protect the area, or at least cover it with my hands.
once this girl made what she belived to be a sexy move towards my stomach, but it only resulted in an abrupt spasm and total loss of erection.
i also fear the sound of thunder, as cool as it may be, because I always think that it will be so loud that I’ll go deaf. those few seconds between the lithning and the sound are totally scary, I just keep saying to myself “this is it, i’m gonna go deaf now, this is the moment”
also, i expect to soon see an article called “the n most irrational fears ever”
December 8th, 2008 at 9:41 am
I should note that ’sidewalks’ should read ‘crosswalks’ in my previous post.
Because right now it sounds like I drive on the sidewalk… which probably has a lot lower Traffic to Car Wash Expense ratio than the road.
Maybe I’m on to something.
December 8th, 2008 at 9:26 am
My wife has an irrational fear of static electricty. Whe it gets dry during the winter static electricity gets pretty common. But whenever she moves, she has to touch something metal so as to avoid getting an unplanned shock (which, I’m pretty sure, is what she calls it when we make love [sweet sweet love]).
I, on the other hand, have a totally rational fear of people crossing sidewalks. Because I’m sure they’re going to wait until it’s way too late for me to stop and jump into the sidewalk. Fooling me into hitting them and feeling guilty despite their obvious idiocy (and I’m also sure it won’t be anyone I’d like to hit with my car, like maybe that guy that takes up two parking spots with his compact car so that no one ‘accidentally’ dings it in the parking lot.)
December 8th, 2008 at 8:15 am
He is my favorite. Just saw his personals ID on millionaires personals site … W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M … last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship he is looking for on that site.
December 8th, 2008 at 7:57 am
Nice to see the buxom Molly Malone statue get a mention. We’ve been perving over it for years.
December 8th, 2008 at 4:14 am
Hmm things aren’t looking to good for you Dan. I mean, judging by the comments, it sounds like toilet storms happen more often then one would of thought.
December 8th, 2008 at 2:01 am
I think that toilet thing has happened.
When a main line clogs and there is a house lower than most others on that line (like the last house at the bottom of a hill in a subdivision) then all the sewage from like 1000 houses will come out of the toilets and bathtubs in that one house.
Such houses usually have to be condemned. I’ll bet O’Brien saw this as a kid and blocked the memory out. Personally, if I was 8 and saw a house with crap coming out of every window and door I would cherish that memory as the coolest thing I’ve ever seen in my life*
(*at least until I saw a vagina)
December 8th, 2008 at 12:31 am
I’m totally freaked out by static cling. I once pulled a sweater out of the dryer on my way to school and several hours into the day, a friend noticed that I had a weird lump on my back under my sweater. I took off my sweater and my mom’s giant panties fell out. It was terrifying. So now I obsessively check my clothes to make sure I don’t have underwear stuck to my back.
December 7th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
@lbh, yeah, I would like, just once, to read in some of those comments, someone to say; ” My god you are right, I never quite thought of it that way” but I ain’t gonna hold my breath.
December 7th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
fantastic list.
and, from ages 7-12, i was terrified of huge spiders because in ocarina of time, the level where you had to go in that giant tree, everytime those huge spiders hit you the screen would shake and they were aggressive..
also, when i’m showering, i always peak out of the shower curtain and look at the mirror because i fear somebody showing up in a “scream” mask in my bathroom.
December 7th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
my friend told her little sister that when she’s pooping, a giant snake will come out of the toilet and crawl up her butt.
her sister’s like 14 now and is still terrified of ass-raping toilet snakes.
@celia- that’s exactly how i feel. that’s why i always have the volume muted when i’m on the computer. even if i’m not on the internet.
December 7th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Super President made this totally worth it
December 7th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
1. Every time I turn on my lawnmower I’m afraid the blade will come loose and saw my feet off.
2. Dead silence
December 7th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
@glendoor: “Thank you , Thank you very much, I’ll be here all week.”
As in “here” on Daniel’s blog? If so, then good. It’s nicer here. Safer here. More fun here than, say…other blogs where the comment section has been hijacked by utterly humourless pseudo-intellectuals.
I may have developed an irrational fear of comedy blogs with political content because of the long-winded, self-righteous twerps that they attract.
December 7th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
1) ever since someone came to me and said “imagine if…bla bla bla” ive had a horrible fear that someone will jump out of the shadows and shove a needle into the small hole at the end of my manhood.
every time i think about it i have to cover myself down there.
2)also when i think about getting vaccinated, i have to cover my right arm to make sure no invisible needle is a few inches away.
i know right?
December 7th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
WHALES…..
thank you sirdaniel!!!!!!!!!!!!
i am fucking terrified of them as well and everyone thinks im out of my fucking mind but they scare the shit out of me
i cried on the finding nemo AND the Pinocchio rides at disneyland
December 7th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
My aunt once got an order of coleslaw at KFC that was crawling with maggots. Apparently they were keeping the coleslaw near enough the trash that they just kind of migrated into the ’slaw.
I don’t like coleslaw anyway, but I DEFINITELY won’t eat it now. At least not from KFC.
But mashed potatoes and gravy? Mmmmmmmmmmm!
December 7th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
I trained as a civil engineer at uni, and yes, toilets shooting sewage out all round the room are not only possible, they happen regularly enough that there is legal precident and text to ensure the water companies clean it up.
That said, it’s only really likely if you have a basement loo, and in a particularly wet sorm. (that’s a storm of the outsiide weather variety.)
December 7th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
1) wind, i am fucking terrefied of wind, i have no excuse and no real clue what it could possibly do to hurt me, but it’s still scary
2) whales. not dolphins, not sharks, no other sea animals at all (unless they look a lot like whales) just whales. anything about them. even just pictures or the sounds they make, even the dumb statues they put in fish tanks.
3) abyss. deep ocean or lakes. if i can’t see the bottom or edges i’m always subconciously afraid that something is in there (mainly whales) not kidding
4) really exposed places
5) completely enclosed places, especially if it’s bright
6)being stuck anyware
7) pigs
9) my other personality Nic is afraid of horses and creeped out by pickle juice, vaseline, ranch souce, lip gloss, and our third personality Sue
10) and Sue’s just afraid of people and the world in general
December 7th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Sharks in the pool. I’m scared of sharks in the pool.
December 7th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I bugged your toilet with a “Front Toward Enemy” I picked up from a friend of mine who used to torch a bunch of Charlies with his flamethrower. Oh yeah I hid one underneath your house.
December 7th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
1.) I am scared shitless of coffee pots. I am literally scared shitless. I have to do my own laundry because of it, as one of these days that little fucker is gonna sneak up on me and explode in a million Kyptonite shaped pieces and it’ll be like one of those Kamehameha blasts and I’ll vaporize in a shit shadow on the wall.
2.)If that doesn’t happen first, I’ll die by driving FROM work (cuz’ really bad shit doesn’t happen until AFTER work, unless it’s at work then your just plain hosed.) and a rock will come flying out of no-where and defy the laws of physics and bend though into my car from my window and hit me in the teeth. If it happens and hits me in the head, nose, 3rd nipple I really wont care too much, but if it hits me in the teeth I will forever be in a puddle of quivering school girl mass in the corner crying for the rest of my life… which will probably five minutes later, ‘cuz the damn coffee pot is just fuckin waitin…. I goddamn know it.
December 7th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
The Real Life Batman list of pissed off people was genius! lol
December 7th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
My irrational fear is that my car will explode when I start it after pumping gas. I know this will never actually happen, but I can’t help feeling just slightly relieved every time I turn the key and it doesn’t result in a giant fireball. I don’t know how this irrational fear came to be.
December 7th, 2008 at 7:22 am
I am such a big fan of you since last year. Wish everything goes well for you. Can you do me one favor? just tell me is it you on****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** ?
December 7th, 2008 at 5:52 am
I have an irrational fear of getting shot by a drive by. I think it developed as a result of somebody driving by my house and peppering it with 5 or 6 9mm rounds.
What got it really started was when the detective who investigated it said, “Well, since you don’t have any known enemies, it was probably just random gunfire. Happens all the time”
WTF! I now have it in my brain that there are thousands of drunk assholes with guns just driving down streets going, “Hey, lets shoot that house up!”
Okay, since one of the bullets came within about 6 inches of my head, maybe its not so irrational but still.
It happens all the time?!?, WTF is that about?
December 7th, 2008 at 4:22 am
Clowns, thats all I have to say.
December 7th, 2008 at 3:28 am
james: What if the Mythbusters confirmed that shitstorms are, in fact, quite possible an occurance, and furthermore proceeded to demonstrate this in chilling detail? We’d never see Dan again, what with him having moved to live somewhere where there’s not a single loo in a hudred mile radius.
December 7th, 2008 at 2:24 am
Hey thanks, Vicky.
December 7th, 2008 at 1:20 am
“Baby, are your legs tired? Because I slipped a muscle-relaxant in your drink while you were on the toilet.”
“If you can guess what number I’m thinking of, I’ll let you have sex with me in the back of a Nissan Sentra.” [Note: No matter what she says, pretend it's the number you were thinking of. And if she did guess the number you were thinking of, she might be a witch. Drown her post coital.]
“Lady, you must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me boner.”
OMFG THE BEST LOL!!!
