![]()
Cracked.com's Editor in Chief Jack O'Brien purposefully power-walked up to my desk. In his right hand: My latest Cracked piece. In his eyes:
Fury. "Dan, we need to talk about your Thanksgiving Day Piece," he said when he approached. "What about it," I asked, without taking my eyes off of the internet pornography I was currently viewing. "What about it?
What about it? Dan, I can't print this. I can't print it, out of a professional obligation, as an editor of this site, and I can't print it out of a moral obligation as a responsible human being with a soul."
Ugh. He was always going on and on like this. We
get it: You have a soul.
Move on. "I gotta tell you, Boss, I'm a little bit surprised.
You were the one who asked me to write it, in the first place. Remember?"
***
![]()
"Dan, it's November, which means one thing," Jack said. I already knew
exactly where he was going with this. "Hookers," I shouted. "Way ahead of you, Boss, I'll get some right now." I picked up my phone and hit "2" on my speed dial. "No, Dan, November does
not mean hookers." "I'm not sure I follow. You're saying you want
less hookers, or just fatter hookers?" "Hang up the phone, Dan." I hung up and threw my phone across the room as hard as I could. Why even
have a phone if you can't use it to buy hookers. Jack sucks. "November means Thanksgiving, Dan. I'm gonna need you to write a Thanksgiving-themed article. The pressure's coming from upstairs to do a genuine Thanksgiving piece. No jokes, no gimmicks, no bullshitting. Something factual and authentic. And I need you to do it." "Me? Why
me, Jacktkus?" He squinted at me, clearly not getting the reference. "'Jacktkus?'" "Oh, 'Mr. Shatkus' was the name of my English teacher when I was a freshman in high school." "Wow. That was a pretty bad nickname choice." "Well, he was a pretty bad teacher. But anyway, why me? Why can't you make one of the other guys do it?" "Because the other guys produce quality work on a regular basis, and none of them have cost this company millions of dollars in Hannah-Montana-related lawsuits." He had a point. "Fine. But what the hell should I do about Thanksgiving?" "I don't know. You could do a history piece; discuss the birth of Thanksgiving and its evolution over time.