Cracked.com’s Editor in Chief Jack O’Brien purposefully power-walked up to my desk. In his right hand: My latest Cracked piece. In his eyes: Fury.
“Dan, we need to talk about your Thanksgiving Day Piece,” he said when he approached.
“What about it,” I asked, without taking my eyes off of the internet pornography I was currently viewing.
“What about it? What about it? Dan, I can’t print this. I can’t print it, out of a professional obligation, as an editor of this site, and I can’t print it out of a moral obligation as a responsible human being with a soul.” Ugh. He was always going on and on like this. We get it: You have a soul. Move on.
“I gotta tell you, Boss, I’m a little bit surprised. You were the one who asked me to write it, in the first place. Remember?”
***
“Dan, it’s November, which means one thing,” Jack said. I already knew exactly where he was going with this.
“Hookers,” I shouted. “Way ahead of you, Boss, I’ll get some right now.” I picked up my phone and hit “2″ on my speed dial.
“No, Dan, November does not mean hookers.”
“I’m not sure I follow. You’re saying you want less hookers, or just fatter hookers?”
“Hang up the phone, Dan.” I hung up and threw my phone across the room as hard as I could. Why even have a phone if you can’t use it to buy hookers. Jack sucks.
“November means Thanksgiving, Dan. I’m gonna need you to write a Thanksgiving-themed article. The pressure’s coming from upstairs to do a genuine Thanksgiving piece. No jokes, no gimmicks, no bullshitting. Something factual and authentic. And I need you to do it.”
“Me? Why me, Jacktkus?” He squinted at me, clearly not getting the reference.
“‘Jacktkus?’”
“Oh, ‘Mr. Shatkus’ was the name of my English teacher when I was a freshman in high school.”
“Wow. That was a pretty bad nickname choice.”
“Well, he was a pretty bad teacher. But anyway, why me? Why can’t you make one of the other guys do it?”
“Because the other guys produce quality work on a regular basis, and none of them have cost this company millions of dollars in Hannah-Montana-related lawsuits.” He had a point.
“Fine. But what the hell should I do about Thanksgiving?”
“I don’t know. You could do a history piece; discuss the birth of Thanksgiving and its evolution over time. Or, go out and volunteer at a homeless shelter. Feed people, help people and write about your experiences. Real human interest stuff. Do something nice.”
“Well that doesn’t sound like something I’d do.”
“Come on, Dan. It’s Thanksgiving time. Look into that big heart of yours and do some good in this world.”
“‘Big Heart?’ Jackula, the Sweet Baby Jesus saw fit to bless me with only two extra large body parts, and I can assure you that my heart is not one of them. One’s my sweaty, throbbing brain, and the other one, well…it would impolite of me to mention it.”
“I really apprec-”
“My weiner. ”
“Christ.”
“The other one was my weiner.”
“Are you positive I haven’t fired you yet?”
“Look, you’re straying from the issue. The point is, you want a Thanksgiving article, so I’ll come up with something. Some kind of dogshit ‘History of Thanksgiving’ thing, yeah? Sound good?” I love pitching articles when I know for a fact I’m not going to write them. This was one of those times.
“Dan, I don’t care what you do. As long as it’s an authentic piece about Thanksgiving and gets you out of this office for a few hours I’ll be happy.”
***
“See, Jackawanna County? You said I could write whatever I wanted. You said you didn’t care.”
“I also said it had to be factual,” Jack whined, like a big baby. I made a mental note to remember “Jactual” as a future nickname.
“Right. Mine’s factual. Mine’s got dickloads of facts.” Jack started grinding his teeth, like a giant baby, but with man-sized teeth.
“There is nothing factual about this,” Jack shouted, slamming my piece down on my desk. I looked down at it for a second, admiring my work.
“I’ll be honest: I see nothing wrong with this.”
“Really? You can’t find a single thing wrong with this article? Really? You and Andrew Jackson, despite the fact that neither of you were present at the first Thanksgiving? Despite the fact that it’s impossible for you two to ever meet? You can’t find anything wrong with that?” I couldn’t. I mean, gun to my head, I guess I could say that there wasn’t enough nudity on the cover, but there’s more than enough nudity in the comic itself to make up for that.