December 7th, 2008 at 12:37 am
you should ask the mythbusters if its possiable for sewage to explode threw your toilet that would be a great episode
December 7th, 2008 at 12:31 am
My greatest irrational fear is that every new person I meet is telepathic and can hear exactly what I’m thinking of them. This fear is amplified tenfold when the new person’s a chick.
December 6th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
All of my irrational fears are typical and uninteresting. Needles, eek!
Glendoor, I’m pretty sure that statue was Dublin’s “Molly Malone”, or as she is popularly known, “The Tart With The Cart”.
December 6th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
THANK YOU, Lazy. I mean, I knew irrational fears were gonna be the talk of the town, but I didn’t think it’d monopolize the comments so much. I was expecting at least a few “Dugg for Azrael,” and maybe even a couple nerdgasms over mention of Kevin Conroy.
December 6th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
I have an irrational fear of choking on my tongue and orange peels. I think it started after my first, and only, time I took salvia and thought my tongue disappeared in a pop rock sensation and the universe disappeared in a mass of watercolors/fireworks.
December 6th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
azrael.
the fuck was up with his freddy crueger gloves?
anyhow, brilliant reference.
December 6th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Irrational Fears:
3. Inflating balloons, especially by mouth.
2a. Republicans*
2b. Evangelical Christians/Baptists/Mormons*
1. TOILET SNAKES!!!
(*time will tell if these are really irrational)
December 6th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
I have an irrational fear of worms coming up through the shower drains burrowing through the skin of my feet and eating my brain.
Also that I will split into an adult version and child version of myself and the child version will stab me in the testicles until I die. I had a dream about this and now suffer sever insomnia go figure.
December 6th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
i have an irrational fear of commitment, oh wait thats not irrational
December 6th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Every time I go into a bathroom with a ‘not-very-see-through’ shower curtain, I open it to make sure there’s no one in there.
I realize how absurd it would be if someone can into a house and just hid in the shower, but I can’t help but check.
It might not be a fear, because I’m totally fine with checking, and if someone WERE in there, I’d react with only shock and mild frustration at my shit being interrupted, but I suppose it’s appropriate to the conversation.
It’s actually gotten to the point that I get angry with people for leaving their curtain shut. Why? Aren’t you just going to get right the fuck back in there tomorrow?
Fuck that shit.
December 6th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
I have this irrational fear of holding anything in a car when the window is down. I think to myself that some sort of supersonic wind will rip from my hands any thing expensive I’m holding and suck it out the window.
December 6th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
if your toilet ever did over flow with the worlds waste you could open a jenkem factory!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UsNbsjpuLc
December 6th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
i have this irrational fear that i will fly out of a car during a car crash and my pants will fly off and ill get road rash on my weiner.
December 6th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Some fears:
-The fear that whales at the aquarium will suddenly rush forward and break out of their glass tanks, fly through the air, and crush me as I drown.
-The fear that when I get into bed I will hit my head so hard on the edge of my bedside table that it cracks my skull.
-The fear that at some point when using a steak knife, I will uncontrollably start to cut into my own tongue.
December 6th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
I’m terrified of acoustic guitars with elongated sound holes and hexagons that have been tipped on their side and stretched. Seriosly.
December 6th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Thank you , Thank you very much, I’ll be here all week.
December 6th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
@glendoor: hahahaha, good one!
December 6th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
I’m deathly afraid of scantily clad nubile girls rubbing oil all over me. I’m hoping I can find a few to help me overcome my fear.
December 6th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
http://cinepad.com/plumbing1.htm
December 6th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
All exploding snake toilet aside, what I really want to know is what the name of that statue ? My guess is the night by morphine.
December 6th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Is that statue one of said “skanky blonde hoodrats”?
If so, break me off a piece of that.
December 6th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
a little late on the bandwagon, but i used to be afraid of dasani water bottles. not aquafina or poland springs, just dasani. when i was little i picked one up and it had a spider web on it, so ever since i’ve been afraid when i drink one i’ll chug down a spider web.
also, toilet paper rolls. again, when i was little, i grabbed a roll of toilet paper to put in the bathroom and it had a spider in it. still can’t pick up a toilet paper roll without looking inside it first.
and if you’ve seen the mummy 2, i’m terrified those little mummy demon guys in the forest will come get me and stab me with poison knives.
plus the toilet snake thing/sharks in the pool.
December 6th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I read in a (alarmingly non-fiction) book that a guy was droppin’ a deuce and a fucking python bit his nutsack. Now when I take shits, I always look in the bowl before I sit down and occasionally drop something in to test the waters.
December 6th, 2008 at 11:11 am
When I was 4 years old a possum crawled up through the duct work in my basement and made its way to my bedroom. I toddled in, blissfully unaware, and this nasty, grotesque, ugly, filthy, subspecies of life HISSED at me.
We never did learn how he got in. To this day, I have a rabid fear of wild, ugly animals finding their way into my home, possums in particular.
I hate a fucking possum.
December 6th, 2008 at 10:31 am
“Not only do I believe that it’s possible to gain spider powers after getting bitten by a radioactive spider, I actively pursue this dream by regularly hanging around nuclear testing facilities covered in spiders.” Brilliant!
Anyone who can provide skanky ho pick-up lines and footnotes from Machiavelli in a single article deserves kudos! But you may have been thinking about “Super President” a bit too long and hard… Just sayin’
December 6th, 2008 at 8:23 am
That statue is of Molly Malone in Dublin, or as it’s known to the locals ‘The Tart with the Cart.’ What does that say about you?
December 6th, 2008 at 7:33 am
When I was like 8 a spider crawled up the toilet while i was on it.
I still have that fear now.
December 6th, 2008 at 5:52 am
You should go on the Seattle Underground City Tour. This really used to happen to toilets twice a day; from the incomming tide.
December 6th, 2008 at 4:16 am
BTW Lounsey..Jinx. You owe me a diet coke.
December 6th, 2008 at 3:46 am
Interestingly enough, Ziggy the Z hooked me up yesterday with all this info about a chatroom he set up a couple days ago. He told me to forward the instruction page to people on cracked so we can, any and all, go and talk there about whatever we talk about. Kind of grassroot-ish.
Cool. All for it.
So I logged on to my profile and was writing Lounsey inviting her to join while simultaneously she was writing me about the Irrational Fears spot. I hadn’t yet read (just did) DOB’s article.
I thought it strange. Everyone starting new meeting places, together, but separate. Hmm.
Aha moment (once I read the article and comments) And great fun. See y’all over there too. Great post and idea, Dan. Great execution, Sarah.
Contact Ziggy the Z for the other. I’m sure that will be a blast too. Or me if you absolutely have to. (Who has this much time? Seriously..who can write this much? I’m lucky to write my cable bill every month)
December 6th, 2008 at 3:35 am
For irational fears:
Those emails or videos that tell you to look at something for a long time and then suddenly show something scary and play a loud scream. Why are people so evil!?!!?? Now for some reason when I’m on the computer I sometimes get worried that that will happen for now reason…especially on this site. I have no idea why.
December 6th, 2008 at 2:24 am
Oh my god that drawing made me laugh so hard I nearly pissed myself!
December 6th, 2008 at 2:22 am
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December 6th, 2008 at 2:15 am
erin, you will get stabbed by a hooker. you know which hooker i’m talking about.
December 6th, 2008 at 2:11 am
If I look straight up in the sky for a few seconds, I swear gravity could reverse at any moment; my heart races and I start holding onto things, trying to prevent myself from falling up through the clouds.
December 6th, 2008 at 1:10 am
I don’t see the problem. That could be any country’s president fighting in space. Plus, I like the idea of a superhero guaranteed to go away after eight years.
December 6th, 2008 at 1:00 am
For a year, I was afraid of my closet turning into a vortex and sucking me into the spirit world…thanks Poltergeist!
my bed was right next to my closet, BTW
December 6th, 2008 at 12:54 am
Several years ago, due to a grease blockage in the sewer system and my house being the lowest in the neighborhood, sewage actually did come up through the toilet, shower, and sink drains in my basement. And it wasn’t just *my* family’s sewage, no, it was the sewage of every one on the block. At least that meant the city had to pay for cleaning it up. It didn’t actually “explode,” just… kinda… burbled up and poured out. But it did cover a large portion of the floor and the vinyl, carpet, and some drywall had to be removed and incinerated and the subfloor/foundation had to be sanitized. Now, once a month, a municipal camel truck comes out to shoot water through the sewer main out back, to keep it clear. And we don’t sue them.
December 6th, 2008 at 12:53 am
I would buy Holla Atta Bitch: The Gentleman’s Guide to Snaggin’ Skanky Blonde Hoodrats in a heartbeat. However, fuck that little 9 year old bastard in the eye socket with a red hot ice auger. Just wait until he gets abused by some slutty chick with severe daddy issues and commits suicide. That’s what I’m hoping happens anyway, if you can’t manage the ice auger bit.
I have a fear of tween stars and The Olsen twins. The Olsen’s soulless eyes and empty heads terrify me beyond words. I also fear many of today’s retarded youth heroes, such as Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. Is it just me, or do the Jonas brothers look like a group of shaved chimpanzees that wandered into a 1978 disco wardrobe? And have we forgotten the terrible crimes against humanity that Billy Ray Cyrus committed with his music? We should have killed him before he could produce mongoloid offspring. Surely, Miley Cyrus is the Antichrist. I challenge anyone to prove otherwise.
