 Wrong type of shit. UFC 15: Mark Kerr vs. Ranger Stott |
In Mixed Martial Arts, a fighter can be knocked out instantly, slowly beaten into a puddle, or submitted from out of the blue. As a sport, it is the leading generator of oh shit moments, which is any moment that makes you say that. Here are the top eight.
Due to the nature of expletives, this was a difficult list to put together. “Oh shit!” can mean so many things. I’m terrible at examples, but say you’re at brunch, you might shout, “Oh shit, that brunch ghost has a knife!” Whereas someone else might be jumping out of a birthday cake going, “Ohhh, shit! Which one of you fellas is having a birthday party? Oh shit– Grandpa?! Oh… shit, I bet your grandson leaping from a cake with his dick out is the kind of memory that comes with a Get Out of Alzheimer’s Free card.”
Because the expression has such varied usage, this will not be a simple Top Something list. Instead, I will list only the best MMA moment from eight separate uses of oh shit.
Oh shit!
PRIDE Shockwave: Bob Sapp vs. Rodrigo Nogueira
Bob “The Beast” Sapp is 400 pounds, and if 300 pounds of it aren’t pure steroids, then someone has got to be fucking kidding. Going into his fight with Nogueira, his MMA record was 2-0 against two Japanese fighters 1/3 his size. Both fights were identical: TKO via ape spaz, followed by a post-fight interview of, “Paant! Wheeeeze! Paaaant!”
Antonio Rodrigo Minotauro Nogueria is widely regarded as one of the best heavyweight submission experts ever. So this was not so much a matchup between top contenders as it was a field test of jiu jitsu against wild animals. So no one was ready for the oh shit! when Nogueria shot for a single leg and Bob Sapp gut-wrenched him up from the mat and fucking PILEDRIVED him.
Nogueria is legally unkillable, so he shrugged it off, but the move was so awesome that Sapp wanted to relive the moment at all costs. This changed after three more failed, desperate piledriver attempts, when he mostly just wanted a nap. Nogueria won a few minutes later with a straight armbar.
To the Japanese, this was like beating Jesus in a fish-making contest. Bob Sapp was the center of Japan’s media. He had a music video, endorsed hundreds of products, and their tiny people lined up for the honor of being eaten by him. He was the Japanese equivalent of the ‘85 Bears, Crocodile Dundee, Muhammad Ali, and the California Raisins all in one.
He was making so much money that he didn’t give a fuck. He used to joke that he could corner the ass-wiping market tomorrow by putting his face on one brand of toilet paper. If there was a paycheck involved, he did whatever. He ate bananas and acted like a gorilla on Japanese TV, which in the black community is like beggin’ whitey’s pardon and askin’ if a softshoe would be to his likin’. It was racist to a point that even Bryant Gumbel called him an Uncle Tom. And Bryant Gumbel is so white that he clutches his purse tighter when he passes by President Obama.
Oh, SHIT!
Pride Critical Countdown 2004: Fedor Emelianenko vs. Kevin Randleman
Fedor Emelianenko is a merciless knockout machine that emerged from the ruins of war torn Stalingrad to avenge the angry dead. Kevin Randleman is a wrestler whose body was kidnapped by science and mostly replaced with horse DNA. After an early takedown by Randleman, Fedor scrambled to his feet and gave Randleman his back. It is stupidly inadequate to say that what followed next was the greatest suplex in the suplexiverse.
Randleman brought Fedor up in a perfect arc, jumped off his feet, and trebuchet’ed the weight of both of them directly on the point of Fedor’s head. It was like he was trying to make dinosaurs extinct again. When wheelchair salesmen watch it, their eyeballs turn to dollar signs.
But instead of bravely learning to walk again years later, Fedor swept him, got side control, punched him in the head 18 times, jumped to north-south, and locked in a kimura. All in the span of 45 seconds. For baseball fans, this is like getting your eye knocked out by a fastball, then hitting 16 home runs with one swing.
After the fight, a reporter asked Fedor how he was able to recover from such a devastating throw, and through a translator Fedor explained, “It didn’t affect me. I train to fall great distances.” Oh, shit.
Ohhh shit!
UFC 4: Joe Son vs. Keith Hackney
In the early days of the UFC, there were no rules! Snarl! Except asterisk: you weren’t allowed to bite people or drag them around by their eye or mouth holes. This lack of rules usually led to a wrestler throwing his opponent down and clumsily headbutting them until there was nothing but a bloody crater. But in UFC 4, Keith Hackney’s fists painted a no-rules masterpiece on the canvas of Joe Son’s balls.
After the fight went to the ground, Keith Hackney passed to side mount. Or as it was known back then, hey-get-up-and-do-karate-you-queers position. Joe Son confusedly held onto a kind-of guillotine headlock which left Keith’s right arm free to do whatever it wanted. And it wanted to pound balls.
Keith’s bareknuckled hand repeatedly and single-mindedly drove itself into Joe Son’s inadequate cup. The fact that it took over six blows for Joe Son to tap out can mean only one thing: vagina.
Joe Son never quite recovered from this. Using his own Jo Son Do fighting system, which I think is just Korean for “rape,” he lost every fight in his career, one of them while wearing a thong over his jockstrap. What a Fashion Don’t! That’s like your dick wearing socks with sandals.
And that wasn’t his only fashion faux pas, girlfriend. Sometimes he came to the ring in dramatic 70’s eyeshadow. He looked like a chubby alien girl trying to get Captain Kirk’s attention. Captain’s Log: Not enough space beers in the universe, homo. Captain’s Secret Log: No one must know the terrible mistake I made after 15 space beers.
There’s more to Joe Son than his caved-in balls and lady’s makeup, though: his love of Christ, throwing a shoe at Austin Powers, and of course Joe Son Do. Which now according to the state of California, actually is rape. I think Keith Hackney might have been a time traveller who went back to preemptively destroy Joe Son’s balls like you’d kill Hitler as a baby.
Watch the fight on Youtube, at least the ohhh shit! part.
Ohshit.
Fight Festival 12: Gilbert Yvel vs. Atte Backman
One of the greatest MMA knockouts is Gilbert Yvel high kicking Gary Goodridge unconscious in the only move of the fight. Atte Backman must have seen this too, because his fight strategy against Yvel was leaping onto him like a toy koala bear on a pencil.
While Gilbert struggled to get free of Atte’s pointless death grip, the two of them almost toppled over the ropes in a Greco clinch. In cases like this, the referee breaks the fighters up and tries to reset them as close as possible to how they were. This was fine with Atte, who was here to hug, but Gilbert was here to punch faces. A comical argument ensued as the referee and Atte tried to get the perfect hug reinstated while Gilbert kept pushing them away and getting in a boxing stance.
Everyone involved had wills of iron.
“Hug me, Yvel!”
“Fuck you, Atte!”
“Hug him, Yvel!”
Fuck you, ref!”
Suddenly, Mr. Yvel thought of the perfect win-win situation to these guys getting in the way of his face punching: punching the referee in the face! Eureka, and knockout. And just to show that this wasn’t some kind of accident, he kicks him when he’s down.
It’s situations like this that test a man. What would you do if you saw a trained fighter attacking a helpless man and you’re the only one who can save him? Well, this is my favorite part: if you’re Atte Backman, you immediately run for the ropes and get out of the ring! “You’re on your own, ref! That motherfucker’s crazy! You can kiss Atte’s ass!”
Ohhh, shiiit!
UFC 43: Marvin Eastman vs. Vitor Belfort
Vitor’s first four fights in the UFC were all the same. He ran in, punched his opponent in the face 70,000 times in ten seconds, and then his corner would cheer “jiu jitsu! jiu jitsu!” in victory. I think it must be portuguese for “face doctor! face doctor!” But whatever it means, Marvin Eastman should have been ready and should have brought helmet.
One minute in, a gash opens up on Eastman’s head so big that you could look in and see what he was thinking. Much like the virgin Mary appearing on a piece of toast, his forehead conjured the image of Joe Son’s knuckle-beaten vagina. It was so wide it had time zones. The doctor stitching him up had to put the needle in one end, then take a boat to the other. Needless to say, they stopped the fight so someone could cover the awful thing with some panties.
