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Let' face it: all the really good ideas for comic book villains were taken by, oh, around 1942. The writers have just been scraping the sides of the jar since then. As proof we offer these villains who, in real life, couldn't frighten a gazelle. #8.
The Penguin From Batman
The Penguin is a pudgy man dressed in evening wear who likes birds and has the power to disguise weapons as umbrellas. Obviously, liking birds isn't frightening or even illegal, unless it involved liking birds in a carnal way, which he doesn't. That leaves us with umbrellas.
So, here's a typical Penguin encounter with basic sports-stadium security:
Security: Sir, can I ask you to step aside?
How To Make Him More Threatening:
Oh, hey, there you go. The Headless Turkey. Picture that, this man-sized thing, standing there pointing a gun at you, with a ragged hole where its head was. You don't even know what the thing wants because it can't talk. It just stands there gesturing with the gun, while little spurts of blood jet softly from its open neck. OK, that' terrifying. Let' move on. #7.
The Riddler from Batman
Threat Issues:
The only way he could be any more worthless as a crook would be if he teamed up with Billy from the Family Circus and they left a dotted line from the crime scene to their hideout.
How To Make Him More Threatening:
#6.
The Ventriloquist and Scarface from Batman
Threat Issues: Wesker is a mild-mannered fellow who speaks mainly through his puppet and alter ego, Scarface. This is the 1920s gangster kind of Scarface, who wields a "gatt" and talks about "icing" the "broad" or "dame." Back when he was first introduced (1988) this might have been considered scary and contemporary, but now seems dated. Scarface is vulnerable to pretty much everything when he's not on Wesker's hand--fire, cars, small children--and has been destroyed by nearly every means possible in the Batman animated cartoons, including a ventilation fan and several trains. In case you're noticing a trend here... yeah, five of the eight villains are from Batman. There are actually a few good reasons for that: First, if you step to Batman, he' going to fucking end you. None of this dropping Lex Luther off in prison so he can escape for the sequel bullshit. Batman needed more villains because he killed more of them. Also, while he may be awesome, the Caped Crusader is sort of a downer. He barely talks, lives in a cave, and dresses in black. DC Comics has always relied on a steady stream of eccentric villains to provide a splash of color to Gotham. Before they ran out of ideas that splash of color came in the form of the Joker, and after they ran out it came in the form of a fucking hand-puppet.
How To Make Him More Threatening:
First of all, one of these Scarfaces would do admirably:
The only solution to the other two problems is to drop the ventriloquism part entirely, so that Wesker is actually holding a live human Tony Montana on his hand. Take an already-psychotic Al Pacino and ram a huge hand up his rectum ... there will be no survivors. #5.
The Slug from Captain America
The Slug is a crime lord who is very, very fat. If you were waiting to find out what his power is, you can stop reading now, that's it. He can apparently kill people by suffocating them in the folds of his fat. But, you know what? You can drown someone in a bowl of water, too. Either way, it is pointlessly contrived and would require a lot of henchman power.
Helping to highlight his lack of scariness is his name. Above you can see a picture of The Slug and a pair of banana slugs. Which is scarier? Which one would someone have to pay you more money to touch? Assume The Slug is clothed for the purposes of this exercise. Those banana slugs are maybe 4-inches long and already have a history of sending people scurrying to the corner in fear, whereas very fat people have a history of being pointed at and laughed at in sideshows. In a fairer pound-by-pound comparison, a giant banana slug of the same mass as The Slug-or a giant mass of writhing slugs the same volume as The Slug-would be exponentially more frightening than some guy who can't even reach his own neck, let alone yours.
How To Make Him More Threatening:
Or, keep the same guy and just give him the ability to eat people. |
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The ten eyed man from batman may not seem scary...but just look up "Pan's Labyrinth"....there's one dude in it with eyes on his hands...and its the creepiest creature that f*****g kept me awake the night i watched it
that would definitely improve Ten Eyed's appearance and overall horror i feel
Damn what the f**k is up with Chameleon and his gay crushes. First Sergie the Hunter, now Peter Parker.
this was not funny or accurate, christina and mike need to stop sucking
Okay, the last line of the article got me.
Lawls.
This was quite possibly the worst article I've read on here in a long long time.
i agree with zachstaska about calender man. and with the guy below me about man-bat. i also think the penguin should be taken off because in the television movie where batman fought dracula, penguin destroyed a few prison while he had his hands cuffed.
Man-Bat is actually threatening, and his name doesn't change that.
Calendar Man.
That's pretty much all i have to say.
Regarding the author: there were a few errors, nothing big. Just little turns of phrase incorrectly applied, but the worst (and if this is your worst, then clearly you're doing alright) was easily "Philip is the kind of guy to make lemons from lemonade". No, he's the type to make lemonade when given lemons. Or to make lemonade from life's lemons. Or something like that. To say it the way it was used in the article is to use the phrase backwards unintentionally, or to intentionally imply that he can reverse entropy.
Regarding Aunt May: Arsenic doesn't taste like almonds, that's cyanide. Why this woman has got so many damn chemicals intended pretty much for poisoning people specifically (both arsenic and cyanide have valid industrial applications, but you wouldn't find something other than 'poisoning people' that includes both) that she can get them confused is an entirely separate - and utterly horrifying - question. Maybe there should be a new list. The 7 Non-Superpowered Comic Book Characters Most Likely To Have A Cellar Lined With Their Neighbors' Ribcages.
Well, Prism's latest death wasn't even -shown-. The X-men show up at a town he helped terrorize, and find most of his head. He can't even live long enough to show up now.
WHat? Carey was a great riddler, perfect for that role. Just as Tommy Lee Jones was a great 2Face.
I really have to disagree with the choice of the Riddler from Batman. In my opinion he is an excellent villain with the eccentricities and madness mimic that of the Joker. His riddles were always interesting, and sure they were simple in the earlier days of the comic, but so were all the characters because of the time in which they were written. But as you progress later on his riddles became menacing, and he was a character that helped show Batman's intelligence. He was both necessary and interesting to watch... Jim Carey's rendition of him sucked though.
what issue of spider-man are those chameleon death scans from? I want to read that now since that's hella bizarre. I am unhappy i don't know already.
Late in the game, but how to make the Riddler more threatening? Make him the Zodiac killer.
Ummm. Stapper, that's not even a remotely crappy power. That's a freaking useful power. He probably already did the locker room thing. They didn't say he was gay, did they?
Didn't The Riddle used to sell something on TV?
Actually, the Riddler is no longer a bad guy. Runs some sort of investigative / private eye agency now. And the thing with Scarface getting chopped up every cartoon episode was a running gag, the writers just thought it was funny. Also, the Chameleon shouldn't be there. He just frequently suffers from bad writing. Penguin's OK too, with that whole link-to-the underworld thing.
Plus you missed - Ice Scream, Paste Pot Pete, Toad, Arcade, and the Super Apes.
The best thing about tbis whole article is the shot of a gagged Yvonne Craig. You know that about three minutes after that moment, she's in her Batgirl costume kicking guys very hard in the face. That sher'is a maaan's kinda woman, to quote Ol' Man Crenshaw in Boggy Creek II.
gmanyo nobody likes a douche grammar nazi
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Rather surprised you didn't put the Crimson Dynamo in there. Twelve people donned the suit, and three of them were killed, with the original and second in the same f*****g issue.
You don't even have to worry about this guy, odds are more likely that he'll lose the suit to some other dude. I mean it doesn't matter if you have a pretty cool suit if the government steals it.