December 6th, 2008 at 12:42 am
When I was like, five or six, my parents would borrow their friends house in Montauk for a weekend and his backyard was huge. I’m talking like…half a football field huge! And it was very foggy both nights we went. Having watched a marathon of “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” (mistake 1), plus forgetting my nightlight (mistake 2), and my room had this retardedly-huge sliding door (mistake 3)…well, I’m sure you guys can fill in the rest on your own
December 6th, 2008 at 12:25 am
I have an overwhelming fear - more like revulsion - of Dr. Suess books. More precisely, the people who inhabit his books. Every time I see one of their hairy, floppy hands or giant eyes I feel a wave of real, physical nausea. It’s so bad that I’ve banned the books when my kids want me to read them. Let mom read that monstrous shit.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
also i am 99% sure that i will one day get stabbed in the stomache. i don’t know why but i’m terrified of it. i know it will happen one day, when hands come near my stomache it freaks me the fuck out. so i’ll either die by werewolf or stab wound to the stomache, i’m sure of it. irrational? perhaps.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
i am honest to god 100% terrified of werewolfs.. they are a huge fear of mine.. i’m always terrified one will jump out of the bushes and half massacre me and leave me half alive to turn into one…fucking terrifying! real or not man you just never know…you never know
December 5th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
[...] Tags: fears, Humor, Life, phobias Dan O’Brien had a good article on Cracked today. Toward the end of his post, he talks about irrational fears. His, involves that of his [...]
December 5th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Everyone is revealing their fears to Dan.. does any one else think this could be a trap?
December 5th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
you seriously couldnt think of more than one person who has a book deal and shouldnt?
December 5th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Super-President isn’t a lame name….he’s super-man AND the president - what the fuck else would he be called?
I guarantee you if Peter Parker were also the Pope, he would be called Spider-Pope.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
So, orcas. They are fucking terrifying! Those big white spots that make their eyes look huge, their teeth….Why do people like these animals?
December 5th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
p.s. id like you to do more on the whole statues thing
December 5th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
im deathly afraid of pissing myself in class at school
i swear its going to happen soon
and i have a plan for it
December 5th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
one of my really good friends is afraid of sandpaper. he can’t even stand the word ’sandpaper’, it freaks him out so much.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
Molly Malone, the patron prostitute of Dublin!
December 5th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
I am deathly afraid of cockroaches. I am so afraid one will get in my mouth that I can have a panic attack thinking about it. We moved into an apartment in So Cal that was previously lived in by some not so hygenic people and the first night I got up to get a drink if water and flipped on the light and saw a cockroach convention going on all over the counters. Oh, did I mention that I was 7 months pregnant at the time? I was so freaked out that I would scratch myself in my sleep and wake up with bloody patches of skin. My husband put socks on my hands after I fell asleep. I would call him sobbing at work that “they were going to get on me.” After two months we finally moved to another unit that was bug free. It was 20 years ago and I’m still scarred!
December 5th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
It would really be bad if your toilet exploded snakes and clowns.
Actually that would really be funny.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
It is possible to make your toilet explode.
You have to eat foods with a high nitrate content, you have to use one of those liquid TiDee Bowl liquid dispensers in your tank, and you have to add a “special” ingredient to the bowl after you have, um, added the aforementioned first two ingredients.
But it can be done.
I’m not going to be the one singled out for a rash of restroom explosions, so no, I’m not going to publicly reveal the ingredient - however, internet geeks like you folk should have no trouble googling up the whole story.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
I like how hideously deformed DOB’s abs are in the drawing.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
I identify with the people down there who won’t use people’s names. I won’t either… Not necessarily from a fear of having it wrong, but because that feels too intrusive and personal, like I’m making a presumption that I’m allowed to call them by name. Nor will I call my parents “mom” and “dad”, I just don’t call anyone anything… I just wait until I have a person’s attention before talking to them.
My irrational fear is cars. I don’t drive, but I’m fine riding in them; it’s when I’m on foot that they scare me. I have to cross a four lane road every day to get to work, and even when the road is empty I get all tense and a creepy crawly feeling, and I imagine myself getting flattened. I can see it very clearly, and I always know there’s a car barreling up right behind me. I hate walking past a semi truck even when it’s turned off and there’s no one in it, like I suppose I think it’ll just come to life and leap forward at me.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
I used to check for snakes in the toilet on a regular basis… and vampires
December 5th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
I am petrified of anything from glass jars. In grade 3 I had a PB&J sandwich and a piece of glass somehow got in it and it cut up the roof of my mouth. The blood just poured out for ages and I passed out from blood loss.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
I am absolutely, 100% fucking terrified of them fucking june bugs!! They are the ugliest, loudest buzzing son of a bitches I have ever come across. They hit the lights like they have metal fucking shells and I heard they “pinch” if they get on you. I remember running from one of them monsters, tripping over a fucking wagon and busting my chin on the bumper of my car just so that little beast wouldnt get near me. Fuck them things.
Good article, too.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
I used to be petrified of lawnmowers. When I was a kid, my mom made some off hand comment about staying away from ours or my foot would get cut off. I didn’t go near a lawnmower until I was about 33 or 34, when that phobia was replaced by my new fear of deer ticks.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Wow. In the breakroom today one of my co-workers related the following story(honest to God):
Her sister-in-law got up in the middle of the night to pee. She stumbles into the bathroom half asleep and sits down, not even bothering to turn on the light. I assume there was enough light from the door being open. Anyway…almost immediately something splashes water on her from underneath. She jumps up and flicks on the light to find a bat flopping about in the bowl. A freaking bat!
My irrational fear is doing anything that will make me look foolish. It’s irrational because I do things that makes me look foolish all the time. Every day in fact. Have been for years. You’d think, by now…
December 5th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Y’all do realize that toilet snakes are not impossible?
Why, Alice Cooper lost his python in a hotel and it lived for months in the plumbing before re-emerging one day while some poor guy was in his suite’s bathroom taking a leak.
Yeah.
Not so irrational now, is it?
December 5th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
yeah I have an irrational fear of something coming up through my toilet whilst I’m on it.
No idea what this something might be.
Possibly a large snake. Or some sort of bizarre sewer monster that has come to kill me.
In the same way: I am not afraid of spiders. Unless I’m naked. Then they terrify me. But I can tackle a goliath bird eater with the best of them when I’ve got my pants on. And a bra. A can face anything so long as I am wearing a bra….
December 5th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
I do believe, DOB, that you just implied that you were not Spiderman. My irrational fear has become a reality.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
I’m afraid there will be a severed head in my toilet, It happens a lot up here in canada
December 5th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Every night, before i go to bed, i reach underneath my covers and feel around the entire mattress, because i’m afraid there are dead birds or snakes that i might squish onto me in the night.
i’m a little crazy sometimes. haha
December 5th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Dan, link me to a toilet bomb video. I need to see this shit.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
This is all the proof I need that Dan should be allowed to write whatever list he feels like from now on no matter how long or short.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
that statue is of molly mallone
she died
i heard she was sick
not sure i belive it though
December 5th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
i can’t stand the feel of leather furniture. the way it feels just grosses me out. if i’m somewhere where there is one and i sit on it, there has to be a blanket or something between me and the couch so that no part of it touches me.
December 5th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
im afraid of talking on the phone. rather, talking to people i dont know on the phone. sucks because i have to call insurance companies all day. if i have to make a call, i ask one of my coworkers to call for me. my only consolation is that alot of the female insurance adjusters sound kinda hot.
December 5th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
One irrational fear I have: I can totally watch a crappy movie or TV show about people being attacked by giant spiders, bugs, or other creepy-crawlies. I’m fine with that. But I have a really difficult time playing video games where you have to fight giant bugs.
Sometimes I just tense up and can power through it… there were only like three spiders in Resident Evil 2, so I could make it past them if I gritted my teeth and pulled my neck into my shirt or something. But most of the time I just have to totally stop playing. And it’s with anything even vaguely bug- or worm-shaped: face-huggers, those Star Wars sewer monsters, Metroids, head crabs, Skulltulas, etc.
I don’t know if I just identify more with a character I control or what, but I’ve missed out on a lot of great games that way.
December 5th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
I’m scared of big machines (like oil drill thingies and massive rolling gantry cranes), because I’m afraid they’ll come to life and chase me all around the world forever. I never watched Transformers as a kid, either.
December 5th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
It’s no joke. Toilet explosions kill, on average, at least thirty thousand people a week, making it the fourth largest killer behind cancer, heart disease and Teddy Sheringham.
December 5th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
*compounding
December 5th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
*I* wonder if anybody read Dan’s post about not compunding his fear?!
December 5th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
I wonder if your fear of explodig toilets is rooted in Danny Glover’s booby-trap toilet incident from Lethal Weapon 2?
December 5th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
My toilet DID explode while I was away for a couple of weeks. When I came home, the whole basement was soaking wet and the bathroom had shit and toilet paper everywhere. I’m talkin’ on the walls, on the ceiling, in the shower, all over the sink - you get the picture.
We had to call in a plumber and our insurance company. It turned out that not only did we have to have the entire bathroom torn apart and redone, but all of the other rooms that were flooded with festering bacteria-laden water had to be gutted. Anything that was on the floor at the time had to be thrown out (and burned). All of the walls in the rooms adjacent to the bathroom were taken down up to the water line. I ended up losing several antique dressers, several pairs of shoes, a bed, a tv, a stereo system and whole ton of other stuff that had been down in the basement when the shit hit the ceiling!