This was another difficult category to pick, since I also said a similar ohhh, shiiit! during PRIDE FC 1, where dick kickboxer Branko Cikatic illegally booted Ralph White in the head when he was down. Ralph, victor by DQ, immediately grew a silly putty egg on his forehead that ballooned into a pantyhose egg before our very eyes. To make it stranger, his cornerman was Dave “Apollo” Cook, who played a douchebag in the documentary Choke, couldn’t stop fucking with it. As the bump grew and grew, “Apollo” was poking, rubbing, and polishing it like a kid with a dead squirrel.
If I hadn’t specified MMA moments, this spot on the list would have gone to the K-1 match of Jerome LeBanner vs. Cyril Abidi. Something… evil happened during the first round, and it caused LeBanner’s forehead to swell to full elephant man. You wouldn’t know by looking, but LeBanner spent the entire fight kicking Abidi’s ass. Unfortunately, it takes exactly the same amount of time to kick a Frenchman’s ass as it does to gestate a forehead pregnancy to full term.
Watch this fight on Youtube.
Oh shit.
UFC 2: Fred Ettish vs. Johnny Rhodes
UFC 2 was crazy. It was a sixteen man tournament, meaning you had to beat four guys in one night. And when you have sixteen men, who thinks to bring backups? This led to a problem when one fighter couldn’t continue in the quarterfinals.
But there is no problem that can’t be solved with Ettish. Fred Ettish was backstage, enjoyed karate, and never doesn’t have a karate outfit with him. He emerged as a replacement fighter, still putting his gi on, while the announcer Rich “G-Man!” Goins struggled to read his fighting style from a card. “Shoren ee riimatsu… goren? Kenpo karate!”
He faced Johnny Rhodes, a doughy but tough kickboxer. The bell rings and Ettish strikes a pose. He throws a snap kick exactly like the picture in his Bruce Tegner karate book. It hits exactly where he threw it and he, Johnny Rhodes, and the people watching from home all say the same thing: oh shit. A guy who trains with nine year olds at the YMCA is in a real fight.
The fight was a perfect storm of catastrophe. Johnny was just clumsy enough that he couldn’t finish Ettish off. He beat Ettish into a meatloaf while he curled into variations on the fetal position and tried to somehow pull it together long enough to personally invent how to fight. The referee thought he was only there to check people for ninja stars, so he had no idea it was his responsibility to save someone from this type of savagery. He was only there to enforce no rules! Mercifully, Johnny Rhodes stopped dropping fist bombs on Fred Ettish’s head long enough to give it a hug, and Fred Ettish had a chance to tap out to the “choke.”
Fred Ettish never appeared in the UFC again until minutes later when the bloody remains of his face popped up behind Johnny Rhodes during the post-fight interview. It was ignored by Rhodes himself, and the production crew.
Watch the legendary fight on Youtube.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!
PRIDE 21: Don Frye vs. Yoshihiro Takayama
Don Frye looks like an old west sheriff, and Takayama looks like Japan tried to make their own Hulk Hogan out of juiced grapes. When they faced off, the two of them somehow, without speaking, managed to come to some kind of gentleman’s agreement. They decided the only move each of them would use is grabbing the opponent’s head with one hand, and punching it over and over with the other.
Within seconds, it turned into a sublime combination of ultra violence and slapstick. As they pound, pound, pounded each other’s skulls, you could see all the faces in the crowd light up with joy. Grown men, little girls– they’d been waiting their whole lives for this one perfect moment! Your brain damage does not happen in vain, Frye and Takayama!
Watch this chess match unfold on Youtube.
Oh shit?
PRIDE Bushido 7: Charles “Krazy Horse” Bennett vs. Yoshiro Maeda
“Krazy Horse” isn’t a cute nickname. Charles Bennett is a legitimate lunatic. And when he’s not strangling people professionally and recreationally, he loves to do celebratory backflips off the ring ropes. Almost always with near-death results.
I… think that’s what he had in mind when he knocked out Maeda. He cheered and ran straight for the ropes, but in his excitement, he forgot to run the idea through his head. Without cutting his momentum, he flew right over the ropes and into what I imagine is either oblivion or alligators. We’ll never know. Once it’s clear that Krazy Horse is falling to his death, the director cuts away to a shot of Bennett’s downed opponent. We’re left to assume that Charles Bennett… is lost forever.
Watch his leap of faith on Youtube.
Oh shi– OH SHIT!
TUF 4 Finale: Scott Smith vs. Pete Sell
Three minutes into the second round, Pete Sell hits Scott Smith with a huge left to the body. Most people reading have taken a body shot or had the wind knocked out of them. But what many people don’t understand is what it’s like to get hit in the liver. It’s the liver’s job to filter toxins out of your body. And when somebody’s left hand or foot slams into it, it’s like every cocktail you ever drank, every poisonous insect that crawled in your mouth while you slept… they’re all released back into your body at the same time. The end result is a lot like getting knocked out, only you’re awake for it. Your arms and legs stop working and you see an Indian with an extra horse beckoning you into the woods.
This happened to Scott Smith, and he doubled over like a cartoon. Pete Sell was stunned by his own bad assedness for a moment, then rushed in to finish his helpless opponent, purely as a technicality. But Scott! Smith! Was! Not! Done!!! He threw an overhand right into Sell’s face that removed a year of elementary school from his brain. The two collapsed on each other Rocky II style, one unconscious and the other incapacitated. The ref declared it a knockout win for Smith, exactly zero seconds before he rolled onto his back and waited to join his brothers in Valhalla. Oh, shit!
This entry was posted on Thursday, May 7th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 3rd, 2009 at 11:16 am
What, NO Corey HIll?
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:16 pm
whats up with that guy who was getting punched in his testicles? Did he have surgery afterward or something?
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Wow! This article is amazing.
Fedor got dropped on his head and recovered like nothing even happened!
October 13th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Aww man, I was hoping Jeremy Bullock would be in this one.
October 7th, 2009 at 7:37 am
[...] and I witnessed a few of these moments as they happened. this article with pics cracked me up. The Top 8 ‘Oh Shit!’ Moments from Mixed Martial Arts | Cracked.com ^ the Bob Sapp one was one I saw ^ Same goes for the Ralph White one. which cracked me up [...]
August 18th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Interesting epilogue, Fred Ettish just had a comeback fight at the age of 53 and won.
http://mma.fanhouse.com/2009/08/17/weekend-results-fred-ettish-puts-demons-to-rest/
August 8th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
They remove the last video. But you can see it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCd0tsr0mD4
July 29th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Bryant Gumbel is so white that he clutches his purse tighter when he passes by President Obama.
my throat fucking hurts from laughing at this
July 24th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Read this months ago when it originally ran. It’s just as funny today. Maybe the highest laughs-to-words ratio of any article I’ve read. Awesome.
July 12th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
You should have had videos for all three fights of that tough decision.
July 11th, 2009 at 11:45 am
go forrest tonight ppv remember
June 28th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Kimbo slice probably will gt beat down on the Ultimate Fighter but it will still be good to watch especially if Bobby Lashely does it also.
June 24th, 2009 at 1:49 am
last fight has broken link
poor quality youtube video of last fight.
Finale: Scott Smith vs. Pete Sell
here and
here
June 22nd, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Kevin S: Damn, I wish I’d thought of that one!
June 19th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
[...] posted an article of The Top 8 ‘Oh Shit!’ Moments from Mixed Martial Arts. Among these are the infamous Marvin Eastman cut, which was so big you could almost see his brain, [...]
June 17th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
This is great, not only for all the beating, deadly trows, KO’s, goofy karate men or the blood spread in the ringside, but also for seanbaby that as always make go roflol in awesomenes XD
June 9th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Oh boy, that was awesome Seanbaby, simply awesome.
June 9th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Seanbaby’s humor will never cease to amaze me. He has me LOLing all the time. It’s too bad his last OH SHIT fight was taken off YouTube.
June 9th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Everyone clutches their purse tighter when they pass by President Obama.
June 9th, 2009 at 4:39 am
[...] moments in MMA I came across this on Cracked and I thought it alot of you would enjoy this. The Top 8 ‘Oh Shit!’ Moments from Mixed Martial Arts | Cracked.com Enjoy. It has links to the fights as [...]