“Why don’t we dive right in, then,” Jack said, “because the Prologue alone has enough historical inaccuracies and graphic descriptions of your genitals to get this comic banned in any self-respecting library.”
“It goes on like that for a while, Dan. Do you know that you never once mentioned Pilgrims in this entire comic? You did 617 pages about the first Thanksgiving, and you didn’t give Pilgrims even a passing acknowledgement. ”
“Well, to be fair, Boss, I wanted to stay as true to the real story as possible. Frankly, the pilgrims didn’t play a big enough role in the original Thanksgiving. There really wasn’t any room for them, with all the important stuff that I needed to cram in there.” Jack started flipping pages.
“Important stuff like this?”
“Uh, yeah, Boss. What could be more important than killing Robot Hitler? I’m beginning to think you know nothing about history.”
“Skipping ahead, you’ve got this bit about a bomb, in the White House.” Jack peruses his notes. “Yeah here it is. ‘Our heroes go to the White House and beat Robot Hilter at Mixed Martial Arts fighting, only to find out that there’s also a bomb they need to disarm. Now, even though there’s like six retarded things in that one sentence alone, I’m a little confused about this page:”
“This all seems pretty straightforward, Boss. Robot Hitler’s heart was a bomb.”
“Right, I got that. Who the hell is the Snake Wizard?”
“Oh, I was gonna introduce him in the Christmas Edition. Andrew Jackson and I met the Snake Wizard when we had to take down Bizarro Jesus in the Alternate Future…I guess I can understand how that might be confusing to a first-time reader, I’ll be sure to footnote that or something. Thanks.”
“There’s no need to footnote it, Dan, because there is no way this comic book is ever going to run anywhere. I mean, did you do any actual research for this article? At all? Historical butchery aside, you’ve also got this convoluted subplot about Santa Claus inventing AIDs.” I nodded severely. AIDs was no laughing matter.
Jack massaged his temples.
” Dan, I don’t even know what particular group is even supposed to be offended by that, but I guarantee you that, whoever it is, they will shut us down for it.”
“I’m willing to make sacrifices for my art. If you need to get fired, or even kicked around for a little while, I am more than willing to let that happen.” Ignoring me, Jack kept flipping through the comic. He found something that appealed to him. Or, possibly, outraged him. I was never good at deciphering someone else’s emotions.
“Here, you’ve got about 26 pages of you and President Jackson double-teaming Pocahontas, and that just won’t do, Dan, it simply won’t. I’ve let a whole lot of your crap slide in the past, but I draw the line at you and a former President “Eiffel-Towering” an Indian Princess.” What an oddly specific place to draw a line. “Some things are off limits, and Pocahontas is one of those things.”
“More like Poke-ahontas, am I right, Guy?” Jack slammed his fist down onto my desk.
“They sound exactly the same. That’s not a joke that works in a spoken conversation, god dammit.”
“Okay, you’re clearly mad about something, so I’m just going to give you some time to relax and calm down. Maybe when you publish that comic, you’ll feel a little better.”
“Dan, I’m not publishing this. Aside from a bit in the prologue about smallpox and this awful Pocahontas Sex Interlude, you never discuss the Indians, you barely mention turkey, and, if you consult a history textbook, I think you’ll find that the first Thanksgiving was between the Pilgrims and Indians, (not you and a dead president), involved turkey, (not Guinness), and happened out in the woods somewhere, (not a Hooters in New Jersey).”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t publish this. And I guess I’m not really that sorry, actually.”
“Jack, if I could just plead my case one last time,” I said, unzipping my pants.
But he was already gone…
***
And that, Dear Readers, is the story of the First Graphic R-Rated Story of the First Thanksgiving Story. Because of Jack’s fear of new and exciting ideas, the actual comic will never see the light of day. (And isn’t that the kind of close-minded thinking that inspired the Pilgrims to leave England in the first place? I’m honestly asking.) Instead, you get these samples, and you have to just trust me that the rest of it was even more incredible. That’s a promise, folks. An oath that I swear upon the bones of Pocahontas that I have stored in my pantry. (I bought them years ago, planning to use them in an extremely elaborate practical joke that didn’t quite pan out.)