Dan’s fears are not so irrational, it was absolutely horrible and disgusting (not to mention expensive).
December 5th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
btw…i looked at your name no less than 10 times just to make sure i had it right….
December 5th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Bethany I never call people by their names either…if i need to talk to them I wait until I can directly speak to them face to face…I will stop what I’m doing and walk all the way across a room so that I don’t have to call out a name……
December 5th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
I almost never use a person’s name when speaking to them, because I’m afraid I’ve got it wrong. Now that might be a normal fear - you meet someone and run into them a little while later and have the wrong name, there’s huge potential for embarrassment. But no, I take this to crazy irrational paranoid levels. I might have known this person for years, but every once in a while it will occur to me that maybe…maybe this whole time I’ve been calling them by the wrong name and they’re just too polite to correct me…
I can only remember calling my boyfriend by his name a handful of times, and then having an honest to god internal panic attack because of the ludicrous possibility that I used the wrong name.
This would make sense, perhaps, if I dated a number of people at the same time…but I don’t. I have been in an exclusive relationship for the past six months and I still have moments of panic that his name isn’t what I think it is. I try to think of surreptitious ways to check if I have it right.
I’m a god damned lunatic.
December 5th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
1) Chex Trail Mix. Once I had some while not paying attention, and one of the bites tasted funny. Then I dropped some on my foot. I looked down. It was a cockroach.
2) Shopping for clothes alone. It nauseates me just to think about it.
December 5th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
I’m not afraid of snakes coming out of the toilet… but rats….oh yes.
I also can’t go to the bathroom if there is a fly or moth or anything in it because I’m afraid it’ll fly down the toilet while I’m on it and that doesn’t even bear thinking about….eugh.
December 5th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Yeah I cannot look into a mirror in the dark, windows either. I don’t know, maybe too many horror movies. Oh, and I’m always afraid that I’m going to wake up and see that hornet’s have made a nest in my room while I slept.
December 5th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Irrational fear? im scared of fold-out couches…I don’t know why…I just feel like its gonna eat me whole or something like the friggin plant-alien in Little Shop of Horrors…
Im aso scared of cows…
but thats a LONG story….
I think just about everyone subconcuiosly looks down at the toilet before they use it. I know i do, and yea i think a snake might come out of it someday….
ALWAYS thought i was alone in thinking that…wierd!
December 5th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
I have an irrational fear of drinking straws, because one time I was trying to drink a refreshing Sprite with a straw from my cabinet, and it turned out a silkworm had made its home in it, and I sucked up a shitload of silk and the crawly maggoty thing. *shudder*
December 5th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
@Bethany
I think you meant to say Dandora’s box.
December 5th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Fish, I am completely and utterly terrified of fish. I get antsy just sitting in a room with a fish tank. And don’t even get me started on the time my parents “surprised me” with a spontaneous trip to the aquarium! My dad’s a dick.
December 5th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
@Jackson
I submit to your genius and humbly apologize for my mistake.
December 5th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
John Batman founded a settlement on the banks of the Yarra River in Victoria, Australia. As it grew into a city, they decided to call it something. It finally became Melbourne, but it was going to be called Batmania.
Damn shame it wasn’t.
December 5th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
I fear being attacked by sharks…in public swimming pools. Irrational? Yes. But still, those goddamn bullsharks (and at least one time a great white) can swim into fresh water rivers, what’s to stop them from climbing onto landlocked Pennsylvania, become physiologically adapted to a clorine/pee environment, and then patiently waiting for me to do a cannon ball?
Btw dan, loved the roofies line, and yes, toliet snakes are actually very, very real.
December 5th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Jesus christ reading all of this is giving me a complex. So many things to be afraid of that never occurred to me before. I can never leave my house again. And yet I can’t stop reading. Fuck you, DOB, for opening pandora’s box like this.
December 5th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
My deepest fear is this:
I am on a boat in the Ocea (because of this fear it is unlikely) and I fall off and land on a whale that is coming to the surface for air. If I picture it in my head I get goosebumps and shudder every time.
December 5th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Oh Man, DOB, another great article. You quote Machiavelli and make it funny! You’re the greatest!
My irrational fear?? Moths, I hate their pointy triangle heads. I know they will one day attack us and take over the world.
Thanks for the laughs.
December 5th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Two words - Dirty Jobs. Woman had a toilet in the basement that turned into a NSF with all of the neighborhood’s stuff. I forget the company but they had to clean it up. Probably does not make it better that it could be “rational” but.
December 5th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
“If someone says “I’m afraid of clowns,” you don’t hand them a clown, and you especially don’t send them a video explaining how a clown could be in their house at any moment and without warning.
Jesus.”
Hell yeah you do, because it’s fucking funny.
December 5th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
I’m terrified of moths, I’m afraid my aerosol can of shave gel is going to explode and kill me while I’m in the shower (I’m not afraid of other aerosol cans, just ones full of shave gel in my shower), and I cannot look into a mirror in the dark. It’s nothing to do with any sort of “bloody mary” nonsense; it just freaks me out.
December 5th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
DOB - I’ve been thinking the same thing. If so many people fear toilet monsters/snakes, it has to be a legitimate concern, right? This has to come from somewhere. Someone should look into this.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Update: According to these comments and a bunch of the emails, a shocking amount of people are afraid of toilet snakes. Not even just toilet animals or monsters in general, but specifically toilet snakes. Is there a myth or something about toilet snakes that makes it a possible fear?
And is it really irrational if so many people are afraid of it? Does it make someone irrational if they’re not constantly guarding themselves against toilet snakes??
Oh, and to all the people who have helpfully sent me videos and articles that explain, in painful detail, exactly how and why a toilet would explode: Seriously, go fuck yourself. If someone says “I’m afraid of clowns,” you don’t hand them a clown, and you especially don’t send them a video explaining how a clown could be in their house at any moment and without warning.
Jesus.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
BETHANY i used to do that exact same thing.
this is very strange that you and your sibling have this same fear. i thought it was just me.
i dont do it anymore though.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Snakes in toilets are real , here http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/local/news-article.aspx?storyid=40891
December 5th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
possum (possums? whatever). i am so terrified of them that i get all worked up even thinking about it. i am utterly convinced that they are the minions of the devil. i’m not just a little irrationally afraid of them. i am completely, totally, unbelievably terrified of them.
also, daytime orcs from lord of the rings. those bastards aren’t just creepy. they’re friggin FAST! and fast creepiness is the worst kind of creepiness.
also, i’m completely on board with the not looking out dark windows at night thing. i remnant of a twilight zone episode i watched when i was probably too young to watch it. i’m always positive there will be a face looking out at me. similarly, dark windows in abandoned looking buildings. i’m always afraid something will be looking out of them.
well now i’ve completely creeped myself out.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Fish.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Actually…I think I lost my virginity to that statue. Cost me about $500 worth of roofies and alcohol but it was worth it! But then her boyfreind (”the thinker”) walked in right after I finished. He was so shocked he didn’t even move, or say anything…or even breath for that matter.
And actually I have experience that hateful shit fountain you fear so much and I have the stains on my sealing to prove it. My toilet also shattered into a thousand pieces when this happened.
If you ever see a turd in the sink of a public restroom- that was me and if you don’t like it than YOU can go sit on that porcelin death machine yourself. I sure won’t.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
That statue is a statue of Molly Malone. It’s in Dublin, Ireland.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
My irrational fear is that Obama’s going to take my 16 firearms, seven of which are full automatics and recently liberated from the great country Iraq, my 8000 rounds of ammo and the four live grenades that I “found”. Or he might turn me gay.
PS Dan, the witch line was funny as hell.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
My irrational fear has to do with dangling my feet in bodies of water.
Like sitting on the end of a dock and putting my feet in the water. Not because of fish, even though that creeps me out.
No, I’m convinced there’s a dead body just below the surface.(Nothing to do with I know what you did last summer though that didn’t help.)
I’ve never worked out if I’m more worried its going to brush against me or actually grab me. (Those dead bastards…SO WILEY!)
Either way, to hell with docks!
December 5th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Well unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you want to look at it) this is not my own fear. But I think we can take a moment to remember Pickle Girl; someone who embodies the spirit and sheer terror of irrational fears.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hn_BjXzLY1k
December 5th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Thanks Mr O’Brien - the quotes from the 9-year old’s book gave me an honest laugh. You must tell us if you’ve ever tried these lines. Also, I’m tired.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
and odd numbers…I really, really hate odd numbers.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Okay I just read some of these comments and I can’t believe other people have the whole monster in the toilet fear.
I swear there is a fucking epidemic of toilet monsters. But why is it that they can only get out when the toilet is flushing? Wouldn’t that make it harder?
I also have a totally irrational fear of looking out my window at night and seeing someone’s face there, despite the fact that I live on the second floor and there is no way for anyone to reach my window. Opening my curtains when I wake up in the early hours of the morning is a terrifying ordeal.
Also - the movie the truman show fucked my shit up for years. I’ve been convinced that there are cameras all over the place, trained on me at all times, waiting for me to do something embarrassing.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Funniest thing i’ve read on this site in a while. I’m going to adapt the pick a number pickup line for my own use (A Mazda 626 Station Wagon, biatch).
December 5th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
I am afraid of people touching my neck.