June 8th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
[...] The Top 8 ‘Oh Shit!’ Moments from Mixed Martial Arts http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-top-eight-oh-shit-moments-in-mma/ [...]
June 7th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
Oh Seanbaby I love you so.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Heath Herrings KO of that Japanese guy after he kissed him in the middle of the ring before the fight should be #1 on this list.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Without Cracked.com I wouldn’t have found out about
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June 4th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
“he flew right over the ropes and into what I imagine is either oblivion or alligators. We’ll never know. Once it’s clear that Krazy Horse is falling to his death, the director cuts away to a shot of Bennett’s downed opponent. We’re left to assume that Charles Bennett… is lost forever.” That had me rolling.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:27 am
this is so violently hilarious. ive only read 2 of the 5 so far and i am scared shitless to read the remaining 3 for fear that my laughter will kill someone. fuck
June 4th, 2009 at 5:04 am
Cro-Cop getting head kicked by Gonzoga was a major OSM!! that didn’t make the list
Honorable mentions include Corey Kill breaking his leg, Rio Chonan’s flying heel hook, Kid Yamamoto’s 4 sec KO
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Fantastic writing
June 3rd, 2009 at 10:10 am
[...] ago. It’s now on the web though, and it’s where you’ll find this very rad list of the The Top 8 ‘Oh Shit!’ Moments from Mixed Martial Arts by Legendary Internet Something-or-other [...]
June 3rd, 2009 at 8:19 am
This is dongtacular and hilarious.
Scott! Smith! Was! Not! Done!!!
June 2nd, 2009 at 7:46 pm
brilliant
June 2nd, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Great article, one of the best I’ve ever seen. Excellent work and very entertaining
June 2nd, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Ah yes the all-powerfull liver shot…
June 1st, 2009 at 8:01 pm
[...] The Top 8 ‘Oh Shit!’ Moments from Mixed Martial Arts [...]
June 1st, 2009 at 7:14 pm
˙looɔ ɹo ǝnbıun noʎ ǝʞɐɯ ʇ,usǝop sıɥʇ ǝʞıl ƃuıʇıɹʍ
Just a dick.
May 31st, 2009 at 5:04 pm
˙ʇoƃƃɐɟ ʎoq ǝʇıɥʍ pǝɹıɐɥ ʞuıd pıdnʇs sıɥʇ ʞɔnɟ ˙ʎssnd ssɐ ʞuɐʇs ‘pǝɥɔʇǝɹʍ s,ɐɯɯoɯ sıɥ uı ʇı ƃuıʇʇnd ɹoɟ ʎppɐp ssɐ ʎɐƃ sıɥ puɐ ɟlǝsɯıɥ ʞɔnɟ oƃ uɐɔ ǝɥ ˙pǝʞɔɐɹɔ uo ǝq ʇ,uplnoɥs ǝɥ puɐ ʇoƃƃɐɟ qɯnp ɐ sı ʎqɐq uɐǝs
May 31st, 2009 at 2:50 pm
[...] you liked that here are 8 more “Oh Shit!” [...]
May 30th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
Would you like to date an open minded girl? Yes, I’m that girl. I like handsome guys. I have a Blog in the web—seekbi.com—Guys, join and find me out.
May 30th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
i have never seen such planes
May 30th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
I like that plane
May 30th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
fine
May 27th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
And one day, mild-mannered Fred Ettish (after an unforeseen laundry mishap) bulks up, moves to Japan, shaves the ’stache, and becomes Street Fighter’s own pink punching bag, Dan Hibiki!
May 25th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
more mma stuff plz.
May 25th, 2009 at 3:13 am
Seanbaby, you are my hero.
May 24th, 2009 at 7:22 am
very entertaining
May 23rd, 2009 at 12:01 am
Boom, gutshot!
May 22nd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
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May 22nd, 2009 at 12:21 pm
You need to do a sequel to this sometime, Seanbaby. In addition to some of the ones already recommended, (esp. the Masvidal triangle) you’ve gotta include this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoFe-ZORiTU&feature=related#
Genki Sudo using a Giant Swing to get an achilles lock on…amazing!
May 21st, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Recently I found a hot club
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Just for hot tall gals and guys to find their cupid. Come on, tall singles. Don’t miss your lover.
May 21st, 2009 at 9:10 am
That wasn’t a DDT by Sapp, that was a Ganso Bomb.
In a DDT the attacker can protect the defender by holding them so that their head doesn’t actually reach the ground. In a Ganso Bomb it’s a unprotected sheer drop.
May 21st, 2009 at 9:02 am
Sean that was GREAT!! I laughed so damn hard I felt like I competed with a few of those guys!
May 20th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
Awesome seanbaby!
May 20th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
i was laughing out loud for most of this article. my belly hurts from laughing. well done man
May 20th, 2009 at 7:49 am
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May 20th, 2009 at 12:45 am
Actually Scott Smith broke one of his floating ribs, but i’m sure his liver wasn’t feeling all to hot either.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:50 am
There seem to be nine, not eight uses of “Oh Shit.” Counting fail.
Also, you neglected to mention just how unkillable Noguiera is. Namely, how he got run over by a truck when he was a kid and got put into a coma, only to GAR his way out of it and become a badass. You can still see this indentation in his back where they had to surgically removed a rib.
That being said, AWESOME article.
May 18th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Top 8 Sjukaste Fighterna i MMA någonsin!…
När man tänker Ultimate Fighting, tänker man ont, plåga och mera ont. Här är de åtta matcher som säkert gjort mest ont av alla! Naturligtvis finns det länkar till filmclips av allt det goda. ;)…
May 18th, 2009 at 7:42 am
One time i went to Bed Bath and Beyond and i could of sworn i seen a black man that looked like Charles Bennett sleeping on a showcase bed. He smelled like Old English…wait, no I did. True Story!
May 17th, 2009 at 11:34 am
I can’t believe you didn’t include Rampage’s knockout slam of Ricardo Arona.
May 17th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Fedor lose…lol dont be so absurd
May 16th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Should have included this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flsJAb-iqk8
May 16th, 2009 at 9:25 am
He threw an overhand right into Sell’s face that removed a year of elementary school from his brain…
Classic!
May 15th, 2009 at 6:34 am
[...] • Top 8 ‘Oh Sh!t!’ Moments from Mixed Martial Arts [...]
May 14th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
“He was the Japanese equivalent of the ‘85 Bears, Crocodile Dundee, Muhammad Ali, and the California Raisins all in one.”
fuckin hilarious
May 14th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
You sir, are a great man.
Made me forget about being laid off for the first time in a week.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:14 am
Nice post…but don’t call Branko Cikatic anything but SIR…
May 14th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Man that sport is fucking boring. The descriptions were way more exiting then the actual fights *wanders off to watch some Wolverine Origin*
May 14th, 2009 at 6:43 am
That was a pretty damn good list with some great writing. Thx
May 12th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
That’s not Frankie Edgar dumbass that’s Scott Smith. Check your facts before you post you pussy ass bitch!
May 12th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Scott smith isnt the dudes name in the last oh shit, its frankie edgar
May 12th, 2009 at 2:09 am
So, wait…is the poster below me black or not?
Am I black?
May 12th, 2009 at 12:55 am
Fuck all you dumb Cracka ass faggots! Obama is nothin’ but an Uncle Tom cock sucker of white slave driver’s! Let’s go back to Africa Mutha Fucka!
May 11th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
[...] [...]
May 11th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Funny shit..
Ibh…. You remember that from the movie Purgatory, I suspect..
May 11th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I laughed like a loon at this article. And I have some context for that laughter, if you feel like reading a long-ass anecdotal comment.
I’ve known two guys who were into MMA - one competed, the other didn’t - and their psychology was strikingly similar. The two men never met, either; one lived in the midwest, the other in the southeast.
The competitor lost his father in very early childhood, and the replacement stepfathers (there were several) made for a lot of disapproving old men who wanted him out of the picture. This probably is what drove him to such hyper-masculine behavior; to be an even bigger and tougher man than all of them put together. To reverse the roles he knew as a child.