Perhaps someday this comic will make it to the stands and perhaps, on that day, families will come together to read and enjoy it. Together. They’ll be so thankful that they got to read it, perhaps they’ll even share a meal to celebrate. That’s the kind of world I want to live in. Until then, I guess there’s truly nothing in this world that’s worth being thankful for. That’s the truth.
Anyway, Happy Katanakka everybody.
This entry was posted on Friday, November 28th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 11th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
This made me laugh so hard that I couldn’t breathe for a while. Awe-some!
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:10 am
Holy Jesus. Amazing article. EVERYONE: Click the link referencing Katanakka, if you’ve never heard of Dr McNinja. Do it. Like, now.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I am pleased to see that authors are clarified on this website “to the extreme”
July 27th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Hell yes! Dude, I’d so buy that comic, just for the hell of it.
Jack knows nothing! Robot Hitler MUST be stopped!
July 9th, 2009 at 3:26 am
@JonCave
honestly, did u not read the very top of the page, it says with extreme clarity “By: Daniel O’Brien”
also thats not spiderman, well it technically is but u should know that DOB is spiderman
July 7th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
This article literally made milk shoot out of my nose. I say “well done” to whoever the hell wrote this. Spider-man and Andrew Jackson vs. Robot Hitler
May 20th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Please Actually Make An Article That Has a Full Story About This. I Need To Know About Santa and His AiDs Virus, Or I Will Never Truely Be Able To Appreciate Thanksgiving.
May 20th, 2009 at 2:20 am
I like your website ,and like to communicate with everyone on this issue!
April 3rd, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Looks good! Very usefulGood resources here. Thanks much!
April 3rd, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Very good website you have here.
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:23 pm
hi, you have super site.
April 3rd, 2009 at 3:19 am
you have done great research on this topic. i didn’t know many things about it. as really helpful. reading short information is always awesome rather than reading insanely huge books!
I didn’t understand nookat people, both sides
March 11th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
Late in finding this, but by God DOB, you’re amazing. Seriously epic work yet again.
December 30th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Have a Draft of the screen play written “accidently” leave it on a metro stop in front of FOX…..have them make the movie(because I know they will work there asses off to have it comp Watchmen) and then dive bomd the shit outta Rupert Murdoch for the rights and leave him with asshole looser than Jeffery Domers. Now that much he deserves!!~~GREEN LIGHT PPM~~
December 11th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
have it published and made into a movie.
’nuff said.
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Well neither one of them careD about Santa Claus and your besmirchment thereof, So……FUCK THEM BOTH!!!SIDEWAYS!!!!!
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:27 pm
I think you might be jumping to conclusions, Sarge. Alice Huang’s name-link takes you to “cai.com,” whereas Alice’s takes you to “eai.com.” Two different websites. It’s very possible that they’re two different Alices.
And now, you’ve got egg all over your face.
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:35 pm
HEY ALICE!!! I DONE TOLD YOU, YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!!! I CARE!!!!!!!SO SHUT THE FUCK UP GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:24 pm
OH NO! Someone already made that joke. Damn!
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Should have said Poke-a-Hot-Ass
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:26 am
Who cares? We only care how to find these celerbities. Lucky me. I found Hilton on a celeb and millionaire dating site. Its name is like****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ****** or something
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:54 am
I care alicehuang…….I care , because you just don’t piss all over Santa in my neck of the woods and get away with it. So there, bitch.
December 2nd, 2008 at 7:44 am
Who cares? We only care how to find these celerbities. Lucky me. I found Hilton on a celeb and millionaire dating site. Its name is like****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ****** or something
.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:11 am
“Dude, if you read the whole comic, you’d know that it’s just a leftover fake Santa from the Santa Clone Wars of 2025. The Jackal had a few tricks up his sleeve when he cloned all those Santas.”
Oh …..Well….. you should have said he was a fake Santa to start with, or better yet let us read all of, what is sure to be, the greatest graphic novel since “Watchmen”………No…..not really.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Excellent read, DOB.