I cannot shake the feeling that they are going to somehow pull out my jugular vein. I think it started as an irrational fear of vampires and then I figured normal people could pull my veins out with their bare hands, which they can’t. Or can they?
I am also afraid of rapists/serial killers hiding in my closet or under my bed. Every time i leave my room at night I have to check my closet and bed area upon re-entry. I never realized that this fear was irrational until my boyfriend stayed over and caught me checking the closet…
December 5th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
If all the world’s shit came out of your toilet, you would drown in it and die. Which would be a strangely hilarious eulogy.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Three that are definitely childhood related:
1/ I am terrified to blow up balloons
2/ Totally shitscared of bumblebees
3/ I massively and irrationally loathe Peter Fonda and My Name is Earl
December 5th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
I’m irrationally scared that DOB will be standing behind me one time when I use one of his jokes and/or pickup lines. Then he’ll call me out and crush me with his 3rd and 4th abdominal muscles (I don’t know the medical terminology, but we’ll call them “Flash” and “Ziggy”).
I can’t sleep because of this. Seriously.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Irrational fears/loathings….
I absolutely hate feet. My feet and others. I won’t touch feet, and God help you if you touch mine. They freak me the fuck out. A guy tried sucking on my toes one time because it’s supposed to be erotic and I kicked him in the jaw - it was an automatic reflex.
When I was little, I had this huge fear that there was a monster living in the toilet. If I went to the bathroom at night, I had until the sound of the toilet flushing finished to run back to my room and hide under my covers or else the monster would get me. Once under my blanket though, I was safe, and it would have to bide its time until my next bathroom visit. Years later, I mentioned this to my sister and found that she had the same fear although neither of us recall having told the other about it at the time. I can only conclude that there was indeed a toilet monster. This fear has evolved into my adulthood - anytime I use the bathroom at someone else’s house, I spend the next few hours freaking out about the possibility that I might have forgotten to flush the toilet. To date, this has never happened, but the possibility keeps me up at night.
I also have an all consuming fear of vampires. Ever since I was little, I’ve been convinced that they’re real and they’re out to get me. But I also think that my long hair is an impenetrable defense. Covering my neck with my hair will save me from vampire attacks.
Other things that scare me are elevators, my closet at night, people with tiny hands, and moths.
Also - I have an obsessive need to check and recheck locks at least 3 times.
Clearly I need psychiatric help.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
lmao @ Statues That I Kind of Want To Have Sex With
December 5th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
@Ace of Clubs
I think the name is used for a couple different insects. Here in New England, what we’d call “Daddy Long Legs” are actually a type of arachnid called Harvestmen.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
See? This article proves an inherent flaw with the Cracked structure: unorganized shit like this can often be MUCH funnier than the other dozen well-formed articles posted in a week. Dan, I’m glad you shared this with the rest of the world.
“Any time I have a question, something explodes. Why?”
HA!
December 5th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
In Dublin’s fair city where girls are so pretty
Twas there that I first met sweet Molly Malone
(The statue to have sex with.)
December 5th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Don’t feel bad Bethany. When I was little, I could not use the bathroom at all if the shower door/curtain was closed. And forget actually TAKING a shower. I think my parents let me watch Psycho when I was much too young.
I blame Hitchcock.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
When I was twelve, I opened a cereal box only to find a spider waiting for me….you could hear me screaming from across the street
December 5th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
I’ve also had a maggot in an apple. A horrible, horrible, scarring cliche
December 5th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
I’m not sure what they are called in America, or even if they are present there, but Crane Flys (In Wales we call ‘em Daddy Long Legs….at least I do). Those vindictive bastards hate me with a burning passion.
I’m telling you, they fly right at my face, over and over again. I can’t even kill them the old fashioned way, with a magazine or book. I throw a t-shirt at them, and leave them die, trapped. Maybe it’s because I’ve killed so many that they keep coming ba…….oh no……..NOOOOOOOO!…….Die You Winged Bastard!!!!
December 5th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
I also had a maggot crawl out of a pop tart once.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
I was in a public library when I read the “Irrational Fears That I Genuinely Suffer From” topic and I couldn’t stop laughing, even after I was kicked out
Thanks Dan, you got me kicked out of a f**king library for your toilet paranoia
December 5th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Oh, and by the way, the toilet exploding fear? NOT irrational. I once heard a weird noise coming from my bathroom and went in to see water pouring from out of the toilet basin (not the bowl). It was coming out from under the lid, and out of where the flusher handle goes in. So I lift the lid off, and it was like a geyser! The regulator cap (or something) had broken off, and there was a jet of water coming out of my toilet, hitting the ceiling, and coming down like rain in the rest of the bathroom. Literally, it was raining in my bathroom. Now, ok, this was the clean water coming in from the pipes, but regardless, it was WATER OUT OF MY TOILET SHOOTING UP AND HITTING THE CEILING AND COMING DOWN ON MY HEAD. I am still in therapy.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
@ Jables/Spider Jerusalem: I have the same fear! Whenever I have to open a tube of cinnamon rolls or something, I take a long metal spoon and gently tap it until it pops open about 4 feet away from my face.
I’ve done this ever since I twisted one that was kind of old, and it just exploded dough all over my body. It was horrible.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
For me it’s insects that look like plants. They’re a crime against nature and should all be terminated with extreme prejudice, just by someone other than me.
I once had a walking stick on my side mirror of my car. I worked about a mile from where I lived at the time, and I was late to work because I had to get on the highway to get enough speed for it to fall off.
My fiance doesn’t like bugs or spiders, and she made me promise to be in charge of killing them for the rest of our lives, I agreed, with the provision that all insects that look like plants would still be her responsibility.
I’m also not a big fan of plants that grow into things. Like at my grandpa’s farm, there was a tree that had grown with a heavy wagon wheel next to it, and then the tree grew around the wheel and the wheel was completely(as I remember it at least) embedded into the tree. Yech
December 5th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
oops, my bad, make that Donatello’s David.
Also, a 4-way with the 3 graced from the Louvre wouldn’t be too bad…
December 5th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
I’m really terrified of being hit by lightning, but I don’t suppose that’s really irrational, is it?
December 5th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
You would fuck the tart wih a cart?(molly malone)
December 5th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
My family tells me that a few years before I was born, an airplane dropped its portapotty waste up in the air above my neighborhood. So this enormous block of blue toilet water and shit froze in the atmosphere and fell into the living room of someone living on street.
December 5th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
C’mon Dan, you just weren’t trying with the statue list. I can come up with a bunch more:
-Psyche Abandoned by Pajou
-Pretty much any girl sculpted by Bernini: St. Theresa, Porsperina, Dapnhe (look at that mouth!), Ludvica Albertoni… actually, the Daphne sculpture (turning into a tree) could explain the fetish described in this week’s Savage Love column…
-Michaelangelo’s David. We’re all gay for Michaelangelo’s David. Aren’t we? Is it just me?
Or maybe Botticelli’s David is more to your liking, ya perv.
December 5th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
i know a chick who’s afraid of fish in aquariums
December 5th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
This one.
http://lh5.ggpht.com/_2-TUm-lq3L4/RpugE3HCAjI/AAAAAAAAAaU/uA9gdIY0uR8/DSCN0739.JPG
December 5th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
That “How To Talk To Girls” kid is a total prick, just saying.
I’m irrationally afraid of lawn gnomes, mannequins, dolls, puppets, ventriloquist dummies, and basically anything that’s meant to represent a person but not a specific person (most statues don’t scare me because they’re people, but those angels on gravestones etc. make me nervous).
I’m scared of people with a small head-to-body ratio, being turned into a plant, more than one mirror being in a room (public restrooms are hell), and being strangled by turtleneck sweaters.
I’m also terrified of clowns, but that’s not really irrational so much as a survival instinct.
December 5th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Irrational fears!
BELLY BUTTONS….I can’t believe there are two others who listed this!! I am afraid of & can’t stand someone touching mine, can’t stand to see someone touch their own, the sight of a belly buttong piercing is enough to put me off food for a week. I also can’t stand feet, but I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m afraid of them.
MOTHS. I am totally, entirely, 100% petrified of the dirty little bastards. Night butterflies- they are evil. I am afraid one will get in my house & fly into my mouth or hair when I sleep. I am afraid they bite, or are poisonous, even though every bit of scientific evidence points to the contrary. I am convinced moths will bite me. The “Lunesta” commercial with the big green lunar moth floating over the sleeping lady’s head, is what my nightmares are made of.
TOILETS- yes, I too am afraid my toilet will overflow. Not explode necessarily, but overflow so bad I won’t be able to stop it….and fill my house with 2-3 inches of sewer water. Ever since I was a little kid I have stared in horror at the toilet water when I flush, and breathed a sigh of relief when everything goes down as it should. When I was a kid, I also worried that pirates & spiders lived in the toilet hole, just out of sight, and would crawl up my butt when I sat down. (Butt-pirates! Ha!)
VACUUM CLEANERS- I’m afraid my VACUUM will explode. Not just a dusty “poof” of the bag exploding, but a fireball explosion an action-movie pyrotechnics crew would be proud of. Somewhere in my childhood I became convinced this could happen, and I still get a little jittery until the chore of vacuuming is over.