The other guy was similar. His parents divorced when he was a kid, and his father was a real boss hog deep south policeman asshole who never supported his own son in any way. His mother wasn’t so sweet, either. The stepfather was a cruel bastard, but at least he would try to get along from time to time. This meant the world to the guy, despite how poorly he was treated otherwise.
So it seems “daddy issues” is what drives guys like this to want to beat each other half to death. They all want to be the biggest and baddest men in the world, because they were made to feel so small and powerless while growing up.
I would say they ought to confront those issues and try to overcome them so they can live a brighter and more enjoyable life. But most of those meatheads don’t have the intellect to do so. Beating each other’s brains out is probably the apogee of achievement for them.
May 11th, 2009 at 6:35 am
I have to say, Seanbaby. When it comes to writing comedy….this is going to sound ridonkulous I know…but your word choice is so hilarious, I find myself actually coming back just to read sentences you wrote over again. There are very few comedy writers I find myself doing that with. I would say keep up the good work…but you have been at this for like..what…13 years now? So..uh…continue doing that thing you be doing.
May 11th, 2009 at 5:29 am
“Fuck Whites. Fuck these pasty bitch ass hoes!”
“dad you’re drunk!”
Awesome!
May 11th, 2009 at 5:25 am
At the poster below me:
Stop harrassing the poster below you!
At the poster below the poster below me:
Dad, you´re drunk!
May 11th, 2009 at 12:53 am
At the poster below me:
Ouch, man. Words hurt.
May 10th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Fuck Whites. Fuck these pasty bitch ass hoes!
May 10th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Does anything please you, haters? Anything at all?
Every article Seanbaby has written for this site is immediately bombarded with comment like “You suck!”, “Not funny!”, “You don’t belong here!” or “This other jerkface on this site is funnier than you are!”. Since you’ve all seemed to elect yourselves as the Mayors of Comedytown, why don’t you start writing for the site then? Or does your obvious lack of a sense of humour cripple your abilities to do anything?
Anyways. Great article Seanbaby. You write some hilarious shit. Keep up the good work.
May 10th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
[...] “Oh Shit” moments in MMA history. [...]
May 10th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
go die seanbaby!!
May 9th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
@ Cube
Dude..did you just drop a Hulk Hogan promo on us? Is that legal?
May 9th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
How the hell did Fred Ettish not make the cut for UFC Undisputed? He was robbed!
May 9th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Remind why i should give a fuck about this?
May 9th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
er…”can’t”
May 9th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Slightly off-topic: What’s that “indian beckoning you into the woods” bit originally from? It’s making me a little crazy that I can remember where I saw it.
May 9th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
thanks for doing this one, the best list iv seen so far
May 9th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
i am super unbelievably pleased that seanbaby is doing things on the internets again and even more pleased that it is happening at cracked.
i no longer have to go to two different websites to read some shit. thanks, cracked.
thracked.
May 9th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
@Eh,
Listen here Bobby “The Weasel” Heenan! You can’t disguise yourself here ‘ya pencil neck geek. This piece was a riot! Where does the Kimbo Slice debacle rank with the Black Sox?
May 9th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
This was definitely better than Seanbaby’s other recent articles.
Still unfunny juvenile shit, though.
May 9th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
WAR SEAN BABY!!! SEAN BABY vs. MICHAEL SWAIM FOR THE CRACKED HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD!!! 5 ROUNDS!!! BIG JOHN MCCARTHY IS THE REF!!!
May 9th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Really funny article. I loved it! Big MMA fan and really funny writing. You made my Saturday! Thanks.
May 9th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Awesome article… best Ive ever read… funny as shit.
One problem…
It says Fedor is a knockout machine and hes only got 2-3 of his W’s via T/KO, hes a ‘punch your face to death then break off your arm’ machine.
May 9th, 2009 at 3:12 am
5 words: Denis Kang vs Murilo Rua. Holy fuck, holy fuck…
May 9th, 2009 at 2:39 am
Honestly, this was easily one of the best articles I’ve ever read on Cracked. As a longtime fan of both this website and MMA, I demand a sequel. As many of my fellow fans have noted, there are many more MMA moments worth mentioning, although this was a very solid and hilarious list. How about throwing in Rampage’s powerbomb vs Arona? Or Masvidal being choked out by the inverted triangle in Bellator recently? The Herring-Nakao KO defnintely deserves a mention. Maybe even a few of Shogun’s face-stomps that actually landed. I know I flipped my shit when Genki Sudo bounced off the ropes and ninja-turtle flying side-kicked (AKA “Fred Ettish”-ed) the elastic cartilage out of Butterbean’s hamsprout of a neck. Just some thoughts.
Thanks for posting this, I loved it.
May 8th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
Oh I hope they overturn the gay marriage because I only have on hole (or two *wink*) for one person. That’s you Sean BABY! You’re so fine with your crazy hair and swagger and everything. Hot Man Love rules!
May 8th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
OMFG! WRESTLER MUST COME IN MMAA SEE GET KNOCKED ON HIS ASS BY WHAR LESNAR IS A JOKE@!!! ! -
Oh wait - I love WWE!
It’s like jerry springer meets the cirque de soleil (sp?)
Classic stuff.
May 8th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Wow - write anything about MMA and the rabid fan boys come out foaming at the mouth….
Sheesh.
Anyway - this is one of the funniest articles I’ve read in a while.
Good job!
May 8th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
I love you Seanbaby. You are my father’s father’s son’s son’s son.
Problem I have with MMA is that with every one of these moments, you have a million moments of two dudes rollin’ around not doin’ anything. I understand that it’s strategy, but I get bored easy. Which is why I watch WWE, where men like to talk each other down for 15 minutes before doing anything.
And before I get all of the WWE bashers on my ass, let me give a side note:
THIS IS A COMMENT SECTION ON A COMEDY WEBSITE. I DO NOT CARE THAT YOU THINK MY HOMO FAUX SPORT IS STUPID. I DO NOT CARE THAT YOU EXIST, BECAUSE FOR ALL I KNOW YOU DON’T.
Still, that won’t get through anyone’s head.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Move over fore fathers of our country, this is THE BEST THING EVER WRITTEN!!!
May 8th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Hilarious! One of the best MMA fight re-caps I have ever read. EVER.
May 8th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
I’ve seen Scott Smith workout at the California Family Fitness here in Elk Grove and I don’t think he’s of a Viking heritage LOL!
May 8th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
I could give a flying fuck about the MMA, BUT I do respect every athlete performing there.
Oh and nice article Seanbaby, your shit is just amazing.
May 8th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
From MMA IS THE BEST:
“who ever said “fuck mma” is a stupid dumb fuck who has never seen or been in a real fight boxing dosent do shit when you get knocked on the groud your a dumn nigggggerrrrrrr go suckk a boxers cock assuming he has one”
Wow man you are one racist prick. How do you think guys like Rashad Evans, Lyoto Machida, Tito Ortiz, or Takanori Gomi would feel if they heard that from one of their “MMA supporters? Get with the times man racism is dying. Oh and to Jimmy Donahue, quit talking smack. Why don’t you try and create an article, structure it, and try to make it hilarious? I think you’re just a bitter loner with no self esteem who has to hide behind a monitor like a “keyboard warrior” just to make himself feel better. I’m sorry your daddy didn’t love you enough.
To Fuck MMA? Listen man quit hiding inside your plush Orange County house bumping that Tupac thinking you’re hood like Mayweather. MMA is a growing sport and it’s just hitting the mainstream. Boxing has had many many years to go and develop itself and it does take a ton of training and determination to get into and so does MMA. In MMA you do have to cross train in order to stay on top (a la Georges St. Pierre). Why don’t you watch an MMA event with a BJJ expert. He’ll tell you how everything works.
May 8th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
This is a terrible article. It wasn’t a Cracked article; it was so specific. It was repetitive and uncreative.
May 8th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
you win.
May 8th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
this is awsome! but i remember seeing something about a guy kicking his oppenent and breaking his ankle.. if thats not a OH SHIT moment then i dont know what is
May 8th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Seanbaby,
I always read at least some of your column, waiting for you to impress me, or make me laugh.
You never do.
Please start being funny.