December 1st, 2008 at 5:40 pm
DOB, you are the man. Ever since I read Bartender, I have been reading every single article that you come up with. This has to be the best one in a long time and I’m not saying that the other one’s weren’t good.
Keep up the good work and make sure that you get me a signed copy of Bartender when it gets published!!
December 1st, 2008 at 10:37 am
As always, Cocker-Daniel, you do not fail to deliver. Great stuff, I’ve never known Thanksgiving involved so much railing. Also, Jackson’s ability to teleport answers so many of history’s unanswered questions…
December 1st, 2008 at 9:17 am
Nice Watchmen reference!!
Where does the Death Star come into play??
Seven thumbs up.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:45 am
Yes, Alicehuang, it is definitely O’Brien on that site. Now run along there immediately and don’t come back. Fucking Trawls (did that debate ever get settled?).
December 1st, 2008 at 7:24 am
I am such a big fan of you since last year. Wish everything goes well for you. Can you do me one favor? just tell me is it you on W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ==.
November 30th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
How did I read a post that large I will never know… no wait! I know, DOB rules
November 30th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
This is quality. I loved the double weiner statement
To be honest though, I kind of agree with Jacktaculus, you got the history a bit wrong…where were the radishes Dan? Where was the army of Rasta pensioners? And where the fuck was I?! Did you think I wouldn’t remember bumping into you two scamps in the woods? When we all smoked pot with the REAL Robot Hitler - bizarrely and coincidentally in disguise as as THAT HOOTERS GIRL.
November 30th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Awesome.
November 30th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
Hilarious!
November 30th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
*Points at Robert*
I really like this guy!
November 30th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Ronaldoling,
I’m assuming - because of your difficulty understanding simple concepts, and because your username is based off of “Ronaldo” - that English might not be your first language. So I’d just like to let you know that, here in America, what Dan just did to you is called “getting fucking schooled.” And since education is a fundamental building block for a better life, it would be polite to say “thank you.”
But don’t feel bad! Remember: Every day is a learning adventure!
November 30th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Dude, if you read the whole comic, you’d know that it’s just a leftover fake Santa from the Santa Clone Wars of 2025. The Jackal had a few tricks up his sleeve when he cloned all those Santas.
November 30th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Well that’s great Dan , but your still fucked for besmirching Santa’s image…… unless you apologise to him right now.
November 30th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
@Ronaldoling-
I hate taking the wind out of your sails, dude, but you’re not really giving away any surprises. Ignoring the fact that, as one of the original editors, Pinkerton’s style greatly shaped the voice of Cracked, I’d been reading Pinkerton for years before I came to this site, and his style had a HUGE impact on me personally, and I don’t think I’ve ever denied or tried to hide that. (Also, writers are often influenced by other writers…that’s kind of part of how it works.) To get compared to him, (even when done in such a violent, dickish fashion, as in your case), is still an enormous compliment to me. (So, thanks!)
And you’re not, like, a brilliant historian by bringing up Pinkerton. He was still here a year ago, dude. Everybody on the site knows Pinkerton’s work, (and if they don’t, they should seriously do their homework).
And it’s not “odd” that I was here when Jay was here. He helped get me this job.
November 30th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Ronaldoling McGoal Punch can go get his dick chopped off, Brockway style.
Brockaway Beach! How did I miss that one?
November 30th, 2008 at 11:23 am
I’m already psyched for the Christmas version.
Do we really get to say “Irish Pride” to DOB? Firstly, that’s a brand of sliced bread. And secondly, is he actually Irish?
November 30th, 2008 at 7:44 am
I dont care this,i just wondering it is wrong for a man have a rich woman or a woman have a wealthy man?It is an absolutely extramarital relationship. but
more and more services come out on Internet focusing on this kind of relationship. such as … W e a l t h y B e a u t y . c o m … it’s
the biggest dating site for wealthy and successful people.
November 30th, 2008 at 7:44 am
Bullshit plagiarism.
Concepts and style stolen directly from Jay Pinkerton.
Search on Cracked, he wrote shit like this all the time and was actually good at it. His articles are still here, he left and was replaced by Wong.
Oddly, Jay was around when they hired Dan, So I guess it’s not too surprising Dan’s attempts at scouring the archives for material ednded up with him ripping off Jay’s stuff.