And I have a new one- having just moved to South Dakota from living my whole life in Florida, I am irrationally afraid of my gas furnace. I never ONCE used the heat in my adult life living in FL and I didn’t know one person who had a gas furnace….our heaters were usually electric. The clicking, whirring and “whoosh” noises, the visible blue flame, combined with all the “gas leak explosion” horror stories I’ve heard, are enough to make me want to turn the heater off & just wear a coat.
December 5th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
You missed a pickup line that’s sure to work every time.
“Did you fall from heaven, ’cause you’re as attractive as I am.”
Great article, DOB
December 5th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Irrational fear 1) very tall men who are quiet. It freaks me out when there is suddenly a large man towering next to me and I didn’t even hear him comming.
Irrational fear 2) balloons. Not the balloon itself so much, just the fear that it’s going to pop right in my face. God help me if it’s a tall man holding the balloon.
December 5th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
On irrational fears:
I’m afraid that when I’m brushing my teeth or washing my hair in the sink, when I lean down my reflection is going to lean out the mirror and strangle me to death.
December 5th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
“Sewage would flow majestically, as if my toilet was some sort of nightmare shit fountain that hates me”- poetry
December 5th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
my irrational fears…or rather the ones that haunt me on a daily basis are: 1. I will look out of my windows at night only to discover a horrible mob of zombies coming to get me…..not the slow Night of Living Dead ones either…..the sickening fast ones….2. ANY time I go outside at night I will be viciously attacked by some sort of animal that has been lurking behind my car or the side of my house waiting for me…..not only that but the animal will most certainly be rabid and I will die from rabies before I can get vaccinated….and 3. If I sit on a barstool somehow countless numbers of razor blades will appear on the floor blade side up so that when I get down my feet will be sliced but not enough to go all the way through my feet….just enough for the razors to become embedded in the soles……~shiver~
December 5th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
I am terrified of touching aluminium pans that have a frosted finish. The feeling makes me cringe and chills me to the bone and then I can’t get rid of the feeling for at least an hour. My husband gets mad because those pans are usually cheaper, but I always buy a more expensive baking pan just because it doesn’t have that finish.
I’m also completely terrified of crawlspaces. I think it’s the combination of claustrophobia and arachnephobia. I once stood outside my parent’s crawlspace with the light on, trying to go in to get out the xmas decorations, but sobbed helplessly for a good 2 hours.
I also think moths and butterflies are really pretty, but would totally flip a shit if one accidentally brushed by me or touched me in any way.
BTW Daniel O’Brien… Molly Malone is not only the statue you showed, but also a well known ghost. I’m sure you could try to have sex with her that way. She doesn’t know she’s dead.
Michelangelo’s David also turns me on, despite his small peen.
December 5th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
i want that fucking book man
December 5th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
DOB, your pick-up lines are the best.
December 5th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Along the road where I walk everyday, there’s the most pointless graffiti on the pavement. It’s a line with an arrow at either end. Like this: you get the idea.
At first, every time I walked over it I stood on it and walked back and forth along it for no particular reason other than because it was early in the morning and I was bored. Now I cannot walk past it without walking up and down three times, cause I’m terrified something bad will happen if I don’t. God knows why. And yes, God, if you’re not to busy I’d quite like to know why too.
December 5th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Who discovered a 9-year-old writer? And what makes him an expert. He probably slept with the publisher or something.
December 5th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
In response to the bit about irrational fears, I have the irrational fear that I will catch some kind of deadly disease from my toothbrush. It’s probably because when I was little I saw an infomercial advertising toothbrush cleaners that said whenever you leave the lid up on your toilet all the germs from the water fly up and land on your toothbrush when you flush. And this will give you heart disease. So now I always put the lid down before I flush lest I contract something horrible from my toothbrush.
December 5th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
“And if she did guess the number you were thinking of, she might be a witch.”
OMFG……I PEED A LITTLE BIT……
December 5th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Very entertaining!
You should definitely do more of these.
December 5th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
My irrational fear is that if I kill a spider or an insect, it would come back and haunt me, transformed to be bearsized and touch me with the tiny hairs they have on their body. Bleurgh!
December 5th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
very good article.
my irrational fears are as follows:
whales- it is weird, sharks i am fine with, but whales creep me right out.
the part of docks and boats that are under water.
seaweed.
the statue of liberty.
i have no idea why these things frighten me, and the statue of liberty is fine from a distance, but the idea of getting really close to it just makes me want to go hide somewhere.
December 5th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Thanks Dan, you hilarious bastard! I read “Jamaican me boner” and could not stop laughing my tits off. Problem stems from the fact I was in my university library and everyone stared. And everyone judged. And everyone hated me. And yet I couldn’t stop.
Luckily, a toilet exploded and shit went everywhere, so my laughing didn’t matter.
December 5th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
My irrational fear is that the god of the Christian bible is real.
Also, I would fuck Michaelangelo’s David. Even thought he has a small dick. I’d also fuck the Tritons in Forsyth Park Fountain in Savannah, but only a gangbang, and only during the St. Pat’s parade.
December 5th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
I just read all of the comments before this one and DOB is right, reading people’s fears *is* interesting.
I don’t want a book deal, but I *do* have a lot of time on my hands and a monstrous internet addiction.
So I have set up a fear blog
http://theonlythingtofearisfearitself.blogspot.com/
visit it and e-mail me if you want your fears posted.
I am new to the blog page thing, so hopefully I’ll learn how to jazz it up if it seems like it’s going well.
December 5th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
“Hey, what’s goin’ on with that vag of yours? Anything I’d be interested in?”
Take me now, Daniel O’Brien.
@Matt: I have an intense fear of people touching inside my belly button too. I can’t touch the inside of my own belly button without freaking out. I can’t watch other people touch their belly buttons. I just flat-out fucking hate belly buttons. And armpits. And feet. And attached earlobes.
I’m pretty much the queen of irrational fears.. I’m not even going to get into my list on here. It’d take all day.
December 5th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
That Molly one’s a goer. She loves cockles and muscles.
December 5th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I’m afraid of breaking my knees or ankles, to the point where I’m uncomfortable if my bedsheets touch them funny. If you want to know why, read the short story “Survivor Type” by Stephen King. Then freak out.
December 5th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
DOB, you must’ve left your “Holla Atta Bitch” manuscript lying somewhere, cuz i’ve been getting those lines a lot. they work too. so PUBLISH IT ALREADY!
by the way, i’m not blond, so can you change that title to something a little more non-blond friendly? thanks.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
@Matt
I recently dated a guy who was afraid of things touching his belly button (he was afraid it would hurt) and for some reason I had an overwhelming desire to stick a finger in his belly button. Never happened.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I hid one of the bodies inside a port-a-potty near Treasure Island just outside of San Francisco.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
DOB: For months I’ve been reading Cracked and haven’t thought your articles were particularly funny. This one changed my mind. You, Sir, are a veritable comedy god! Move over, Swaim. Comedy has a new name, and it’s Irish!
December 5th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I freak out if something touches my throat… I don’t know why
I also don’t like it when something touches the area just below my chest, or inside my belly button. I’ve never heard of anybody else with the same phobia
December 5th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
My closest neighboring build (.2 miles away) is a house that has been perpetually empty and up for rent since I’ve lived here, which is bordering on ten years. At some point, I convinced myself that it is empty because every time someone goes into the house to look around, a serial murderer takes them, kills them, and stores their body on the second floor. Because it’s drafty (or so I tell myself) the curtains on the windows tend to move around alot.
I’ve also determined that, if the serial murderer ever got it into his head, my house would be a perfect place to kill my entire family. So very secluded, the closest 911 unit is a fire department twenty minutes away. …It terrifies me at night…
December 5th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Some people may not think this fear is as irrational as some, but it’s one I get made fun of for having ALL THE TIME.
I’m beyond terrified of dogs. All dogs, big or small, coming into any sort of contact with me. Everyone just thinks I’m a heartless bitch because I hate animals so much, but I don’t like things that have teeth that I can’t communicate with.
I also have a fear of escalators eating my shoelaces, or making me fall and mangling my fingers/hands etc. Weird thing is that I looooove moving walkways.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Actually, I have this really weird fear that if I go to the bathroom during a thunderstorm lightning will strike and I will get blown off the toilet. I’m not kidding.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
my irrational fear is being murdered by a neighbor that’s decided to hide out in my apartment, so i check my closet, bathroom, under the sink, and behind the couch before i go to bed.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Zulchep , i too have the problem of knowing whats really down there, so you’re not alone.
NOw, DOB, i think i know how to cure u of your fear. I have long believed in one form of fear therapy, and one form only. i used it on my camp counseler who was scard of snakes and tipping boats at camp. This form, of course, is submersion therapy. Become a plumber DOB, and i garentee you, all your sewage related fears will go away. (or you’ll become a crazy raving lunatic, my like conseller, but whatever) Contact me for details.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
1. Windows at night. I have to keep all my blinds closed at night. I’m sure that if i look at a dark window something terrifying will be there staring at me. serial killers, ghosts, aliens, etc… my mind goes through every scary image from every scary movie i’ve ever seen. doesn’t matter that i live in a second-story apt now- that actually makes it worse, because whatever is staring at me through the window would HAVE to be supernatural to float there.