May 8th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
who ever said “fuck mma” is a stupid dumb fuck who has never seen or been in a real fight boxing dosent do shit when you get knocked on the groud your a dumn nigggggerrrrrrr go suckk a boxers cock assuming he has one ….. you probley tryed mma and got knocked the fuck out like a bitch would so go fuck your self
May 8th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
This makes no sense to someone who doesn’t give a crap about ‘greased, buff dudes who hug the shit out of each other’.
It is probably very funny to the target audience, but you’d find better readers by shopping it as a comedy article to an actual MMA website.
Not trying to be an asshole here, but it just didn’t feel like a cracked.com article. It’s not even a similar format.
May 8th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
really? it’s all about boxing? because even if you’ve never participated in either, all you have to do is think about it and automatically you’ll understand mma is much more complicated. in boxing, your combinations can be as extensive as you want them to be. in mma, throw more than 3 punches and you’ll have to defend the takedown. in boxing, you can slip a jab, weave under the straight, and come back with a left hook of your own. in mma, you try to slip a jab and you get kicked in the head. in boxing, you train exclusively with your hands, day in and day out. come fight time, there’s really hardly anything your opponent can do to suprise you because no matter what, he’s completely limited to punching. in mma, train exclusively with your hands, you get taken down, mounted, you give your back after getting punched in the face, and then you’re choked out. game over. i mean come on, there’s just so much more to mma than boxing. that being said, i bought the pacquiao vs. hatton fight earlier this month because i’m a strong supporter for both sports
May 8th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
“Your arms and legs stop working and you see an Indian with an extra horse beckoning you into the woods.”
Fucking. Awesome.
I didn’t even know it was Seanbaby until I hit the comments. Nice work.
May 8th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
MMA is a sport for wimps. It’s all about Boxing bitches. Anyone can shave their head into a mohawk and get into a street fight. These bitchass white boys can’t even master the sweet science. Fuck em’ all. Money May 2009 bitches!
May 8th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Seanbaby, this is by far the funniest thing I have ever read on this website. You are the man. Keep it coming. And if you want, keep doing articles about MMA. I can’t stop laughing about “…one year of elementary school knocked from his brain before rolling over to join his brothers in Valhalla.”
HAHAHAHA…. Oh my GOD, dude. Fucking hillarious.
May 8th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Seanbaby, your mastery of hyperbole is simply sublime. I don’t even LIKE mixed martial arts and I thought this was beautiful. Except for all the blood and carnage, of course.
Actually the blood and carnage too, in retrospect.
May 8th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Brilliant, Seanbaby. The Indian with an extra horse line is going to haunt me for years.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Oh god, I felt so bad for Fred Ettish. It’s so motherfucking hilarious the way that the commentators lionise his ability to take hits. A personal favourite: “I think Johnny’s showing some empathy…which is a good thing” wow. Two fighter’s that are supposedly in the same league, in fact Ettish is like 4 levels above Rhodes on the Karate Hierarchy. The final scene in which Ettish’s vacuous husk is jadedly staring into the camera before being ignored by EVERYONE (probably including the medical staff as he’s still bleeding) enabled Fred Ettish to win the 1984 Personification of Dejection award (PODA), congratulations Fred! and as a prize? Free, yes free dry cleaning for that gee which was sullied by your ‘hero juice’ being spilled.
May 8th, 2009 at 7:43 am
I have not laughed so hard since I’ve been in the military…and I’ve laughed very hard.
May 8th, 2009 at 7:11 am
That was easily the best article I’ve read in a long time.
May 8th, 2009 at 7:02 am
This was beautiful.
May 8th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Seanbaby, you have a place in my heart. I can now look forward to your posts with the same zeal I reserve for your fellow bloggers. (Since I know your validation hinges on my opinion of course)
May 8th, 2009 at 6:22 am
Fantastic article.
May 8th, 2009 at 6:21 am
That was one of the funniest list of commentaries/descriptions I have ever read - had me laughing so hard I was crying!
Great job!
May 8th, 2009 at 6:21 am
[...] The Top Eight OH SHIT! Moments In MMA History [Cracked] [...]
May 8th, 2009 at 6:12 am
[...] best article on mma you will ever read 8 05 2009 …can be found here. It’s where I found this great .gif of Bob Sapp piledriving the Nogster and it gave me a case [...]
May 8th, 2009 at 6:04 am
I haven’t seen so many fanboys licking, nuzzling, and slurping at a virtual cock since the last “Watchmen” review I read. Holy shit. I’ts a good thing I’m into the guy-on-guy action, or I’d have run screaming after looking at these comments.
Funny article. Shitty film clips and pics. Not as good as Six Endangered Species That Aren’t Endangered Enough, but better than most of the rest of the Cracked articles on my personal sliding scale.
May 8th, 2009 at 1:42 am
this site can only be described best by this words;
HOT
SIZZLING
SCORCHING
TORCHING
BLAZING
Fantastic work Sean, thanks for the funny comments and the nail bitting encounters. i have also had some SHITTY experience while sparring, my head received some severe back knuckles and was almost reduced to pulp. furthermore, when i kept feeling a burning sensation at my ears afterwards. i did not hold any grudges and learnt to never drop ur guard and to be more observant. This sunday i will be attending MY FIRST TOURNAMENT. do u have any advise u can SHARE to an amateur like me. i would also appreciate advise from other martial arts enthusiasts. mail me at king_mwang@yahoo.com
king’ori (AFRICAN KENPO FEDERATION Nairobi, Kenya).
May 8th, 2009 at 1:06 am
Emelianenko VS Arlovski was the real WTF moment. If you can watch that without WTFing you suck.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkHYHBm2cOk
May 8th, 2009 at 12:17 am
[...] Top “Oh Shit!” moments from Mixed Martial Arts. The site’s language may be NSFW, but I included it anyway as the [...]
May 7th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
It’s Randy Couture not “Konture” bitch: im_da_best says you should get a life, so why don’t you take his?
May 7th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
Read the mag for 30 yrs now I cack ma dacks at the cybermag, like crack only cracked, I been hooked for decades. And to think my old man used to kick my arse for laughing in the middle of the night, now I yell at my kids for the same thing only they read it on a laptop. You guys rock.
May 7th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
I did laugh out loud quite a bit as well. However I must concur with a few of the other commentors. Only that 1) list could have been longer (obviously a good thing, it just means more good comedy!) and 2) there’s at least 2 videos of people breaking their SHINS on YouTube. A few people said it before, the corey hill leg break will change lives! Joe Rogan does everything BUT say “oh shit.” As much as I want to go and kick things when I get angry, I think of corey hill, then go back to calmly playing video games
May 7th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
thanks for that.
May 7th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
That is one f the funniest articles I have ever read. Brilliant, I was in tears…!
May 7th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Amazing stuff and I was laughing out loud several times. Thanks for the great article and trip down MMA memory lane!!
May 7th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
There’s actual MMA fighters posting comments on this article? Huh. I thought they were contractually obligated to not being able to read.
May 7th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A
May 7th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Fuck! Laughed my Ass of at 7 o clock in the morning! Now I need a belt XD
May 7th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Ha ha Sean Baby you’re a real fucking funny guy. Almost as funny as Loretta Cunt with her shitty articles, but you poke a ton of fucking fun at our sport. It’s fucking awesome man. Thanks for giving our fucking sport more fucking exposure. Good or bad it helps me line my fucking pockets with gold and puts my fucking kids through college. I just don’t like the fucking fact that you put in that fucking Ruskie Fedor in your fucking article. Fuck that guy and his faggot Sambo styles. So what if he fucking knocked out Tim Sylvia fuck him too for leaving me to fight an over the fucking hill Ray Mercer. RAY FUCKING MERCER!!! BTW what’s with the fucking “Seth Petruzelli?”
May 7th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
Wut iz Em Em Aye?
May 7th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
It’s Randy Couture not “Konture” bitch Says:
Listen I maybe an MMA knobshiner, but please leave us the fuck alone with our sport.
Damn, man. You need to get your panties untwisted. I realize you might be a fluffer for MMA wannabees, but I don’t think that qualifies you to defend the sport. And anyways, just how long have you been Randy Couture’s bitch?
May 7th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
HOLY CRAP!!! I sit in a cubicle in a quiet office - and this damn article got me in trouble man - I was trying to keep my composure, but I chuckled till I turned red then bursted out in laughter at the ‘Ninja Star’ part - oh God…he’s there to referree…NO RULES…..hahahahahaha ohhhh man, this is without a doubt the funniest piece on Cracked…and there’s a lot of funny mofo’s on this site. Bravo sir!
