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Let' face it: all the really good ideas for comic book villains were taken by, oh, around 1942. The writers have just been scraping the sides of the jar since then. As proof we offer these villains who, in real life, couldn't frighten a gazelle. #8.
The Penguin From Batman
The Penguin is a pudgy man dressed in evening wear who likes birds and has the power to disguise weapons as umbrellas. Obviously, liking birds isn't frightening or even illegal, unless it involved liking birds in a carnal way, which he doesn't. That leaves us with umbrellas.
So, here's a typical Penguin encounter with basic sports-stadium security:
Security: Sir, can I ask you to step aside?
How To Make Him More Threatening:
Oh, hey, there you go. The Headless Turkey. Picture that, this man-sized thing, standing there pointing a gun at you, with a ragged hole where its head was. You don't even know what the thing wants because it can't talk. It just stands there gesturing with the gun, while little spurts of blood jet softly from its open neck. OK, that' terrifying. Let' move on. #7.
The Riddler from Batman
Threat Issues:
The only way he could be any more worthless as a crook would be if he teamed up with Billy from the Family Circus and they left a dotted line from the crime scene to their hideout.
How To Make Him More Threatening:
#6.
The Ventriloquist and Scarface from Batman
Threat Issues: Wesker is a mild-mannered fellow who speaks mainly through his puppet and alter ego, Scarface. This is the 1920s gangster kind of Scarface, who wields a "gatt" and talks about "icing" the "broad" or "dame." Back when he was first introduced (1988) this might have been considered scary and contemporary, but now seems dated. Scarface is vulnerable to pretty much everything when he's not on Wesker's hand--fire, cars, small children--and has been destroyed by nearly every means possible in the Batman animated cartoons, including a ventilation fan and several trains. In case you're noticing a trend here... yeah, five of the eight villains are from Batman. There are actually a few good reasons for that: First, if you step to Batman, he' going to fucking end you. None of this dropping Lex Luther off in prison so he can escape for the sequel bullshit. Batman needed more villains because he killed more of them. Also, while he may be awesome, the Caped Crusader is sort of a downer. He barely talks, lives in a cave, and dresses in black. DC Comics has always relied on a steady stream of eccentric villains to provide a splash of color to Gotham. Before they ran out of ideas that splash of color came in the form of the Joker, and after they ran out it came in the form of a fucking hand-puppet.
How To Make Him More Threatening:
First of all, one of these Scarfaces would do admirably:
The only solution to the other two problems is to drop the ventriloquism part entirely, so that Wesker is actually holding a live human Tony Montana on his hand. Take an already-psychotic Al Pacino and ram a huge hand up his rectum ... there will be no survivors. #5.
The Slug from Captain America
The Slug is a crime lord who is very, very fat. If you were waiting to find out what his power is, you can stop reading now, that's it. He can apparently kill people by suffocating them in the folds of his fat. But, you know what? You can drown someone in a bowl of water, too. Either way, it is pointlessly contrived and would require a lot of henchman power.
Helping to highlight his lack of scariness is his name. Above you can see a picture of The Slug and a pair of banana slugs. Which is scarier? Which one would someone have to pay you more money to touch? Assume The Slug is clothed for the purposes of this exercise. Those banana slugs are maybe 4-inches long and already have a history of sending people scurrying to the corner in fear, whereas very fat people have a history of being pointed at and laughed at in sideshows. In a fairer pound-by-pound comparison, a giant banana slug of the same mass as The Slug-or a giant mass of writhing slugs the same volume as The Slug-would be exponentially more frightening than some guy who can't even reach his own neck, let alone yours.
How To Make Him More Threatening:
Or, keep the same guy and just give him the ability to eat people. |
Hahahah, "Unkown", that was friggin funny!
"In case you're noticing a trend here... yeah, five of the eight villains are from Batman. There are actually a few good reasons for that: First, if you step to Batman, he' going to fucking end you. None of this dropping Lex Luther off in prison so he can escape for the sequel bullshit. Batman needed more villains because he killed more of them." Batman doesn't kill and never has.
Good article, pity it had to be ruined by the spam deluge in the comments. A few things: 1. Man-Bat isn't as bad as Spider Man's Man-Spider mutation, its appearance was quite possibly the defining moment of the worst parts of the mutation arc of the 90s series. 2. Your Prism caricature reminds me of Jelly Jiggler from Bobobo.
journalfortk is right. we should do something.
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The only way the 10-Eyed Man could do any worse is if the writers created him with multiple astigmatisms that required him to wear glasses with coke-bottle lenses on the ends of his fingers.
I know! God, the Chameleon could'vd disguised himself as the Secretary of fucking Defense if he wanted the plans! Hell, that retard could've been the biggest threat in the world! For example. He could assassinate the president and disguise himself as said president and have a nice eight year run destroying America... Oh, wait, that wouldn't change anything. Nevermind :D
I've actually read that last one of the Chameleon, and that is EXCATLY how it went down. It was awesome in that he fucking deserved it: how can a guy who be anyone be so god damn stupid. You know what he did before he commited suicide? He used his powers to work as a clown. Yes.
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Great article, my wife was wondering what was wrong with me. I don't think she was referring to the laughing.
The batman villains aren't neccesarily bad. There just different from what you'd expect. Originality is a good thing. Besides not everyone is scraping the barrel. Check out some stuff by Grant Morrison.
What about the Clock King? "I'll stop all the traffic lights in Gotham! Everyone will be late! THINK OF THE INCONVENIENCE!!"
Why the F did you write this? I'm fricken sick, can't sleep, and laughing my sore throat into blistering dry-cracked pain all the while waking up my wife and kids. Jerks.
That is too particularly good. "Cracked" me up...get it? "CRACKED" me up yeah well you get it.
In the not particularly good but not completely terrible *The Batman* cartoons, Scarface *is* based on Tony Montana. It's one of their few character updates that actually works.
Loved the article... but I agree, what the HELL is with all the spam?!
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Spam.. Spammity spam spamed spam. ..spamity spam.. What's with all the spam on this page? Good article though.
The Covenant's got nothing on Otto.
Gamers are a vengeful god.
Forums so specific and so insane that you'll know you have reached the end of the Internet.
After reading this, you might want to board up your windows and load up your shotgun.
True? Of course not. But damn interesting.
Does that lab coat come in a C-Cup?
Guys, sometimes simple is better.
They probably won't get a movie any time soon.
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In Batman 575, Grant Morrison brought Ten-Eyed Man back, and Bruce burned his finger tips off with hot oil. LOL.