November 30th, 2008 at 3:39 am
Don’t worry Dan, if the oh so intelligent trolls on Digg have taught me anything it’s that Cracked.com is an evil organisation that use hundreds upon thousands of fake accounts to fraudulently propel their articles/blogs/videos to the Digg front page.
Either that or we’ll all just sick fucks.
November 30th, 2008 at 2:17 am
i really missed this stories!
dan the man!
November 29th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
I wasn’t through…… So on the cover of your graphic funny book, you showed yourself the same height as Jackson, which is a very big lie. So what did you do shrink Jackson with artistic license or is the cartoon you wearing very high Disco Stu platform heels.
I’m the group you offended with your portrayal of Santa Claus and you best be apologising, not to me but the man at the North Pole………..like NOW!!!!!!!
November 29th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
You suck O’Brien……..Santa Claus does not wear a swastika armband nor is he responsible for AIDS.
Because you have pissed all over the one icon I still respected and like ( Santa ) I’m going to point out the most glaringly historical inaccurate “fact” in your whole piece.
Andy Jackson was 6′1″ tall ( my height ) and we all know that you are a so called “respectable” five foot one and three quarters inches tall.
November 29th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
….. Yeah, I just don’t have the words (except CATACLYSMICALLY AWESOME).
DOB & JOB. Moar like this, pleez.
November 29th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
I love reading your work, whether it is about comics or bartenders. By the way, I loved the Stan Lee reference ‘True Believers’.
November 29th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
Okay. You make tenderly tongue my balls now for your witty conglomeration of words, Daniel O’Cryin. (Yeah, I called you Daniel O’Cryin. Its better than Daniel O’Whitey, isnt it?)
November 29th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
I’m too lazy to see if this has been said before. (It probably has, but I don’t care.)
But this needs to be published. The whole thing. Make it. I will buy it.
November 29th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
See, it’s talk like this “Eiffel Tower” business that has single-handedly ruined the sense of chivalry and class we as Americans used to possess. It’s just barbaric and uncivilized, and there is no excuse for it.
Call me old fashioned, but when I’m double-teaming a chick with a friend and want to show my appreciation for the excellent fuck-work he’s doing, I’ll take a nice respectable handshake and a “job well done” any day of the week.
It’s called being a gentleman.
Look it up.
November 29th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
lololololol that was fuckin hilarious
November 29th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
@DOB
How do you not believe Digg lapped this up? It’s from CRACKED. It’s written by YOU. Don’t play dumb, DOB. You know they explode in happy juices when you post something.
November 29th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
speed dial number 1 is the STD control center
November 29th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
What I think the important question is: If hookers is speeddial 2, what is 1? Theres something more important than hookers?
November 29th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Thanks, DOB. I’m turning Mr. greengoddess on to McNinja. He can then forward it to all his nerd friends who are into comics.
Mr. greengoddess also finds you hilarious, by the way, and is jealous of your rock hard abs.
November 29th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
OH please. No!
November 29th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
DAMNIT Chloe, MUST you spam this article? Out of all the articles you could have spamed, you picked THIS one.
November 29th, 2008 at 11:23 am
I heard the news earlier at … WealthyBeautydotcom … , where celebrities, pro athletes and wealthy singles mingle. Many wealthy people are talking about it there.
November 29th, 2008 at 10:21 am
I love everything you ever wrote DOB. If you ever stop writing, I swear to God, I’ll hunt you down, kidnap you, break your legs, and *force* you to keep writing.
November 29th, 2008 at 9:25 am
“Bizarro Jesus” ? heehee. That has me looking forward to the Christmas edition.
November 29th, 2008 at 6:16 am
“…who only lives by one rule: his own: No Rules.”
I hope you fell over laughing Burroughs-style as you wrote that one, DOB, it’s a gem.
November 29th, 2008 at 5:38 am
Happy Katanakka to you as well Date O’Birthin. I would pay upwards of $4 for this comic.
November 29th, 2008 at 5:29 am
Huh. A few giggles, yes, but nothing more… seemed a little pointless, really.
November 29th, 2008 at 3:36 am
Dear god, this was terrible.