May 7th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
「And when he’s not strangling people professionally and recreationally, he loves to do celebratory backflips off the ring ropes. Almost always with near-death results.」
Seanbaby…you continue to make me crack up with some of the best word combinations I have ever read. I end up crying at my desk from laughter.
May 7th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
It’s Randy Couture not “Konture” bitch .. SHERDOG MUCH !?! GET A LIFE.
May 7th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Some great memories in this lot!
May 7th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
I’ve been reading this site for about two years now, and have read your stuff for a lot longer through EGM. I have to say, this is by far the funniest article I have ever read in either. I’m lying in bed reading this, and trying not to wake up the whole house with my laughter!
Seriously, this is fantastic, glad I can finally let you know how much I love your stuff after reading it for so long.
May 7th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Long time reader, first time commenter. This is by far the funniest article I’ve read on Cracked in a long time. Fried gold.
May 7th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Great more TUF noobs to come in and wreck our sport. Thanks a lot Sean Baby you faggot. You were great with that 20 worst games of all time article, but God Damnit you’re going to bring in more assholes who are just going to watch MMA and not give a shit and think that it’s just a “gay” sport when prized grapplers take it to the ground and show off their technique. Listen I maybe an MMA knobshiner, but please leave us the fuck alone with our sport.
May 7th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
i’ve never been to this site or even ever heard of it until someone posted this link in the forums. after reading the article i have to say this was some funny shit. even though i’ve seen all of these fights the article went over i never really found any humor in them until now.
hopefully your other articles are just funny.
May 7th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
This is the most hilarious thing I’ve ever read.
May 7th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
oh yeah… previous commenter reminded me: the brunch ghost line was one of the funniest things I have ever read on Cracked.
May 7th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Amazing. MMA always sounded like something I’d like but every time I caught a fight it was pretty dry… now my curiosity is re-piqued
May 7th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
You had me from “brunch ghost.” Seriously funny shit.
May 7th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
I firmly believe that Scott Smith faked how bad he was hurt by that blow in order to catch Pete Sell. Look at the replay over and over again and it will become clear.
May 7th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
[...] The Top 8 ‘Oh @$%&!’ Moments from Mixed Martial Arts [...]
May 7th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
What about the Kimbo Slice TKO. I oh shited fo sho.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
how about the time frank mir broke tim sylvia’s arm and referee herb dean actually did say ‘oh shit!’
by the way, i’m neither small-cocked nor adolescent. just to clear that up.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
“And Bryant Gumbel is so white that he clutches his purse tighter when he passes by President Obama.”
Heeheehee. That was a fantastic line. It’s official. I’m now hooked.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
This was fantastically well written, but I don’t care about Mixed Martial Arts and people who do care about it are normally small-cocked adolescent assholes. Apart from the actual fighters, obviously. They’re lovely.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
How about the real shit in the pants moments?
Tim Sylvia shits his pants
May 7th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
great list, but this writer is fucking GREAT. this was one of the very few cracked articles that was actually witty, clever and entertaining to read.
no cliched crap and not pretentious or clueless blah blah- whoever wrote this, i applaud you. i enjoyed the read.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Search Youtube for “Savate Fighter vs. Sumo Fighter”. It’s basically a pre-weight-class UFC fight pitting Hawaiian E. Honda vs. Powder. It lasts about 25 seconds(despite what Bloodsport would have you believe, sumo wresting does NOT translate to MMA) and is damn funny.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Not enough Fedor armbarring Hong Man Choi
May 7th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
you totally missed wen arlovski straight cracked tim sylvia and then sylvia got up and knocked him out. when i think of oh shit! i think of that haha.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Man,this article was so hilarious it makes me want to watch more MMA.
There is always more room for mindless violence in my still developing mind,lol
May 7th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
There could definitely be another list of oh shit moments, this was very entertaining, and I laughed heartily :).
May 7th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Hilarious. Loved everything about it.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Seanbaby, you’ve sucked so far. I don’t mean to offend you too much, but I haven’t seen anything from you yet that was at the quality I expect from Brockway, DOB, Swaim, and even Bucholz. I’d be glad to keep readin and see if you post anything better, but so far I haven’t been wowed.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Gay
May 7th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
What about the “Fight For The Troops” when a leg kick broke that guy’s leg.
that was an OH SHIT for me.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Is this the same Seanbaby that does the hilarious BrokenPixel videos for 1up and awesome last page randomness in EGM? If so…. I love you Seanbaby, “Who’s fucking driving to a Hooters, and then a second Hooters”?!
May 7th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
i’ve never watched MMA, but this article is amazing
i’m sure my coworkers must think i’m nuts sitting here trying to stifle belly laughs
May 7th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
I don’t give a crap about MMA but I still thought this was a hilarious article. I think that says a lot of good things about Seanbaby’s writing style. Good job.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
how about Quinton Jacksons powerbomb on Ricardo Arona:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSKYBszEjs0
Great article!
May 7th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
And what about the Rampage powerbombing Arona?Or Cro Cop high kicking the living shit out of Vovchanchyn?Or When Silva stomped the shit out of some Jap dude?Or when Silva kneed Rampage so badly Rampage was left ko’d arms to his body hanging on the bottom rope?
May 7th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Great article. I laughed throughoutly and I don’t even care for MMA
May 7th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I want Seanbaby to kick ME in the liver! That would be a most honorable way to DIE!!!!!
May 7th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
I’d hate to fight a ‘dick kickboxer’
May 7th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
“…check people for ninja stars…” might be my heartiest lol.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Sapp lasted longer against Noguiera..the beting countinued to the frst half of the second round,and THEN Noguiera pulled an arm bar on his ass!And Noguiera said that he almost forfited the fight as to the amount of beating he took during the fight.Sapp has jack shit technique but damn the fucker’s big!
May 7th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
It is a true testament to the awesomeness of Seanbaby, that I really enjoyed an article about MMA tournaments!!! (BTW, I HATE MMA tournaments of EVERY kind!)
I laughed out loud several times. Seanbaby, you rocked my face off!!! As always!
May 7th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
[...] Moments of MMA Jump to Comments This is my personal favorite. Be sure to check out Cracked to see the other 7. PRIDE 21: Don Frye vs. Yoshihiro [...]
May 7th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
“This is one of the best things I’ve ever read…Now, I must go. An indian with an extra horse is beckoning me into the woods.”
Ya rly, now THIS is why SeanBaby is totally aws. Possibly my favorite cracked article evar. So perfect with the content and the humor.
May 7th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
This is one of the best things I’ve ever read…Now, I must go. An indian with an extra horse is beckoning me into the woods.
May 7th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Maybe you’d like to produce for Cracked and provide better video footage for your article Mr. Comfort of your Couch, fucking critic, safe behind the monitor in your whoring Mom’s basement you fat, lazy-assed prick?! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=14&sku=ENGL-CD00328
May 7th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Hey man why don’t we light up and reminisce about Patrick Smith vs. Scott Morris. That was an oh shit moment right there. Scott Morris forgets to throw his caltrops on the octagon floor and just rushes right into Smith where he tosses his faggot ass on the ground. Smith mounts this bitch ass nigga and just starts whomping on him like a pussy ass white boy on El Dorado Blvd. in Stockton. Fuck yeah! Legalize that Weed dude!
May 7th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Why don’t you ask some of Bas Rutten’s opponents (i.e. Jason Delucia) what happens when you follow the Indian into the woods.
Keek to deh Leever!
Danga da danga da dang!
Heel to deh balls!
Smack his face!
May 7th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
The Krazy Horse one was lame. You cant see anything happen. You absolutely wouldn’t know anything happened to him if you didn’t say so. At least not with that video. And I’m surprised the pre-fight kiss=knockout one wasn’t on the list.
May 7th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I agree, the Corey Hill leg break definitly should be up there.
May 7th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
http://forums.mmaweekly.com/showthread.php?t=21445
peep the thread and do a top 20!
great writing
moar
moar
May 7th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Hilarious and awesome.