2. Aliens: The UFO kind, not the immigrant kind. No, to my knowledge I’ve never been abducted, or ever had a close encounter… but that’s just it. TO MY KNOWLEDGE, they have the ability to erase memory! i constantly check my clock to make sure that no time has passed by that i’m don’t remember. Also, stupid documentaries on the discovery channel or whatever about aliens make me sob uncontrollably in fear. Also, a friend once told me that maybe i had such a fear of aliens because i HAD been abducted and a suppressed memory was making me so afraid. I had to sleep at my mom’s house for a week.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Thanks, Ariel. It’s good to know I’m not alone in the whole POISDUF JSDF I AM NOT GOING IN THAT LAKE I KNOW GOOD AND WELL THERE ARE ALLIGATOR GARS AND THOSE THINGS ARE FUCKING VICIOUS JESUS CHRIST NO.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Hi Dan!
My irrational fear is that the toilet will explode after I flush and before I can get dressed and out the door. Mostly at home I am ok and anxiety free but in public this is super scary. I have to hurry, get dressed, open the stall and stand as far away from the toilet as possible and then I stretch as far as i can, flush and run.
All my friends make fun of me, but at least I will get out before the toilet explodes!!!
December 5th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
i’m afraid of getting shot in the face while at a stop light. no other part of my body, just the face. i keep imagining that i turn my head to the right just to see whats going on over there and theres just a dude staring at me, with a pistol at eye level who then shoots me in the face.
completely irrational.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Everything was awesome except the last one. That one was kinda dumb… but the picture was funny so whatever.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Great article
December 5th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
I just remembered an old irrational fear. Again in the mid-80s we had an afterschool babysitter who would only watch court shows on USA (The Judge, Superior Court, Divorce Court) and The Young and the Restless. I remember in one episode of Superior Court the defendant hung himself in his cell while they were in a commercial break. Anyway the irrational fear was that a defendant escaped from one of the court shows and was living under my bed. I had another babysitter tell me that if I said “Blueberry” three times before getting in bed, the guy wouldn’t be under my bed, but I told her that was dumb and made no sense.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I’m afraid of anchors, as well as photos (including Google Earth) of open water.
I think it stems from my fear of being in a boat that’s capsizing. Put me on the shore, and I’m fine. Put me on a boat and I flip the fuck out and end up curled up somewhere until I can go back on land.
Partly, this is due to having a loooooot of biology and zoology classes, and I know what the hell lives in the water.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
That’s the only statue you’ve ever seen that you wanted to have sex with? I’ve seen dozens, at least. I’m looking at you Winged Victory, you sexy flying headless minx.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
I have a few irrational fears.
Firstly: shadows. Not the dark, shadows. I can’t stand walking by them; I always take a long, circuitous walk around shadowy things to make sure nothing’s hiding in them (there isn’t). It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve done it, either. For example, my TV is in a nice little shadowy nook, and every night I have to walk around the room to avoid it to go to bed.
Second: bees. Oh, not irrational you say? I’m afraid of them when they’re not AROUND. I mean, when I see one I freak out, but even when life is calm and bee free, I find myself glancing at windows and vent openings, making sure a swarm of angry, murderous bees out for blood aren’t presently coming for me. Nothing bee related provokes it; just me, watching the Jeffersons or Tom Goes to the Mayor and making sure my laughter won’t be rudely interrupted by massive bee attack.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
@Ryuinz:
Was it Ghoulies? I think I remember seeing that cover too when I was a kid.
I also remember a scene from a movie (I think it was the Milagro Beanfield War, can’t remember for sure) where one character tells another character to be careful when taking a dump in the outhouse, because black widows are known to hide under the toilet rim and bite people in the nuts.
To this day I’m scared of possible black widows lurking under toilet rims.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
forgot to mention how when switching off the downstairs lights before going to bed makes me paranoid.dunno why but i run like buggery once ive flipped those switches.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:58 am
“Holla Atta Bitch: The Gentleman’s Guide to Snaggin’ Skanky Blonde Hoodrats” needs to be published NOW! I would totally buy that shit!
I loved this list. Pure genius.
I suffer from a similar affliction in the list making department. I suffer with a nasty case of “Being English” which means a lot of my list ideas would make no sense to you guys that side of the pond.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Befriend the greatest writer on this or any site. Now.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/pages/Daniel-OBrien/45034426016?ref=ts
December 5th, 2008 at 11:54 am
i have a very childish fear that whenever i walk out of my room at night, when the reat of the house is dark, linda blair will be standing right outside my door in full possesed mode, just staring at me with that evil smile. i can’t tell you how many times i’ve waited until morning to pee because of this.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:54 am
first two pick up lines are getting used tonight.bam!thats the sound that hoodrats gonna make when she hits the deck ,totally thinkin i was jokin bout the rohypnol.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Holy shit Jables, I’m the same way with the biscuits. I won’t even open them, I make my someone else do it.
You know what else totally freaks me the fuck out? The insides of peppers… the way the seeds are sticking out in rows inside the pepper? I used to have these crazy fucking nightmares that my skin was covered in these rows of half-submerged seeds that were growing on every part of my body… I can’t touch them to this day.
UGH… it gives me the fucking chills just thinking about it.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Oh and I’d dig a Copy of Holla ata Bitch! I’d buy that for a dollar.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Hey DOB, the statue’s name is Molly Malone. She hangs around Dublin quite a bit I could introduce you if you’d like.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:49 am
That was a Freakin Riot! Well done sir. With out a doubt the most entertaining writer at Cracked.
But don’t Bullshit A Bullshitter. You’ve never read Machiavelli’s The Prince. Not enough Boobs or shit blowing up in it.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:49 am
The Morris Day reference was outrageous.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Funniest damn thing I’ve read on Cracked. Sitting in the basement of a major universities library, laughing riotously at exploding toilets is a sure way to get some sideways glaces!
December 5th, 2008 at 11:41 am
yes i too would like a copy of “Holla Atta Bitch: The Gentleman’s Guide to Snaggin’ Skanky Blonde Hoodrats”
December 5th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Awesome. You should make two number lists as long as they all are a funny as this one.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Best part of Friday morning - great artricle.
My college roommate was terrified of used ketchup packets. If they were unopened - fine, but if they were in plain sight, open and all squeezed out, he’d flip his shit.
Needless to say I had a blast with that one.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:29 am
I have a fear of canned biscuits exploding in my face when I pop it open eventually leading to blindness or my face just being ripped off from the blast… I can’t open one of those to save my life. I also have a fear of cotton or any paper product being put into my mouth (sometimes it gets so bad I can’t tough paper towel without gagging), I don’t exactly know why I’m afraid of it, but it sends me running in the other direction EVERY time.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:18 am
you should do an article about why it is bad to be a journalist, lawyer, or anyone who oppose the governemnt in russia. you got lots of pre packaged ammo, like the radioaactive poisoning, mecury poisoning, getting shot in the head while hand cuffed by cops, getting some god awful poison that makes you look like emperor from star wars etc. and just add in the dan o’brien flare you might get a pulizer or even a nobel peace prize, and then in a couple months they will find you dead hanging from the ceiling by your spiderman footie pj’s
December 5th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Yo, I have gotten a TON of emails of irrational fears, and I totally freaking love it! Thanks, this is awesome. What’s great is how serious people are about their irrational fears, because it’s as serious as I am about mine. So far I think the most popular line in emails has been “I don’t know why this would happen, but I’m certain that it will,” or something similar.
If somebody out there had more time than I did, they’d start a website of anonymous irrational fears. Anyone could email a fear to the webmaster, who would then post it on the website, updated daily or twice daily. Speaking from experience, reading other peoples’ irrational fears is one of the most interesting and entertaining thing I have ever done. The site would probably get popular, like that Post a Secret site. You may even get a book deal out of it. Somebody go do that.
Meanwhile, keep those fears coming, freaks!
December 5th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Do you think that Lethal Weapon movie has something to do with the explody toilet thing?
December 5th, 2008 at 11:09 am
i’m paranoid that i’m going to get eaten by a shark. i don’t even live by the fucking ocean, i live in illinois.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:05 am
My irrational fears:
1. When I was younger and my sister and I would fly to New York every summer, I was scared that our plane would get hijacked and crash into the Hollywood sign. This was in the mid-80s and the “Hijackers” I always picked out before the flight had nose rings.
2. My newest irrational fear possibly courtesy of the Discovery Health Channel is giving birth to conjoined hermaphrodites.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:04 am
BEST ARTICLE EVER. If you’re letting your nuts blend over other things, break em out.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:01 am
I don’t think Kilmer or Clooney would mind too much
December 5th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Good point, Signe…. That has got to be the only nine year old (since lil’ Bow Wow, at least) that can actually say “I’m gettin’ paid and gettin’ laid”. Good for him.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:53 am
The article was Dan-tastic. I would like to purchase “Holla Atta Bitch: The Gentleman’s Guide to Snaggin’ Skanky Blonde Hoodrats” before Christmas if possible…
As many copies as you have, to distribute to orphanages in the inner city. For the kids. That’s what the holiday is all about, Dan.
Also, I am scared of your toilet too, but for far different reasons.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:52 am
He he… Your one-item list on the Alec Greven book… That’s funny. It’s kind of adorable though that a nine year old publishes a book… Aww!
December 5th, 2008 at 10:50 am
this article is such a riot. I think “total lack of focus and consistency” is just the trait to shoot for when trying to please the Cracked masses.
hey, WallCrawlingHero, I saw an episode of Maury once and this woman ran out of the studio screaming and crying over being exposed to a cotton ball in the same room. It was a riot for sure, but your wife is not alone.