November 29th, 2008 at 3:11 am
you should actually make/publish the whole comic it would be amazing
November 29th, 2008 at 3:09 am
i would seriously pay like $100 for this…(damn. i need a job now)
November 29th, 2008 at 2:38 am
I genuinely can’t believe this went popular on Digg.
What the hell is wrong with you, Internet?
November 29th, 2008 at 2:26 am
@ Ramen King: I would have agreed with you, if it were not for the fact that DOB missed the chance for a dick related pun. When he was talking about God creating his penis he could have said “erected” instead of “created”
November 29th, 2008 at 2:15 am
Shit, DOB. I was just looking for a random browser page to cover up my erotic roleplay game. To avoid looking suspicious, I went to Cracked, clicked on a random article, saw your headder, and knew this wouldn’t be much better. Still, my hubby still thinks he’s got me on a leash, so it’s all good.
November 29th, 2008 at 2:04 am
This just in: Miramax has optioned Dan O’Brien’s Story of Thanksgiving for a summer ‘09 release.
November 29th, 2008 at 1:43 am
that had to have been the dumbest article i have ever wasted my time reading!
November 29th, 2008 at 1:35 am
Cracked. com reminds me of the writing in Golden Words.
November 29th, 2008 at 1:24 am
I love how Andrew Jackson’s face gets drawn progressively shittier throughout the comic. Golden.
November 29th, 2008 at 1:18 am
“meanwhile, in santas submarine…” hahaha
November 29th, 2008 at 1:10 am
i was pissin meself about your genitals competing in mortal kombat, fair play
November 29th, 2008 at 12:57 am
Hey Dan, that was absolutely brilliant, but if I could offer a tip I would say that it would be just slightly more awesome if you used a font that isn’t comic sans. But anyway great work, as usual.
November 29th, 2008 at 12:07 am
That comic is sweet, I’m surprised I haven’t come across it before. The sense of humor is similar to yours.
The fact that you like comic books and web comics makes me have all the more respect for you. Also, Ninja Rap is stuck in my head now (wich is honestly not an uncommon thing for me).
Irish pride
November 28th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
For the love of God, man. That comic must be published. I would pay at least $100 cash for it.
This article is so awesome it almost diserves its own theme song.
Actually Dan you need a theme song.
Just say the word and I shall compose you an epic theme song.
Happy Katanakka
November 28th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Again, simply amazing. There can never be to many mentions of you’re genitals, DOB.
And you used my favourite dead president and my favourite webcomic (Totally got the reference).
P.S If you do not use the name Jactual in a future comic, then I will probably cry.
November 28th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
I just started reading the Katanakka comic. Page 14. Is that Stephen Segal?
November 28th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
My only complaint, DOB, is that you don’t post stories like these often enough… and occasionally you spend time writing articles that are simply funny instead of focusing on these stories that are GENIUS
November 28th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Excellent work. Could you at least e-mail me the 26 pages of that threesome? I’ve been wanting a piece of Pocahontas ever since that Disney movie came out. I won’t offend anyone here with details, but I’ve thought of some killer uses for that feather she wears.
November 28th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
“They sound exactly the same” oh God, that was the BEST part hahahahah
November 28th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
@Greengoddess-
Katanakka, (the McNinja version of Thanksgiving), was created by the brilliant folks behind the webcomic Dr. McNinja. The issue linked is the issue that explains Katanakka and also happens to be my favorite McNinja comic.
If comics aren’t your thing, there’s nothing I can do. But, if you ever decide to give one webcomic a chance, let it be Dr. McNinja.
November 28th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
I concur with DOB about the factual correctness of this article. In fact, the Ass 2 Mouth threesome with Pochanhantus is mentioned in a chapter of The Book of Mormon.
November 28th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
What the hell is Katanakka? I followed the link, but it was a comic (which are just not my thing).
Speaking of things, why no links to the weiner pics? You know, for 12 Pack’s birthday.
November 28th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
Buy:
Santa Fuck 2
Ass wide open
For your loved one this Christmas
Merry Christmas
http://www.imlookingatyourightnow.com
November 28th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
I was always a bit baffled as to what Americans were going on about with this ‘thanksgiving’ business. Thanks for educating me.