May 7th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Kudos, you had me laughing my ass off through all the article and hardly anything makes laugh out loud these days.
May 7th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
[...] 7, 2009 in comedy, mma the cracked.com article has the lolz enough but some sure fire “oh shits!” were left off ol boys over at [...]
May 7th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I didn’t think this was gonna be funny. It turned out to be one of the better sports articles on Cracked. Nice job.
May 7th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
The explaination of the liver shot was on point! I’ve yet to find out what happens when you follow the indian into the woods though…
May 7th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Oh, I think it wasn’t clumsiness on the behalf of johnny Rhodes. I think he just realized how Ettish wan’t up for this at all and some form of pitty kicked in. I mean it’s probably one thing to mercilessly beat up some vicious fighter that knows what he’s doing… but I think none of those guys would beat up, say, a puppy.
May 7th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
How did Heath Herring getting kissed by Yoshihiro Nakao during the stare down not make the list? That was two “oh shits” in one. First the kiss and then Herring promptly knocking the fucking shit out of Nakao because of the kiss. That was followed by Herring apologizing to the crowd for not being a homosexual.
May 7th, 2009 at 11:56 am
[...] The Top 8 “Oh Shit!” Moments from MMA [Cracked] [...]
May 7th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Simply the best read ive ever had on cracked.
May 7th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Hey cracked, did you know you can actually just link right to the point in the fight that you want us to see? Give it a try next time.
Just add: “#t=XXmYYs” to the video link. xx = minutes yy = seconds
May 7th, 2009 at 11:42 am
I think I would have included Corey Hill breaking his leg:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeNj3DBviSM
May 7th, 2009 at 11:42 am
I had to cover my mouth while reading this. I was at work and could barely keep from laughing out loud and giving away the fact that I wasnt doing any work.
Truly a piece of art.
May 7th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Oh Shit! This is the best article I’ve ever read.
May 7th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Best description of a hook to the liver I’ve ever read. Damn, that was funny.
May 7th, 2009 at 11:35 am
immediately go read everything at http://www.seanbaby.com
HOBO BABY DOES COUNT AS LEATHER DAMMIT
May 7th, 2009 at 11:27 am
One of the best articles i’ve ever read on cracked!
May 7th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Absolute gold. The metaphors, the imagery… Brilliant. I’m glad you’re here, Seanbaby!
May 7th, 2009 at 11:21 am
How about when Heath “Crazy Horse” Herring knocked out his Japanese opponent during the stare down when the guy tried to kiss him:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDafeHoypnA
May 7th, 2009 at 10:59 am
“I’m terrible at examples” - Fuck you.
May 7th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Holy shit Seanbaby makes me wet
May 7th, 2009 at 10:31 am
I agree that Seanbaby is easily the best writer on Cracked right now.
I even read some of his stuff twice right after another
May 7th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Don Frye vs. Yoshihiro Takayama was just wow! Brilliant article!
May 7th, 2009 at 10:19 am
U should… people may like you more: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=32&sku=E-CD00268
May 7th, 2009 at 10:13 am
I agree. This is easily one of my top 10 favorite articles I’ve ever read on Cracked. I’m at work, so it was KILLING me trying not to laugh out loud, lest my boss find out how I spend my time when I’m not being watched.
May 7th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Someone forgot to tell Fred Ettish that this wasn’t a Kata Demonstration tournament.
May 7th, 2009 at 10:02 am
in the all-time list of awesome cracked articles
May 7th, 2009 at 10:00 am
I don’t give out praise very often but this was some of the best writing I’ve came across online. Well done.
May 7th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Good article, and extremely funny jokes.
May 7th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Awesome article! Seanbaby is hands down the best writer on Cracked.com. Every sentence is perfectly written and hilarious. Cant wait for the next one!
May 7th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Can you please do every other MMA fight ever? Normally I don’t get that worked up over them but this was an awesome read.
May 7th, 2009 at 9:32 am
“And Bryant Gumbel is so white that he clutches his purse tighter when he passes by President Obama.”
LMAO
May 7th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Best Oh Shit moment for me…
“Oh shit! This article is fucking awesome!”
May 7th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Great read.. i’ve seen all those fights and not only did you explain well you also made me laugh more than a few times
May 7th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Wow…I wasn’t a fan of Seanbaby…until now. Great article. Actually, the best one I’ve read on cracked.com in recent months!
May 7th, 2009 at 9:17 am
too many niggers
May 7th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Great Article!
May 7th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Great article! Keep writing for Cracked!
I think Gabriel Gonzaga’s KO kick to the head of Mierko Cro Cop a few years back was pretty nasty. It looked like Cro Cop’s head flew off.
May 7th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Also a big OH SHIT moment was when Fedor Emelianenko was basically knocked out on his feet and STILL managed to win by K.O.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqp572F7j84&fmt=18#t=5m13s
May 7th, 2009 at 8:59 am
What an excellent posting. Thanks, Seanbaby. Keep em coming. ‘A guy who trains with nine-year-olds at the YMCA is in a real fight,’ was my favorite.
May 7th, 2009 at 8:55 am
awesome list, all classics
mma definitely has some great oh shit moments
May 7th, 2009 at 8:55 am
funniest article on cracked in years… i gotta agree with crypticcypher …the dan savern german DDT on the kungfu guy is real oh shot moment for me!!
May 7th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Awesome article.
In my opinion, there was more “Oh shit”-ness to the Krazy Horse fight than his victory suicide jump. I mean, I haven’t seen much of this kind of fighting, but I never thought I’d see someone do, in a real, not-WWF-fake match, what Krazy Horse does at the start of that match. I actually shouted “Holy shit!” when I saw his two-legged kick.
May 7th, 2009 at 8:53 am
I don’t think I can finish this at work. I nearly bit my tongue off trying to stifle the laughter…and it didn’t even help.
May 7th, 2009 at 8:48 am
There should be a warning about not reading this at work for fear of getting fired.
May 7th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Absolutely, the funniest thing I have ever read. Dear. God.
May 7th, 2009 at 8:42 am
You need to write more MMA articles. Too many “journalists” cover the sport like it’s golf. Very entertaining.
Just to add a couple more to the list.
1. Kazushi Sakuraba Vs. Ricardo Arona: Sakuraba got cut and Arona fingered the cuts until Sakuraba’s eyes swelled shut. Truly disturbing.
2. Mark Coleman 2000 Pride GP victory celebration. If you think Krazy Horse’s celebration was funny check this out. Coleman makes Igor Vovchanchynn submit due to knees to the head. Coleman proceeds to climb the ropes, fall, and tear off into the crowd hugging (mauling) little Japanese people.
May 7th, 2009 at 8:39 am
this is the funniest article i have ever read
May 7th, 2009 at 8:34 am
[...] Cracked.com has a list of the Top 8 ‘Oh Shit!’ Moments in MMA. Let me just say, it’s nothing short of awesome. Here’s what they had to say about the classic Frye vs. Takayama fight-to-the-death: Don Frye looks like an old west sheriff, and Takayama looks like Japan tried to make their own Hulk Hogan out of juiced grapes. When they faced off, the two of them somehow, without speaking, managed to come to some kind of gentleman’s agreement. They decided the only move each of them would use is grabbing the opponent’s head with one hand, and punching it over and over with the other. [...]
May 7th, 2009 at 8:31 am
And Bryant Gumbel is so white that he clutches his purse tighter when he passes by President Obama.
+1
There’s a photoshop-in-the-making
May 7th, 2009 at 8:28 am
That was one of the most well written articles I’ve ever read. Joe Son IS a convicted rapist BTW. So much for the loving Jesus and bringing the cross out to the octagon. You should have shown Mark Coleman’s roid rage moment after he lost to Russian Badass Fedor. Anyone who would have gotten in his way after the fight would have shit his pants. Oh yeah I think Vitor Belfort brought an axe with him to that fight that night.
May 7th, 2009 at 8:25 am
The one-liners killed me.
Also:Captain’s Log: Not enough space beers in the universe, homo. Captain’s Secret Log: No one must know the terrible mistake I made after 15 space beers.
You’re not human to compose such consistently funny articles, seanbaby.
May 7th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Holy shit! I honestly can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. This whole article was fucking hilarious!