Oops, I meant, “my girlfriend saw an episode of Maury once and told me about it and even though I didn’t want to listen, I got the jist of what she was saying against my will”.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:46 am
I would by “Holla Atta Bitch: The Gentleman’s Guide to Snaggin’ Skanky Blonde Hoodrats” in a heartbeat. I’ve just been really questioning myself as of late as to my approach to the skanky blonde hoodrats, and I’m always looking for pointers.
Seriously though, I would give you ten dollars if you made this gentleman’s guide a re occuring peice on your blog or whatever
Also, I am deathly afraid of very small hights, like ten to thirty feet. Above that I’m fine, I think it has to do with knowing I would break my legs or back but still be alive and alert and having to deal with it rather then being knocked out or splattered.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:41 am
That Molly statue is actually covered in chewing gum and shit all over her baps so you might get a little dirty.
Also dont say vag, say fadge.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:40 am
“Any time I have a question, something explodes. Why?” LMAO!! ive never laughed out loud in class before today.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:38 am
If your toilet is spouting all the world’s shit you probably shouldn’t stand there with your mouth OPEN.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:37 am
I have a completely irrational and odd fear of things being in water that shouldn’t be. It started when I saw a shopping cart at the bottom of a river (that had to be at least 20 feet deep at that point), and culminated with my mom making me fish a lawn chair out of our pool after a particularly nasty storm several years ago. I was shaking uncontrollably and had to sit down (facing away from the pool) and attempt to fish it out with a long stick without even looking.
My friends often link me to pictures of rivers/canals/swimming pools filled with junk because they’re jerks.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:25 am
I have a somewhat odd irrational fear. I’m not sure where it came from, but when I was in highschool I had to face it constantly. I have a fear of calculators (the expensive graphing ones mostly) falling onto a hard surface. The sound they make when they clatter to the ground makes my skin crawl and that shit would happen at least three times every day during my math classes. Thankfully I don’t have to deal with it anymore, but I do dream about it occassionally.
Also my wife is terrified of raw cotton. Cotton cloth is fine, but cotton balls are out of the question. And popping balloons.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:17 am
@Fiendish….Ugh! I HATE all of those as well…Or the feeling when my teeth acidentally rub together and make that horrid squeak…and the “tingley/itchy” feeling afterrwards…Bah!…
December 5th, 2008 at 10:14 am
@Nobody,
I can’t remember the name of the movie, but when I was a little kid I clearly remember being in the movie store and seeing a movie box cover with a picture of a little goblin type creature coming out of a toilet. I didn’t shit right for years. This wasn’t a dream either, I’ve seen the box other times. Really wish I could remember the name…
December 5th, 2008 at 10:09 am
this was fucking hillarious. your a genius, ahaha
December 5th, 2008 at 10:07 am
DOB, that umbrella looks broken. If you are in serious fear of standing under a volcano of all the world’s shit and feel for whatever reason that an umbrella would be an appropriate response, please buy a new one. Or let me send you one in the post.
My irrational fear is unvarnished ceramics that have the texture of a blackboard. If I ever accidentally touch such substances with my fingernails, I feel shivery for literally hours afterward. Sometimes I wrap my fingers in blanket or towel just to make the feel go away.
See also: glasses that have just come out of the dishwasher; forks on plates; the squeak paper makes if you drag its edge along a table.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:06 am
piss…toilet exploding…my worst fears confirmed.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Not to make your world worse, but exploding toilets is NOT an irrational fear:
From http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/4327354a34.html
“Seattle’s waterfront, at the base of steeply rising hills, was then a muddy swamp, so low that twice a day when the tide came in the sewerage system would back up and toilets became fountains.”
Sorry
December 5th, 2008 at 10:00 am
It’s funny, I kinda can’t stop thinking about that statue either.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:59 am
Hey, it’s the Tart With The Cart!
On the fancying statues front, though, I did have an odd experience in the British Museum, where I admired the bottom of one of the Ancient Greek statues, and then realised I was perving at a girl who had been dead for around 2500 years or so. Creeeeeepy…
December 5th, 2008 at 9:58 am
The best list ever. Awesome.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:54 am
Hilarious. “Drown her post coital”. I have a man-crush on you Daniel O’Brien.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:47 am
I’d send this through emai, but if I get one more freakin’ message from that freakin’ “mailerdaemon” thing I’ll make like one of those women from Batman.
I have a whole bunch of irrational fears, (run-in-the-mill claustrophobia and acrophobia). But the one’s I have that I rarely meet other people that have them are: My fear of balloons. I hate them. It’s the popping more than anything really…but dear god do they frighten me.
I have a fear of talking on the telephone…(I wish my ex-girlfriend had that fear…)
I’m also scared shitless of riding escalators…ESPECIALLY riding down ones…
And lastly my fear of necks. I hate looking at necks, people touching my neck, seeing other people touch their necks or someone elses and ESPECIALLY watching any neck related deaths in movies…Blech…Steven Segal movies are what nightmares are made of in my opinion.
Anyway fantastic article as always. “Any time I have a question, something explodes. Why?” had me holding back tears of laughter…
Great job!
December 5th, 2008 at 9:40 am
I never laughed for three paragraphs straight. Thank you Dan.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:37 am
I always had an irrational fear that a monster would pop out of the toilet while I was taking a dump. I hate toilets, someone should make a movie about face-eating-monster toilets.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:36 am
I would take you up on that offer of discussing irrational fears, except I’m suspicious of what you’d do with that sensitive information, Mr. O’Brien.
The exploding toilet completely made my morning.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Dear Dee Ohhh! Bee;
This is an official cease and desist order. A motion has been filed for you to end any and all references to the following intellectual property, previously owned by Skipper:
1. My fears:
a. Exploding toilets;
b. Raining sewage;
2. My exploits:
a. Statue lust;
b. Coitus-pro-Sentra
Tender love and kisses,
Skipper’s lawyers
December 5th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Yea that honour killing shite pisses me off, three or so Asian girls from my area have been killed by their families, one for going out with a jewish boy and another for wanting to move out of her family’s house. The government and the police don’t like getting involved because they don’t want to be seen to interfere with minorities. How fucked up is that. ( I live in a highly asian area of London)
December 5th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Don’t worry, I fear toilets, but only because they may yield raptors.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:11 am
You know, your fear of exploding toilets may come from that Lethal Weapon scene when they leave the black dude in the toilet with a bomb.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:10 am
I laughed, I cried (irrational fear section brought up mine), and I laughed again.
Awesome.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:04 am
FYI, the statue you want to have sex with is the Molly Malone statue in Dublin.
You know, just so you can actually do it if you want.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:02 am
interesting article.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:43 am
Our Constitution should totally have a prerequisite for superpowers for people running for office. Anyone wish to aid me in getting the amendment passed?
December 5th, 2008 at 8:41 am
I watched a movie where your really genuine fear actually happened. The toilet just erupted on 4 models! Now watching that was hilarious. But imagining that happening to me, err…not so…*voice die out* Okay, I really don’t want to imagine that anymore.
My worst fear is waking up, after all these years, to find what I should have inside my panties to be replaced by the male organ! O_O
December 5th, 2008 at 8:40 am
I think you could totally do a list-based article about writers who never should have been published. Off the top of my head Christopher Paolini, the little shit who wrote Star Wars (Dragon version), anybody who’s ever written a self-help book ever (but specifically Joel Osteen, whose toothy iridescence hurts my soul) and Matthew Lesko. That guy might also fit into real-life Batman villain territory.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:27 am
This isn’t dan(at)cracked.com, but maybe you will read it anyways.
When I first saw the second Lord of the Rings movie, I almost vowed to never watch television again. Why you ask? The trees! Actually, the fucking walking Ents to be more specific. They give me the heebie-jeebies. Then of course there was that lucky charms commercial where Lucky brought a tree to life to walk around and scare me shitless. Then there was a brief-lived commercial where a tree walked over to look at a solar-powered house. Or how about when Prince Caspian decided to jump aboard and the trees practically swam through the dirt to pull people into holes with their roots, except the holes were really small so I can imagine it being something like pushing a tomato through a keyhole. Walking trees. They are no good.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:25 am
Well yes.. Honor bound “suicides”.. nudge nudge. In sweden the term “balcony brides” has become popularised for the large number of young muslim girls from Pakistan and Turkey among others who “fall” from balconys each year. Other “accidents” are falling of tall buildings or in front of trains. The girls are presented with a choice, “kill yourself or we will do it for you”. If she procrastinates the family, usually a brother or the father takes action.
Most of them aren’t suicides at all, they are honour killings disguised as suicides. Ever herd
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4357158.stm
December 5th, 2008 at 8:25 am
That was … very odd.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:24 am
Oh DOB, you’re really on a streak lately. And by streak I mean the one in my boxers from shitting myself laughing.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:19 am
brilliant.
also: i had a very overactive imagination as a child. i was always scared of the toilet flushing, and would wash my hands and everything before pushing the lever and jumping out the bathroom, lest a monster seized me and take me down to a watery (and poopey) grave.
another irrational fear of mine (which persisted till i was eleven) was that a pack of wolves would emerge from behind the dumpster everytime i had to take out the trash, which was i would invariably put off until dusk - the optimal time for spooky shit.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:18 am
I just found some of he photos on another rich woman seeking fun site****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** , but my question is what he is doing with such a service.