November 28th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Painfully smart, and ridiculously funny. How high do you need to be to create this kind of goodness?
November 28th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Epic, Dan. Simply epic.
November 28th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
D.O.B - Bigger than Jesus??
Duh
November 28th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
“We must kill Robot Hitler”
I love you DOB.
November 28th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
This was the best birthday present I’ve gotten today Dan. Of course, I just woke up and am still a little drunk from last night, and no one’s given me anything yet…and probably won’t.
But still–I loved it.
November 28th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Hey, Dan, you should make this comic and put it on your blogspot. You know, since Bartender and “Daniel: Diary of a Rejected Peanuts Character” aren’t really doing anything.
November 28th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
“Ugh. He was always going on and on like this. We get it: You have a soul. Move on.”
Brilliant.
November 28th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Best thing by DOB I’ve ever read. Fantastic. Thank you.
November 28th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Dan O’Brien, you are my hero and my idol, and I might possibly just need to found a religion in your name.
Jesus was sadly not partially spiderman.
November 28th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Also, I don’t think it was rape…
What Indian Princess wouldn’t want a DOB and AJ sandwich?
November 28th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Good job. I like your articles because they aren’t in the usual list format. I like the comic as well, you should continue it. This actually held my focus which is quite impressive because of the severe A.D.D. (I add things severely).
November 28th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
“Ho Ho Hopeless”
Could that phrase be any more gold?!
I’m totally appropriating it!
November 28th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
That’s not a movie deal you’re smelling Orc. Ewww.
November 28th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Totally awesome. I smell a movie deal.
November 28th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
i’m not racist but…
publish that comic and i’ll suck your dick (and i hate sucking dicks almost as much as i hate ethnicities).
This was also hilarious
November 28th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
You sir, are awesomeness personified.
November 28th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
My god, I would read the shit out of that.
November 28th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
You HAVE to publish that graphic novel DOB, I will pay big cashola for it.
Anyone who gets offended by a black santa, white dudes raping an indian princess, butchering story, and making fun of all the indians that lost thier lives for a bunch of fucking mashed potatoes and some cheap-ass turkey is clearly a pussy.
November 28th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Your ability to frustrate your boss without getting fired is truly incredible. Also, I’m pretty sure Andrew Jackson had nothing to do with Thanksgiving. It was quite obviously Abraham Lincoln and that hat…as a side note, do you have any idea what kinda deus ex machina crap you could pull off with that hat? He could’ve been the historical equivalent to Inspector Gadget! Just a thought in case your comic ever needs editing.
November 28th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Please release, will buy
up to 100$
fer serious.
November 28th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
wow this is amazing
November 28th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
One of the funniest things I’ve ever read.
November 28th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Come on Aeolian, you’re forgetting the Snake Wizard by law 3.14 which states that after performing the ritual of Wizardifiaction…yes, Wizardification, the powers will be given to you for eternity. Do your research, man.
November 28th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
All this wiener talk, and not a single mention of your abs? DOB, if it weren’t for your recognition of “Jactual” as a future nickname, I would be disappointed.
November 28th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
There aren’t enough DOBJOB articles.
November 28th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
“That’s not a joke that works in a spoken conversation, god dammit!”
And:
“The other one was my weiner.”
Were the best lines. Truly fabulous DOB.
November 28th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Oh, come on…that’s totally unrealistic. Everybody knows the gifts of the Snake Wizard only last for a hundred years. Seriously, Danny Boy, get a grip.
November 28th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Um, not to bitch, but instead of Poke-ahontas, why not go for Poke-A-Hot-Ass? Its more Jacksonian.
November 28th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
“Why did the Indians beg for all of that Smallpox?” is easily one of the funniest things I have ever read.
Fuck you for being so much funnier than me, Daniel.
November 28th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Ah, the name-calling. The genitalia appraising. And, of course, the mad duet with someone just barely as awesome as G-Stone. Oh, and threesomes; amazing, delightful threesomes.
November 28th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Dan…don’t you think some of those events may have been just a little….convenient? Like maybe something more was being orchestrated behind the scenes?