May 7th, 2009 at 8:00 am
The only thing I wanted to mention was that the Sapp/Noguiera match was 15 minutes long. Not 3. It went all the way to the second and Sapp beat the living shit out of Noguiera. Not only the piledriver but rocked him standing, defended a kneebar by sitting on his skull, and delivered a flying punch that would of made Sakuraba proud.
Noguiera’s worst beating for sure.
May 7th, 2009 at 7:57 am
so funny i had to print this page out and read it in the bathroom of work cause i was laughing so hard after the first paragraph
May 7th, 2009 at 7:49 am
Moments like these make MMA even greater.
I’ve gotta agree with I-Rod on the Goodridge/Herrera KO. I saw that on a “Best UFC Knockouts” once, and I couldn’t help but think that Herrera woke up days later in the hospital with severe brain damage.
May 7th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Holy shit, I’m gonna have my roommate kick me in the liver now!
May 7th, 2009 at 7:40 am
I have never been interested in MMA, but that Krazy Horse video is pure comedy gold. I would give most anything to see the next ten seconds of that fight, because I am utterly convinced at this moment that he simply flew away because he was needed elsewhere.
May 7th, 2009 at 7:36 am
HOLY CRAP! I haven’t even finished the article, I can’t read, I have tears pouring from my poor eyes! All it took was this one line… “And it wanted to pound balls.”
Awww man, thats a classic. Okay, I think I’ll be fine now, hopefully I’ll be able to finish this sucker like Keith Hackney finished Joe Son’s balls.
Great work!
May 7th, 2009 at 7:27 am
I’ve seen UFC only a couple times, I gotta watch it more, seriously.
“So big it had time zones”. I’m SO stealing that joke dude.
An evidence of how funny this article was is that I know very little about the UFC (like I said, I’ve only watched it about two times) and yet I couldn’t stop laughing.
Keep up the good work!
May 7th, 2009 at 7:25 am
Great article! Very funny, and you clearly know your stuff.
You’ve probably already read these extraordinary posts from Fred Ettish about his fight, but just in case, here’s the link:
http://www.whaledog.com/2006/06/remarkable-fred-ettish-posts.php
May 7th, 2009 at 7:20 am
This was one of the most well written and funniest articles I’ve read on this site. Good work!
May 7th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Wow, totally amazing dude!~
RT
http://www.privacy-web.net.tc
May 7th, 2009 at 7:18 am
i wanna see jet lee ge involved.
my favorite here is :
“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!”
May 7th, 2009 at 7:17 am
You forgot big tim sylvia’s “OH SHIT” moment where he leaves a lil something extra in his shorts
May 7th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Good list, but I think it missed the biggest oh shit moment I remember which was the triple german suplex by Dan “The Animal” Severn. That was the most videogame like moment in any MMA I have seen where he channeled King from Tekken and destroyed the poor lightweight sent in to fight him.
May 7th, 2009 at 7:04 am
I don’t watch fighting, so I don’t know much about it. But, funny overall.
May 7th, 2009 at 7:04 am
That has to be the most i have laughed in ages.
Great job Seanbaby
May 7th, 2009 at 7:03 am
Somebody is a little over critical… Jack. I am looking at you.
May 7th, 2009 at 6:52 am
Great list but Rampage’s slam on Arona has to be there
May 7th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Wow….great stuff. I was a grumpy motherf*cker when I came to work this morning. But this turned me right around. It’s been a while since I laughed so much in one article. Thanks seanbaby.
May 7th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Not too bad, actually. At least you got the Beast powerbomb, Frye-Takayama and the Randleplex. The rest are kinda odd choices that could probably be swapped out. Maybe for some newer stuff, like Zaromski’s moonsault double stomp. On the whole, though - not bad. At least it’s a somewhat unique list.
May 7th, 2009 at 6:39 am
Nice. My boss was confused as to why i was LOL while working. i am supprised to see no Eirc Esch (Butterbean) Oh Shit moments
May 7th, 2009 at 6:35 am
…urp! THANKS A LOT!!! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=4&sku=ENGL-CD00260
And Jack? Stop being a critical Jack-off you fucking, cunty, lame-o, loser, couch critic with crotch cooters! U Fuckin’ Dick!
May 7th, 2009 at 6:27 am
you cant even see most of the pictures. this is fucking poor.
May 7th, 2009 at 6:24 am
oh my god, *brunch ghost.* also, 15 space beers.
I laughed pretty much the whole time, but the idea of a good punch to the vagina not doing anything significant in the realm of pain made me cry a single tear of womanly anguish. Vagina punches hurt.
May 7th, 2009 at 6:20 am
much awesomeness
May 7th, 2009 at 6:19 am
The beginning of the end of my coach’s last fight was a solid knee to his opponent’s liver. After the fight, he kept claiming my coach kicked him in the nuts, but after reviewing the fight from multiple angles, he finally conceded. He then told my coach that it was as if he had balls all over his body, and my coach hit him in all of them at the same time.
It’s good to see you’ve finally found a place to write the MMA article I know you’ve been dying to submit, Sean.
May 7th, 2009 at 6:12 am
holy shit, best writer on cracked
May 7th, 2009 at 6:05 am
[...] paste the article because there are all kinds of graphics and vids you need to really enjoy this. The Top 8 ‘Oh Shit!’ Moments from Mixed Martial Arts | Cracked.com Mods feel free to move after awhile, but I wanted folks to have a chance to read this. [...]
May 7th, 2009 at 6:01 am
I’m dissapointed that there wasn’t a full article dedicated to Don Frye’s mustache
May 7th, 2009 at 5:56 am
One of the funniest articles I’ve read. The one problem with this is I’ve been trying to convince other people that MMA is a serious sport (and not, repeat NOT just brawling). This article destroyed all my hard work in one fell “oh shit!” moment.
That UFC 2 was a joke. So funny to see that dude who clearly had no idea what he was in for, lie back and kick from the floor, like my sister always did.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:51 am
I got one more
Oh Shit, that guys dead
Gary Goodridge vs. Paul Herrera
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0-nNZw3dSo
Seanbaby, I gotta give you bonus points for putting in the masterpiece that was Don “Mike Haggar” Frye vs The Hawtness
May 7th, 2009 at 5:51 am
I hurt myself laughing.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:49 am
This was awesome.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:48 am
As someone who knows nothing about MMA I can safely say this article had me suppressing the lulz at work big time. Good job.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:40 am
Jeff do you care to elaborate?
May 7th, 2009 at 5:38 am
You should have mentioned that Nogueira weighs 250+. That’s insane!
May 7th, 2009 at 5:34 am
the fight with Fred Ettish is almost sad to watch. It’s like watching the little nerdy kid that claims to know karate going against the school bully and getting his ass handed to him. I think in the first 10 sec of the fight Ettish’s brain was thinking, “ShitshitshitshitshitshitSHIT!!!”
May 7th, 2009 at 5:30 am
Good stuff. I was surprised the elusive double-KO didn’t make the cut!
May 7th, 2009 at 5:19 am
This was hilarious, a great way to start off my day. Thank you SeanBaby
May 7th, 2009 at 5:14 am
Was? No double knockout refereed by happy-dancing Shonie Carter?
May 7th, 2009 at 5:11 am
I must say, these are terrible “Oh Shit” choices.
I don’t even watch the UFC, Pride or other fighting leagues regularly and I can still think of and remember tons of better “Oh Shit” moments. I think a little more research was needed.
Keep trying Seanbaby, Keep trying…
May 7th, 2009 at 5:10 am
“Randleman brought Fedor up in a perfect arc, jumped off his feet, and trebuchet’ed the weight of both of them directly on the point of Fedor’s head. It was like he was trying to make dinosaurs extinct again. When wheelchair salesmen watch it, their eyeballs turn to dollar signs.”
1. You turned “trebuchet” into a verb.
2. You rule.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:06 am
“Your arms and legs stop working and you see an Indian with an extra horse beckoning you into the woods.”
Awesome line. And that punch also broke at least one of Smith’s ribs.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:57 am
Brilliant!
May 7th, 2009 at 4:57 am
Awesome! Nice choices
May 7th, 2009 at 4:47 am
the first few ufc’s were as great as “bloodsport” was in theory
May 7th, 2009 at 4:45 am
first