Maybe by a little known back-alley gynecologist named Dermagren?
Just asking
November 28th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
i would buy that comic. i would read it all. i would buy those hookers. i would buy jack-o-lantern. that was beautiful. very. beautiful.
November 28th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
And THAT DOB, is why I love you. It truely, truely is.
November 28th, 2008 at 11:54 am
I would buy that comic book.
November 28th, 2008 at 11:49 am
This was the best thing I’ve read all week.
Can’t wait for the Christmas edition : )
November 28th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Oh my god that has to be the funniest thing I have ever read on the internet. Seriously :D. Luuuuv You
November 28th, 2008 at 11:43 am
needed more weiner gags.
weiner gag,hehe
November 28th, 2008 at 11:42 am
this is why the internet was invented. just for this article. DOB, you are a genius. i would pay good money to read that whole comic. i think it would be the farthest thing away from ho-ho-horrible.
November 28th, 2008 at 11:36 am
This is probably my favourite non-Miley Cyrus related article on here. Absolutely hilarious. I would love to read the whole comic too, and the Christmas edition too. I bet a snake wizard could only make it better. Great job
November 28th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Dan, if you love the internet as much as we love you, put the comic out. Doesn’t have to be on this site. Upload on uTorrent, put on a different site, but PLEASE give us something!
November 28th, 2008 at 11:07 am
That had to be one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen on this website, if not on the entire internet. You should definitely convince Jack to let you sell the whole thing at the Cracked store, because I for one would definitely spend $30-$45 on a hardcover edition of all 617 pages. Honestly man, brilliant.
November 28th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Holy hell. Is it wrong I actually wanted to read the entire comic?
I’m actually just a little bit sad you didn’t go all rogue agent and publish it here instead of listening to the editor.
November 28th, 2008 at 10:42 am
That was the best thanksgiving related thing I’ve seen.
November 28th, 2008 at 10:40 am
These are the best. I love it when DOB talks to JOB. Great, great work!
November 28th, 2008 at 10:31 am
amazingly good… well done dob
November 28th, 2008 at 10:29 am
It’s so nice to find out there’s a more badass side to Thanksgiving than Indians and Pilgrims. Bravo, sir.
November 28th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Oh, you Americans. First you were late with WWII, now you’re late with Thanksgiving.
Nice article, DOB! I have to admit, the beginning seemed a little shaky (the writing just seemed off for a minute) but it very quickly got back on track and hilarious.
@G-Stone
Is that really you? O_o
November 28th, 2008 at 10:23 am
I don’t want to go too far and say this was brilliant. But I held this article up next to a picture of the sun, and the sun paled in comparrison. Granted it was a picture of the sun during a lunar eclipse, but that doesn’t really change anything.
November 28th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Ah ha ha, I actually laughed at this so hard I got in trouble in my Comp Sci class! Another classy article DOB
November 28th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Man, gone less than a week and I’ve been replaced by Andrew Jackson. Sigh.
November 28th, 2008 at 9:49 am
That was some funny shit.
I never laugh at articles. NEVER. And you’ve ruined that DOB.
I’ve got nothing left now
November 28th, 2008 at 9:46 am
I’d like to play the video game of the First Thanksgiving according to DOB.
November 28th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Hahaha, great article. Happy Katannaka to you as well, DOB.
November 28th, 2008 at 9:38 am
I’d totaly buy that comic. And I think I broke something with Santa AIDS.
November 28th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Now we should push DOB into making a complete comic book
November 28th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Awesome stuff
November 28th, 2008 at 9:35 am
I laughed so hard I thought I was dying.
November 28th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Finally, DOB brings the truth out.
And for the record: “Poke-ahontas” was totally into that shit.
November 28th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Great article DOB. Not only would I buy the comic, I would go see the movie version too! Is the “Snake Wizard” one of your aliases?
Happy Thanksgiving.
November 28th, 2008 at 8:52 am
vvvvvv What he said
November 28th, 2008 at 8:47 am
I knew my history books lied. Personally, I’m thankful for DOB.
November 28th, 2008 at 8:45 am
this SUCKED cawk
November 28th, 2008 at 8:22 am
Holy shit, this was awesome